Our dinner materialises in front of us, and we fall into silence until we’re left alone once again.
I didn’t expect to tell him like that, out of nowhere, but the conversation had started to take the wrong turn and I wanted to get it back on track.
“Sorry. I didn’t want to just blurt it out like that.”
Silas takes a sip of wine. “I think I can handle it. Although I am a bit… Surprised.”
“By what?”
“I don’t know. I always thought that… To be honest, I’m not sure what I thought. I don’t think I ever really let myself dwell on those things.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Come on, Leo. You were the star of the rugby team, the boy that all the girls wanted. I didn’t understand why someone like you would go near someone like me.”
“You thought I was just looking for some fun?”
“I used to think that, yeah.”
“But you let me come close. You let me…”
His face flushes a little. “I obviously had my reasons.”
I laugh, and he laughs, too. The tension dissipates a little and we both start to breathe again. I should’ve kept quiet, spoken about something else, instead of slapping him around the face with my words like that.
“You knew I wasn’t that kind of guy. I never tried to be popular, never went looking for flings.”
“I know you weren’t easy to win over. But all that did was cause me to question why you were even interested in me in the first place.”
“I get it. I confused you.”
“Yes, you did.”
And I made you suffer, Silas. I know that. I don’t need to hear you say it; I can read it in your eyes, the way I did every time I got close to you just to back away more scared and confused than before.
“I’m sorry.”
Silas sighs. “What do you say we just have dinner and talk about something less intense for now?”
“I’d say that sounds great.”
“Mainly because this salmon looks amazing.” He picks up his napkin and places it in his lap before sinking his fork into his dinner and spearing a small mouthful of fish.
I watch him for a few moments then grab my cutlery, too, cutting into my steak.
“You don’t like fish,” Silas says, bringing my attention back to him. “Or vegetables.”
I smile. He remembers so much about me.
“You prefer meat, obviously,” he says, nodding towards my plate. “Potatoes, preferably fried. And pasta.”
I laugh.
“And you like being outdoors and you love summer, too – especially those first few weeks, when winter seems light years away.”
“I like that because you like it.”
He looks at me in surprise.
“You were always happier during the summer, and it meant we could spend more time together.”
“I was happier because it meant you were home from college.”
“Really?”
“I know you came back at other times, too, but in summer you were there for three months, and I could see you every day, just like when we were at school.”
“I hated being away from here.” I take a deep breath. “I hated being away from you.”
He smiles weakly.
“But it was so difficult to be near you… I was confused. I know I made so many mistakes, and I hurt you a lot, too much.” He doesn’t deny that, and he shouldn’t; we both know it’s true. “It took me a long time to understand.”
“Understand what?”
“That this is the only place I want to be.”
“Are you telling me you didn’t come back for Noel?”
“I did. I came back for my brother, but when I decided to stay, I realised that this is the place I belong.”
He tilts his head, studying me.
“I felt that there was something holding me back, something missing. I only realised it when I was near you again – that thing that was missing was you. I tried to approach you so many times… But I didn’t know how. I thought I’d ruined everything forever. I convinced myself you wouldn’t look me in the eye… I thought that if you did, if you glanced at me even for a second, I’d…”
“I couldn’t. I couldn’t look at you. I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t have been able to fake it anymore. I thought you were avoiding me.”
“I thought you were avoiding me.”
“Then we’re both idiots.”
I grab his hand again and look into his eyes. “What do you say we try to be honest? Try to be ourselves?”
“I say I’d like that.”
I let go of his hand so that we can eat, and we both start to fully relax. I wish I could go back to feeling the way I used to with him, but we’re not two kids anymore; what happened has inevitably damaged our relationship.
I don’t know whether I’ll be able to make up for all the mistakes I’ve made, to make him trust me again. But I know that I’m here to try, to show him that I have no intention of making the same mistake twice.
After dinner, Silas asks if I want to go for a walk along the bay. We leave my car in the restaurant car park and wander down to the port. It’s not yet completely dark – here, in summer, the days seem endless, the way I hope this evening never ends. After the initial nervousness and a few misunderstandings, we managed to have a nice, calm conversation, like two old friends with memories to share who are willing to create new ones, too. Maybe not as friends, but as something much more.
We walk side by side, close; every so often, my hand brushes against his, but neither of us are brave enough to take the other’s hand as if it were only his to hold.
“So…” Silas says, his gaze fixed ahead. “You’re not going back to the big city.”
“No.”
“Not even sometime in the future?”
“Are you asking me whether I’d leave you behind again?”
Silas stops and tuns to me, and I mirror his movements.
“I know that’s what I did.”
“I never asked you for anything.”
“But you said…”
“I know what I said.” He tears his gaze away, wrapping his arms around his body. He doesn’t want me to say it again.
I take a step towards him, and his eyes return to mine. I grab the lapel of his jacket and pull him into me. I’ve dreamt of kissing him since I set foot in the hotel, and I’ve done nothing all evening but stare intensely at his mouth. But I didn’t know whether I’d be allowed.
“I should’ve been stronger, more mature, more confident… I wish I weren’t so scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Of knowing that what I wanted was standing right in front of me.”
Silas swallows, his Adam’s apple moving slowly in his throat. I bend down to him, his breath closing the gap between our mouths, before he takes me in every way possible. I let go of his jacket, my hands sliding onto his face, his arms around my waist. He pulls me closer, pressing me against his body, as my tongue plunges into his warmth, searching for something that has been left suspended, waiting to be found.
His fingers move down my back, mine in his hair; his hot mouth moves against mine, pushing, biting, pressing, caressing.
I’ve never kissed anyone like this, and no one has ever kissed me like this. I’ve never felt so close to anyone, man or woman, it makes no difference, because I’ve always been so…
I look at him. His wet mouth is a breath away from mine, waiting to be loved again.
“Sometimes I think we’re born for just one person.”
Silas looks at me, his eyes glittering like a summer night sky.
“And I think I’ve finally realised who my person is.”