I pour us each a glass of wine as Leo looks around. This is the first time I’ve ever invited a guy to my house. My brief flings always took place as far as possible from here, from my things, my daily life. I had nothing to hide, but I didn’t want to bring someone into my life just to watch them leave.
Leo stops by the fireplace, his eyes on the framed photos of my nieces. I approach him and hand him the glass.
“Thanks.” He takes a sip then looks back down at the photos.
“I thought it was only right to give them a place, too,” I say, gesturing towards the photo he’s looking at: Sloan’s latest ultrasound.
“Not long left now, right?”
“Not long at all. She’ll stop working in a couple of weeks.”
“Will you cover her shifts?”
“As much as I can. But we’re coming up to high season, and I have all the tours to take care of.”
“You’re going to be really busy.”
“Are you worried about me? Or worried you won’t be seeing me around as much?”
Leo smiles guiltily. “Both, I guess.”
He takes another sip of wine and looks back at the photos.
“You have a beautiful family, Silas. And your house is…”
Too big for just one person.
That was never its aim, but it doesn’t seem appropriate to bring that up tonight.
“You can feel that it’s yours. I can even feel your breath in the walls.”
I look around, not sure I understand what he’s getting at.
“I’m glad I’m here.”
I’m glad you’re here, too, that you’re the first guy to ever set foot in my house.
“I’m just going to check on dinner,” I say, trying to escape the tangle of emotions his presence has caused. “I don’t want to have to call Veldons for an emergency delivery,” I say, laughing nervously before leaving him in the living room and heading into the kitchen to check the chicken hasn’t caught fire. I open the oven door and lift it out, resting it on the counter and stabbing it with a fork.
“You’re nervous.”
I take a deep breath and turn around to face him. “I don’t want to be.”
“I’m nervous, too.”
“Why are you nervous?”
“You go first.”
I shake my head and shrug. “You’re the first guy I’ve ever invited round.”
Leo frowns in confusion.
“I didn’t want anyone to… You know… I didn’t want anyone to pass through my life, so…”
Leo considers my words but says nothing.
“What about you? Why are you nervous?”
“Because I was terrified that you’d shared this house with someone else.”
His confession leaves me stunned.
“You can’t just say things like that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“Well, it’s weird, coming from you, seeing as you shared your entire life with someone else.”
Leo seems hurt by my statement, but he can’t do anything about it. It’s what I think.
I sigh and shrug. “What are you really doing here with me, Leo?”
“I’m trying to make it up to you.”
“For what?”
“For all the pain I’ve caused.”
“Maybe I should never have come here,” Leo says as we sit down on the porch. Dinner will take another twenty minutes or so, and I asked whether he wanted to sit outside. It seemed the best thing to do; a little fresh air will do us both good.
“There so many things still unsaid between us.”
“I invited you here. I want you here.”
“You told me you never wanted anyone here.”
“I know.”
“No one passing through.”
“Exactly.”
“But I’m here.”
I nod, nervous.
“And I can’t get that out of my head.”
“I shouldn’t have said it at the beginning of the night,” I say, trying to play it down. “I should’ve at least waited until dessert.”
Leo flashes me a weak smile.
“It just slipped out. You’ve always had this power over me.”
“Power?”
“It’s as if I have no filter when it comes to you.”
“What, like you usually have a filter?”
I laugh. “You know what I mean.”
“Maybe we bring out the best in each other – have you ever thought about that?”
“You think I bring out the best in you?”
“I think that with you I’m… Someone else.”
“Someone else.”
“Someone more real.”
“Do you mean… Sexually?”
I don’t know whether I’ve used the right word, seeing as Leo blushes violently.
“No, I’m not talking about that. I mean, that’s part of it, obviously.”
I bite down on my lip without meaning to, and he inhales sharply.
“Sorry… I shouldn’t have brought that up, either.”
“You’re spontaneous. It’s something I’ve always loved about you.”
I can’t help but let my mind linger on that verb; I can’t help but hope.
Leo lifts a hand and strokes my face.
“Along with a hundred other things.”
I smile, the pad of his thumb gently caressing my lip.
“And now I just want to kiss you.”
“Then why don’t you?”
“Because the few words we’ve said to each other have already complicated everything.”
“Is it because I said the word ‘sexually’?”
He laughs. “Among other things.”
“Why don’t you just try to be spontaneous and do what you really want?”
“I don’t think I can.”
I lift an eyebrow, curious.
“We’re at your house. We’re alone. And you’ve used the term ‘sexually’ two times too many.”
“Does it make you uncomfortable?”
“Anything but.”
I swallow nervously.
“I’m never uncomfortable when I’m with you, Silas. That’s never happened.”
“Not even when we were kids?”
“I’ve felt uncomfortable in almost every other moment of my life, but never when we’re together.”
He leans into my mouth but stops before he can touch it. His breath tickles my face, though, like a caress burning across my skin, making my heart pump faster.
“I should’ve realised.”
“What?”
Leo presses his mouth against mine, his hand sliding from my face to the back of my neck, bringing me close to him. My lips part to let him in, his sensual tongue slipping into my mouth as his other hand weaves into my hair.
The only thing I can think of right now, as Leo reminds me what it means to kiss the man you want, is the word ‘sexually’ multiplied by a million.
I’ve always loved the way his fingers slide to the back of my neck, to the soft hair at the base of my skull, tangling themselves into my curls. I loved when he used to tug at it a little, teasing me, exciting me almost embarrassingly, painfully. I loved when he watched as my hair slipped through his fingers when he pulled away.
I loved the way he used to touch me so discreetly, the anxious way he let me touch him. I loved the way he let himself go in my arms, so certain he was in the right place, with the only person who could always keep him safe.
“Now I won’t be able to think about anything else.”
His lips push against mine and I smile, excited and restless.
“It was definitely a good idea, inviting you here.”
He pulls away and looks at me.
“You tell me whether it was the right thing to do.”
I stare at his still-damp mouth, then move my gaze back up to his eyes, glittering in the dark like the sky above us.
“I should’ve done it sooner. Much sooner.”
We both laugh and, luckily, the tension slips away, taking with it the fear that neither of us were ready for the other.
“Dinner will be ready by now.”
I take his hand and pull him to his feet.
“Would you like to have dinner with me, Leo?”
“I’d like to do everything with you.”