It’s as if the memories of that first time – the first time Leo kissed me – were being transmitted from my eyes to his, through the reflection in my kitchen window.
I’ve never forgotten that day. It was the day that changed my life forever.
I already knew I felt something for him – something much deeper than just our friendship. But maybe I hadn’t quite realised, until that moment, that my feelings might become something real. I thought it would always just be a fantasy of mine: the kind which makes your heart beat a little faster or strips you of your breath; one of those fantasies which will always hurt when you think of it, even after years have passed.
It’s the first rule you have to set for yourself as soon as you realise you’ll never be attracted to women: don’t fall in love with your straight best friend, or you’ll spend the rest of your life suffering.
I thought I could manage it, you know. I was naïve, and thought it was just a crush. All that closeness, the intensity, those intimate gestures. Long hugs, knowing stares, evenings spent holding my breath when his hand brushed against mine. But then he came looking for me, after that damn win, and I couldn’t deny him anything. I was there for him, cheering him on. I didn’t care about the team, about winning the championship. I only cared about his eyes on mine. And when I saw that girl suctioned onto him… Jealousy overpowered me. I left, determined to abandon that naive dream forever; but then he came searching for me, telling me those things…
And he kissed me.
He took me by surprise.
I pushed him away from me almost immediately and slapped him.
I felt betrayed. Messed around. I thought he was just playing with my feelings. He knew perfectly well that I was gay, just as I knew that he wasn’t. I tried to leave, to escape that feeling that was becoming too difficult to define, to handle. But Leo grabbed me by the arm, bringing me back to him.
And he kissed me again. He took my face in his nervous hands and pressed his mouth to mine. He was rough and hard and full of nerves. He pushed me back against the fence with his body and I weaved my hands into his hair, longing for more, all to myself, before he could realise that he was making a mistake. Before he could deprive me of that feeling forever.
After that kiss, nothing was ever the same.
We were never the same.
We watched each other, scared but happy at the same time. We studied each other for those infinite, unforgettable moments. His eyes were dark and deep, speaking and asking and… Wanting me.
He couldn’t pretend.
He couldn’t hide it.
“I just left,” he said then, looking down at himself. “I’m going to go and get changed. But then I’ll come back.”
“Okay.” I lowered my gaze.
“I’m serious. I’ll come back, Silas.”
I had looked back up at him.
“I’ll come back for you.”
That was the exact moment I realised my heart would always be with Leo Fitzpatrick; that he would break it irreparably.
I turn to him now. His eyes are like they were back then: certain, decisive, only for me.
“You’ve already left me behind once,” I say, because, just like back then, I’m scared this is going to end the same way: me crying over something I never really had.
He takes a step towards me, his hand sliding down my face. I close my eyes, absorbing his heat, abandoning myself against his palm. His other hand strokes my other cheek, and I open my eyes to look into his, hoping to find something there which I’ve dreamed of my whole life.
“Are you really back, Leo?”
“I’m back.”
His forehead rests against mine, his lips calling to me. He tickles my mouth with his breath.
“I’m sorry.”
He kisses me slowly, his lips biting gently down on mine.
“I’m so sorry… I swear.”
He presses his mouth into mine, his hands tightening their grip on my face as my own hands circle his waist.
“Please…” He whispers. “Please, believe me.”
“I believe you.” I let my hands slide down his back and pull him into me, my erection hard against his. “I believe you,” I tell him again, before pressing my mouth onto his and pushing my body into him.
Leo groans onto my mouth, the sound so sensual and guttural that it travels down my throat, echoing through my body. My tongue slides inside him, locked in a desperate battle with his. Our kisses aren’t like they used to be; they’re more daring, more needy, our hands losing themselves in each other’s bodies. I’m forced to pull away from him, although it’s the last thing I want to do right now. But I also think it’s only right to put the brakes on a little, before this thing implodes in our hands.
“I think I need to take this all in.”
Leo smiles against my lips.
“I wasn’t expecting all this.”
“I expected nothing less.”
He lets me go and takes a step back. I look into his eyes, his certainty making my own falter; his determination obscures mine.
But things used to be different. I was the one who was certain, the one who wanted us at any cost. He was the one who was scared of risking everything for just a shot at being together.
“I wanted this. I still do.” He steps closer to me instinctively, but I rest my hand against his chest to stop him.
He smiles at me again. “Okay,” he says, planting a sweet, quick kiss onto my forehead. “That’s fine.” He steps back just enough to put a little distance between us – distance I desperately need right now.
I’ve never had a man in my house, and I’ve never had a man in my bed. As much as I want him to be the first in both cases, I can’t let it happen now, when things between us are still so confused and undefined.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No,” I say right away. “I want you to stay for a bit longer, if you want to. We still have dessert.”
Leo smiles. “Yeah, I’d like to stay. If that’s okay with you.”
I consider this for a second, then decide to be honest.
“I can’t ask you to stay the night. It wouldn’t be right.”
“You don’t have to, and you don’t have to justify yourself, either.” He takes a deep breath and looks at me. “I would’ve done the same, in your position.”
I sigh, relieved. I don’t know what expectations he had for tonight – to be honest, I didn’t have many at all. Sure, I had a few assumptions, but I couldn’t have been sure of how things would go between us. I didn’t think he’d push himself so much; I didn’t expect myself to be so ready to believe him, believe his words when he says that he’s not going to leave me, this time.
“So… This dessert…?”
“I’ve brought some brownies back from the hotel,” I confess. “And I have vanilla ice cream.”
“I like that.”
And I like you, so handsome and at ease in my house, my life. I like when you say sorry, that you regret what happened. I like when you kiss me – I especially like that.
And I like the way I feel when I’m near you again.