When I open the door to the Kylemore Hotel kitchen the next morning, the person I’m hoping for isn’t waiting for me. I can’t hide my disappointment.
“Your face tells me you were expecting someone else.”
“I… What?” I shake my head and step inside, avoiding Sloan’s gaze. I approach the counter to set down the basket of bread before I’m forced to turn around and face her.
“How’s it going?” I ask, uncomfortable.
“You’re not getting away with ‘how’s it going’.”
I’d imagined that Silas and I were probably already public knowledge; nothing stays secret for long in Letterfrack, which has always been a problem for us. Not that I’m ashamed of the way I feel, but I’m not a huge fan of those feelings becoming the subject of the town’s weekly gossip.
“What are you and my brother up to?”
I didn’t expect her to be quite so direct.
“And don’t tell me you don’t know, because that might make me anxious, and anxiety isn’t great during the last month of pregnancy.”
“I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t really think it’s any of your business.”
Sloan plants her hands onto her hips and lifts her chin.
“Everything that happens to Silas is my business. We’re not just brother and sister, we’re something more. Do you know what they say about twins?”
“That you have a special bond?”
“We can feel each other’s emotions. Which means that I know how much he’s suffered.”
I lower my gaze, even more uncomfortable.
“I felt it, Leo. I really felt it. And it wasn’t nice at all.”
I don’t know what to say. I understand that she’s worried, and I understand the love she feels for her brother, but I can’t help but think that this is none of her business; that she has no right to talk to me so directly like this.
“What happened between us, what’s happening now… It has nothing to do with you.”
“I don’t want him to get hurt again. And I especially don’t want you to be the one to hurt him again, Leo.”
Once I’ve finished the deliveries, I head back to the bakery even more confused than I was this morning when I left. The evening with Silas really put my self-control – and a load of other stuff – to the test. It was tough to revisit the past with him; I’ve always struggled to express the way I feel, especially when it comes to him. It’s something I’ve never been able to define in my mind, but it’s always been there, stronger and more alive than anything else. The way Sloan spoke to me this morning, her expression, the way she’s so concerned for her brother: none of that helped. Actually, it’s made me almost numb. I wouldn’t be surprised if a customer has called Noel to complain about a mistake in one of the deliveries.
I step into the shop, walking past a few customers and over to the counter, where Noel is packing up a couple of loaves.
“There’s a surprise for you,” he says, nodding towards the back room.
“What are you talking about?”
“Why don’t you go and take a look for yourself?”
“What…?” I poke my head through the back.
“Surprise!” Rachel cries excitedly. She launches herself at me, looping her arms around my neck and holding me close.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I ask, confused, hugging her back.
“I came to see how my boys were getting on.”
I let her go and take a step back, realising that I’m nervous at the thought of being so close to her. We haven’t seen each other for a while and last time was just to agree on the terms of our divorce. She’s invited me over so many times for a visit, to pick up some of the stuff I’d left at our old house – now her house. I never went. I don’t know why – seeing her always hurts a little, reminds me of all the mistakes I’ve made.
“How…? What…?”
I don’t know what to say to the person I’ve shared so much of my life with.
“She’s said she’ll be staying for a few days – isn’t that great?” Noel says, coming to my rescue.
“Yes, absolutely,” I say, hoping I’m convincing.
“I’m so happy you’re here,” my brother says, hugging her. He adores Rachel. “It’s great to have you home.”
“It’s great to be with you both again. I want to know all the latest gossip.”
My throat constricts suddenly at the thought that the town’s current piece of gossip probably involves me and Silas.
“Nothing much ever happens around here,” I say quickly.
“Come on, something interesting must have happened! The last thing I heard about was Ellie Johnston’s cancelled wedding.”
“Then you’ve missed a lot!” Noel says, laughing. “So much has happened since then.”
“Well, I haven’t been back to Letterfrack for…” She looks at me and her eyes grow sad, pained. “A long time.”
She didn’t know how to bring everything up without plunging Noel back into a dark place. Rachel has always been there for him, when his life was turned so drastically upside-down, in spite of all the problems between us, in spite of us being strangers by that point.
“I’m sure Leo will catch you up over the next few days.”
“If I have time,” I say tentatively. “I’ve got a busy schedule this week, between Veldons and all the deliveries.”
“I don’t want to get in the way while I’m here,” Rachel says, decisively. “I just came to spend a little time with you, not to impose.”
“You’re not imposing at all,” Noel says. “We’re both happy to spend time with you, and I’m sure Leo will be able to find a gap in his hectic schedule,” he teases, glancing at me.
“Of course,” I find myself saying. “I’m working at Veldons at lunch today – you could come along, too. I’m sure we’ll be able to find a space for you.”
“I’d love that, but I don’t want to leave Noel on his own.”
“It’s no problem. That just means I’ll get you all to myself this evening.”
“I’m in, then. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and unpack a bit. I’m only staying for a few days, but you know how it works, right? A lady never travels light.”
Noel laughs and I attempt a smile.
“Your master bedroom awaits.”
“Thanks.” She reaches onto her tiptoes to plant a kiss on Noel’s cheek, before brushing her fingers against my arm, squeezing me affectionately. “See you in a bit?”
“I’ll wait here, whenever you’re ready.”
Rachel walks off, leaving us alone.
“Don’t you think you might want to warn a certain someone?” Noel says.
“Mmm?”
“Your ex-wife is in town.”
“So?”
“Last night weren’t you having dinner with…?”
“Oh… Ohh…” I exclaim, panicking now. “You think I should…?”
“I reckon so. I don’t know how things are going between you two, but I’m sure he wouldn’t be happy to find out that Rachel’s in town from anyone else.”
I slide my phone from my pocket and hunt for his number, heading back outside, under the watchful gaze of my brother. The phone rings out, eventually picked up by his voicemail. I don’t want to leave a message – I hate them – so I decide to send him a quick text asking him to call me. I slip my phone back into my pocket and exhale slowly, turning back to look at the shop, where Noel is standing at the counter with Ronan, both busy with customers. I lift my gaze to the floor above – our apartment – and see a smiling Rachel waving at me from the window. I wave back, smiling much less than her and much less than I should be.
I’m anxious and confused: by her being here, by everything that’s happening with me and Silas, and by the fact that none of us are ready to face the consequences of this meeting.