When I see my brother step through the doorway to Veldons on Friday night, I almost drop the tray I’m carrying over to one of the tables.
“What are you doing here?”
Noel sticks his hands into his pockets. “She convinced me,” he says, nodding behind him just as Rachel crosses the threshold.
“You did this?” A new emotion starts to tighten in my throat.
She smiles at me, slipping a hand beneath Noel’s arm.
“There’s nothing this woman can’t do,” my brother says, making me feel immediately guilty.
There is one thing she can’t do – something she was never able to do, no matter how much she tried, how much she loved.
She was never able to have me – not in the way she wanted. Not in the way she deserved.
“Let’s go and find a seat. Are you up for that?” she asks him kindly.
“I don’t know, there’s a lot of people…” Noel says, looking anxiously around him.
“At the bar,” I say. “Come to the bar. Everyone will move into the main room in a bit to dance, and there’ll be no one here except me.”
“What do you think?” Rachel asks Noel.
He nods and she guides him over to the bar. I beat them to it and slide behind the counter, ready to get them both a drink.
“A Diet Coke for me,” Rachel says.
Noel won’t stop looking around him.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Oh, I… I don’t know.”
“What do you say to one of my alcohol-free concoctions?”
He manages a small nod and I force myself to smile, before leaving them for a few minutes while I get their drinks.
“Noel’s here?” Andy asks discreetly.
I turn slightly to check he’s actually still there.
“It’s been an age since he last set foot in this pub.”
“Yeah.”
He rests his hand on my shoulder. “That’s a good thing, Leo.”
I turn and look at them. “All thanks to Rachel. She’s always had a way with him.”
“Then it’s good that she’s come to visit.”
I sigh. “It is.”
Andy heads off again and I take the drinks over to the bar.
“Here you go. Can I get you anything to eat?”
“I don’t know how long we’ll stay,” Noel responds.
“Well, make sure you don’t leave before the band can start,” Sullivan says, joining us. “It’s great to see you out of the shop, Fitzpatrick,” he says to Noel.
“Thanks.”
“And it’s even better to see this wonderful lady again,” he says, kissing Rachel’s hand as she shakes her head. “I knew it was a good idea, leaving the house to come here.”
“You’re always here.” Another voice joins the conversation: Brian.
“And you’re not? If you miss this place so much, you could always come back and work here,” Andy says.
“I’m here for music, friends, and family. But you’re almost making me want to turn around and head home.”
“You always have to make a scene,” Reid says, appearing at the bar.
“And when it comes to making a scene, you’re always the first on stage,” comments his brother Shane.
In the space of a few seconds, the bar – which was almost empty – is populated by the usual lot, people that Noel isn’t used to. I’m always worried about him, about the way he might react. I’m terrified that he’ll relapse, crumble once and for all; I’m terrified that, if that happens, I won’t be able to help him.
“It’s okay.” Andy pats my shoulder. “Give him a little bit of space. He’s among friends, people who care about him and his health.”
“I can’t relax,” I admit quietly. “I’m scared it could all go up in flames from one moment to another.”
“You can’t avoid that; if it’s going to happen, it’ll happen anyway.”
I nod. He’s right.
“What do you say: will we head in?” Shane calls to Andy.
“Ready when you are.”
“And you don’t care about the rest of us?” Reid complains.
“You’re not quite so indispensable,” Andy says, before literally leaping over the bar and landing on the other side, right in front of Shane.
“You always have to show off and be the Alpha male,” Reid moans again. “And you say I’m the one who’s always making a scene.”
Reid and Alex head into the next room to kick the evening off, as Andy turns to me. “Will you hold down the fort here?”
“Absolutely.”
He nods at me then disappears with Shane.
“You’re reliable,” Rachel says, as soon as we’re alone at the bar. Everyone has started to move off into the next room – all it took was for Andy to leave.
“What do you mean…?” I shrug, embarrassed.
“Andy trusts him,” my brother agrees. “He realised right away that Leo is someone you can count on.” There’s a thread of bitterness in his voice that I wish I could rid him of, but I’m afraid it’s burrowed into every one of his pores, every breath.
“I’m just manning the bar,” I say, playing it down. “Like I do every day. Besides, everyone will be dancing. What do you expect me to…?” I lift my eyes and the words lodge mutely in my throat.
Silas has just stepped into the pub with Darcy, and she’s heading right in my direction.
“Have they already started?” she asks, stopping in front of the counter. Silas hasn’t even lifted his gaze.
I nod, my own gaze nailed onto him.
“Then we should head over, too.” She looks at Silas, waiting for a response, and they walk off without saying goodbye.
I sigh, tired, disappointed, heartbroken. My hands are resting on the bar, my head lowered.
“I’ve made a mess, haven’t I?” Rachel’s sweet voice floats into my ears.
“He makes all the mess himself, don’t worry,” Noel answers for me.
“Hey, are they already setting up?” someone asks from the other side of the counter.
I lift my gaze to find Ellie and Sloan waiting for a response.
“They’re just about to start.”
Noel turns slowly on his stool, waving weakly at them.
Sloan smiles kindly and sadly, and I can see another piece of my brother break off and shatter onto the floor.
We’re all uncomfortable now. But all for different reasons.
“The whole gang’s really here, huh?” Rachel comments, trying to lighten the mood a little.
“It’s live music night – it’s always full.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t stay,” Noel says.
“Why not?” Rachel asks.
“It’s not the place for me.”
“Veldons? Honey, it’s not the place for anyone.”
Rachel manages to make him smile.
“Let’s just stay for a bit, okay? We’ll sit here, at the bar, with Leo. We can’t exactly leave him on his own, can we?”
Noel looks at me; there’s a lot of fear and a lot of loneliness in his eyes. I wish I could strip those emotions from his soul with my bare hands.
“Maybe just for a couple of songs,” he says, as Rachel squeezes his hand. “I haven’t heard any live music for a long time.”
You haven’t lived for a long time, Noel – this is what I want to tell him. But I just smile instead, enjoying this moment, the joy in these small steps, the fact that he seems to want to take his life back into his own hands.