When they’re not even halfway through the first song, I walk away from the table to escape the watchful gazes of my sisters, who haven’t missed a single breath. I didn’t want to come here, and I shouldn’t have come, but they insisted, and I didn’t want anyone to start getting suspicious. I didn’t think I’d find Rachel here tonight. I knew he’d be here, obviously, but I thought, like an idiot, that I could just pretend for an hour or two that he hasn’t just broken my heart again.
I used to be good at this game: pretending to be his friend, pretending that I didn’t depend on his every breath, pretending not to be madly in love with him.
The sound of crunching gravel tells me that I don’t even have the luxury of suffering alone, in silence.
“Hi, Silas.”
I didn’t expect her to approach me, but I guess, by this point, it’s inevitable.
Rachel and I have a lot in common: including the fact that we both fell for the wrong man.
“We never had a chance to…” She sighs, then shakes her head. “You probably don’t want company.”
“Not really, no.”
“I get it. I wouldn’t want to see me either, in your position.”
I look at her, and she holds my gaze.
“He never forgot, you know? Not even for a second.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to…”
“He tried, though. I know he did. I know him. Just like I know how guilt slowly consumed him for years, until neither of us could bear it anymore.”
I turn completely to face her; Rachel is now looking out at the deserted street in front of us. Music floats outside from the pub, excited cries, the sound of heels clicking against the wooden floor.
“He was so unhappy…” I can hear the tears she’s keeping trapped in her throat. “And so was I.” She looks at me again. “I imagine you were, too.”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me…”
“I watched the light in him fizzle out in front of me, day after day. He tried, though, with all his strength. But it wasn’t me. He never wanted me. And I hated him so much – sometimes, I think I still do. But it wasn’t all his fault.”
“How can you say something like that?”
“I should’ve known. I should’ve told him that I could feel it; that his kisses were different, more different every day.”
Now I’m the one holding back tears.
“Why are you telling me all this?”
Rachel brushes her hand over her stomach and smiles. “I’m pregnant.”
Her news makes my jaw drop.
“I met someone – a guy who makes me happy, who loves only me.” She dries a tear with the back of her hand. “I finally understood.”
“What?”
“What love is.”
I smile – I can’t help it.
“And I really want Leo to finally understand that, too – because what we were had nothing to do with it. We both thought it was love, both of us hoped so much… But it never became that thing that feels like there’s too much air in your stomach. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.”
She’s actually explaining it too well.
“Did you come here to tell him?”
“I came here to tell him that he needs to let go. That now’s the time to let go of all his guilt, to stop living in the past, in regret. It’s time for him to start seeing what’s in front of him.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“He always wanted something else – it just took him a while to understand. But I knew that he’d always want to come back to…”
“He didn’t come back for me.” I notice the bitterness in my own voice. “He’s not here for me.”
Rachel smiles at me. “He came back for Noel, that’s true. But I know him, and you know him – you know as well as I do that he just needed a little push to realise that his life wasn’t going anywhere; that he was missing something. Something he’d only be able to find here.”
I shake my head in disbelief. It’s not just her words, but the fact that she’s approached me to talk to me about this; to sort things out, clear the air. To let Leo go forever.
“I’m getting married,” she says then, surprising me again. “As soon as our divorce is cleared.”
“Oh… Congratulations.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m really…” I say, touching my chest, “…really happy for you.”
And I really am.
“I am, too. So happy. I just want him to be happy, too.”
By the time I go back inside, Rachel and Noel are already gone. I waited a little while before approaching him again. I needed time to think over Rachel’s words on my own, to absorb them and fully understand their meaning before sitting down in front of him.
“I thought you’d left.”
I stroke his hand, resting on the bar, and Leo’s eyes dart down to my fingers.
“I’m not leaving until you do.”
His eyes snap back up to my face, now.
“What are you saying…?” He shakes his head, confused. “You said you wanted nothing more to do with me.”
“I was lying.” I let go and sigh. “I reacted badly.”
“You saw Rachel and assumed… I actually don’t know what you assumed, but I can imagine that I’d have had a similar reaction in your position.”
“It’s not easy, seeing you with her. It brings up all these old memories that I wish I could forget.”
“But you can’t.”
“It was difficult knowing you were with her for all those years. Who am I kidding: difficult? It was a fucking nightmare.”
His eyes dampen.
“And I hated you, I hated her, and… I hated myself for hoping, even a little. I don’t want to hate myself again.”
“I don’t want you to hate yourself, either.”
“And I don’t want to go home without you, tonight.”
Leo flashes me a small smile.
“What do you say I go back and sit with my family before they start to make a scene? I’ll spend a little time with them, and when you’re done, maybe…”
“I don’t have my car with me,” he says, a slight blush creeping across his cheeks. “Rachel and Noel are using mine. I was going to ask one of the guys for a lift.”
“Me. Ask me.”
His smile grows wider.
“Do you want to take me home tonight, Silas?”
“M-mine,” I say, a knot forming in my throat and a painful weight pressing down on my chest. “I want to take you back to mine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Are you?”
“I asked you first.”
I laugh. “I’d be lying if I said I was sure of what I’m doing, but I know I want to do it all the same.”
Leo considers this for a few seconds.
“What about you?”
“I want to kiss you,” he says, lowering his voice – but I hear it anyway, above the music. “I really want to kiss you…” We both laugh now. “And I’d like to do it somewhere no one else can see.”
“Why? What are your intentions?”
His eyes grow dark, dangerous; limitless.
“I intend not to let you go, Silas. Not this time.”