“And I knew it – I knew it then, too, but I didn’t understand it. I was too immature, too convinced I knew who I was. I was wrong. About everything. You weren’t wrong – you never were. It was me. It’s always been me. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were the problem. I was the problem.”
I’ve imagined hearing him say these words so many times that I’m afraid this is all just a figment of my imagination: that he’s not really here, sitting next to me, so scared and so beautiful, ready to leap into the void with me.
“God, Silas. It’s been so long, but the way I feel when I’m with you never went away. It never even faded. And I know I shouldn’t be saying this – it’s making me look like a bastard who’s just playing with your feelings – but it’s the truth.” He rests his forehead against mine, his anxious breath on my mouth. “Tell me you believe me. Please, just tell me that…”
I grab his wrists and speak onto his lips. “I believe you. I believe everything you’re saying, and I believe the way I feel.”
Leo presses his mouth against mine, stripping me of the words I wanted to say, of the breaths I need to survive the impact of him, of our return. His tongue slips between my lips with longing, and I let go of his wrists; his hands, now free, frame my face, weaving into my hair. They’re free to roam, to press, to touch, to yearn.
“I want to come inside with you,” he pants, between kisses.
I pull away from him just enough to look into his eyes. “Are you sure?”
He nods. “I want to come home with you. I want to be with you.”
“There’s no hurry. We don’t have to rush, or…”
“I’ve wanted this for years. I’ve dreamed of this for years” His eyes glitter in the darkness. “Of you. I want you. Only you.”
His hands are on my hips as soon as the door closes behind us. I can feel his breath on my neck, his angst melding with my own, his heat wrapping around me. His erection presses against my back.
“I’ve never been with a man,” he tells me nervously, his grip tightening.
I turn to face him, his fingers pressing harder as he feels my own erection against his.
“I’ve never had sex with a man,” he specifies, just to be sure I’ve got the message.
“And we don’t have to do it now.” I rest my hands on his chest, his heart hammering wildly at my touch. “We don’t have to do anything.”
“But I want to. I’ve waited for this – only for you.”
“Only for me?”
“I don’t care about other guys. I don’t even care about other girls,” he laughs, nervous. “It’s you. Only you.” He drops his hands from my hips and strokes my face. “I only want to be with you.” He bends down to meet my mouth and his lips brush against mine. “Only you, only…” He presses harder now, whispering. “I don’t want to be with anyone else, Silas. I’ve never wanted anyone else, I swear, I…” I grab his face between my hands and bring his lips to mine. His grip tightens, his body pushing instinctively into me.
“Will you come in there with me?” I ask onto his wet mouth. “Into my room. Will you come into my room with me, Leo?”
“I’ll go anywhere with you.”
I smile onto his lips then pull away from him, taking his hand and silently inviting him to follow me into my bedroom.
“There are lots of different ways, you know…” I say, letting him go and turning to face him. My hands slide across his torso, under his shirt; I feel his muscles tense beneath my fingertips.
“Other ways?”
“It’s not just sex the way you’re imagining it.”
“How would you know how I’m imagining it?”
I cast him a knowing glance and he laughs.
“Okay, so maybe you do know.”
“I know a lot about you, Leo Fitzpatrick.”
“Oh yeah?” He raises an eyebrow in challenge.
“For starters, I know you like this…” My hands slide down his back, my nails scratching from top to bottom as he holds his breath. “And I know you like this…” I grab the hem of his shirt and pull it up; Leo lifts his arms and I pull it away, throwing it to the floor and letting my eyes trail greedily over his body.
“Did you know that I like it when you look at me like that?” he asks, his breath catching.
“I know you like it when I…” I brush my fingers against his chest, playing with his hard nipples.
“Your hands,” he gasps. “I like your hands. Everything they do, everything they…” I slip them down his abs and under his belt. “Fuck,” Leo exclaims through gritted teeth as my fingers work to undo the buttons of his jeans. His eyes are glued to my hands. I undo one button then another, my hand slipping slowly inside, stroking him over the fabric of his boxers.
Leo collapses onto my shoulder, my hand moving slowly along the length of him; he writhes against me, his warm mouth on the sensitive skin of my neck.
“I want to touch you, too,” he says, his voice raw and loaded with desire.
“I won’t say no to that.”
He laughs onto my neck, his hand stroking my chest over my shirt.
“I want to touch you,” he says onto my skin, his fingers on the buttons, “like I’ve never touched anyone before.” I shiver as he brushes against my chest. He lifts his head and looks at me as he opens my shirt, sliding it over my shoulders and down my arms before letting it drop to the floor to meet his own shirt. Leo studies me, his eyes drinking in every centimetre of my skin, before stopping to meet mine.
I swallow under his lustful gaze before his hands move back to my skin, his palms splayed, his fingers frenetic and his eyes growing deeper than the darkness around us.
He pushes me backwards and my legs touch the edge of the bed.
“What are you…?”
Another gentle push and I’m sitting on the mattress. He stops, probably waiting to understand what to do, how far to go, before marking me once more with his hopeful yet fearful gaze.
“Come here,” I say, reaching my hand out to him. “Come to me.”
Leo takes my hand and bends down to me, his mouth on mine.
“Follow my lead.”
He nods, my lips still searching for his.
“Do you trust me?”
“Always, Silas.”
I smile against his mouth, my hands moving back to his jeans and pushing them down his legs. Leo bites my lip as he feels my fingers reach for his erection over the fabric of his boxers again. I slip beneath the waistband and slide them down over his legs. Leo pulls away to take them off completely, then looks at me.
“It’s been a while,” he says, embarrassed, now.
He bends down again, his hands on my face and his open mouth on mine.
“I want to see you naked,” he says, breathless. “Do you want that, Silas? Will you undress for me?”
His words melt my emotions into tears, clogging my eyes and throat.
“Of course I want to, Leo. God, do I want to.”