I watch Silas take off his clothes with my breath caught in my throat, fighting for space with my heart. I’ve never seen Silas naked. Not like this; not completely. And he’d never seen me neither.
We haven’t had many moments just the two of us: at first our relationship was platonic. Then there was that first kiss, then the second, then all the kisses that followed. Sometimes he touched me, or we touched each other. The first time I came in his hand was so exciting and embarrassing that I couldn’t think of anything else for weeks. And when he came on me, that first time, after pressing himself against my erection… I thought I’d lost my mind forever.
We were just two inexperienced young men, frightened at the idea that what we were discovering together would be stronger than everything we would’ve had separately.
I knew Silas had had only a few experiences with other guys, just as he knew that I hadn’t even really been with any girls before, either – but it was as if we both knew that we never could’ve felt how we felt when we were together with anyone else.
“God, you’re…” He shakes his head, emotion closing over his throat and embarrassment taking care of the rest. I’ve never seen another man naked in front of me like this, and I never thought I could like it so much. I’m so excited I’m afraid I might come if he even tries to touch me.
I’m thirty-one years old, a grown man with experience; but in front of him, I feel like an eighteen-year-old boy ready to give up my last breath in exchange for one of his kisses.
He closes the distance between us, his hand resting on my chest. His palm is warm, his fingers spread; there’s a sensuality in the lightness of his movements.
“What am I?” He presses his lips onto my skin, next to his hand, before slowly moving down my body, his tongue circling my nipple.
I weave my hands into his hair, his hands dropping to my hips and clawing at my butt cheeks, pulling me against his hard erection. I jolt immediately: the heat of his body, his teeth biting my nipple, his nails digging into my flesh.
I feel as if I’ve been emptied out of everything, as if there’s no more air left in me.
“S-Silas…” I pant, trembling against him. His mouth moves along my skin slowly, lustfully, his tongue tracing the way to my collarbone before climbing up my neck. I feel his teeth biting down again, my erection throbbing against his. He traces the shape of my jaw to my lips, licking so slowly that I start to lose my mind; when he reaches my mouth, I simply close my eyes and abandon myself to him.
His kisses have always been like this. They strip the air from your lungs, removing any logical thought from your mind. They transport you into another dimension, where you don’t need to know anything other than his name, his scent.
His hands have always been the same, too: sweet and sensual, soft and slow, dangerous and reassuring. But they’re more decisive now – his touch is more decisive, as is the way he’s gripping my skin and the way I react to every touch.
Our way of looking for each other is different, of breathing each other in and longing for each other’s touch.
What hasn’t changed is the way we feel: that thing that pushes us to let go of any hesitation, to drop our defences.
“I want to…” I tell him, his eyes searching for mine. “I want to…”
“What?”
“To kiss you, touch you, smell you on my skin. I want to make you mine.”
Silas’s eyes glimmer in the darkness.
“Then do it.”
“W-What?”
“Everything you just said, everything you want to do. You don’t even have to tell me; just do it.”
“I don’t know if I can, I don’t think I’m…”
Silas takes my hands and moves them to his hips. I grab on, his skin burning under my nervous fingers. I push Silas backwards and he sits down on the bed. I plant my hands onto his shoulders and lie him gently down on the mattress, before taking a deep breath and straddling him. His erection presses between my butt cheeks, and I’m suddenly nervous.
“Hey.” Silas sits up, his hands taking my face. “Everything is okay. It’s us. Nothing has changed.”
“Something has changed.”
Silas looks into my eyes. “What? What’s changed?”
I don’t deny him my gaze, my breath. I give myself over to him.
“The way I want you.”
His hands tremble on my face.
“I wanted you then, too, but now… Now it almost hurts, and…” His fingers trace my lips. He watches them for a moment, then leans into my mouth, sliding his tongue inside me slowly, hungrily. Silas kisses me, his hand on the back of my neck, his fingers pressing against the downy hair there; his other hand holds my face, keeping me against him. I weave my hands into his hair and writhe against him, his hard dick sliding dangerously, excitingly close to me. Silas stops kissing me only to grab my arse cheeks – he helps me move on top of him, his groans fighting for space in my throat and echoing down to my stomach in one painful leap.
“I want to touch you,” he breathes, his forehead against mine and his breathing agitated. Silas presses his mouth back onto mine again as he slides me away from him and lays me out on the bed. He moves back on the mattress, his eyes on my erection and his hands on my tensed thighs. He moves slowly towards my groin and takes me in the warm palm of his hand; he slides his fingers up and down under my longing gaze, pressing his thumb into the tip and rubbing my first drops onto the sensitive skin. I’m excited – too excited. I’ve never felt so close to orgasm at just a touch. But Silas is Silas. He’s the one I’ve always wanted and the one I’ve never been brave enough to have. But now he’s kneeling in front of me, and he wants me; I just hope I’m able to want him the way he deserves.
Silas slides his hand up and down me, his lips parted. My angst is a barbed knot in my throat. He bends down over me, his tongue tracing the tip of my dick as his fingers continue to stroke me. He parts his lips then, slipping me into his wonderful mouth, stripping me of any potential for survival. I press myself back into the mattress, my fingers grappling at the sheet as if it could save me from my inevitable end.
Silas’ movements are slow and devastating; the heat of his mouth envelops me in one gentle bite. But when his hand moves to caress my opening, I’m sure I’ve completely lost my mind, all control, and every piece of me. He massages me slowly, my dick still sliding in and out of his heat in a rhythmic, dangerous movement. His fingers play with me, with my mind and my body, pushing me to my limit; he applies slight pressure and I leap upwards onto my elbows, planting my eyes onto him.
“Silas, Silas… Fuck, Silas…” I don’t know whether I’m begging him to stop or to finish – either way, I don’t think I can win.
He grabs my erection in his hand, pushing me as deeply into his mouth as I can go, his other hand still massaging the most intimate part of me. His head is moving, his breath on my skin, his hair tickling my stomach, his hand tormenting me, and then… Then his head starts to move more quickly, his mouth taking the whole of me, his hands grabbing my thighs and pinning me down as I let myself fall back, squeezing my eyes shut and begging the devastating orgasm raging through my body to leave me alive just long enough to enjoy it all, until the very last breath.
Silas moves back up my body, his mouth slowly and sensually trailing its way to mine. I open my eyes, and his are so big and intense that I’m afraid they’ll devour me without leaving even a crumb. I lift one hand, taking his chin between my fingers, and bring him close to me, sliding my tongue between his lips and stoppering a longing moan. I lift myself up, my tongue in his mouth and my hands in his unruly hair. I kiss him, exploring his mouth in search of myself, hungry and thirsty. Because I’ve had a taste, and it wasn’t enough. I don’t want it to be enough.
I bite onto his lips and tug at his hair, excited, anxious, and addicted to him.
“This mouth,” I say, biting down again and provoking a longing sigh. “I don’t think I can survive without it.”
A corner of that beautiful mouth lifts into a smile, satisfied by himself and by the reaction he’s able to provoke in me.
“Then don’t.”
“Mmm?”
“Don’t survive without it. Don’t survive without me.”