By the time I arrive at Veldons, I’m pretty nervous. Things between us moved a little quicker than either of us expected. Until two days ago, I was so sure that we could never work things out, convinced that the way I felt was not reciprocated; that he’d never have felt the way I feel. But Rachel’s words, the way he reacted to me, to us, the way he was wrapped around me so tightly last night, after everything that happened… I wanted him to stay with me until morning so that we could wake up in each other’s arms, have breakfast together, kiss and cuddle in the doorway of my house. I wanted to imagine it was forever.
He left before sunrise. I felt his lips rest gently on my forehead, then heard the sound of my car engine. He left a note on my bedside table.
I won’t be able to think of anything but you.
It’s still there, next to my bed. I want it to stay where he left it.
“Is everything okay?” Brian asks me before opening the door.
I had to ask for a lift to come here and pick up my car. Brian seemed like the best person – he wouldn’t have asked too many questions.
“Everything’s great. Why?”
“You’re as white as a sheet. And you know my brother doesn’t like people being sick in his pub.”
I roll my eyes and step through the door he’s holding open for me; but when his eyes land on me, that’s all it takes for me to very nearly be sick all over the floor of Veldons.
I wasn’t sure of the effect it would have on me, seeing him now, but I’m sure that it’s written across my face in black and white – a face which everyone is now staring at.
Brian clears his throat to get my attention. I shake my head, still dazed by him, but follow. I take my seat at the bar and rest my fingers nervously on the wooden surface.
“Weird,” Reid says as soon as I sit down. “I thought you were already here.” I know he’s got it in for me, but I try to ignore it, turning my gaze to Leo, who looks as if he’s more or less in the same condition as me.
I’m afraid Andy might have a lot of cleaning up to do.
“Could I get a…?” I nod at one of the pint glasses to my right.
“Sure.”
He turns away, allowing me space to breathe, but the deathly silence which falls over the pub tells me this will be one of those unfortunate scenes where I end up being the main character.
“I was sure I saw your car parked out the back,” Reid continues, unperturbed.
“What the hell was it doing out the back?” Andy asks, hands on his hips and tone accusatory.
“I came with Shane. Shane always parks out back.”
“Is the back car park not for staff only?” Alex asks, earning himself a glare from Andy.“What?”
“Mind your own business.”
“All this useless chat just because Silas’ car was here before he was?” Shane attempts to shoot Reid down, saving everyone a headache.
“Why was his car parked here if he wasn’t?” Alex asks innocently.
Or maybe not so innocently.
I’ve never managed to work out whether Brennan is actually as slow as he seems, or whether he’s just playing a clever game to save himself whilst everyone else attacks.
Leo places the beer in front of me, slopping a little over onto the bar.
“Fuck,” he mutters, hurrying to wipe it up. “Sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
He sticks the cloth into the pocket of his jeans then rubs his hands nervously over his hips. I lift my gaze to his as he does the same.
“Ahh,” Reid says, plunging us both into total embarrassment.
“Ehh,” Shane agrees, as Brian shakes his head slowly beside me.
“Uhh,” Brennan adds. There’s no way he’d ever pass up on the chance to join in.
“You’re really leaving me with I or O? Sorry, I’m not really following – I got here mid-conversation,” Sullivan says, making everyone turn to him. He’s sitting next to me on the last available stool.
“Where the hell have you appeared from?” Brian asks him, and he shrugs.
“You were all busy. You didn’t notice me.”
“Are we done with your usual pre-lunch bullshit?” Andy asks, losing patience. “Can we move on, or do you want to sit here all day?”
“As if you had anything better to do,” Reid points out.
“I have your food to spit in, and Leo has your beer to spit in.”
Reid glances over at Leo, then at me – I don’t know why – before returning his gaze to Andy.
“So that’s how things are now?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’ll just let anyone spit in my beer?”
“If you like, we can both do it. Think of it as a two-for-one deal.”
“I don’t want a fucking deal. I want my damn lunch.”
“Then order! What are you waiting for?”
“I was just keeping everyone entertained.”
“No one asked you to do that,” Brian says. “Now, please, can you just tell us what the fuck you want to eat so that we can all go back to our lives?”
“Well, seeing as you asked so nicely…”
Leo pulls out his notepad and pen, ready to write down everyone’s orders, as Sullivan leans in towards me, whispering. “The guy seems a bit nervous.” I look over. “See how the pen is shaking in his hand?”
I take a sip of my pint, feigning indifference.
“You seem pretty nervous, too.”
“What do you mean…?”
“You’re drinking my beer.”
I look down at my glass then look ahead of me, where my beer is waiting, untouched. I shake my head and move it in front of Sullivan.
“When did you order?”
“I took advantage of the chaos and just helped myself.”
I laugh, in spite of myself. “If Andy had seen you…”
“Andy’s all bark and no bite. He wouldn’t hurt a fly – not even your stupid brother-in-law, who’s just waiting for a slap.”
I laugh again. Sullivan’s right: even I struggle to hold myself back sometimes from hitting Reid.
“You’re friend’s the same. A good guy, I mean.”
I knew there would be a catch.
“I’m happy for him.”
I look at him.
“He really needed a nice person like you.”
I don’t even try to deny it; I’m afraid my eyes speak for themselves.
“I’m sure you being here will help make everything right.”
I smile, then shift my gaze back over to Leo, who has just started to take everyone’s orders, except mine. He clears his throat then bites his lip.
“What do you want today, Silas?”
I think you already know what I want, Leo. And I don’t only want it just for today: I want it forever. Now it’s up to me to make you realise that without scaring you away again, and without breaking anybody’s heart.
When only Andy and Brian are left in Veldons, Leo comes over to clear my plate and glass.
“I didn’t know the others would be here today, too. They don’t usually come in at lunch on Saturdays, but I think there was something going on in the distillery – a course, maybe, I’m not sure.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I thought they’d never leave.”
I smile at him.
“I thought I was going to have to leap over this bar and…” He looks at my mouth, before looking back up into my eyes.
“Do you want to come outside with me?” I ask, ready to put his plan into action right now, but hopefully not in here.
“I have your keys.”
“I’ll wait in the car.”
I get up and say goodbye to the Veldons brothers, before nonchalantly and discreetly leaving the pub in the direction of the back car park. A few minutes later, Leo joins me.
“Hey,” I say, despite the fact we were in the same room until just a few moments ago.
“Hey,” he says, approaching me, pulling his hand from his pocket and grabbing mine. “Did I wake you up this morning?”
“I heard you leave but I fell back asleep again straight away.”
He nods, his hand moving back into his pocket.
“There was only Breda in the hotel this morning. It’s weird when you’re not there.”
“I had nothing on this morning. But I had two horse rides in the afternoon.”
“I really wanted to see you.”
“We were together until sunrise.”
“It wasn’t enough.”
I smile like an idiot.
“Oh… Your…” He pulls out my keys and hands them to me. I take them, his fingers brushing against my palm.
I know he said he isn’t embarrassed to be seen in public with me, but I don’t want to push things. I am who I am – I’ve always known, and everyone in town knows, too. But it’s a different story for him.
“I want to see you again.”
“I want that, too.”
“I’m working tonight,” he sighs, frustrated.
“Maybe we could see each other anyway.”
“Mmm?”
“I could have dinner here. If that’s okay with you – if it’s not too much…”
“If it’s okay with you, it’s okay with me.”
“Does it not bother you?”
He shakes his head vigorously. “Not at all.”
“I could come later and… Stay. Until you close up,” I say, maybe a little too bravely. “But I don’t want to pressure you or…”
Leo steps closer, his chest against mine. I can’t breathe, can’t speak.
“I loved waking up in your bed this morning.”
“And I liked falling asleep with you on top of me.”
“On top?” he asks, amused. “Are you trying to say I was hogging the bed?”
“You did, but I didn’t mind at all. Actually…” I take a deep breath, then say it. “It was so nice that I’d like to do it again.”
“Are you asking me to stay tonight, too?”
I nod anxiously. “Only if you want to.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Okay.”
“I should really…” He nods behind him, and I take a step back. “See you tonight, then?”
“Of course.”
After lunch I spend some time with Darcy and Lyla before I head off to work. Brian is busy fixing the tool shed in the garden, as we watch from the patio, making the most of the mild but cloudy weather. I offered to help, but he politely refused, to my enormous relief.
“So…” Darcy says, her eyes on Lyla, who’s playing in the sandpit a few feet away from us. “You stayed late at the pub last night.”
“Yeah, it was quite late,” I respond vaguely.
“Then this morning you asked my husband for a lift.”
I push my sunglasses further up my nose, feigning indifference.
“Mmm-hmm.”
“To go…?”
“You can jump straight to the point, if you want. I already know you’re caught-up with the fact your husband dropped me off at Veldons.”
“I actually didn’t know, but I’d guessed as much.”
“Brian didn’t say anything?”
“I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but my husband is someone who minds his own business. Not that I didn’t try to wheedle it out of him.”
“I never knew he had so much integrity.”
Darcy glares at me.
“To me he’s still just Empty Head Brian.”
“Dad’s the only person who still calls him that.”
“I’m sure there’s be someone else, too – your brother-in-law, perhaps?”
“My brother-in-law is also your brother-in-law.”
“Please, don’t remind me.”
Darcy laughs, before trying again. “So, as we were saying…”
“I wasn’t saying anything – you were making assumptions.”
“Then help me make them certainties.”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Since when?”
“Since forever.”
“Everything about you is my business – especially when it has something to do with a Fitzpatrick.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Because I already know what you think of him; what both you and Sloan think of him.”
“Neither of us want to see you get hurt. Is that so hard to understand?”
I take off my glasses, letting my gaze wander out to the fields around us.
“What’s wrong? You know you can talk to me.”
What’s wrong is that he’s back and I never forgot. What’s wrong is that he’s so beautiful and complicated and I’m just a simple guy with a simple life. What’s wrong is that he’s already broken my heart once before and I’m afraid he might do it again.
Darcy rests her hand on my arm. I don’t want to talk about private things with her, especially not when it involves someone else, too. But this is my life, and I need to get everything off my chest, talk about my problems.
“He married a woman, Darcy. And now he’s saying he wants to start something with me.”
“And you don’t believe him.”
“I believed him all those years ago. Then he married her.”
“You’ll never get over that, will you?”
“I don’t know,” I respond honestly. “It’s difficult to digest.”
“I can imagine.”
“I’ve always known what I do and don’t want. How can you say you feel a certain way, then feel those things for someone else, then tell me that it’s different with me?”
“Different how?”
I sigh and look at her. “He’s never been with another man.”
“I don’t get it.”
“I’m his only man,” I say, embarrassed. “He’s never had any other… Experience.” I don’t want to go into detail – it’s Leo’s business, after all – but how can I ever expect to understand this whole thing if I can’t talk about it with anyone?
“Okay. So you’re saying that he’s not attracted to other men, just you?”
“I think so.”
“And the problem is…?”
“Don’t you get it?”
“Honestly? No.”
I furrow my brow in confusion. I thought Darcy would’ve been able to help me understand.
“I swear it’s much more complicated than it seems.”
“It seems fairly simple to me. But because you’re so emotionally invested in it, and because you’ve been hurt in the past, maybe you’re struggling to see things in the right light.”
“And what light would that be?”
Darcy sighs, then leans towards me, taking my hands in hers.
“I know it hasn’t been easy, Silas: being the person you want to be, shouting it from the rooftops. I’ve always admired you, your bravery, and your confidence. I would’ve loved to be like you.”
I shake my head, uncomfortable.
“But it’s not like that for everyone. Not everyone is so confident in their place in the world.”
“I know that.”
“And not everyone feels the need to define who they are.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re trying to define the way Leo feels about you, when the only real explanation is that it’s love.”
I blush. “Leo isn’t in love with me.”
Darcy’s expression softens.
“He wasn’t then, and he isn’t now, trust me.”
“Why? Because he was with you, then he married a woman, and now he’s come back to you?”
My face is ablaze.
“Leo is just trying to understand himself, work out how he feels and what he wants – or, rather, who he wants. You should stop questioning it, trying to label what you are. You should just hold him close and tell him that you’re there for him, that he’s there for you, and that’s all you need.”
I smile at my sister’s simplified but beautiful explanation.
“When did you become such a romantic?”
“Shut up.”
“Who’s romantic?” Brian joins us on the patio. He’s shirtless, sweaty, and ridiculously good-looking – although I definitely shouldn’t be looking at him like that.
My sister could’ve at least chosen an ugly husband.
“We were talking about you, honey.”
Brian walks over to Darcy and bends down to wrap his arms around her.
“Sure, sure… I’ve never heard of a romantic Veldons.”
“What would you know?” Darcy asks.
“Maybe we have some hidden talents,” Brian says, winking.
“Please, I don’t want to know.”
Brian laughs, then pours himself a glass of lemonade, finishing it in two gulps.
“What do you think?” he asks, nodding towards the shed at the end of the garden.
“I’d say you know what you’re doing. Or, at least, I think you do…”
Brian and Darcy laugh – they know I’m useless at any DIY.
“I’m going to get in the shower. Are you staying here?” he asks me.
“He has plans tonight,” Darcy answers for me. “I think he’s going to Veldons for dinner.”
Brian studies me and I get up, slipping my sunglasses on and turning to him.
“I’m not going to explain myself to you – even if you are my favourite brother-in-law.”
I kiss Darcy on the cheek before approaching my sand-covered niece to say goodbye.
“Be careful of how often you say I’m your favourite,” Brian yells at me from across the garden. “It might not go down so well with everyone.”
I laugh and turn around. “That’s exactly what I was hoping for.”