Leo places two pints on the table and takes a seat across from me. The pub is full – it is Saturday night, after all – and I can feel everyone’s eyes on us. I don’t know whether they’re staring because we’re sitting here together or whether they’re wondering what the hell is going on – but maybe that’s just my impression.
I don’t usually bring the guys I’m dating to Veldons; to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever gone out with a local – not in my adult life, at least. It wasn’t deliberate, and I’ve never worried about what people might think – it’s just that there isn’t much choice here in Letterfrack. Besides, at the hotel there are people coming and going every day, so it’s never been difficult for me to meet someone. It’s must harder to meet someone you have something in common with, someone you could build something with. But now that Leo is sitting in front of me, smiling, I understand that it wasn’t just a case of difficulty, but of me not wanting to make the effort with anyone else.
“What’s up?” he asks, realising that I’m staring at him.
“Nothing, I was just thinking.”
“About what?” He sips his beer.
“About the fact I never thought I’d be sitting in Veldons with you.”
“Are you worried someone might say something?”
“Not at all. As you know, everyone here is fully aware of my interests.”
Leo blushes gently.
“But we might become the talk of the town.”
“And you’re not sure about me.”
“I’m not sure about how you’ll deal with that. From what I remember, you didn’t love everyone talking about your business.”
“I don’t like it now, either.”
“Then maybe I should’ve avoided coming here tonight.”
“The only reason I don’t like it is because I’m reserved as a person. If I didn’t want to see you here, I wouldn’t be sitting with you, would I?”
I sigh, reassured. “Sorry.”
“What for?”
“I shouldn’t always make such a big deal of these things, but I can’t help it.”
“Why do you keep thinking about the past?”
“I can’t help it, but I’m trying to get better, I swear. I want to. I want to just forget it all and think about this: about tonight, and maybe about later.”
Leo bites his lip. “Later?”
Our food arrives directly from Andy.
“I’d have come and got it…” Leo says, almost apologising for causing Andy the trouble.
“On the house.”
“What?” Leo is uncomfortable. “No, absolutely, I…”
Andy places a hand on his shoulder. “I’m the boss.”
Leo shakes his head in disbelief, but relents. “Thank you.”
“Have a good evening.” He walks off, leaving Leo confused.
“You don’t like it, do you?”
“Mmm?”
“When he treats you like you’re part of the family.”
“I work for him.”
“Andy is a good guy. He has questionable ways of showing it sometimes…” I smile. “But he’s a great person, and so is his brother.”
“I’m happy for him and Darcy.”
“I am, too. We all are. And since they told us that they’re planning on staying…” I smile, moved. “We’re all on cloud nine – especially our dad.”
“I can imagine.”
“But let’s not talk about my family,” I say, cutting myself off.
“Why not? I like hearing about them.”
“Are you sure?”
Leo considers this for a moment. “I missed them. Everyone. A lot.” His tone lowers, his expression growing sad.
When we were kids and we spent a lot of time together, Leo was often at our house. I don’t know whether my dad ever questioned our relationship, but he never said anything about it to me and never made me think otherwise. My sisters only found out years later. My crush on Leo was so obvious that a blind man would’ve noticed.
“It was so nice when you were round,” I say, my tone soft, with no bitterness. “And it’s even nicer that you’re here now.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes, each studying the other. Things feel more relaxed between us now – we can’t even feel the other customers’ eyes on us. There’s only me and him, and this rediscovered complicity which makes us both feel so comfortable in each other’s company.
“Lyla has grown up so much,” he says then, picking up his cutlery and cutting into his meat. “The last time I saw her she hadn’t even said her first word, and now…”
“And now most of the things she says can’t be repeated.”
Leo laughs and I sip my beer.
“We’re all a terrible influence on her.”
“You love her.”
I shrug. “How can you not? I mean, have you seen her?”
He smiles softly, and a sense of hope the size of my whole heart starts to expand inside me.
“I can’t wait for the twins to be born.”
“You must be excited.”
“So excited. I’ve always wanted loads of kids…” I study his expression, before fear takes over, “…in the family,” I correct myself.
Leo smiles.
“Do you like the idea of having a big family?” I ask with feigned nonchalance, sticking a piece of chicken into my mouth.
“To be honest, I’ve never really thought about it.”
“Mmm-hmm,” I mumble, taking a sip of beer.
“It’s just me and Noel, and, well…” He shrugs and leaves his sentence unfinished.
I don’t want to carry on with this conversation, so I move back to us, to tonight.
“Did you think any more about it?”
“Mmm?”
“About later – whether you’d like to stay at mine tonight. Did you think about it?”
“I thought about it.”
“And…?”
“And I’d like to make sure you get home safe and sound tonight.”
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’, then.”
“It is.”
After we had dinner together, Leo excused himself and went back to work. I ordered another beer and sat at the bar, waiting. I chatted a little with a few people, kept myself amused with Andy and Shane, who came by later, after he’d had dinner with Reid. He’ll stay until closing. At about one in the morning, Andy told Leo to go home.
We walked out together, and no one even glanced our way – mainly because there were only a few people left in the pub, and they were all so drunk that they didn’t notice us. We separated in the car park, each taking our own car, before meeting back up outside my house.
Leo gets out of his car and joins me at the front door. I push my key into the lock as his hands come to rest on my hips; there’s tension in his fingers, just as there is in mine as they fiddle with the keys. There’s tension in the air in my house, which we inhale as soon as we step through the door.
There are no words, no requests, no doubts on the reciprocity of our intentions. There are no second thoughts. We both know why we’re here. And maybe, for the first time, we’re both sure of what we want.
“Do you want something to drink, or…?”
His lips press against my neck.
“There’s only one thing I want, Silas.” I turn in his arms. “And you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“You’re talking about sex.”
He shakes his head, his breathing heavy and fear in his eyes.
“Y-You,” he whispers into the darkness of my living room. “I want you.”
I grab his T-shirt and pull him into me. My mouth devouring his isn’t enough; my body pushing convulsively against his isn’t enough; his hands in my hair aren’t enough; feeling his erection urging against me isn’t enough. But all these years apart, filled with regret, are enough, and I don’t want to waste another second knowing how it feels not to be with him.
I pull him towards my bedroom, his T-shirt ending up on the floor before we’ve even stepped through the doorway. Leo grabs at mine, pulling it over my head and throwing it to our feet. I kick off my shoes and he mirrors my movements, before tugging at his belt. His hard chest slams against me, his eyes running over my face, vigilantly, languidly. My own eyes follow his breathlessly, waiting, longing.
Don’t take this from me again, Leo. I want to yell at the top of my lungs, but I can’t – not when you’re stroking my face with your hands splayed, ready to pull me in and kiss me as if there weren’t a single breath left to steal from my lips.
He pushes me backwards, my calves meeting the bed. I sit down and he kneels onto the mattress, lying me onto my back. His hands are on the button of my jeans, his movements sweet in their nervousness. I take his hands in mine and his eyes flash up to meet my gaze.
We’re together in this thing, Leo. You have nothing to be afraid of – not when you’re with me.
I help him unbutton my jeans, which sit open, leaving him time to decide whether or not he wants to take this step with me.
“I actually think I’ve wanted this from the day I pushed you against that fence and kissed you, that first time.”
Emotion overwhelms me, transforming into a searing heat which expands through my torso.
“I was so young, Silas, and so confused.”
I stroke his face with one hand. “I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “Don’t be. You’re here now.”
“You bet I’m here.”
I smile, happy and overcome with emotion.
“And you bet that I want this, too.”