I’ve dreamed of a moment like this so many times that I have to look at him, touch him, kiss him constantly, just to be sure that he’s really here with me.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold myself back, to avoid hurting him, to think of anything but him and how he might take this thing between us, when I’m so taken myself on the impact that being with Leo for the first time is having on me.
I’ve wanted him for years, forever. He was my first fantasy, my first crush, my only love.
Leo relaxes underneath me, his fingers gripping tightly at my arse as I plunge into his body, hips slamming against his arse. I’m buried in him, my movements a painful, anxious motor.
“I want to spend the rest of my life inside you,” I tell him, bending down to rest my hands on his face.
“Then do it,” he pants, his hands on my own face, now.
“What…? What do you want to…?”
“Stay with me.”
Tears prick immediately at my throat.
“Stay inside me forever.”
“Are you… Are you serious?”
His forehead is against mine, his breathing convulsive, hitting my mouth.
“That’s all I’d ever ask for. There’s nothing I want but you.”
“There’s nothing I want but you.” I press my mouth against his and begin to writhe again. “You, fuck. You. It’s always been you.” I push again, and Leo opens himself to me completely, letting himself go; letting himself be loved.
I grab his arse and hold him against me, his legs bent against his torso, my hips thrusting ceaselessly. I can feel the heat, my heartbeat accelerating, my blood pumping; a wave washes over us, sweeping us both into its wake. One final thrust empties me into his body.
I collapse onto him, my damp hair on his chest. I hold him close to me for fear that everything will disappear from my hands after this moment. I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his breath, his warmth, his body, his love, for as long as he’s willing to give it all to me.
“I think I just died,” I hear in my ear.
I laugh exhaustedly, still feeling disorientated. I slide slowly away from him and lie by his side.
“Are you okay?”
“I think so… I’m not sure. Ask me in a few years.”
I laugh for real this time and curl into him, my fingers tracing shapes on his muscles, my eyes glued to his silhouette.
“Did I hurt you?”
He turns and looks at me. “You could never hurt me.”
“I got a bit carried away. You’re so…” I bite down on my lip at the thought of what just happened. The power and adrenaline in that orgasm is still coursing through my veins.
Leo’s thumb traces my wet lips, slipping into my mouth and making me shiver. I lick him slowly, his own lips parted, his breathing growing rugged again. He slips a finger into my mouth and lets it slide in and out, in and out, his hand grabbing at his erection, hard against his stomach.
I lift myself onto my knees, replacing his hand with my own before sliding his dick into my mouth. Leo’s hands are on my neck, my free hand massaging his testicles. He presses gently on my skin, asking me to take him; his hips move quickly, his erection plunging into my throat. I take him, excited, as Leo writhes beneath me, agitated, waiting to be able to empty himself in me, to enjoy the sensation of my mouth.
“Fuck, fuck…” His fingers tug at my hair as Leo lets the orgasm take over him, killing him then bringing him back to life, back to me.
I give him time to recover, to realise that he’s still here. His hands, so gentle and sweet now, are stroking my face; he bends down to meet me. He kisses me, his tongue and mine locked in a sensual dance. He moves me on top of him, my head on his warm chest, his arms holding me tightly, almost preventing me from breathing.
“Stay like this. Do you want to?”
I loop an arm around his waist and slowly stroke his side.
“I have absolutely no intention of going anywhere.”
When I step out of the bathroom, I find Leo sitting on the bed, putting on his T-shirt.
“Are you cold?” I tease, although the serious expression on his face tells me that something has broken; that something’s about to disappear. He’s not the same man I loved with my whole self just an hour ago.
We lay out on the bed like that in silence, wrapped up in each other, listening only to the serenity of finally having each other in our arms.
“I can’t stay overnight.”
“Why not?”
He sighs and gets up, gathering up his underwear and pulling it on.
“I don’t really feel like it.”
“Oh…” I take a step back, fighting the urge to run into the bathroom and lock myself inside to cry through the night; but I manage to hold back.
“No, no,” he says, noting my expression. He steps closer and takes my face in his hands – they’re cold, now. “Don’t think that I don’t want to. I have absolutely no intention of being far from you.”
I study him, confused.
“I just don’t want to leave him on his own.”
“Are you talking about Noel?”
He sighs again, as if an enormous weight had just been lifted.
“He’s so fragile, Silas. And so lonely.”
His voice, and the way his eyes darken, moves something in me.
“Are you scared that he might… Do something?” I ask cautiously.
“I don’t know. Some days he seems almost calm, while others… I’m even scared to leave him alone when I’m at work. I’m sorry, but I can’t leave him alone in that house to think, reminisce… He has a lot of nightmares, and sometimes he doesn’t sleep at all.”
“Hey, it’s fine. Don’t worry.”
“No, it’s not fine. We just slept together and it was… It was amazing.” His face flushes, as I imagine mine does. “And the thought of leaving your bed before the sun’s up, sneaking away like this…” He shakes his head. “Please, believe me when I tell you I wish I could stay until tomorrow morning.”
“I believe you,” I say, smiling, although sadness is starting to seep through me.
I don’t want him to go home, leave me in my bed alone, without him – not now that we’ve been together, after everything we’ve shared. But I know I can’t keep him.
“Can we see each other tomorrow?”
“I’m really busy tomorrow. I don’t know what time I’ll be free.”
“Okay. Can I call you later to see what you’re up to?”
“Of course.”
He plants a kiss onto my lips and takes a step back.
He’d warned me – we’d even come in two separate cars. But I didn’t think it would hurt so much to see him leave, now. And I had no idea he was this worried about his brother.
Leo doesn’t often talk about what’s on his mind, and I’m afraid that won’t get better with time.
“See you tomorrow, then.”
“See you tomorrow.”
He flashes me one last smile before leaving my bedroom; leaving me with the sensation that maybe everything we shared tonight is the most I can expect.
When I get back from my excursions the next morning, hoping to quickly eat some lunch, I find both my sisters in the kitchen.
“What are you doing here?”
“Probably the same thing you’re doing.”
“Shouldn’t you be at home?” I ask Sloan, as I open the fridge in search of something to fill a sandwich with.
“Doing what?”
“Have you seen yourself lately? You’re just a bit pregnant.”
“I still have a week.”
“Couldn’t you get off sooner? You’re the boss’ daughter.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“I’m trying to make you finally get some rest. I’d like my nieces and nephews to be born somewhere nice, like a hospital.”
Darcy laughs. “You’re worried she’ll end up like Ellie.”
Ellie Brennan gave birth on the floor of their kitchen, with only Brian for company, during a snowstorm. The roads were iced over, and she was stuck on her own for a while; it was only my brother-in-law’s subconscious that saved her, got him out on the road and rushing to her aid. Everything ended for the best, but I don’t want my sister to have to go through the same thing.
“Aren’t you going to eat with us?”
“I have another tour in an hour.”
“You have loads of time to sit down and eat something off a plate – not just standing next to the fridge.”
Yes, I do have time. I just can’t be bothered. I love spending time with my sisters, but after last night, there’s a lot going through my mind that I don’t particularly want to share with anyone.
“Come on,” Darcy says, getting up and approaching me. She takes me by the shoulders and pushes me over to the table. “Sit down and eat something. And don’t make such a fuss about it.”
I shrug and give in. Darcy takes a seat next to me and Sloan passes me a plate. At the centre of the table is some turkey, asparagus, potatoes and honey-roasted carrots. Better than a quick sandwich, I guess.
I’m filling my plate with a little of everything as Sloan clears her throat.
“So…” she begins, waiting for me to look at her. But I don’t fall for it: this game may have worked when we were kids and they would torture me until I confessed to anything and everything, but I’m an adult now. I’m stronger, and I won’t let them break me.
“Nothing you want to tell us?”
I stick an almost-whole piece of bread into my mouth and chew, shaking my head.
“Your expression says otherwise.”
I stab at a few carrots with my fork.
“My expression says I should never have sat down with you.”
My sisters laugh.
“Do you know what his expression says to me?” Darcy says to Sloan, about me. “It says that he didn’t get much sleep last night. And that he wasn’t alone.”
“Are you done?”
“We’ve actually just started, and we’re ready to attack. We’re not going to forget about this – not until we know every last detail.”
Me and my sisters have a fairly open relationship. This wasn’t always the case: it was a gradual, somewhat painful process, but with time and patience we managed to build something healthy, based on trust and sharing. I have no issues talking to them about the guys I’m seeing usually, but now we’re talking about Leo, and they both know about the pieces of my heart he left behind all those years ago.
“Come on, it’s my last week at work, then I’ll just have to sit at home doing nothing all day. Let me just enjoy this.”
“And you want to enjoy it behind my back?”
“What are siblings for?”
“Twins,” Darcy corrects.
“I just want to know how things are going. And what those things are.”
“And how far they’ve gone,” Darcy adds.
“Either way, we know you left together last night.”
“You’re unbelievable.”
“We are. But you love us anyway.”
“That doesn’t mean I’ll fall for it.”
“We’re not trying to trick you into anything. We just… Want to be up-to-date.”
“On your life,” Darcy clarifies.
“I have nothing to say.”
My sisters share a knowing glance, and I try to swallow down a few potatoes.
“Is something wrong?”
“No, everything’s fine. Great, actually.”
“Between the two of you? Does that mean…?”
“I’m not saying anything. You’re the ones who keep asking, interrogating me. You’re impossible!”
“We can at least agree on that.”
An unexpected yet longed-for voice floats over to us. We turn slowly towards the door which leads to the dining room, and all three of us are left breathless.
“It’s you…” I mutter, incredulous. I get up slowly, emotion making my throat vibrate, and bring my hand to my mouth.
Niamh is standing there, right in the doorway.
It’s her, there’s no doubt about it. Even though it’s been years, and she seems more grown-up, slimmer, sadder, and more alone.
Even though she could just be a projection of someone who belongs to another part of our lives.
“You’re really here,” Sloan says, her emotion manifesting itself as tears.
“I promised you I’d come back if you ever needed me,” Niamh says, reaching out her arms and smiling. “I’m here for you.”
We’re so shocked by her arrival that none of us can say anything that makes any sense. Sloan tries to keep her emotions at bay – which are heightened by her pregnancy – but she can’t stop stroking Niamh’s hand, almost as if letting go would mean losing her again. Darcy is looking at her as if she doesn’t recognise her – as if she isn’t sure whether she’s really our sister and not an imposter. And me? Well, I don’t know what to think, and I definitely don’t know what to say.
Niamh left six years ago. She just abandoned us. With a letter. It left an indelible mark on our father. We thought she’d never come back, that we’d never have heard much from her. Sure, she occasionally called, and Sloan tried to keep up our relationship with her. But she always said that she’d come back at the right time – and it seems that time has finally arrived.
I don’t know what her presence here will mean for us, and I don’t know whether she’s here to stay or just to get answers. All I know is that her return will shake up everything – and not just in our family.
I leave my sisters and head towards the back door, pushing it open and stepping into the fresh air. I walk away and pull out my phone. I don’t know exactly how things are going between Leo and I, but I’m sure that I don’t have the mental capacity or the strength to face this, too. So I type out a quick message to tell him that I can’t see him today, then slip my phone back into my pocket, sighing.
I glance back at the door, where Darcy, whose expression is very similar to my own, is waiting for me.
“This doesn’t change anything between you two.”
I sigh again, more dejected than before.
“She has nothing to do with you and Leo.”
“I really wish you were right.”
“Let’s just try to work out what’s going on before we jump to any conclusions, or start panicking.”
“You’re right. And besides, we have something much more important to deal with.”
“We have to tell Dad.”
I nod, truly nervous now.
Darcy steps closer to me, taking my hands and squeezing them between her own.
“We can do anything together, Silas.”
I squeeze her fingers in response.
“And now we just have to work out whether our sister is here to stay or whether she plans to shatter our family forever.”