Following her unexpected appearance, all the hugs and questions that no one knew who to ask, Niamh asked whether she could stay with me for tonight. She doesn’t feel like seeing anyone, least of all our father. He still hasn’t been informed of her return. I wanted to tell him right away, and so did Darcy, but Sloan insisted on giving Niamh at least twenty-four hours to settle in and calm down. Because her return, although definitely welcomed – as we’ve reassured her – doesn’t seem to be a particularly well-thought-out move.
Niamh left one winter evening. She left a letter asking us for time and space, and we gave her those things. We’d never have thought that it would’ve taken her six years to come home.
I gave her the keys to my house and told her to wait for me there – I had two more tours this afternoon. Darcy dropped her at mine. Luckily, no one who knew who she was saw her in the hotel. Breda wasn’t in the kitchen and our dad was fishing with Colin Brennan. I just hope that word doesn’t spread around town before Niamh herself goes to see him.
“Your phone,” she says, nodding at it. “It keeps buzzing.”
I glance down at it. “I’ll get it later.”
“It’s done nothing but vibrate since you got home.”
I take a sip of wine under her watchful gaze. I got home at around six, and Niamh was here, making dinner. She wanted to make up for her intrusion, as if having my sister here could ever be an intrusion.
“Seems like someone’s in a hurry to talk to you.”
I sigh, defeated. I sent Leo a message as soon as Niamh got to the hotel, then haven’t looked at my phone since. I was busy with work, with my sisters, with my thoughts… Then I just didn’t know what to say to him. Niamh’s return was definitely not expected, and neither was the way our relationship has evolved. To be honest, I’m scared of the repercussions my sister’s return could have on us.
“Whatever it is, it can wait.”
“I could’ve stayed with Sloan.”
“I’m happy to have you here.”
I didn’t want her to stay with Sloan. She’s in the final few weeks of her pregnancy and I don’t want anything to stress or worry her. Darcy has a lot going on herself with work and she and Brian’s project. But what do I have? Doubt and confusion.
“I’ve made meatballs,” Niamh says, bringing my attention back to her. “You used to like them a lot.”
“I still do.”
She smiles at me, before returning her gaze to the hob, lowering the temperature and covering the pan with a lid. “Just a few more minutes.”
She pulls a garlic baguette out of the oven and rests it on the counter.
“Do you want some more wine?” I wave the bottle at her.
“I haven’t finished my first glass, yet.”
I fill up my own as she studies me.
“And we haven’t even eaten yet.”
I ignore her subtle accusation and take a sip.
“Are you sure it’s okay for me to stay here?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because you seem nervous.”
“You think?”
“And worried.”
“How could I not be?”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s been six years, Niamh.”
She lowers her gaze, avoiding my eyes.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done to Dad?”
“What I’ve done? Me?” She raises her voice. “You have no idea how I felt!”
“You’re right, I don’t. And you know why? Because you just packed your bags and disappeared in the middle of the night, leaving us all behind to wonder what the hell we’d done so wrong – why we weren’t enough for you.”
“That’s not what happened, and you know it.”
“No, I don’t know it, for the reasons I’ve just explained. You gave us no chance to understand, to help, to…”
“I needed to understand.”
“And you needed to do it on your own?”
“I needed to do it away from here.”
“Why?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Then try to explain.”
She shakes her head and turns her attention back to the hob. “Dinner’s ready.”
I scoff, defeated. Niamh’s speciality is to cut the conversation short when it isn’t going her way. Oh, and then to disappear, obviously.
We sit at the table in silence. Niamh passes me the bread and I take a few pieces. “Thanks for cooking.”
She smiles, stabbing at a meatball with her fork.
“Are you really here for Sloan?” I ask her, then. I don’t want anyone else in this family to suffer – especially not Sloan.
“I promised her that I’d come home if she ever needed help.”
“And are you? Are you home now?”
“I hope so.”
I hope so, too, although I keep that thought to myself.
“You can stay. If you don’t want to stay with Dad, you can stay here with me for as long as you need. If you need some space, some calm.”
“Thank you.”
“But I really want Dad to find out that you’re back from you.”
“Tomorrow, I promise.”
“Okay.”
I stick a fork into my meatballs, but someone knocks at the door as I’m bringing it to my mouth.
“Are you expecting someone?”
I put down my fork and get up. “It’ll probably be Darcy. She can’t stay away from the gossip for more than two minutes – she’s terrified of being the last person to find out about things.”
I leave Niamh at the table and head over to the door. But when I open it, I don’t find Darcy, as I expected.
“Oh… You’re here.”
“Were you expecting someone else?”
“No one. I wasn’t expecting anyone.” I pull the door to behind me. “I didn’t expect to see you today.”
“Is it a problem?”
“No, of course not.”
“It certainly seems like a problem from the way you’re not letting me in.”
“What are you talking about…?”
“Do you regret it?”
“No. It’s not what you think.”
“You’ve been ignoring my messages and calls all day.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“Busy.” He takes a step back. “You were busy.”
“That’s what I said.”
“But I was… Here. Yesterday.”
“Leo…”
“We slept together.”
“Please, just let me explain…”
He walks down the steps and heads back towards his car. I follow him.
“Leo, wait…”
He turns around suddenly, but his eyes don’t land on me. I turn, too, only to see my sister standing in the doorway, observing the scene. Leo takes a few seconds to understand who it is, then shifts his gaze onto me.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” I say, my voice small. I don’t want Niamh to hear and jump to conclusions. “I wanted to work out first whether…” I step away from the house, encouraging him to follow me to escape my sister’s earshot.
“She’s back?”
“I have no idea,” I tell him honestly. “She just showed up at the hotel today, and I…”
“Got it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be. I’m sorry for showing up here and causing such a pathetic scene.”
“It’s not pathetic – I’d have done the same, in your position.”
He considers this for a moment, then runs a hand through his hair.
“I thought you’d had second thoughts. About me, about us.”
“Why would I?”
“Because of how I just left.”
“No, absolutely not.”
He nods, but still seems tense, concerned – more so even than me. “I guess it’s best if I…” He nods over at his car and sighs. “I don’t want Noel to find out the wrong way. I don’t want it to get to him too much.”
“Of course.”
“Talk tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow. I’ll call you.”
He stays standing in front of me for a few more seconds, waiting for me to say or do something, before deciding to climb into his car. I watch him leave with a weight pushing down on my chest, with the sensation that my sister’s return is already causing more damage than I thought. I turn dejectedly towards my front door, where Niamh is waiting, having witnessed the entire scene and probably heard a few snippets of our conversation, too.
“What’s going on?” she asks immediately. I walk past her and into the house.
Niamh closes the door and waits for an explanation – an explanation that I don’t want to give her.
“You know what’s going on,” I respond icily.
“And you know you’re going to get hurt.”
I whip around to look at her. “You have no right to say that, and I don’t owe you anything.”
“You’re right, it’s none of my business.”
“No, it’s not.”
“I’m just worried you’re going to get hurt again.”
“Like you hurt someone else?”
“You don’t have the right to get involved in my business, either.”
We stand there in my living room, each in front of the other, an enormous chasm between us as large as the one Niamh created between herself and the rest of the family. And although we’re only a metre apart, I know that the gap between us will never be filled – not by me and certainly not by her.
I should’ve known that her return would have caused more damage; I should’ve known that this would’ve hurt me more than anything else. Because Niamh and I share so much – much more than just family, more than a surname, and more than either of us would ever have wanted.