The next day, I feel like I should warn Dad of Niamh’s return before she can. I don’t want to get involved, but I don’t think her just showing up out of nowhere like she did with us is the best way to tackle this.
I knock at the door to his office and stick my head inside. “Hey, are you busy?”
“If you’ve come to update me on the latest news,” he says, lifting his head from the desk, “you’re about twelve hours too late.”
“Does that mean…?”
“You really think I don’t know what’s going on in my own hotel?”
I step inside and sit down across from him. “We didn’t mean to keep it from you.”
“She didn’t even come home.” His voice changes immediately.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said she could stay.”
“She’s your sister.”
I sigh sadly. “Have you seen her yet?”
He shakes his head.
God, Niamh. Do you always have to be so stubborn?
“I wanted to bring her here this morning, but she wasn’t there when I got up. I have no idea where she is, and I don’t even know how she managed to leave.”
I don’t exactly live in the centre of town – let’s just say it would be a pretty long walk.
“Are you sure you don’t know where she is?” my father asks, his gaze soft but tortured.
“Are you saying…?”
“Niamh left a lot behind her.”
I leap to my feet. “Sorry, I have to…” I head towards the door. “I have to make sure she isn’t causing any more damage.”
My father nods.
“I promise, I’ll try to fix everything.”
“It’s not up to you to do that.”
Maybe not, but I need this family to stay intact. I need my heart to stay intact.
“Let me take care of this.”
My father smiles at me. “I just want my little girl back.”
I try to control my emotions, keeping them blocked in my throat.
“We’ll make everything right. Trust me.”
Maybe I shouldn’t have taken on this responsibility, or promised my dad that I’d take care of it. I realise this as soon as I see Niamh hiding behind a tree in the town’s tiny park, which happens to be just across the road from the Fitzpatrick bakery.
“Are you really here for Sloan?”
Niamh sighs, turning to face me.
“You’re here for you.”
“I don’t know why I’m here.”
“Do you want to talk about it? With me, maybe?”
She nods, peeling herself from the bark.
“I’m not your enemy.”
“I know.”
“None of us are. I’m sure you know that, too.”
She doesn’t respond, but keeps her gaze locked on the bakery window.
“Come on. Let me buy you breakfast.”
“But what if someone sees me…?”
“We’ll go out of town. Somewhere quiet.”
“I just need a moment.”
I look over at the window, too, where Leo and Noel are standing behind the counter. There are a few customers in the shop keeping them occupied, allowing us to watch them undetected for longer than necessary.
“Nothing’s changed, has it?” I ask her, an enormous weight on my heart.
Niamh glances at me. “Some things never leave you.”
And no one could understand how she feels better than me.
We find a deserted café on the road to Clifden and sit at a table for two, ordering coffee and muffins and waiting for them to bring us our drinks. Niamh has been silent since we left Letterfrack. I knew that there was much more than a promise to her sister behind her return, but I don’t want to push her into opening up. We had a good relationship once, maybe because we’re both so similar. We’re both free spirits, a little wild, even, as our dad liked to say. But we’ve been apart for so many years that I don’t really know what’s left of us, what may be lost forever. I know she’s suffering, and not just because of the issues in our family. I know she’s suffering for someone else, and I know she feels guilty for not having been there in the moment he most needed her.
I rest my hand on hers and Niamh meets my gaze. Her eyes are lifeless, her expression telling me that coming here is hurting her even more than her absence hurt us.
Maybe I’ve been too hard on her, gripped by the fear of losing what we’ve just gained. I was selfish, thinking only of the consequences for myself, for everyone. But I never thought about how she might feel. It’s true that she was the one to leave, but that doesn’t mean her decision was easy.
“Are you here for him?”
She shakes her head, lowering her gaze.
“I thought I was here for so many reasons, but I’m not so sure anymore.”
A waiter brings over our breakfast, before leaving us alone again. Niamh stirs her coffee absentmindedly, lifting her green eyes to me.
“I could’ve never imagined the effect he’d have on me.”
I smile understandingly.
“I thought that…” She shakes her head. “I thought I’d got over him.”
Oh, Niamh. There are some things we can never get over; take it from someone who hoped secretly for years that he’d one day be loved the way he loved others.
“It’s different.”
“Mmm?”
“Him. He’s different.”
“He is.”
“I should’ve come back sooner.”
I squeeze her hand affectionately.
“I should’ve been there for him.”
“You can be there for him now.”
She shakes her head. “It’s too late.”
“No, it’s not.”
“He’s not the man I used to love. And I’m not the woman he used to love.”
“You can’t know that. Have you tried talking to him?”
“He doesn’t want to see me.”
“How do you know? You haven’t even tried.”
“He told me.”
“When?”
“When I went to see him.”
I shake my head, confused. “What are you talking about?”
“When his dad died.”
“You were here?”
Niamh’s eyes fill with tears.
“And you didn’t come to see us? Your family?”
“I was here for him.”
It doesn’t seem right to concentrate on my disappointment right now, so I push it aside to try and understand her.
“He told me that if I left again, I should never come back.”
“And you…”
“In the middle of the night. I left in the middle of the night. His dad had just died and I left him on his own.”
“Niamh…”
“And I didn’t even have the courage to come back when…” Tears streak her face. “When he needed me.”
I can’t fight her on this. There’s nothing I can say to make it better.
“He was so angry, and…” She shakes her head, drying her tears. “I destroyed everything we had, destroyed him, and… I destroyed myself. Forever. And there’s nothing I can do to make things right, Silas. Nothing. He hates me, and I… I can’t do anything but accept what I’ve done and live with this guilt for the rest of my life.”
I step away to answer the phone just as Niamh decides to set foot in the hotel, intending to talk to our father.
“I’ll be right there,” I tell her, bringing the phone to my ear.
“Hey,” I say, anxious.
“I was about to hang up. I thought you’d never pick up.”
“I’m sorry.” I rub at my forehead with two fingers. “Everything’s so complicated at the moment.”
“I can imagine.”
“I didn’t mean to ignore your calls. And your messages.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I’m just… Stressed.”
And worried. Especially after my sister’s confession.
“You don’t have to justify yourself, honestly. I get it. Niamh is back, so there’ll be chaos in your family.”
And in my mind. But I don’t tell him this.
“Basically, yeah.”
“I just wanted to say that if you need to talk… I’m here.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll let you go.”
“Speak soon.”
I hang up and sigh, sliding my phone into my pocket and joining my sister, stopping at the hotel stairway.
“Ready?”
“No. But does that matter?”
I take her hand and squeeze.
“Thanks, Silas. I don’t know if I could do this without you.”
“No problem. That’s what siblings are for, right?”
Niamh smiles tightly.
“Now, let’s go and reunite our family once and for all.”
The embrace between my sister and my dad was cold and more than a little awkward. She doesn’t feel at home – we can all see that, all feel it. There’s no need for it to be said out loud. And he doesn’t know how to make peace with his mistakes – if we can call them mistakes.
Everyone gets things wrong, then hopes they can make them right. Niamh hasn’t given my dad enough time, didn’t believe in him. She acted impulsively, spurred on by bitterness and rage; she felt betrayed, alone. She felt wronged. And she gave us up, gave up her family’s love, the chance at a future.
I don’t want to be like her. I don’t want to make the same mistake, live with such anger. I want to embrace this moment, to live for him – for us. I want to let this go. I want to forget all the suffering and take whatever good will come from this.
I want to believe in him, in us.
That’s why, when I get to the front door of my house, and find him waiting there, I grab his T-shirt and pull him inside with me. My lips press desperately against his, his hands planted on my hips.
“I don’t want to waste another day, another night.” He pushes himself against me, scared to let me go. “Tell me it’ll always be us,” I pant onto his mouth, my hands on his face, my eyes searching for a response in his.
Don’t ask questions, Leo. Just give me what I’m missing.
“What happened?”
“I realised what I was losing, realised I never wanted to lose it again.”
“Are you talking about…?”
“You. I’m only talking about you.”
Leo presses his warm mouth against mine, his hands sliding up the length of my body, stopping at my face. He holds me against him, his tongue slipping into me. His heat wraps me up, the safety of his arms stripping me of my fear.
“I need you,” I whisper, my hands grappling nervously at his top.
Leo takes a few steps, forcing me backwards. He grabs my shirt and rips it open, making a few buttons ping onto the floor. His mouth returns to mine, his torso pinning me back. His erection strains, the heat of his searing skin lighting up my body.
“I want to fuck you.” I grab his belt and drag him towards me, to my bedroom. I unbutton his trousers and Leo pulls them off, leaving them on the floor along with his shoes. He moves back to me, pushing me onto the bed; I pull him down to the mattress with me. His hands are either side of my head, his eyes dark and intense, swallowing the world around me. “I need to fuck you.” My voice dips, nerves weighing on my chest. “I need to know you’re here with me.”
“I’m here, Silas.” He kisses me again, his lips softly caressing mine. I stroke his face, my thumb tracing the shape of his parted lips.
“I need to know you’re here to stay.” I lift myself up slowly, and Leo sits next to me. “I need to know you’re only mine.”
I just say it; no regrets, no second thoughts. It’s the way I feel, and it’s what I’m most afraid of.
“I am.”
Tears begin to melt in my eyes before I can try to stop them.
“I always have been.”
He kisses me again, his mouth tenderly loving mine as his words cradle my terrified soul, looking for a way to heal. He pushes me gently back onto the mattress, his hands carefully running the length of my body, as if he needed reassurance, now; needed to know I’m here with him, I’ll never stop loving him.
I unbutton my trousers under his longing gaze, lifting my hips and pushing them down with my underwear. My erection sits tightly against my stomach, immediately drawing his eye. He takes it in his hand, sliding up and down as he watches greedily and I watch anxiously. He bends down to me, then, his full, beautiful lips wrapping around me. He slides me into his mouth as I lift myself up instinctively to watch him as he takes me, as he wants me, as he leads me to another world made only for the two of us – somewhere we’ll never leave the other.
“I want you to fuck me.” His breath tickles my dick, still in his hand. “I want to feel you again.” He slides it back into his mouth as I grab at the sheet, hoping to be able to hold on to something. I watch as he moves slowly, his eyes giving away the flame ignited inside him. “Do you want to fuck me, Silas?”
I sit up hurriedly, grabbing his chin and bringing him to me. “Of course I want to fuck you.” He smiles onto my lips, and I bite down onto his. “I want you to sit on me.”
I hear him swallow nervously.
“I want to see you on top of me.” I leave his mouth and trail my tongue along the length of his jaw, arriving at his ear. “I want to squeeze your arse with my hands while I’m inside you.” I feel him tremble. “What about you, Leo? What do you want?”
I pull back to look at him, his lips parted, wet. His breathing is laboured.
“I want anything you want.”
“Are you sure?”
He nods, determined, before slipping off his underwear and sitting naked on my bed. He strokes my shoulders, moving down my arms and grabbing my hands, bringing them to his hips. “I’m all yours,” he says, his breath short, his voice rough, seeping into my skin.
I grab instinctively at him, my dick hardening between my legs, bringing his attention back down. He wants me: I can see it, feel it. And I’m not just talking about sex.
He wants us.
“I thought this day would never come. I thought I’d be waiting forever.”
“Waiting?” He takes my face in his hands and searches for my eyes with his. “Does that mean…?”
“I waited all these years. Just for you.”
He looks at me for a moment, our breathing so heavy I’m scared it’ll crush us both.
“I thought you hated me. I thought you’d hate me for the rest of my life.”
“And I thought you’d forgotten me.”
“Forgotten you?” He shakes his head. “That could never happen – but if I suddenly get amnesia or something…”
I laugh. “I’ll make sure I find a way to bring your memory back. I’ll make sure I find a way to remind us both. Every time you forget.”