“I don’t want to be without you.” I press my mouth against his, his hands leaving my face and heading down the length of my spine. “Please, don’t make me be without you.”
“I would never.” He squeezes my arse in his hands, silently asking me to lift myself up and sit on him. The tip of his dick pushes itself longingly between my butt cheeks.
“Do you want to fuck me, Silas?” I ask him, his hands aiding me in my movements on top of him, crushing my backside against his erection. “Please, tell me you want to fuck me.”
“I want to…” he pants into my ear. “Fuck, I really want to.” He slowly nibbles at my earlobe as I tremble onto him, shaken by the thought of feeling him again, of having him inside me.
“Tell me I’m the only one you want,” I ask him desperately. I need contact, his body on mine, his mind, his soul. I need Silas to tell me and show me that he wants me, in his bed and in his life – that he’ll never let us lose ourselves again.
“Tell me it’ll always be like this – because for me, nothing will ever change.”
He looks at me, his pupils dilated and his irises dark. I can tell that he can’t wait to have me in his arms again.
“The way I want you, that…” He sighs heavily, his warm breath on my neck as his lips snake down my skin, his hands slowly massaging my arse. “That’s something that’ll never change.” He looks at me again: his safety, his strength, his sweetness.
“We’re something that’ll never change.”
I kiss him again, his words igniting every cell in my body, every instinct. The smell of him overpowers all my senses, his hands making my body his.
“I need to grab something – I can’t wait to be inside you any longer.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll be right back.”
I nod and let him go, watching as he searches in the bedside table for what he needs before moving back to me. He pours a generous amount of lube into my hands before sitting back on the bed and looking at me.
“Come here.”
I sit on him again and his hands find their way back to my skin, sliding slowly and sensually around my opening. I collapse onto his neck, his fingers pressing their way inside me as I push my hips towards them, longing to feel him immediately.
“Like that.” He pushes his fingers and I groan something incomprehensible onto his skin. “Do you like feeling me like this?”
I nod into his neck, his fingers pushing as I hold my breath.
“Yes, like that,” he says as I move my hips to mimic the movement of his fingers. “God, yes…” he whispers, his voice rough with desire. I lift my head as he leans into me, seeking out my mouth with his. He kisses me, his breath seeping into my throat, giving me the air I need to stay conscious.
“I want to fuck you, I want it so badly…”
His fingers grant me a few seconds of peace and I feel him reach for the bottle, pulling away from me just for a moment to pour a little onto his hand.
“Do you want my dick?”
I nod, my heart hammering anxiously, painfully, ricocheting into every corner of my body. I feel the liquid drip onto me, his erection pressing against my opening.
“Fuck, yes,” I hear him groan as he starts to penetrate me. “Move on top of me. Do you want to?”
I obey, the sweet pain mixed with a desire to feel him: it’s a lethal combination, one of pure ecstasy.
I’ve never felt anything like this – this excitement, this desire, these emotions… Want, fear, anxiety, torment, shivers, electricity. My stomach churns, my heart wild; I feel as if I’m falling from the top floor of a skyscraper with no fear of hitting the ground below.
Silas makes me feel everything.
He makes me feel alive, happy, wanted, longed-for. He makes me feel as if I were indispensable to his survival.
His fingers squeeze my arse as he slides slowly into me. I let his hands guide me, dictating a hard and constant rhythm which tells me how much to take from him, how to do so.
I’m totally in his hands, exactly as I told him, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
I’m not made for any other man, or woman.
I’m not made for another person.
I’m made only for him.
“Is this okay?” he asks, his eyes looking for mine. “Is it too much? Is it…?”
“It’s perfect. This. You and me.”
“It is.” He kisses me, his fingers grappling at my flesh. “You are.” He moves his hips to meet my body, his dick sliding ceaselessly into me, stripping me of my breath, of any fleeting thoughts. “Do you feel how well I fit inside you? How… How…” He kisses me again, convulsively. His hands let go, sliding up my back to stop in my hair. “How it was made for your arse.”
A shiver trembles through me, making me close my eyes for a moment; his hands are on my back, losing strength, making me collapse onto him.
“Perfect, it’s so fucking perfect…” Silas moves quickly as I mirror his thrusts, my breath on his neck, my hands lost in his hair. He pulls me away then brings me to his face, his mouth hungry and unstoppable as he continues plunging himself into me until I feel him lose control, lose strength, let himself go inside me. He breathes onto my mouth for a few moments, as if he needed some extra air to get through this moment which has shocked and devastated him. Slowly, he lets me go, and we fall back onto the bed together, side by side.
He strokes me slowly, his eyes languid and small, scrutinising my own. He’s looking for doubt or regret – but he won’t find either.
“I’m exactly where I want to be with the person I want to be with,” I tell him, responding to his silent question. “I’m not going anywhere – mainly because you’ve ruined me.”
Silas smiles, somewhere between satisfaction and amusement.
“I liked it. Fuck, I really liked it.”
“Really?” All his fears are loaded into such a simple question.
“I like having sex with you.”
He bites his lip, nervous, and I stroke his face.
“It’s you I want to sleep with. It’s you I want to be with.”
“You want that?”
“If you… I mean, if that’s okay with you…”
He takes my face in his hands and pulls me close to him. “I’ve never wanted anything but this, since the day we met.”
“You wanted to get me into bed?”
He laughs. “Yes, but not just that.”
“What did you want?”
He kisses me slowly, sensually. His lips are soft and warm, imprinting their passion onto mine.
Silas kisses me as if his kiss could express all the words he’s held back over the years.
“You wanted me to be yours.”
He smiles, as if he felt guilty even for thinking it – but he shouldn’t. I always understood, still understand now, because I wanted nothing but him, either. It just took me a little longer to realise, to fight the battle against myself and win.
“I wish I could stay the night.”
Silas burrows into my arms. We’re in his bed, his fingers slowly tracing shapes across my chest.
“Stay as long as you like. We don’t have to rush things.”
I hold him closer, planting a kiss onto his temple. Silas smiles, feeling safe in my arms. I never imagined something like this, never hoped it could be remotely like this: something so intimate, so ours. I never thought I’d feel something like this.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Mmm?”
“You were miles away, there.”
“Nope, I’m right here.”
“Is there something you want to tell me? Is something worrying you?”
“I’m worried about the fact I’ll have to be apart from you for a while.”
He laughs, moving around in my arms and lifting himself up, his hands planted onto my chest, his chin resting on his hands as he looks into my eyes.
“You can come here whenever you want. Every night, if you want.”
“Don’t tempt me.”
“Well, you did say you like having sex with me…”
“Absolutely.”
The silence that follows makes me think that maybe I owe Silas an explanation; that maybe now is the time to face this out loud.
“It’s never been like this before.”
“What?”
“Sex. So pleasurable, physical, so… Complete. With anyone. It’s nothing to do with being with a man or a woman. Do you know what I mean?”
“I think so, Leo.”
I sigh and sit up. I want to be able to look at him while we talk about this. I want his attention, want to be sure he understands how I feel, that I have no doubts about us.
“It took me a while to realise… It took me a few sessions, actually.”
“Sessions?”
“A year and a half’s worth, to be honest.”
“With a doctor, or…?”
“Something like that.”
“Should I be worried?”
I smile at him. “No, you shouldn’t be. It was hard to understand what was happening, difficult to accept it all.”
“Now I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’m not bisexual, if that’s what you’re asking. And I’m not bi-curious, either, and this also isn’t a phase.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t think about these things so much. Maybe you should just follow your heart.”
“That’s what I’m doing now.” I take his hand and kiss his wrist under his soft gaze. “But I couldn’t do it at first – couldn’t help but ask questions, look for some kind of label. I wanted it, wanted to know who I was. It almost drove me crazy.”
“That can’t have been an easy time for you.”
I sigh. It wasn’t. It was painful, and I hurt the people around me, too.
“I wish I could’ve been there for you, helped you.”
“You were part of the problem.”
His expression tells me I’ve maybe been a little too direct.
“No, not like that, it’s just that… It all started with you. Until we started going out, spending so much time together, I thought I liked girls. Then I started to feel these things, but I was confused. There were a few girls.” I pause to gauge his reaction. “I thought it was just a phase, then, or something that…”
“Have you ever thought you could just like both men and women?”
“I did, yes, but then when I met Rachel I realised it was much more complicated than that. I wasn’t attracted to men or women…”
“You were attracted to people.”
I nod, glad he understands.
“Does it hurt you when I talk about her?”
“It’s fine. She’s part of your life.”
“With other girls… It wasn’t like this. I was never really interested. And with other guys… With men, it never happened. I’ve only ever felt like this with two people in my life, and you’re one of them.” I take his hands, squeezing them in mine. “But the way I feel about you… There’s no comparison. The way I feel for you is beyond anything else. And I’m sorry I pushed you away, making you think you were wrong. But I was wrong, not you – you could never be wrong.”
He smiles weakly.
“I was barely twenty years old, Silas, and my head and my heart were so confused. I thought I’d made the right choice. I was wrong.” I kiss both his hands, one by one, as if asking him for forgiveness for what I’ve done – for leaving him behind, believing I could forget what we had.
“I should’ve stayed, should’ve been brave enough to take a risk.”
Silas sighs, and his hands leave mine to frame my face.
“You’re here now, and we’re together. And we have all the time in the world to make up for it.”