I get home at sunrise, before Noel wakes up, as if we were sixteen years old and I was sneaking home before my parents could notice I hadn’t slept in my own bed.
I didn’t like leaving in the middle of the night, leaving him in that bed alone after sharing it with him – after being with him again. But I also didn’t want to stay and leave my brother to his thoughts, especially now that Niamh is back.
I would’ve liked to talk about it with Silas, to find out what his sister’s intentions are, whether she’s said anything about Noel, is going to try to see him, or talk to him. Whether she plans on staying in Letterfrack. I went over there to talk to him about it, seeing as we hadn’t had a chance yet, but he seemed to be waiting for me – it was as if he needed me, and all the words and questions just stayed stuck in my head. We need this, too: to talk, to discover each other, to learn how to be together, to love each other. I think we did that pretty well, right? And I’m not just talking about the sex – between me and Silas, it could never just be sex. I’m talking about us, what we are when we’re together, the way we can’t stay away from each other. I don’t want to do it anymore, and I don’t want to keep wondering who I should be loving.
There’s only one thing I want to be from now on.
I only want to be his.
I never thought that being with someone could give me so much energy and adrenaline, so many infinite emotions, shivers. I never thought a connection like that would be possible: to feel so close to someone that the thought of being away from them scares you.
Maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to be. Maybe we’re not so wrong for each other after all. Maybe we’re just destined to be with each other, with no one else. Maybe this type of connection, this lack of compromise and fear, can only be felt with one person. And he’s that person for me.
Why does it matter whether he’s a man or a woman? The only thing that matters is how you feel when you’re with them.
I understand so much, now. I understand why I always felt so out of place, never fully taken with other people. I wanted only him, waited for him. It could never have gone any other way, and I wouldn’t have wanted it to. I know that now. I wish I’d understood it back them, but how could I have? I was young and inexperienced, confused, scared by the way I felt – the way I couldn’t explain it. How could I have gone through all this self-discovery and rebirth here, in Letterfrack, with my family, my friends, and the people around me who never really understood?
I’d have hurt everyone. Him, myself.
I hurt them, anyway, though – there’s no doubt about that. I hurt the people I care most about and I can’t ever take that back. But I’m ready to do my best to make up for all the mistakes I’ve made.
I head back into the bakery after my round of deliveries, surprised to find my brother has company.
“Rachel…” He hugs me as I stand there, frozen. “You’re back.”
Her expression tells me that wasn’t the right thing to say.
“I mean… I didn’t expect you back so soon.”
My brother glares at me from over Rachel’s shoulder.
“I’m glad to see you, obviously…” I’m only making things worse. “But I can’t stay long. I have to go to Veldons, you know…”
“Already?” Noel asks, curious.
“Andy’s asked me to go over their invoices.”
“I thought you only did the accounts during their opening hours.”
“What is this, an interrogation?”
“No, no,” Rachel jumps in. “Noel was just…”
“The fact that I live here doesn’t give you the right to stick your nose into my business," I tell him, too harshly. But I feel like I’m on trial here, in front of Rachel. I don’t like it. “Now, if you’ll excuse me… I have a job to do.”
“Leo, don’t go, don’t…” Rachel says, trying to change my mind. But I’ve already slipped out of the door and outside. I’m only a few steps down the pavement when I hear her voice, am forced to stop. “Please, just wait!” Rachel says, reaching me. “He didn’t mean it.”
I shake my head, looking out towards the road.
“Why are you so annoyed?”
“I’m not annoyed. I just don’t like when people stick their nose in.”
“He’s your brother, not some random person.”
I shove my hands into my pockets. “Still.”
“Is it because I’m here?”
“What? No!” I turn to face her. “You have nothing to do with this.”
“It seems to me like you only get this agitated when I’m around. If you don’t want me to stay with you…”
“No, please stay. It’s good for Noel, having you around.”
“But it’s not good for you?”
I sigh. “Of course it is.”
“I need to talk to you.”
“I really need to get going.”
“I just need to tell you a few things, and…”
“Another time, okay? I really have to…” I back away slowly. “See you.” I turn and close the distance between us and my car, slipping inside and turning on the engine, before pulling away and leaving her on the pavement.
It’s definitely too early when I get to Veldons, but it seems like Andy’s already here. I can make the most of the time to actually look over their accounts, now, in the hope that it’ll help me take my mind away from how much of a dick I’ve just been to Noel and Rachel.
“What are you doing here so early?” Andy asks, setting up the outside tables.
“I thought I’d stop by a bit sooner.”
“Well, seeing as you’re here…”
“Sure.” I help him organise the outside area, opening umbrellas as he arranges chairs around the tables. We both sweep leaves and dust from the wooden surfaces and benches.
“I thought I’d come and have a look over the accounts, if that’s okay,” I say as he approaches.
“Sure. There’s not much else to do except set up the kitchen before Cloe gets here.”
“Good.”
“Can I know why you’ve suddenly decided to come in early for work?”
I shrug. “I’d have been here in about an hour’s time, anyway.”
“Did Noel not need your help?”
I shake my head, avoiding his gaze.
“Is something wrong at the bakery?”
“No, Andy, there’s nothing for you to worry about – you already worry so much about everything else.”
“Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Sorry,” I say immediately. Andy is the last person I should be taking my emotions out on. “I’m just stressed. I shouldn’t have snapped like that.”
“You’re working too much.”
“Work isn’t the problem.” I sigh exhaustedly. “It’s complicated.”
“If you need to talk, or need any advice…”
“What? You’d be willing to listen?”
“Me? I’m not an idiot. I was talking about him,” he says, nodding behind me. I turn to see Brian walking towards us. “He’s definitely more suitable.”
“Suitable? For what?”
When I turn back to Andy, all I see is his back as he wanders over to the pub entrance.
“What brings you here?” Brian asks as soon as he reaches me.
“I didn’t know where else to go,” I say honestly.
“So you chose this place?”
“Do you think I’m desperate?”
“I think you need that friend we were talking about a few days ago.”
I smile, in spite of everything. “I think maybe you’re right.”
In the back of the pub, sitting at the desk with a cup of coffee and a still-closed laptop in front of me, I let myself open up to Brian, who, right now, is offering me a sincere, friendly shoulder to lean on. I’m not usually one to talk about my problems – especially not when it comes to delicate subjects like this – but everything that’s happened recently is starting to really put my resilience to the test.
“I still haven’t actually met her yet,” Brian says, speaking of Niamh. “I think she’s been hiding out somewhere.”
“I haven’t seen her, either.” Apart from the evening she arrived, at Silas’ house.
“She hasn’t been in town for ages. I still don’t know why she’s back – Darcy said she’s here for Sloan, for when the twins are born.”
“So you think she’ll stick around?” I ask, anxiety expanding in my throat.
“Does that worry you?”
“Noel still isn’t well.”
“Mmm…”
“Them meeting would only make things worse. Some days he seems okay, seems to have a good grasp on his life, ready to start over… But others I just watch him stare out the window, his gaze empty. He feels so far away in those moments that I’m always afraid I’ll never be able to bring him back.”
“Maybe her presence isn’t such a bad thing. It might be the push he needs.”
“She abandoned him.”
“She had her reasons.”
“He had nothing to do with it.”
“We can’t know why Niamh chose to go. We can’t judge her for it.”
“I guess not, but he’s my brother and I just want to protect him.”
“Are you scared that her coming back might change things between you and Silas, too?”
I nod, avoiding his gaze.
“You know, I’m no expert – I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and sometimes, when I wake up at home with Darcy and Lyla, I wonder whether it’s all just a dream that someone will snatch from me, one day.”
I understand; I had the same sensation just a few hours ago when I opened my eyes and found Silas clutching to my body.
“The only thing I can tell you for certain is that what you have is real and strong. It’ll be able to survive anything.”
I don’t doubt that it’s real or strong – I have no doubt about my feelings or his. But I’m afraid that the past will always play an important role in our story – whether our past or others’ – and that it’ll force us to make choices which will inevitably hurt the ones we love.
After lunch, during a rare moment of quiet, Rachel shows up at Veldons.
“What are you doing here?” I ask her as soon as she sits at the bar.
“Is that how you usually welcome customers?” she retorts, calling Andy’s attention onto her, who’s standing beside me. “If you didn’t keep running away from me, I wouldn’t have to corner you like this.”
I glance over at Andy, whose ears are a little too pricked.
“I’m going to take a five-minute break, okay?”
He nods, and I leave my position, telling Rachel to follow me outside. Once we’re there, we sit on one of the free benches around a table.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not.”
“You’re not happy to see me here.”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Is it because of… Him?”
I leap to my feet. “What the hell…? No, it’s absolutely not what you’re thinking…”
“Hey,” she says, stroking my arm. I jump at her touch, as if she were a complete stranger. I don’t know why I’m reacting this way – she hasn’t done anything wrong, and definitely doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. But I can’t control it.
“You don’t even want me near you.”
I sink back down and scoff, my hands in my hair and my elbows resting on the wooden table.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. It’s just so weird to see you here.”
“In your life, you mean?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s a few too many ‘I don’t knows’, don’t you think?”
“What do you want from me, Rachel? Why are you here? And don’t tell me you’re here just to see how we’re getting on.”
“You’re right. There is something, but I wanted to see you, too. Honestly. I missed you both.”
That I can believe. We were together for years, and she and I were partners in crime. We were friends before anything, and maybe it’s for that exact reason that we stayed together for so long, even when things between us had finished long before.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so…” She looks into my eyes and hers change colour. “I’ve met someone.”
My mouth falls open in shock.
“It happened a few months ago. We’ve actually been going out for almost eight months.”
“Eight months?”
“I know, I should’ve told you last time you came to town, but you were so… So sad and worried and… Depressed.”
She’s right, I was.
“It didn’t feel like the right time.”
“But when…? How?”
“We met at an antiques market. You know how much I love all that old clutter. We were bidding for an old gramophone and I won, and… Well, I offered to buy him lunch because I felt guilty that I’d taken something important from him.”
I wish I could smile at her, too, but there’s a thread of sadness in the way she says the word ‘clutter’. I was the one who used to call it that: the stuff she brought home after one of her trips across the county. Her biggest passion was finding antiques – things that were ‘vintage’, as she always called them – and storing them in our garage. I never understood her passion, never supported it. I was a real dick about it. I was the wrong man for her. And sometimes I’m afraid I’d be the wrong man for anyone.
“I’m sorry,” I say suddenly, her sadness winding its way into my voice.
“Mmm?”
“It was your passion, and I was so insensitive and selfish about it.”
She doesn’t try to deny it, but lets my words drop between us, taking my certainty down with them.
I made you unhappy, Rachel – so much so that a lifetime would never be enough for me to make up for my mistakes. I wasn’t your person, was never able to understand you, to support you. I wasn’t able to love you. I’ll never forgive myself for the way I hurt you.
“There’s something else, too.” She studies my expression, then takes a deep breath before continuing. “We want to get married.”
“Oh…” I don’t know what to say. “So soon?”
“He proposed a few weeks ago.”
“I don’t know what…”
“We’re expecting a baby and he wants us all to be a family, for us to get married, and…”
“Wait a second,” I say, massaging my temples in a vain attempt to slow the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through my mind.
Rachel. A family. A family I’m not part of. A family she wanted with me that I denied her. I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t the right time, we still had time to wait. We were young.
They were all just excuses.
I was a coward. I was selfish.
A man who doesn’t deserve that title.
“I’m moving on, Leo. And maybe the time has come for you to do the same.”
“You knew,” I say to Noel as soon as I arrive at home that evening.
“Mmm?”
“You knew that Rachel was… You knew about the wedding. The baby.”
“She told me, yes.”
“So I’m the last to know?”
“She tried to talk to you, but you kept running off.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why would she want that? Why would she want to try again, to risk everything after… After us?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Our marriage was a disaster.”
Noel looks at me.
“Me,” I say, touching my chest. “I was a disaster.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“We weren’t happy. She wasn’t happy, and it was all my fault. Just because I wasn’t brave enough to accept that the way I felt for her wasn’t… It wasn’t… Comparable to what he…” I shake my head, overcome by emotion, by all my mistakes, my guilt. By the weight of my choices.
“I chose for everyone.” I take a deep breath, which doesn’t help. “I ruined everyone’s lives.”
“Leo…”
“I made everyone unhappy, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that, for as long as I live.”
“I had no idea you were suffering like this. Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”
“You’ve got enough going on yourself – I didn’t want to burden you.”
“I’m your brother, and I should’ve been there for you. I’m sorry. I should’ve…”
“No, don’t. Don’t blame yourself for anything – not for me.”
“I was a burden.”
“No.”
“I’m a burden to you.”
“Don’t, no you’re…”
“You should leave. Build your life back up, find happiness.”
“I could never – not knowing you’re here on your own, facing everything with no help.”
“I don’t want you to give up everything just to look after me.”
“I’m not leaving, Noel. And that isn’t something I’m going to discuss anymore.”
I pull my phone from the pocket of my jeans and watch his name flash up on the screen. I let myself fall back onto the bed, phone still in my hands, feeling as if I’m in the same situation again, making the same mistakes. It’s been ten years, and we’re still right back where everything broke so long ago. Now, just like then, I’m not brave enough or strong enough to avoid the fall.
I’m no better than I was ten years ago, and, by this point, I don’t think I ever will be.
I’m not the one for him. I’m not the man he needs by his side. I’m not the right man for him.
I’m wrong.
And I always will be.
I roll onto my side, phone still in hand, the banner on my lock screen telling me there’s another message. I lift myself up and swipe through it. His name, followed by just a few simple words, forces me up, out, leaving my room, running down the stairs and careening outside.
As soon as I open the door, Silas pushes away from his car. He doesn’t approach me, but guards his space from afar, at a safe distance.
There’s a river of history between us which seems miles wide, unpassable.
“What are you doing here?”
“You weren’t answering my calls.”
I don’t tell him why; I imagine he’s probably worked that out by now.
“It’s been ten years, maybe more, but it feels like it’s only been a second.”
His thoughts mirror my own, a reflection of the same feelings, emotions, even the same pain. It’s all like it used to be – or maybe I should say that everything has stayed the same, just like the two of us.
“I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I fell for it again.” He shakes his head, running a hand over his face.
“I can’t.”
“Same words, too.”
I absorb his accusations, his resentment.
I deserve it all.
“You’ll always be afraid.”
“Afraid? I’m not afraid.”
“That’s not what it seems like to me. But you know what, Leo? It’s nothing to do with me. You’re not my problem.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That you’re wrong. For me. You’re the wrong man. It doesn’t matter how much I want you, how much I hope it’ll work out. Things will never change. You’ll keep being wrong.”
“I just can’t do it.”
“Why not?”
Because I don’t know if I have a right to want you, Silas. I don’t know if I can ever be the man you want. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a real man.
I have no right to wish you were mine.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing, Leo. I don’t think I want to hear it. And, honestly, I don’t think I want any of this.”
“Me?” I ask, my heart stopping as I wait for his response.
“Us. I don’t want us anymore. Whatever we are. I don’t want it.”
“Then maybe you should stop showing up here,” I tell him, harsh and unmoved – at least on the outside. Inside I’m dying, the same agony that destroyed me once before, years ago, eating me alive. I try desperately to think of just one single thing that won’t kill me.
“That’s exactly what I intend to do.”
I go back inside, trying not to make a sound, after watching the love of my life get in his car and disappear into the night. But my brother is sitting at the kitchen counter.
“Were you eavesdropping?”
“You’re not angry at me.”
“Sorry.”
He gets down from the counter and comes towards me.
“You’re angry at yourself.”
I rub my face with my hand, exhausted by my own thoughts, the weight of my words, my own existence.
“Why did you send him away?”
“Did you really listen to the whole conversation?”
“You know I’m an insomniac.”
“It was private.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to butt in. I’m just worried about you.”
“Don’t be. I’m fine.”
“Leo…”
“I’ll be fine.”
“That’s not true, and you know it.”
“I’ve already gone through this once, and come out the other side.”
“But how did you come out the other side?”
Heartless, soulless and without him.
“I just did. That’s all that counts.”