The day after I’ve lost the love of my life for the second time, I can’t concentrate at work. I keep forgetting orders, spilling pints and apologising to customers, to Andy, to my colleagues.
I can’t help but think of Silas: of the things we said to each other, the way I’ve hurt him again, the life I’ll have to live without him. I’ve made the same mistake twice, and I don’t even deserve the briefest of nods from him – I don’t deserve his eyes on me, don’t deserve a chance to explain, to make him forgive me. I don’t even deserve for him to forget me, and all the things I was never able to say to him.
“Hey.” Andy nudges me as I stand stock-still behind the bar, staring into space. “Maybe you should go on your break now.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“I insist.”
“I don’t need a break, Andy.”
“Then what do you need?”
I look at him. The words are there, on the tip of my tongue, but I certainly can’t tell Andy that the one thing I need is the thing I’ve just lost forever.
“Five minutes,” I agree. There’s no point arguing with him – I don’t have the energy.
“Go and get some fresh air. It’ll do you good.”
I nod, leaving my position behind the bar with my head bowed as I step out of the pub. It’s a beautiful, sunny day, warm and teeming with possibility: the kind of day that he loves. Who knows whether he’s out on a tour, horse riding through the fields. Maybe he’s hiding out in the stables to avoid the world. Maybe he’s suffering, thinking of me. Maybe one day he’ll be able to forgive me for all the pain I’ve caused him.
“Come and sit with me a while, kid.”
Sullivan’s voice brings me back down to earth. He gestures towards a space on the bench next to him, and I accept.
“I’m going to sit out here, today. It’s sunny, and it’d be a shame to sit indoors. It’s not like we get many days like this – we have to make the most of them.”
I smile politely.
“You should make the most of it, too.”
“I’m working.”
“You should take a break.”
“That’s exactly what I’m doing.”
“And you’re wasting your time with me?”
“What else should I be doing?”
“I don’t know, maybe popping up to the Kylemores and seeing whether a certain someone wants to take his break with you.”
I heave a bitter sigh.
“Got it.”
I shake my head. I can’t talk about this. It’s too fresh, the wound still bleeding; I’m afraid it’ll never heal.
“It takes a lot of strength and a lot of love to really know another person’s soul.”
I don’t really want to listen to Sullivan right now, but I don’t even have the strength to ask him to keep quiet, or to get up and go back inside. I’m lost, I’m alone, and I’m tired.
I’m tired of running. Tired of not knowing how to love.
“They’re never as they seem. You always have to dig deep, push through. It’s always worth it.”
“I’m scared I’ll never be able to work out what’s worth the effort and what isn’t.”
“I get that. It’s not always clear, and sometimes giving up is easier than trying.”
I look at Sullivan, whose expression is sad, nostalgic.
“My Julia and I, we wanted loads of kids.”
Sullivan’s wife passed away years ago.
“But, you know, sometimes that’s just the way things go – no matter how much you want something. Sometimes that thing just never happens.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugs, his lips turned into a sad smile.
“She wanted to try adopting, but I wasn’t sure. I was afraid that even that wouldn’t work – that they’d give us a baby then take it away, or that we’d raise a kid that would never see us as their real parents. It seems so silly now.”
I rest my hand on his forearm. “It’s not silly at all.”
“And I always said to her ‘let’s just wait a while, think about it…’” He shakes his head, pulling a tissue from his pocket and dabs at his damp eyes. “Then my Julia got sick, and we had no more time.”
“I’m really sorry.”
He nods slowly. “Maybe it would’ve been more painful for her to leave me and a child, but I can’t help but think about the fact that she left without ever knowing the joy of being a mother.”
I try to swallow down the knot forming in my throat.
“All of this is just to say, my boy, that you can never know how much time you have left, and that time could run out in an instant. If that happens, there’s nothing you can do to get it back.”
I’ve reflected a lot on Sullivan’s words. His sadness, his regret, the pain in his eyes, his voice… I never want to feel regret like that. I already have so many regrets to come to terms with. I can’t leave things as they are – I can’t let him slip away again, without trying one last time. So when Andy tells me to head home, I decide to jump in the car in the direction of the hotel. I pull into the front car park and follow the path which leads to his favourite place, once mine, too. I find him there, sitting on the same bench where, one day, a young boy who didn’t know how to tell his best friend that he loved him scratched their initials in a heart onto the wood.
He senses my presence immediately; I can tell by the way his shoulders stiffen.
“Why are you here?”
“I need to understand.”
“Understand what?”
“I want to understand why I’m wrong for you.”
Silas gets up and studies me.
“I’ve always known I am, but I want to know why I’m wrong for you.”
“Did you come here just to set your conscience straight?”
“I came because… Because… I need to hear it from you, otherwise I’ll never be able to make peace with it.”
I can see that he’s hurt, that my words have confused him – but we both know that I’m not the stronger of the two of us.
“I want a man by my side. For life. I want to wake up every morning in his arms, I want to go to work and let him come and pick me up. I want to take him out for lunch with my dad, or kiss him in the street, just because. I want to spend Christmas with him and my family. I want a family. Mine. I want a… A husband. Kids.”
I don’t know what to say. I’m floored, shocked. I feel an unbearable need to run away from him, from his words – but I also know I need to hear every last breath from him. Because only then will I be sure that I’m not what he wants.
“I didn’t build that house for me. I never imagined living there alone, tossing and turning in bed every night, spending my days listening to the walls. I want someone who can share that life with me, someone who wants me in every day of his life. Someone who’s only mine, who has no doubt about his place in the world – his place with me.”
“I d-don’t…”
“I want everything, Leo. I don’t want to give anything up.”
“I’ve already been down that road.”
“I know.”
“And it was a disaster.”
“I’m talking about us, now, Leo. A future together.”
“I’ve already ruined everything once before. I ruined someone’s life.”
Silas isn’t expecting me to say that it’ll be different this time. I can see by the way he’s staring at me.
“I can’t do it. I’m not cut out for that life. I could never…”
“Not even with me?”
I wish I could tell him that it would be different; that I have the courage and the strength to try again, to work at it, to be better than what I am and what I’ve been. He wants me to want to give him that dream – but we both know I can’t, that I’d do nothing but ruin yet another person’s life.
I can’t do that to him.
I can’t do it, Silas. Not like this.
“I want all the things I’ve just said, and I want you, but I’m not going to give up on my dreams anymore. And if you don’t want the same things, then…”
I don’t hear his last few words. I don’t see his eyes, laden with disappointment. I don’t stay for the final scene of this story we should never have written.
I’m already long gone. I’m running. Running away.
From him.
From myself.
From everything we’ll never have.
Silas’ words are like a slap to the face. I hadn’t realised just how different we are; I hadn’t realised how wrong we are for each other.
How could he really hope that I’d put myself through it again, after the failure of my marriage, my whole life? How could he think that I’d ever be able to be a husband, a partner, a… Father? How could he think that I deserve to be by his side?
“Hey.” Rachel steps over to me as soon as I’m through the door. “What’s happened?”
Her hands rest lightly on my face.
“I’m sorry.”
“Mmm?”
“For what I did, for the way I was… For… For not being able to love you.”
Her eyes fill with tears.
“I was so sure, when I asked you to marry me. I was so sure I loved you.”
She smiles sadly at me. “I know.”
“And I was so sure I wanted you in my life, sure I…” Her warm, sweet hands stroke my cheek.
“We both made mistakes. I should have realised, should have… Let you go.”
The first tear trails down my cheek, and Rachel dries it tenderly.
“I loved you so much.”
“I loved you, too.”
“We just weren’t right for each other.”
“No, we weren’t.”
“I know that now. I wish I’d understood it sooner, but…” Rachel shrugs. “That was the way it had to go. I needed to meet the right person at the right time.”
“And now you have? Have you met your person?”
Rachel nods, her tears no longer tears of sadness.
“I’m really happy for you. I’m sorry I didn’t say that sooner…”
“It’s okay.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“I want you to be happy, too.”
“Do you think… Do you think that’s possible?”
“I think you gave your heart to someone years ago and never wanted it back.”
“I don’t know if he… I said some things, and he said some things, and… I’m scared I’m still the wrong man, Rachel. I’m scared I’ll always feel like that.”
“You need to move on, Leo. Forget everything that’s happened, learn from your mistakes, and try to do better.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You have to believe in yourself, in the way you feel. If you don’t believe it, then he never will, either.”