She was silent as they moved through the rest of the aquatic exhibits. Nikolai hardly seemed to notice that she rarely commented as they viewed the fish. Except when the group was once again outside he turned to her with a concerned look on his face. “Are okay?”
She nodded.
“Is wish talk?” he asked, still looking concerned. “Is something bothers you?”
Didn’t he remember telling her that his conversation with Tatiana was private? Didn’t he think that exclusion would bother her? She didn’t need to know every word they’d exchanged. She just needed to know if their conversation affected her or not. Surely, that wasn’t too much to ask. She waited for him to remember, but he just appeared more puzzled by her silence. She finally shook her head.
“Is sure?”
The only thing she was sure of was that she wouldn’t remain calm through a discussion right now. The rest of the group was headed off toward the long rows of flowers. She pulled out of his loose embrace.
“Brandi, is time go.”
“I’m”—she searched her brain for an excuse to be alone with her misery—“hungry. There’s a hot dog vender over there. I think I’ll get one. Go on, I’ll catch up.”
He frowned at her and folded his arms across his chest. “Niet, I wait.”
“Go on, Nikolai. It’ll just take me a minute.”
“Should have eat breakfast.”
“I wasn’t hungry then.” She wasn’t hungry now. If she bought a hot dog, she’d want to rip off half of it and ditch in the nearest trash basket. She just didn’t want to be with him while her emotions were so tangled.
Nikolai reached out for her sunglasses. She backed up another step, turning as if she hadn’t seen what he was about to do.
“Is problem?” asked Alexei, looking back and forth between them.
“Niet,” answered Nikolai.
“I’m just going to get something to eat. I skipped breakfast.” Brandi turned and loped off toward the stand and the sickening smell of roasted meat.
*~*~*
Nikolai watched her walk away from him wondering if he should have insisted they stay home. Her excessive sleep yesterday and her watery eyes—At least he thought her eyes were watering. Inside he thought he saw her wipe them a few times. But now back outside, seeing through the dark lenses of her sunglasses he couldn’t be sure—but her symptoms made him think she might be coming down with a cold or flu.
He just wanted to confirm his suspicions by removing her glasses and seeing her eyes in the daylight, but she darted away from his hands.
“Is she pregnant?” asked Alexei. “This how Vera acted at first.”
Nikolai considered a moment. Could symptoms of pregnancy start in a day? Probably not. Beside they had used more barricades then the Kremlin used during attack. “Niet.”
“So sure?” asked Alexei with a suspicious look.
“She is my wife.” He lapsed into Russian. “It is possible, but pregnancy isn’t likely.” For a brief second he wished she were pregnant. It would make some things simpler, and other things infinitely more complicated, but a baby would need a father and give another longer reason to hold their marriage together.
“Do you have many fights?”
“Niet.”
Alexei shook his head as if he didn’t believe him. “Fire and ice bad mix?”
Confusing mix, thought Nikolai. He watched his wife hand the vender money and then take the paper wrapped item. Fatal mix if the fire was only built on ice. If the marriage was based only on their skating, it was bound to fail.
Brandi turned toward them. While walking back, she brought her thumb up to her lips. Nikolai lost himself in the idea of her doing what she did to her thumb to him, his fingers, his lips, his—
“I see is still much fire,” commented Alexei.
On his side anyway. He hadn’t missed her dismayed look this morning when she misinterpreted his suggestion that she go back to bed. He had meant to fight off whatever bug was dragging her down, she should spend the morning resting instead of running around the park with his friends.
Nikolai thought about the blue box in the bathroom. He knew her body rhythms. The count of three meant one per week until she would start on the pill. He frowned wondering if there was a message in her only buying the one box. Hard to know with Brandi. She didn’t always plan things out. On the other hand it could be her way of reminding him that he could expect no more than three years.
“What are you talking about?” asked Brandi as she joined them. She took a bite of her hot dog and looked at it with a sour expression.
“Is bad, no eat.”
“No, there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“We talk about fire and ice,” said Alexei.
“I hope everyone isn’t waiting on us.”
“No they go ahead,” answered Alexei.
“What about fire and ice? Like an abstract conversation about which way the world will end?”
“Niet,” Nikolai said futilely. He wanted the conversation to end not the world.
Apparently some of the others had hung back waiting on either them or Alexei.
“I think Nikolai want to kill something when you insist ‘ice dancing only’ at restaurant in Lake Placid. I had been teasing him about what he want more with you. Fire or ice. I guess he convince you to want both.”
“Niet,” said Nikolai. He didn’t want to talk about what he wanted and how many promises he had broken. He wouldn’t make them any more. He wouldn’t promise to keep his hands off of her again, not so long as she showed the least willingness to let him have her. He’d meant it every time, but she was too far under his skin to resist. He’d want her and love for the rest of time.
Brandi cast a suspicious glance up at him.
He debated about issuing a warning to Alexei in Russian, but he didn’t know how much Brandi understood. He hadn’t even known she was learning it.
It was too late anyway as they rejoined their group and Alexei said, “Then I hear that to become citizen much easier when married to an American. Marriage is so fast.”
“Niet, Alexei,” protested Nikolai.
“Yeah, it takes only three years instead of five,” supplied Brandi.
“Is how he convince you to mix fire and ice?” asked Alexei. He pushed playfully at Nikolai’s shoulder.
“Of course. There’s no other way he’d become a US citizen in time for the next Olympics. And we aren’t going to be able to stay eligible forever. We couldn’t wait seven years for next chance to compete in one.”
Nikolai stopped walking, stunned that she would admit the whole basis for their marriage was getting his citizenship. He didn’t even care that her careless statement might have jeopardized his chances of ever getting his citizenship. He didn’t care that she had just shamed him in front of his friends, who if they didn’t understand the conversation would soon have it translated for them. He cared that she still thought the only reason for their marriage was to get his citizenship.
He could hardly stand to look at his friends whose horrified expressions spoke volumes. Vera moved away from the group. Nikolai knew she’d understood. She spoke English better than he did.
Brandi must have realized she made a major mistake. How could she not realize when all the English-speaking contingent of the group fell silent. And the others were passing speculative whispers between them. “It’s not like it matters why we got married, just so long as we’re still married in three years.”
“And living as husband and wife,” said Vera softly.
“Well we are doing that,” answered Brandi.
Vera pulled on Brandi’s arm and whispered to her.
Nikolai was paralyzed. He didn’t know if he should yell at her or pretend the statement was of no consequence. Underneath it all burned a dread that achieving his citizenship was still the only reason she had for their marriage. He ran his hand up his arm and discovered he had no sleeves to push up.
Brandi sought out his eyes. He could see her mortification at the impact her statement had made. A wash of tenderness swept over him. He didn’t care why she had said it. On one level he was dismayed by the larger repercussions both personally and professionally, but the lying had always bothered her.
He turned to Alexei and spoke in Russian, “Perhaps you were right my friend.”
“About a possible pregnancy or that you had a fight?”
Nikolai shrugged. Let them think what they would. He needed to find out what was going on with his wife and how to stop her from blurting out more details of their marriage plans. “We need a time alone.”
He stretched out his hand and prayed she would take it and not shame him further in front of his friends. “Brandi.”
She did better than that. She hurtled herself against his chest and whispered, “I’m sorry,” against his neck.
Surprised by the full assault on his senses. Her gentle sweet scent, the press of her breast against his chest, her warm breath against his neck, her hair feather soft against his chin all stunned him into inaction. He stood still for a moment, before belatedly wrapping his arms around her and cradling her to him.
“Are they watching us?” whispered Brandi, stretching up on her toes to put her mouth by his ear.
Nikolai couldn’t think of anything but her. He reluctantly forced his attention to his friends. They were moving down the path and he could hear Alexei making a joke about newlyweds and their arguments. Vera teased Alexei that he had no idea how difficult marriage could be, since he’d never done it himself.
“They go ahead.”
She leaned away from him, and he let his hands slide to her sides.
“What did you say to Alexei?”
“You no understand?” She must not comprehend the Russian word for pregnancy yet.
She shook her head, tight-lipped. She tried to back further away.
He refused to let her go so easily. He hoped she understood that he would always try to hold her. No more keeping his hands to himself. No more letting her dictate the physical terms of their marriage. He wouldn’t ever force her, but he would touch her, hold her. He didn’t want her to pull away now. “Niet.”
Her lip trembled. “Why won’t you tell me?”
He stared at her, not understanding the emotion in her words, and nearly frantic as a tear dripped down from under her sunglasses and she swiped at it. He needed to fix whatever was wrong. His heart thumped with a feeling of helplessness that angered him and bewildered him.
“Not pull away, Brandoosha. Niet cry.”
“I don’t understand.”
She wasn’t the only one.
“If you didn’t understand something that was said, I’d try and explain it to you.”
She was upset because he hadn’t told her what he and Alexei had said? That couldn’t be all of the problem, she had been upset before that. “He ask what wrong? I do not know. I say need be alone.”
They weren’t alone now. People were walking past them and giving them odd looks.
“That’s all?”
No, not all, but he didn’t want to tell her that he had claimed at least the honors of possible parenthood. Although why it should embarrass her since they were married he wasn’t sure. He was sure he didn’t want to do more damage. “Come, we find private place to sit.”
She bent down and scooped up something from the ground. “I need to find a trash can.”
He saw it was her half-eaten hot dog. Now that was something he could fix.
“I’m sorry. I’m ruining this whole day. I don’t know why I said that in front of your friends. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just got to thinking that there was no reason that we couldn’t say that your citizenship was a reason we got married in the first place. I mean the immigration department will probably ask us why we got married after only knowing each other a month or so.
He steered her in the direction of the street vender. “Know a year. Bucharest.”
“We can’t really say we knew each other there.”
“Da, talk there. You say, yes, yes, yes, think positive. I have to ask Vera what mean.”
She stopped walking. “Nikolai, nobody is going to believe that you wanted to marry me because I told you to think positive.”
“Is no only why.” It didn’t occur to him that she wouldn’t understand that he was attracted to her then.
“You were thinking of splitting with Tatiana back then?”
“Da.” That had been the last chance in his mind.
“And you were thinking about me as a possible partner?”
Nikolai wasn’t sure this was the conversation they needed to have, but he could see the hot dog vender now and steered them toward the man and his cart. The idea of her becoming his partner hadn’t really formed there, but the seed had been planted. “I see you better skater than Kevin.”
She looked around. “Where are we going?”
“I get you new dog.”
“What?”
“You drop. I get you new.”
She stopped. “No, I don’t need one.”
Why wouldn’t she let him fix this for her? “You hungry.”
“I’m okay now.”
He looked at the remains of her meal in her hands. She’d only taken a couple of bites. If there was a slim chance she was pregnant, she needed to eat. “Is bad?”
“No, it was really good. I’m just not hungry any more.”
He crossed his arms. “I get you.”
“There’s a trash can,” she said moving toward a barrel near the sidewalk.
Nikolai moved to the vender’s cart. He had to wait while a man in front of him ordered.
Brandi tugged on his arm. “I don’t need another one.”
He stepped up to order. He said to the man in his white apron, “Want dog, and is drinks?”
The vender answered with a list of drinks, but she whispered, “Nikolai,” in a protest as the man was reciting the list.
Nikolai only caught the man’s final question, “How ya want that hot dog fixed?”
Nikolai turned to her. “How want?”
She rolled her eyes and told the vender, “Mustard and relish.”
“Is have purple pop?”
“No, two Cokes,” said Brandi.
Nikolai pulled out his wallet to pay, and she inched away from him. Was she that embarrassed about his failure to master the English language? He knew enough to order food. And most people were patient with him if it took more than one try. “Is place sit by tree,” he said nodding to a shaded grassy spot near a small body of water.
She took her hot dog and moved off before he had finished paying.
He followed her with the cold cans of pop.
She stood under the tree looking across the water.
“Sit.”
“Maybe, I should go home. Alexei or someone could drop you off. I’m just ruining this outing.”
He made a concentrated effort to speak entirely in English. “No, please sit down.”
She paced.
“I don’t know why I blurted that out like that. I mean I guess I wanted them to be able to figure it out when we get a divorce.”
She turned to face him. Only her dark lenses greeted his search for her expression. He wanted to remove her sunglasses.
He turned away and moved to sit leaning against the trunk of the tree, facing the water. “Must not tell plan for to divorce,” he said finally.
If she blurted that out to someone than there would be no point in going on. Unless her plan was to make the marriage pointless. “Want Olympics, d—yes?”
“Yes,” her voice was barely audible.
He patted the ground beside him. She knelt beside him, her hot dog in her hand untouched. He opened one of the Coke cans and set it between them, opened the other and took a drink.
“Is important show marriage real then. I be with you. You home, stay.”
He heard her sniff and turned to look at her. He reached up to pull off her sunglasses. Her eyes were red-rimmed. She closed them.
“Are we going to skate in the Olympics?” She took a deep breath, opened her eyes and stared at him.
“Da, is plan.”
“You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?”
An evasion wasn’t a lie, was it? But he didn’t understand what she was getting at. He had always planned to skate in the Olympics. Most of his life success on the ice had been his only goal. Now he wanted fire, too, but the Olympics and Worlds were still extremely important. “Niet. Eat.”
She took a bite and a hasty swallow of her pop. “It’s all so confusing, isn’t it?”
What was she talking about now? He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her nearer. It confused him that she still wanted it clear that their marriage would end when their goal was achieved. He didn’t want to think about it. “What?”
“Our marriage of convenience.”
When had it ever been anything but inconvenient? “Is not convenience now.”
She put her head on his shoulder. If they could just stay like this forever.
“Alexei told me that you always planned to marry after you were done competing.”
“Da.” That had been his plan. “You have plans for future before marry me?”
She shook her head. “I never really thought much about my future beyond skating. I figured it would just take care of itself. You know that sooner or later I’d be living like my parents.”
He smiled. Did she ever think ahead? A thought wiped away his amusement. Yes, she thought ahead to their eventual divorce. And a marriage to him would not be like her parents’ marriage. Not with his home in Russia. Not with his mother living half a world away.
“I guess our marriage doesn’t really change your plans any then, does it?”
“Niet!” It changed everything. He clutched her shoulder tighter. Niet, niet, he did not want to contemplate another marriage. He wanted her as his wife. Even if they weren’t skating together, he wanted her to stay his wife. All this talk of pregnancy had him wanting to fill her with his child, to make them forever tied by family bonds.
She set her can down on the grass in front of her, and turned slightly toward him. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t want to get hurt.”
Pain seared through him. If she had no plans for her future, why was she so opposed to having one with him? “Is too late.”
She tilted her head back and blinked. “I know, and I want you to know that I will always hope you are happy.”
He would always be unhappy without her, but at the same time he thought of her impatience with him at the hot dog stand, and all the other times she had been embarrassed by his foreignness, his stumbling with her language, his choice of an apartment. Just living alone seemed luxurious by Moscow standards. But she was not Russian, not even close. “I would you be happy, also. I would wish not talk of end of marriage.”
He didn’t even want to think about it. He would hurt her then he knew, because when it came time, he would let her know that he didn’t want to end the marriage. He still had three years to convince her to change her mind. He took her free hand and placed it on top of his. He twisted the simple gold band on her ring finger. Maybe if he bought her an engagement ring she would understand.
She might understand if he told her that he loved her, but if she pitied him, instead of returning the emotion, three years could seem an eternity.
“Eat,” he said softly.
She nodded, and slowly worked her way through the hot dog. She seemed dismayed when she tilted her pop can up after the last bite and she quickly lowered it, and shook it as if that would make more magically appear. He handed her his.
“He didn’t have grape,” she said, handing it back to him apologetically.
“I not hear what he say. You talk when he talk. I drink Coke, okay.”
“Well, yeah. I haven’t seen you drool or slobber or anything yet.”
He stared at her wondering what she was talking about now.
She gave him a tenuous smile. “I’m just teasing you. You can drink without spilling, da?”
“Da, I have many skills, my wife, but must practice.” He leaned her back and followed finding her lips with his. He laced her fingers of her left hand with his right and squeezed. He rained gentle kisses across her lips, over her cheeks, across her brow, and over salty tasting eyelids. He drew back and kissed the end of her cute little nose.
He drew back and waited until she opened her eyes. She looked at him with that soft glow that made him go hard on the outside and melted him on the inside. He touched his lips to her and kissed her more urgently. He shifted wanting to put his entire body over hers, wanting to feel her underneath him. Wanting to be home in bed with her. He moved to whisper in her ear that he wanted to take her home, but the words that came out were different.
She pulled back and looked at him. “What are you saying to me?”
He realized he’d spoken in Russian.
“I wish I understood you better.”
He was glad she didn’t. He’d just told himself there was no point in telling her he loved her if she didn’t understand the words in Russian. He leaned down and kissed the bare skin of her shoulder. “I say, I wish go home.”
He realized he’d just lied to her again.
She put her hands on either side of his face and positioned him where she could see. “Your eyes get so dark, Nikolai.”
Better than his nose growing long. She strained up and kissed that appendage, and then made a face, turned her head and coughed.
“There you guys are,” said Vera.
Alexei stood behind her. “We go to Casino to eat. Will you go with us?”
Nikolai pulled his coughing wife to a sitting position.
“Sorry, you tasted like sunscreen. Sure, Alexei, we’ll go. Is it really a casino?”
Vera reached down and grabbed Brandi’s hand, before Nikolai could protest. “The brochure says it used to be.” Vera handed Brandi a slick paper folded in thirds. “Can’t let him get off the hook this easy,” she said with a conspiratorial wink at his wife.
He wanted to protest. He hadn’t done anything wrong, she had. And he was being punished for it. And there was no way he could get up and go anywhere for a while anyway.
Alexei sat down beside where he lay in the grass and sighed. “Women, but I think Vera is having a good time.”
Nikolai sure as hell hoped so, because there was no way he would after having declared his love for Brandi and getting no reaction. Of course she didn’t know that he had declared his love for her, and he had lied to her rather than risk the word in a language she understood.
“How long you watch?”
“Long enough for the rest to go ahead, but Vera insisted we had to tell you where we are going.”
“Why does she think I did something wrong?”
Alexei shrugged. “Who knows how a woman’s mind works?”
Well up until now, Nikolai didn’t think he had that bad of an understanding. But maybe he didn’t understand Brandi because she was an American woman.
“Maybe it’s just that Vera’s jealous because her husband is so far away,” said Alexei leaning back in the grass and putting his hands behind his head.
“Maybe I jealous of Vera.”
“Don’t even think about it,” warned Alexei. “You already let her get confused about why you marry her. Baby would make her wonder why you are with her even more.”
If it was so obvious to his friend, why did Brandi miss it? Of course Alexei and Vera had known him since he was a child.
*~*~*
“I think I ate too many hot dogs,” Brandi said, flopping down on the couch. “My boss was ticked off too.”
“What this mean?” asked Nikolai, concerned about his wife.
She looked pale with bright spots of color on her cheeks. Maybe she had too much sun earlier. She’d made him slather that sticky goo all over his exposed skin again before they’d gone off to join the others for lunch, but she ducked away from applying it to her own skin or letting him do it.
“He was mad. I was late again. Ticked off means mad. I made a stupid mistake ringing someone up, too.” She coughed and rubbed her forehead.
“Brandi, are okay?”
“I feel a little queasy. I think it’s just that I shouldn’t have had two hot dogs. I was just hungry.”
More like one and two bites. But at least she had enjoyed the rest of the outing. She and Vera had sat side-by-side and giggled over something, before they had to leave so she could go to work. “Should have eaten breakfast. Would like a cup of tea?”
She dropped her hand and looked at him with glassy eyes. She was sick. He walked over across the room and put his hand against her forehead.
“I’m not sick,” she protested, ducking away from his hand.
“Just hot?” he said, scooping her up in his arms. She wasn’t so hot he was worried, but she was hot enough he was sure she was ill.
“I never get sick.”
“Da, is just much sun,” he said, carrying her to the bedroom.
“Why do I get the feeling you are just humoring me?”
“I no tell joke. English too bad.”
She looked at him sharply as he pulled back the new bedspread and set her down. “I think you know what I mean.”
“I think you look good in bed,” he said, pulling off her shoes. He turned around and pulled a tee shirt for her out of their shared dresser. He returned and asked her if she wanted help undressing.
“Of course not. What are you doing? I can’t go to bed now. It’s only seven o’clock.”
“Are sleepy, da?”
“A little,” she said reluctantly.
“I like undress you.”
She looked at him, a hint of heat in her glazed brown eyes.
“Would like?” he asked teasingly.
She stood up. “This is silly. We should find an open session and skate this evening.”
“No. Work English. I read to you from book. Put on sleep clothes. I fix tea, get book.”
He brought back not only two cups of hot tea, but a plate with toast balanced on top of one of the cups. He had a worn paperback book tucked under his arm. He arranged everything on the nightstand, putting the alarm clock on the floor to make room. He kicked off his shoes and climbed onto the bed, sitting and leaning back against the wall beside her. He gave her both the pillows and settled her beside him. He rested his hand on her side, and opened the book.
“You really think I’m sick, don’t you?” she said.
“I wish spend lazy evening in bed with my wife,” he stroked his hand over her hip. “You to be cozy, or I go get cognac.”
“I’m going to take a mega dose of vitamin C,” she said kicking back the covers.
“Lay down. I get.”
She rolled her eyes. “You know, you’re getting awful bossy.”
“Da, I must like be slave. I tell you stay, so I take care of you.”
“I’m not sick,” she said.
“Too hard head to be sick,” he muttered.
“I heard that.”
“I not want you hear, I say Russian.”
“Well, that won’t work forever. I’m learning. You might as well get me the zinc too. If I am getting a cold, I’ll just kick it by sucking on one of those.”
She was cranky when she was sick, but Nikolai smiled as he found the stash of vitamins in the kitchen cabinet. Like most athletes she was well stocked. He brought back several of the brown bottles. She had her eyes closed and a hand pressed against her forehead.
“We can’t afford to miss any practices. I can’t believe I could get sick in the middle of summer,” she said.
“Are sick now?” he asked, shaking a vitamin C tablet into his hand.
“Not if I can help it. Give me three of those, please.”
“Would like to be alone?” he asked, stroking her hair as she swallowed a sip of her tea to wash down the tablets.
“No, go ahead and read.”
He settled back beside her, opened the book and began.
“I can’t believe you picked Tolstoy to read in English,” she interrupted.
“He is great writer,” Nikolai shifted uncomfortably.
“Da. Haven’t you read the original in Russian?”
“To know story help understand English.”
“Read on. This ought to be interesting. But the next book has to be by an American author.”
“You have plan to be sick much?” he asked lightly. She stilled under his hand.
“I never plan on being sick,” she answered stiffly. “I’m not usually prone to colds and the flu.”
“I not upset you sick, Brandoosha,” he said. Did she think he was blaming her? “I no like work so much we not have time to be together.” He didn’t like the way she ran herself ragged with always being on the go.
“We’re together all the time. We skate. We spent all this morning together.”
“Alone,” he said, before she went much further. He held his breath waiting to see how she would respond. She didn’t. He let out his breath and began the book again.
She was quiet beside him, only reading words he pointed to and asked her how to pronounce. He didn’t know if she was quiet because of her illness, or because she was unsure how to respond to his desire to spend more time alone with her. He had three years to convince her that this marriage could work. He was content to do it in small doses. Until she learned Russian words of love he could move slowly, make her learn to love him. He started wondering if he erred in picking a Russian novel to read. He should have asked the clerk in the dusty used bookstore to point him to an American novel.
He stroked his hand over his sleeping wife’s back. Would he ever be American enough to please his wife? He closed his eyes, knocking his head against the wall.