on the top of her car. The car Declan had made for Jenny Alive, the Jenny who had been warm and soft and full of life. She pressed her forehead against the cold metal. Only it wasn’t cold, not to her. She was already cold.
“Fuck!” she screamed into the metal. Her breath didn’t even fog it up. She realized she was crying again. How could she be crying? She’d never seen the others so much as tear up. She didn’t even know if they could.
Beacon’s words rang in her head: What are you?
A monster. A killer. Something new and evil and wrong.
A cure.
“Dammit,” she said, pushing away from the car. She kicked it, leaving a dent in the side. Everyone kept saying she was the cure. No one knew how or why, but it was like a mantra that scraped down her bones like fingernails on a chalkboard. And now she was saying it to herself. She screamed into the air.
She turned at the smell of blood, and stepped back when she saw Declan coming toward her, striding on long legs, his hands in his pockets. Jenny’s chest hurt but it wasn’t from the bullet. It was the same ache she felt every time she looked at him.
“Declan, go away.”
“No,” he said, stepping in front of her.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she said, looking past him, toward the museum. “I’m so hungry, Deck. I’ve never been this hungry.”
“Remember when we met?”
“No,” she lied.
“You were hungry then, too,” he said.
“Stop it.”
“All I had was a bag of stale crackers.”
He was standing motionless in front of her, his hands still in his pockets, as if afraid of what would happen if he took them out. Jenny could feel his eyes on her. She expected the red to come again, but it didn’t. Just the vague ache of hunger.
“I don’t want to talk about this, Declan,” she said. “It hurts.”
“Why?” When she didn’t answer, he continued. “You ate all those crackers and I let you. I was hungry too, but I gave every last crumb to you. I never gave anything to anyone back then, but I gave you everything I had. You were like a wild thing with those damn crackers.” He laughed, but it was full of sadness. “And then you looked at me with those big eyes and you smiled at me. You said thank you. I could never explain it, what happened then.”
Jenny turned away from him.
“I can’t,” she said. “I can’t think about this. I have to find Casey.”
“Abel told us what he said. This prophet guy,” said Declan. “You’re supposed to save me.”
“Maybe I’m supposed to send you away to save you,” said Jenny, but there was no force in the statement.
“Jenny, look at me.”
“No. I don’t want you to see me,” she said. “I don’t want you to remember me like this.”
“Jen, I just killed someone who I used to care about. And you saw it.”
“You killed Lucy because of me,” said Jenny. “And now you have to carry that around with you.”
“I killed her so you wouldn’t have to,” he said. “And because I was doing what I’ve always done. What you’ve never needed, but I’ve done anyway.”
“What’s that?”
“Protecting you,” he said. “You’ve always been strong, Jen. I know you let me do it sometimes and I know you didn’t need me. But I needed you. I needed to protect you. It wasn’t because you couldn’t do it yourself, or because I was a man and felt it was my duty. It was because no one ever did it for you. Everyone should feel protected sometime. You never had that, and I wanted it for you. If I could have gone back in time and carried you away from that lab, I would have done it. No matter the consequences. Maybe you’re the one who’s going to save everyone. But you have to understand, I don’t care about that. If I could have saved you back then, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Let this goddamn world burn to ashes. Let me burn with it. If I knew I gave you a day, or an hour, or a minute to feel safe, it would all be worth it.”
“I’m going to hurt you someday, Declan. And I think it might kill me when I do.”
“You don’t know that,” he said.
Jenny met his eyes.
“I can feel your blood throbbing through your veins,” she said. “From where I’m standing, a foot away, I can feel your heart beating. I can smell the muscle and sinew and organs that make up the meat of you. And the rich marrow in your bones.”
Jenny felt suddenly breathless, a feeling that felt like being plunged into cold water. She couldn’t feel breathless. She didn’t have breath.
“I want to rip you apart, Declan. I can already feel the hot blood running down my throat and your flesh in my mouth. I know that if I just took one bite of you, that I would finally feel warm again after so long being cold. I would stop being hungry for just a minute, and this rage in my chest would stop for the first time. And for a moment, I wouldn’t feel cold and empty and alone.” Jenny took a step back. “Killing you would be peace. I told you I was a monster, Deck. You have to stay away. Run away. Just fucking run, remember? I’m no better than they were. I’m worse.”
“You’re crying again.”
“No, I’m not. I can’t.”
Declan was quiet for a long time. Jenny watched him staring at her. This was it. She’d finally convinced him. He was going to go away, to live his life. To be safe.
“Do it,” he said.
“Do what?”
He held out his arm. “Take me, kill me. I don’t care.”
“You have no idea what you’re saying,” she said.
“I do. If it will bring you peace even for a second, then so be it. Bite me, Jenny. It’ll be my final act. To finally bring you peace.”
“Stop it.”
“Just fucking do it!” he said, his voice cracking. “In fact, I don’t know why you’ve taken this long. Just kill me. Put me out of my fucking misery. Do it!”
He thrust his bare forearm in her face.
“NO!“ she screamed.
She backed away from him until she could feel the car against her back. Declan was staring at her, his expression indiscernible. She closed her eyes, unable to shake the feeling of not being able to catch her breath.
“Why?” Declan said, his voice so low it was almost a whisper.
“Because I won’t,” she said. “I can’t.”
“Why, Jenny?”
“I’m dead, Declan. Just let it go at that. Maybe I’m fucking sentimental.”
There was a bitterness to her voice that surprised her. She could taste the bitterness in the back of her throat.
“Bullshit. Why?”
“Do you really think that I just stopped loving you?” she said. “Do you think I didn’t come back and watch you? That I didn’t have to fight with the urge to come back to you, no matter how dead I was?”
“You came back?” he said. She could feel his heart racing.
“Of course I fucking came back. I saw you. Screaming, crazy, bashing those rotters into jelly. I thought...” She paused, trying to gather what she wanted to say. “If I came back, it would drive you insane. That’s what I thought. You were on the edge, and if you saw me, maybe you’d just hit the point of no return. And that would be my fault. Because I was selfish and I wanted to see you. To ask for your forgiveness. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“You saw that?” he said.
“And the funeral,” she said.
Declan rubbed his mouth with his hand.
“I wouldn’t have gone insane,” he said.
“You don’t know that.”
“I was so sad, Jen. I’ve never felt that way before. I never want to feel that way again. And angry. Furious at everything and nothing at the same time. I just wanted you back.”
“I’ll never be who I was,” she said.
“Neither will I.”
“We can’t be together, Declan. Not ever. When you touch me, I’ll always be cold. When you’re near, I’ll always think of the blood.”
Declan stepped toward her, his boot scuffing on the ground. He reached out and took her cold hand in his hot one.
“Just let me be next to you. It’s all I ask. Let me protect you.”
“How do you protect a monster?”
“I don’t know, but I’m going to try.” He shrugged. “Maybe we’re not so different, Jen. Maybe we’re both monsters. Maybe all of us are monsters. Just some of us know how to pretend better.”
“You’re crazy,” she said.
“You’re still crying.”
“No, I’m not,” she said. “Dead girls don’t cry.”
The others filed outside as Jenny wiped her face with the heel of her hand. She saw the gauntness of Trix’s face, the snarl that Abel kept hiding. They needed to eat soon. Beacon and Veronica stared at Jenny with pitying looks on their faces. Jenny looked away.
“Something’s happened,” said Declan.
“Your little friends have something to say,” said Trix, a strain to her voice.
Jenny looked at Beacon, who shrank back from her eyes.
“What is it?” said Jenny irritably.
“Hey, we don’t have to be here,” said Veronica, shifting her weight.
“You okay?” Declan asked her.
“Fine,” said Jenny. “I’m sorry, V. I’m just really hungry.”
Beacon and Veronica exchanged a look. Jenny gritted her teeth.
“I’m not going to eat you, okay?”
Beacon nodded. “Lucy didn’t follow Munro here,” he said. “She talked to someone, I think. I don’t know who. We never saw him. We waited in the car and when she came back out, she drove us here.”
“Where?” Jenny said.
“Uptown,” said Veronica. “Just some brick building.”
“Can you take us there?” said Jenny.
“Yeah,” said Beacon. “I think I can remember how to get there.”
Jenny eyed Declan. “We’d better take separate cars. We’ll follow you.”
“I’ll ride with you,” Declan said.
“No,” said Jenny. She looked at Trix and Abel. All were in a bad way. “Go with Beacon. It’s safer that way.”