Chapter 29

I was exhausted as the weeks went on. Kate with her ever-increasing demands had me worn out. Patrick and Seán, although easy in comparison to Kate, still required minding and God only knew what would happen when you threw a newborn baby into the mix! I had been tired with the others but never this bad – I suppose it was my age. This was going to be a tough nine months – there was no doubt about it. I had started thinking of all the stuff that we would need. We had nothing – we would be starting from scratch again. Baby equipment, the steriliser, cot and clothes – I had given them all away. Even the toys that the kids had when they were small – I had tidied them up last year and given them to the St Vincent de Paul.

I had told Mam about the pregnancy after I had told Noel. I had to – I knew she would see through me if I tried to keep it a secret – and even she was shocked.

“I thought ye were done!” she’d said.

“So did I . . .”

“Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways – he has given you this child for a reason.”

“Hmmh . . . maybe you’re right.”

“I am.”

“How will we manage though, Mam? Financially things are so tight at the moment and I’m already exhausted, I don’t know how I’ll cope at all.”

“Don’t worry, love, you’ll be grand, you’ll make things stretch. You’ll get through it.”

“I hope so, Mam.”

“And sure I can give you a hand too.”

After talking it through with Mam I started to think that maybe it wasn’t the end of the world after all.

Over the next few weeks I slowly came to accept it. I now started to feel guilty whenever I had negative thoughts. I had been so excited about my three other pregnancies and it wasn’t fair to this little baby to be brought into a world where I wasn’t excited about it as well.

Noel had come round to the idea too.

He arrived in the door with a small crib one evening.

“Where did you get that from?”

“I made it myself.” Redness crept up along his cheeks. “That’s what I’ve been doing in the shed for the last few weeks.”

He had been spending a lot of time in the shed but I’d thought he just needed some space to try to get his head around everything.

I went over and ran my fingers over the smoothness of the bars he had carved in the mahogany wood. The two ends were curved so the baby could be rocked. He had always been very good with his hands. He wasn’t a trained carpenter but he could have been. His finish was always perfect. Tears came to my eyes.

“It’s beautiful, Noel.”

“Ah, sure, it will get us through the first few months anyway.” He was embarrassed by my praise. He never could take a compliment.

“Come here.”

He placed the crib down on the floor and we hugged.

“We’ll be fine, Eva, don’t you worry.” He smoothed back my hair and kissed my forehead. “The more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I’ve got used to the idea. It’ll be nice to have a little one running around the house again. It all went by so fast with the others, so it will be nice to get another chance at it – we might even appreciate it more this time.”

“And the sleepless nights too?” I pulled back in his arms.

“Ah sure, what odds? It’ll keep us young.”

“That’s one way of looking at it, I suppose. Maybe today would be a good time to tell the others?”

“Yeah, why not.” He sighed. “They’ll be on to us soon enough if we don’t.”

We decided to test the water with Patrick and Seán before we tackled Kate.

“You’re just putting it off,” Noel had said.

“No, I’m not – we can’t hide it forever but no point in starting World War Three before we have to.”

“Good point.”

When Patrick and Seán came in from school, I knew we would have an hour before Kate arrived because she normally hung out with Aidan for a while before she came home.

“No time like the present,” I said, catching Noel’s eye.

We went down to the sitting room where they had turned on the TV.

I took a deep breath. “Boys, Dad and I would like to talk to you for a few minutes – we have something we need to tell you.”

Noel walked over and switched off the TV.

“Hey, Dad, I was watching that!” Seán said.

“What is it?” Patrick asked.

“Your mother and I – well, we’re having another baby.”

“Is that it?” Seán asked, obviously wondering what all the fuss was about.

“Really, Mam?” Patrick said, looking at me. “You don’t have a bump.”

“Well, that’s because it’s still quite early on. The bump doesn’t come until the baby gets a bit bigger.”

“Well, that’s going to be weird,” he said. “Having a little baby in the house.”

“Tell me about it!” I said.

“Can we watch TV now, please?” Seán asked.

“Yeah, of course,” I said. “So you’re okay with it then?”

“Yeah, I suppose so,” Patrick said.

We left them at it and went back down to the kitchen.

“Well, that was easy,” I said to Noel.

“Yeah, it went much better than I thought.”

“Maybe Kate won’t take it so badly after all, what do you reckon?”

“Yeah, maybe we’re making a bigger deal of this than it actually is.”

Of course we spoke too soon. We waited until the boys were in bed before telling Kate. We were all seated in the sitting room having a cup of tea with a packet of custard creams.

“We have some news for you, Kate,” Noel said.

“What – you’re finally letting me go to Bergin’s?” She looked up at us, her eyes wide with excitement.

“Eh, no . . . something we need to talk about.”

“Well, it better not be ‘the talk’ again – let’s save us all the embarrassment of doing that again!”

I almost started to laugh. Oh the irony – maybe we should have paid more attention ourselves when we had been teaching her the facts of life.

“Look, Kate, we’re going to have . . .” I said.

“Have what?”

“A baby.”

“A baby?”

No screaming, no hysteria. We were doing well, I thought.

“Who is?” She looked from me to Noel and then back to me again.

“Myself and your mother, of course!” said Noel.

“No way! You can’t do this to me!”

“To you? It’s me that’s pregnant –”

“You can’t, Mam – I’ll be the laughing stock of the school. Please say you’re only joking!” She looked at us desperately. “Oh my God, you’re actually serious, aren’t you?”

We both nodded.

“Jesus Fucking Christ, how can you two be so stupid?”

“Watch your language, Kate!” Noel said. “Look, it’s come as a shock to us as well but these things happen.”

“No, they don’t – at your age, Mam? What are you two even doing still having sex?” She looked at us in disgust and it felt like Noel and I were the school kids and she was the adult.

“Now, Kate – calm down,” Noel said. “I know it’s not easy on you to hear this – it’s taken myself and your mother a while to get our heads around it as well but it’s happening so you’re just going to have to accept it.”

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. Oh my God. Oh my God!”

“Kate, what other choice do we have?” I said. “I know it’s a shock but you’ll get used to it.”

“No, I won’t!” she screamed. “Never!”

“C’mon, Kate, please just calm down,” Noel said.

“Well, thanks very much, because you’ve just ruined my life!”

“Kate, it’s hardly going to ruin your life – stop being melodramatic!” I said.

“You disgust me!” she spat, before storming down to her bedroom.

The vibrations of the slamming door reverberated around the house.

“That went well then,” I said.

“She’ll come round.”

Although it hadn’t gone great, it was a relief to finally have it out in the open.

“I’m not so sure,” I said. “You know what Kate is like – she can hold a grudge for months. It’s a pity it isn’t a subject in school because she’d excel at it.”

“She’s a teenager – the world revolves around her. She’ll stew for a while but, wait and see, when the baby is born she’ll be a great help, I bet.”

“I wouldn’t count on it.” Then I laughed. “I can’t believe she really thinks we don’t have sex any more!”

“No one wants to think of their parents having sex.”

“If only she knew.” I dipped my biscuit into the tea and gave Noel a wink.

Chapter 30

Doctor O’Brien had arranged a dating scan for me in the hospital. I hadn’t really had scans with the others – well, I’d had one with Seán towards the end but that was only because they thought he was measuring quite big. Nowadays it seemed I would be scanned quite regularly. Things had moved on.

I left Noel at home on the farm on the day – I didn’t know how long I was going to be and it was a busy time of the year for him with the lambing.

I took the car and set off for the hospital. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I was looking forward to knowing when the baby was due for a start – it was a bit odd being pregnant and not knowing what stage you were at. My tummy was starting to push forward so I wondered if I was further along than I thought?

I went to the desk to check in and then took a seat. I sat with my file until a nurse called me into a small room to check over my medical history. I told her my age and she asked me about my previous pregnancies and deliveries.

“So I’d say this came as a surprise then?”

“It sure did.”

“Well, don’t be worrying – you’ve been through it all before – it hasn’t changed that much since the last time.” She smiled kindly and I felt at ease then. She handed me a sample jar and showed me a toilet where I could give a urine sample.

“I thought by this stage you’d have some high-fallutin’ way of doing this, instead of dealing with the dipsticks still?”

“Nope – see, I told you, nothing has changed that much. I bet it’s all coming back to you now.”

She checked my urine. “That all looks good, Eva. Now I just want to take some bloods to be tested in the lab.”

I pulled up my sleeve and waited for her to put a strap above my elbow. I pumped my fist like she told me to do and waited to feel the needle. I always felt the wait was worse than the pinch of the needle itself.

“There, all done now. If you can take a seat outside there and wait for your name to be called?”

I sat down again on the hard-backed plastic chair. I felt ancient as I looked around at the other women in the waiting room. All around me were young women in their prime, at the right age for having children, not auld ones like me. I felt out of place. I sat with my arms folded, resting on top of my handbag. Even my bag looked old-fashioned and dowdy compared to the stylish leather bags that the girls seated all around me had. Most of them had their partners with them too – when I was pregnant before, partners never came to the check-ups. Noel hadn’t even been at Kate or Patrick’s births but he had been at Seán’s. Things were just beginning to change around that time and men were just starting to go into the delivery room.

I felt like everyone was staring at me, wondering what I was doing there. I knew I was probably just being paranoid.

Finally my name was called and my dowdy bag and I went into the tiny cubicle where the scanning apparatus was.

“Eva Flynn?” the man said, checking my file. He flicked through it and stopped to read the referral from Doctor O’Brien. He had a long angular face and his glasses were perched at the end of his nose. “Right then, so you’re here for a dating scan, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“My name is John. I’m a radiographer here. Okay so, if you could climb up on to the bed there, please.”

I lay back on the couch and pulled up my top and even though I was sure he saw it every day, I felt embarrassed by my flabby tummy and the remnants of faded silvery stretch marks from the other three in front of this young guy.

He squirted some cool gel onto my tummy and then ran the probe over it.

He was quiet for a while before he started to speak. He zoomed in on various bits.

“Here is the little heart beating away – the four chambers all look good.” He moved onto another part. “Yes, brain looks fine. Judging from the measurements here I would estimate that you are nearly twelve weeks along, Eva.”

“Twelve weeks! I got a few bonus weeks in there – that’s great!” I hadn’t expected to be so far along.

Then he zoomed out again and moved to the baby’s limbs. He held the probe on one part and tilted his head to the side as if deep in concentration.

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

He had been quiet for too long. Dear God, I hoped he hadn’t found something – the risks I had been warned about flashed through my mind. Down Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome and I can’t remember how many other syndromes Doctor O’Brien had warned me about. Or what if it was twins? We’d never cope with that!

He seemed to be measuring something on the screen. He would drag the probe across and take a measurement and do the same back on the other side.

“Have you been experiencing any extra pain or discomfort lately?”

“Well, I’m pregnant, so yeah – look, do you mind telling me what’s wrong?”

“It looks like you may have an adnexal mass on your right ovary. Now it might be nothing but we need to keep an eye on it.”

“An ad-what?”

“It’s a growth that arises from the uterus or Fallopian tube.”

“Oh, is that all?” I let out a sigh of relief. “I thought you were going to tell me there was something wrong with the baby!”

“Hmmh.”

“So what does that mean in normal English?”

“Well, it’s hard to say just yet without a biopsy. Usually these things are benign cysts but I would like to get a second opinion. These machines aren’t the best. I’m going to refer you on to my colleague Gareth O’Keeffe for a more detailed examination. Now, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about but it’s best to get these things checked.”

“But otherwise all looks good?” I said.

“Yes, the baby seems fine.”

I went back out again and made arrangements to see Gareth O’Keeffe.

Then I decided to treat myself to a cup of tea and a sticky bun in the hospital coffee shop. I smiled at the black-and-white scan photo that the doctor had given me. It still didn’t look like a baby yet, more like a jellybean, but I was excited. I tried to make out his scrawly handwriting in my chart but I couldn’t make head or tail of it. I was annoyed with myself for not asking more questions. But there was no point in tormenting myself, wondering what it all meant. The appointment he had set up for me was the following week so at least things would be clearer soon enough.

When I went home and told Noel he just asked more questions.

“But what do you reckon it is?”

“I told you I don’t know, Noel.”

“But is it serious?”

“For the last time, I don’t know – we’ll just have to wait until my appointment next week.”

“But the baby is fine?”

“Aren’t I just after telling you that?” I snapped.

Noel had decided to come with me for the appointment with Doctor O’Keeffe the following week. He drove this time so I was able to sit back as we set off for the hospital. I had been thinking about it all week but then I had to remind myself that the radiographer had said it was probably nothing to worry about.

Doctor O’Keeffe came and met us in the waiting room. We followed him into his rooms.

My heart was beating as I climbed up on the examination couch. Noel took a seat near my head. I watched him twisting his gold wedding band round and round his finger. He did this sometimes when he was anxious. We both stayed quiet while the doctor did the scan, waiting for him to tell us what was going on.

Finally he spoke.

“It would appear that you have a large ovarian cyst, Eva. I’m measuring it to be approximately eight centimetres in diameter.”

“Eight centimetres! Sure that’s nearly the size of a sliotar!” Noel said.

“Now these things are usually harmless but we need to keep an eye on it.”

“But you don’t think it’s anything serious, do you?” Noel asked.

“It’s hard to say – I would like to see you back here in a couple of weeks so we can monitor it.”

I was deflated when we went back outside. Doctor O’Brien had warned me about the possible complications of being pregnant at my age but never did I think it would be something like this that I would be dealing with. Whatever about my initial shock at discovering that I was pregnant, I had surprised myself by growing to like the idea of another chance of holding a little baby again. My mood had been lifted over the last few weeks as I went about my mundane jobs of doing the laundry, making dinners, cajoling the kids to do their homework. It had given me something to look forward to. And then this had happened.

Chapter 31

A couple of weeks later we were driving around the hospital car park looking for a space. We drove up and down the rows and then we would see someone pull out of one we just passed and another car would rush in and take the vacated space. The rain hit the windscreen hard and the wipers swished it away. Eh-eeek, eh-eeek, eh-eeek. One of them was squeaking like nails on a blackboard and every so often it would irritate Noel and he would turn them off but he would have to turn it on again a few seconds later to fend off the rain.

“I’ll drop you up to the door – no point in both of us getting wet,” he said.

I was going back to meet with Doctor O’Keeffe for the follow-up scan.

A short while later Doctor O’Keeffe was staring hard at the screen in concentration and we were staring at him.

“It looks complex and the borders are poorly delineated. Due to its size I would be very surprised if it resolved spontaneously. Now these things are usually benign but equally it may be malignant –”

“Malignant?” I said.

“Yes, as in cancerous. Now the rates of malignancy in ovarian masses during pregnancy are less than one per cent so it’s only a tiny chance – but we have to err on the side of caution. In a non-pregnant patient we would usually perform surgery to remove the cyst and take a tissue biopsy to rule out malignancy. However, as I’m sure you can guess, abdominal surgery during pregnancy is associated with its own complications such as spontaneous miscarriage, rupture of membranes, preterm birth, infection, thrombosis . . . There are also the effects of anaesthesia on the foetus and the mother to consider.”

“I see.” I was stunned. All I could focus on was the ink stain from the pen that was sitting upside down inside his pocket.

“There is a lot of debate about whether surgical intervention is warranted in all pregnant patients that present with large cysts – in some cases close monitoring throughout the pregnancy and subsequent postpartum surgery can achieve good outcomes for both mother and baby. But in your case, Eva, due to its size and complexity, I would recommend surgery sooner rather than later.”

“Are you saying that I have cancer?”

“No, not at all, but I would like to do a biopsy to know what we’re dealing with here.”

“But you just told me all the things that can go wrong after surgery.”

“We need to weigh up the risks, Eva. Ultimately it is a decision that you and your husband need to make – whether you choose to have surgery or if you wish to continue without surgery. But, obviously, if it is cancer that we’re dealing with here and we’re not treating it, then . . .” he paused to choose his words, “there are other risks to think about . . .”

He didn’t need to spell it out to me.

“And this surgery that you’re talking about – what would it involve?” Noel asked.

“Well, Eva would be put under general anaesthetic and then a laparotomy would be carried out whereby we would do an incision through the abdomen to surgically remove as much of the cyst as we can. As I said it might be nothing to worry about –”

“But what about the baby?”

“We would, of course, take every care to protect the baby but, as I mentioned, there are risks that you need to be aware of. I’m sorry, Eva – situations like this are awful for everyone involved. I see so few cases like this but when I do it presents an awful dilemma for the parents. I want you and your husband to go home and talk about it – we can put you in touch with a counsellor if you wish to talk it through with someone. I’ll give you a call in a couple of days to see how you’re doing.”

Noel and I drove home in silence, lost in our own thoughts. We didn’t even turn on the radio. I tried to remain positive. When I thought of the stats they were in my favour. “Less than one per cent of adnexal masses during pregnancy are malignant,” was what Doctor O’Keeffe had said and hadn’t he also said that some of them resolve themselves spontaneously? I kept on telling myself this, so why then did I not feel reassured? It was like I was waiting, tempting fate, for something bad to happen. Just as I was starting to get excited about this little miracle growing away inside me, I knew something bad was going to happen. I could feel it in my bones. You know that feeling when everything in your life is going too well and it starts to make you uneasy and you just know something lies in wait around the corner for you? It’s like someone is saying: ‘Look at her getting all smug – let’s just throw this at her and we’ll see how smug she is then!’ Well, that’s how I felt.

We went into the house and Noel put the kettle on. It was an automatic reaction – we always did it when we came in from somewhere.

I sat down at the table. When he put the cup of tea down in front of me I didn’t reach for it.

“Are you okay?”

I said nothing.

“Look, doctors these days are very advanced – they’re much more skilful – he’ll whip it out and you’ll be as right as rain again in no time. You’ll see.” Noel was trying hard to be positive.

“But I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“I can’t have surgery, Noel.”

“Why not? You heard what Doctor O’Keeffe said?”

“It’s too risky, Noel – I couldn’t live with myself if anything . . . were to . . . go wrong.”

“But what about the other risks?”

“What of them?”

“Well, what if it is cancer? What if something were to happen . . . to you?”

“Sure, I’ll be grand – tough as old boots, me! It would take a lot more than that to get rid of me!”

“Can you please just be serious for once?”

“I am being serious!”

“He advised you to have the surgery.”

“He also said it might be nothing and I’m not prepared to take a chance. You heard what he said – less than one per cent of masses are malignant. I don’t know about you but that to me seems like the odds are in my favour.”

“Well, maybe . . .”

“Look, he’s just being a typical doctor and covering his own arse – they have do that – but I’ll be grand.”

“Maybe you’re right,” he said uncertainly. “Well, we’ll see what he says at your next appointment.”

But I didn’t feel as confident as my words.

Chapter 32

Noel and I didn’t speak about it at all after that. I knew that I was probably doing a bit of sticking my head in the sand but I just couldn’t face up to it. We never even mentioned it to the children.

Kate was still acting like the devil’s child. I would catch her staring stonily across the kitchen at me, her eyes narrowed into piercing slits. Where had my blonde-haired angel gone? She was spending more and more time out with Aidan and her friends. Ordinarily I would have been pretty strict about her hanging around the town but under the circumstances I let it go. What is it they say: pick your battles? She was still on at me about going to Bergin’s and I had finally caved – I didn’t have the energy to fight her any more on it. The condition was that Noel would drop her down and pick her up – I knew she wasn’t happy with that end of the bargain but she knew better than to push me on that one in case I changed my mind altogether.

At my next appointment, when Doctor O’Keeffe said that the mass had grown again in size and that he wasn’t happy with the shape or complexity of it at all, I wasn’t surprised. Noel reached out for my hand and squeezed it and I could feel the nervousness in his. I felt numb and removed from it all whereas poor Noel seemed to be very upset. I somehow found myself comforting him.

“What are our options?” Noel asked.

“I would strongly advise you to proceed with surgery, both to attempt to remove as much of the mass as possible and also to do a biopsy so we know exactly what we’re dealing with here. Then we can decide on the best course of treatment.”

“I don’t want to do anything that may harm this baby.” I put my hands protectively across my growing abdomen.

“You are out of the first trimester now. I think there is a good chance for a successful pregnancy, Eva.”

“But you said there are risks too.”

“Yes, of course, there are – with any kind of surgery during pregnancy – especially with the location of the surgery in this situation.”

“Well, then, I can’t do it.”

“Eva – the risks to you may far outweigh the risk to the baby if we don’t proceed with surgery.”

“But you don’t know that – you said yourself that less than one per cent of masses during pregnancy are malignant – you don’t even know if it is cancerous. I’m sorry but it’s just too big of a risk to take for a less than one-per-cent chance when it might actually be nothing at all.”

“Will you stop being so stubborn?” Noel was looking at me, his eyes burning with upset. “Listen to the man – he is recommending that you have the surgery – why won’t you be reasonable?”

“I am listening – that’s why I am going to take my chances.”

“Are there any other options?” Noel turned back to Doctor O’Keeffe.

“Well, without knowing if it is indeed malignant, then I’m afraid not. We can sometimes do a blood test to measure tumour markers but it isn’t accurate for pregnant women as the levels of the antigen are usually elevated in pregnancy anyway. Look, ultimately it is your decision, I can only advise and then I have to respect whatever you decide on. I empathise with you both because it is a truly awful decision for any expectant mother to have to make.”

I nodded. The whole thing felt like an out-of-the-body experience.

“We’ll be keeping a close eye on you to see how it’s growing. If you do change your mind, please ring me anytime and I can schedule surgery immediately.”

“Thank you, Doctor O’Keeffe.” Noel shook his hand gratefully.

My handshake was a bit more lacklustre.

“What is wrong with you?” Noel blazed as soon as we got back into the car. “You have three children at home you need to think about and yet you’re putting a small risk to this unborn baby ahead of all of them! That’s not fair, Eva. You need to think about this – about what you’re doing here!”

“I am thinking about it – all I do is think about it! Do you think I can escape it for a minute? But I can feel the baby kicking away in there now and I can’t do it, I just can’t. The fate of the baby is in my hands.”

“Well, you’re selfish. Your other children need you just as much as that baby – if not more!”

“Please don’t call it ‘that baby’,” I said wearily.

“Well, that’s how I feel – suddenly it has taken priority over everyone else in our family!”

“Noel, please stop, I’m just trying to do my best by everyone.”

“Everyone? The baby isn’t even born yet, you don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, you know nothing about that baby but you do know that you have three beautiful children – and a husband – who love you more than anything else in the world and yet you are choosing the baby before all of us!”

I was exasperated. “I’m not choosing anyone over anybody else – I’m trying to be fair. I’m trying to weigh up the risks that Doctor O’Keeffe spoke about and, when I do that, then I can’t take the risk of surgery. It seems unwarranted.”

“You’re infuriating, do you know that?”

I said nothing.

“Come on, Eva, you don’t need me to spell it out to you – he thinks that you have cancer.”

“But he doesn’t know for sure.”

“He has seen enough of these things to know what he’s dealing with here.”

“Look, Noel, call me what you want but it’s not going to change my mind. Now please, I’m asking you to support my decision.”

We drove home the rest of the way in silence. I could see by the way his whole body was tensed up that he was furious with me. His shoulders were raised up around his neck and his hands were clamped around the steering wheel as he drove. It took a lot to get Noel mad – he was usually very easygoing – but when he did, he could brood for days.

He slammed the door of the car shut and stormed into the kitchen ahead of me. I followed in behind him and went straight for the kettle – I needed it after that.

Seán came in from school singing “We Will Rock You”, oblivious to the tension between his parents. Freddie Mercury had died the previous November and Seán had since discovered his music. At the time it had been played on every radio and TV station and Seán was now obsessed with Queen. He kept on singing away to himself as he went about pulling apart the fridge and making himself a sandwich.

“Will you ever give it over, Seán!” I snapped.

“What?” He was in his own world. “Oh, sorry, Mam.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Noel glaring at me.

“You’re all right, love, maybe just pick another song,” I said contritely.

Mam called down to the house later on. I knew she was anxious to know how I had got on in the hospital again. Noel had headed out to the fields. He usually came in for his tea around five but there was no sign of him today. Patrick was down in his room doing his homework. There was no sign of Kate either, although that wasn’t unusual and today I was glad of it – it gave me a chance to talk to Mam without fear of being overheard.

“It wasn’t good news, I’m afraid, Mam.” I served her up a plate of buns and a cup of tea. “It’s grown bigger again.”

“Lord above! And I was praying round the clock for you – I even asked Father Ball to pray for you during Mass yesterday.”

My mother was a devout Catholic – there was nothing that couldn’t be cured by prayer – even potential cancer, it seemed.

“What did he say to you – the doctor?”

“Well, he wants me to have surgery to remove it but it’s risky for the baby and I don’t want to take the chance.”

“And what does Noel say?”

“Stop – we’re arguing over it. He wants me to have the surgery but imagine if I had the operation and something happened to the baby and then it turned out that the growth was nothing after all?”

“It’s a hard decision, Eva – I don’t envy you.”

“What would you do, Mam, if you were in my shoes?”

“God, I don’t know, Eva, it’s a tough one.” She sighed heavily. “I mean Noel is right – you have three beautiful children to think of as well –”

“But the risks are so small when you think of the stats Doctor O’Keeffe mentioned.”

“I suppose so . . .” She wouldn’t meet my eyes.

“You don’t think I’m doing the right thing, do you?”

“Ah Eva, I can’t say . . . sure none of us can know how we’d react in your situation until we were going through it ourselves.”

“I can feel the baby kicking now, Mam. I couldn’t live with myself if anything were to happen to it.”

“And what if it were to happen to you?”

“Stop, Mam. Look, you’ll just have to pray a bit more for me. I’ll be right as rain, I know I will.”

“Well, you can’t knock that spirit.” She took a sip from her mug. “I’ll get a Mass said for you in Knock. Have you told the kids yet?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. I’m trying to work out how best to tell them. And I need Noel and me to be on the same page first or God knows what way they’ll react –”

The back door opened then.

“Oh hiya, Gran!” Kate said, coming into the kitchen in her navy tartan school kilt and woollen blazer. I noticed she had the waistband folded up on itself so that the skirt was a couple of inches shorter than it should be. She was wearing make-up too – a bit of foundation that was too dark for her and mascara on her lashes. She chatted away to her grandmother, all sweetness and light. You would never think that she was the same girl who screamed and roared and backchatted at me constantly. She adored her gran – they had a great relationship and Mam thought she was an angel. She never saw the side to Kate that I saw here at home. No, that was reserved for me alone.

“How are you, love? Did you have a good day in school?”

“I did thanks, Gran. What are you two talking about? You look very serious.”

Kate hadn’t mentioned the baby since. Not to me or to her dad or even Mam. It was as if it didn’t exist for her.

“Ah, this and that,” said Mam. “Boring stuff that would be of no interest to you.”

“Do you want a cup of tea, Kate?”

“Yeah, I will, thanks, Mam.”

I was amazed how she could switch on and switch off her personality as she felt like it.

My mother would go home now and then the Devil Kate would return as soon as the door was closed behind her.

Chapter 33

Three days later and Noel still wasn’t talking to me. That left Patrick and Seán as the only members of the family who deemed me worthy enough to talk to. Noel would exchange a few words as necessary if there was something about one of the children but that was the extent of our communication. I knew he was still seething. I was constantly asking myself if I had made the right decision but then when I thought of the little baby inside me I knew that I had. Noel didn’t see the baby as a person yet but for me it was very real. I could feel it moving and turning – it was already a little person to me – we just hadn’t met yet.

Kate on the other hand just gave me filthy looks as if I was the scum on the soles of her shoes. I knew we needed to talk so one day I went down to her in her bedroom. I knocked on the door but she couldn’t hear me over the music being played on her stereo so I just walked straight in. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed, her head bowed deep in concentration as she used permanent marker to graffiti her schoolbag. The room was like a shrine to Nirvana and posters of a strung-out Kurt Cobain took over every spare inch of the walls. She didn’t hear me come in so I walked over and lowered the volume. Her head shot up.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she snapped at me.

“I thought you’d like to go into Galway at the weekend – just the two of us?”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Well, I thought we might do a bit of shopping, get you a few new clothes?” I sat down on the edge of the bed.

“All right.”

I knew she would never be one to turn down the opportunity of getting new clothes. Although God knows we couldn’t afford it.

It had been so long since we had done anything together. The thing was that I missed her – Kate and I used to be so close. She followed me everywhere as a little girl. She would stand beside me at the bathroom mirror when I was putting on my mascara and I would have to let her put some on too – or she would traipse around the house in my ‘hee-highls’ as she called them, with my beads draped around her neck so that they were almost trailing on the floor and I was afraid of my life that she was going to trip up on them. She was my shadow and I loved having a little girl who wanted to try on my make-up and clothes. It was only when she had gone to secondary school that the mood swings had started and I became the enemy. I was hurt and upset at first but when I talked to friends they assured me it was just a phase – that all teenage girls go through it with their mothers but they come out again the other side of it. I also hoped, if we had a good day, then she might become more accepting of the baby. I still hadn’t told her about the other thing.

The following Saturday we set off for Galway. We had a great morning, just the two of us. I ended up spending far more than I had planned. She saw a long peasant skirt that she liked so I got that for her, then there were a pair of runners she wanted and black nail varnish too. I knew I was probably buying her affection but I didn’t care. We went for lunch in a fast-food place just off Shop Street that Kate chose. We both had fries and burgers and Kate ordered a milkshake.

“You’ve got a bump now.” It was the first reference she had made to the baby since we had told her that I was pregnant.

“I do – it’s big enough, isn’t it?” People in town were starting to notice that I was pregnant even though I was wearing loose clothes. At Mass the week before I observed people’s eyes being drawn to my bump as they wondered was I or wasn’t I. The look of shock on their faces was amusing – they were almost as bad as Kate.

“Uh-huh.” She nodded. “You look massive.” She sucked up her strawberry milkshake noisily through the straw. Oh to be a skinny thirteen-year-old! I just had to look at a milkshake to feel the weight going on.

“Well, cheers, Kate!”

She smiled at me, her beautiful smile that reminded me of when she was a little girl.

“I’m nearly halfway there now,” I said.

“I can’t believe there’s going to actually be a newborn baby in the house.”

“Me neither.”

“I suppose it’ll be okay.”

“Yeah?” This was a breakthrough.

“I’ve told Aidan and all my friends and they actually thought it was kinda cool – not the fact that you and Dad are still having sex, that’s just gross, but that I’m going to have a new baby brother or sister.”

“I see. Well, I think we’ll all enjoy having a new lease of life around the house. This baby will be very lucky to have an older sister and two brothers all doting on it.”

“But there’s no way I’m bringing the baby out in case people think it’s mine. And I’m definitely not going to be baby-sitting for you – I have my own social life to think about, y’know.”

“Don’t worry, no one is asking you to baby-sit just yet!” I laughed.

“What’s wrong with Dad? He’s been in a bad mood for ages now.”

I didn’t think she’d even noticed the tension between us. I decided while things were going well it might be best to come clean about what was going on.

“Look, Kate, during one of my scans – the doctor . . . well, he found a growth.”

“What kind of growth?”

“Well, it’s hard to say without doing a biopsy but that would be a risk for the baby so I’m not going to do it and your dad is just a bit annoyed about it, that’s all.”

“What’s his problem?”

“Ah, you know what he’s like.”

“Sure, can’t you just check it out after the baby is born?”

“Exactly!”

I didn’t want to worry her with the risks – best to keep it simple.

When we came out of the burger bar we strolled arm in arm over the cobbles. It was so good to have my daughter back – it was times like these that lifted me to the top of the world and my heart would swell with love for her. I knew that in a couple of days she’d be back to being a raging hormonal teenager but every now and then I got to see a piece of the daughter I knew and loved so well and I was making the most of it.

I was tired, my legs felt like they had been poured full of lead and, although I wasn’t usually one for napping during the day, I felt I could lie down and sleep for a week – but I didn’t want the day to end just yet because days like this were such a rarity. I wanted to savour every minute of it. It was such a weight off my mind having Kate back on side again. Now it just left Noel – one down, one to go. I decided I was going to talk it out with him after the kids had gone to bed that night. I couldn’t bear the atmosphere around the house any more especially seeing as the kids had picked up on it. We both needed to act like grown-ups. And the stress wasn’t good for the baby.

“Hey, Mam!” she said as she stopped on the street in front of an A-frame board on the path.

“What?” I said warily as I read the sign: Bodyart: tattoos, piercings on the spot.

“Can I get my nose pierced?”

“No way!”

Things might have been going well between us but I wasn’t a complete walkover.

“I knew you wouldn’t let me.” She started to laugh. “Maybe a tattoo?”

“Keep on walking.” I steered her by the shoulders past the shop.

On the way home in the car I stole a sideways glance at her while we were stopped at traffic lights and was hit with a huge pang of guilt. I really hoped I had made the right decision in not having the surgery like Doctor O’Keeffe had advised. I wouldn’t admit it to Noel but the odd time the doubts would get to me and I would wonder if he was right. Was I putting this baby inside me before our other children? Kate chatted away and she didn’t seem to notice I was thinking. She opened up to me about Aidan and how much she really liked him. I just concentrated on driving and let her talk. When I got home, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I said to Kate that I was going in to bed for a lie-down for half an hour. I didn’t have the energy to remove my clothes so I got in under the duvet fully clothed.

When I woke and saw the daylight giving the room that early morning glow, I knew I had slept all night. And I couldn’t believe that I was still wearing my jeans and T-shirt. Noel was asleep in a mound under the duvet beside me. I raised myself on one arm to look at the alarm clock over on Noel’s side of the bed. It was 6 a.m.. Jesus Christ, I had slept twelve hours straight! I lay there for a while thinking about everything, wishing Noel would be my support. We never fought. We were just one of those couples. People often said to me that we were both too easygoing to fight and I knew what they meant. But then, when he was mad with me, in this case madder than I had ever seen him before, it worried the life out of me.

I shook his left shoulder that was raised.

“What, what’s wrong?” he said sleepily, pulling the sheet up over his shoulder.

“We need to talk.”

He rubbed his eyes and looked at his alarm clock.

“It’s seven minutes past six – go back to sleep.” It was nearly time for him to get up and he was trying to make the most of the few minutes that he had left in bed.

“I can’t, Noel, it’s driving me mad. I don’t like it when we fight.”

“And you think I do?” He sighed as he propped himself up against the headboard.

“No, I know you don’t – that’s why I want to sort this out before it goes on any longer.”

“Have you made your mind up?”

“I can’t have the surgery, Noel – I just can’t do it. No matter how many times I think about it I just can’t do it.” I could feel the baby kicking. I pulled up my T-shirt then, showing him my bump.

“Look, Noel – just look.” As if performing on cue the baby kicked, visible from the outside. “I can’t do anything that would jeopardise it.”

He let out a long and frustrated sigh and looked up at the ceiling.

“Okay.”

“What?”

“Okay – I’ll support you. If this is what you want, I’ll support you.”

“Really, Noel – no more mention of surgery?”

“That’s it – that’s the end of it. If this is what you want, then I’ll go along with it but I just pray to God that it will all be okay.”

“Of course it will – sure you won’t get rid of me that easily.”

“I don’t want to get rid of you.” He put his arm under me and pulled me in tight so that my head was resting against his shoulder.

“I love you, Eva.”

“And I love you. I told Kate about everything yesterday.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it was like there was a tiny chink in her armour and I got to see my real daughter for a while. We had a great day together. Just like old times. She has come to terms with the baby – her friends all think it’s cool, so that helps.”

“Does she know that it might be cancer?”

“Well, I didn’t want to completely scare the life out of her so I just said it was a ‘growth’.”

“I see – well, it’s probably for the best. We should probably tell the boys later on too.”

When we told the boys, Patrick just shrugged his shoulders and Seán asked if we were done so he could go outside and play football. Again, we hadn’t used the ‘C’-word. I had debated it in my head whether we should just be upfront with them but, since I didn’t even know myself that it was cancer we were dealing with here, there was no point in going down that road.

Chapter 34

A few weeks later I was due back at the hospital for my next appointment. I think they were hoping I would have changed my mind about the surgery but the more life I could feel growing inside of me, the more I knew that there was no way I would change my mind.

As feared, the scan showed that the mass had enlarged once again. I could see it myself on the screen. I saw on Doctor O’Keeffe’s face that he was worried about it. He stared intensely at the screen, deep in concentration, as he did his measurements. Thankfully he didn’t mention surgery to me this time, which I was grateful for. We had made up our minds and I didn’t want to open it all up for debate again.

Although Noel had agreed to accept my decision, I knew it didn’t sit well with him. Our truce was fragile and all it would take would be for Doctor O’Keeffe to make another recommendation and the wound would be opened all over again. The good news was that the baby was doing well, they were very happy with its growth and movements and the mass seemed to be having no effect on him or her whatsoever. This brightened my mood considerably and I knew that I had made the right choice.

I didn’t mention it to them but I was starting to feel a lot of pain in my abdomen – pain that I knew wasn’t coming from the baby. I presumed it was from both the baby and the tumour putting pressure on my organs. But I was afraid that if I said anything it would just strengthen the argument for surgery.

The pain got worse over the next few weeks and I was trying to manage as best I could but, when I woke up one Saturday morning and couldn’t even get out of bed, Noel called an ambulance. I could see the look of pure fear and terror on the kids’ faces but I wasn’t able to talk to them. The pain had gripped me while I was being put onto a stretcher and wheeled into the back of the ambulance. Noel held my hand the whole way to the hospital. By the time we got there, the pain had eased off again but even I was frightened by how forceful it had been.

Doctor O’Keeffe was waiting for me as soon as we came through the doors.

“Don’t tell me they called you in on your day off?” I said.

“Never mind that – there’s no such thing as having as a day off in this profession. How are you doing?”

“I’ll survive.”

I couldn’t help but notice a worried look on his face.

He carried out another scan.

“It’s as I suspected, Eva. The mass has enlarged and now, with the pressure of your growing uterus, it is putting pressure on the other internal organs and causing torsion. Without surgery it will continue to get progressively more painful.”

“I’ve come this far, doctor, I’m just heading into the third trimester, I’m on the home stretch, I can’t do it now.”

“I had a feeling you might say that.”

I smiled at him. “We’re getting to know each other very well.”

“What I would suggest, Eva, is that we look at delivering the baby early by Caesarean section and try to debulk as much of the mass as possible at the same time.”

“How early?”

“Well, you’re coming up to twenty-seven weeks now and the pain is just going to get worse. I’d like to keep you in hospital from now on, I’m afraid – there is a risk of placental abruption if the mass continues to get bigger. I am quite keen to get a biopsy of this mass and if the results show that it is cancer, I would be eager to start treatment sooner rather than later. I think thirty-two weeks would be a good time – there is usually a good outcome for babies delivered at this stage in a pregnancy with very few complications – obviously there will be a stay in the special care unit but usually after a few weeks, once they have put on weight, the babies are able to go home.”

“I see.”

“We can give steroid shots for the baby’s lungs to help the foetus to achieve lung maturity.”

“Eva, you have to do it,” said Noel. “I let you make the decision on putting off surgery but, now that Doctor O’Keeffe is saying there is a good chance for the baby, then we need to go with what he is recommending. You have a responsibility to the other three as well.”

“Okay. All right.” I was past fighting at that stage.

The next few weeks were tough. I was on a ward with five other women being treated for complications of pregnancy. One was a diabetic, two more had high blood pressure and another woman was being monitored for premature leaking of waters. It was grand to have their company during the long days. There was a TV at the end of the ward but most of the time I was too exhausted to get out of bed to watch it. The pain was awful but there wasn’t much I could take because I was pregnant. It felt as though my organs were being squeezed and twisted inside out. Noel would bring the kids in to see me but I didn’t like them seeing me like this. I could see their worried faces, Kate’s especially. I tried to put on a brave face for them but some days I just didn’t have the energy. Mam would come in and sit with me, her fingers knotted around her rosary beads, moving them swiftly through her fingers, but no matter how much she prayed it didn’t ease up the pain. It didn’t help that it was a warm summer – one of the hottest in years. I could see the colour on Noel’s face from working the land when he would come in to visit me in the evenings. Kate had a sprinkling of freckles across her cheeks and along the bridge of her nose – it reminded me of when she was a little girl. She looked so healthy and beautiful. When I told her that, she had a fit of course – telling me they were the ugliest things and how she had spent hours putting on loads of make-up to cover them up and then I had to go and point them out straight away. I could never say the right thing as far as Kate was concerned.

One day when Noel had taken the boys to the coffee shop to get a sandwich and Kate and I were alone she asked me out straight.

“How serious is it, Mam?”

“I’m not sure, love. They won’t know until they deliver the baby and then they can operate.”

“But why can’t they do that now? I can see you squirming in the bed in pain – it’s horrible!”

“I’m sorry, love – in a few more weeks, once the baby has developed a little bit more and is a bit stronger.”

“I wish this baby had never happened.”

“Kate!”

“I do, Mam – it’s caused nothing but trouble – look at everything you’re going through for it!”

“Well, it’s hardly the baby’s fault, now is it, Kate?”

“I guess not.”

“Look, once the baby is born, they can do the surgery and then I’ll be right as rain again.”

I knew Noel was finding it tough at home. The kids were on their summer holidays from school so he was trying to occupy them, keep Kate out of trouble, as well as staying on top of the farm. Mam was helping out too. She would call over and do the washing and make dinner in the evenings. Noel was saying that Kate was out with Aidan from the time she got up in the mornings until last thing at night and he didn’t like it. She didn’t even bother coming home for her dinner any more. He wasn’t sure what way to deal with it. Noel never was good at the discipline. That was my job – that was the way we worked. He was also reluctant to come down too hard on her with everything going on. I told him not to worry, that it was just her way of coping. Things would all get back to normal after I came home. It was coming up to Kate’s fourteenth birthday so I told Noel to get her a pair of the Levi’s that she so desperately wanted. He balked when I told him the price of them.

“We can’t afford them!” he said.

“Ah Noel, go on, she’s going through a tough time of it at the moment – she could do with a little cheering up.”

I felt so guilty for the kids, being wheeled in to see me and sit around a boring hospital when I’m sure they just wanted to be out playing with their friends in the sunshine. The boys would sit on the plastic chairs until boredom set in and they would start nudging and poking at each other before it would escalate and Noel would tell them to stop because the other patients on the ward were resting. He would give them money and they would run out to the hospital shop and stock up on sweets and other things full of neon colourings and e-numbers and bars so chewy that I was worried their teeth would come out stuck in the mess.

My appetite had decreased so that even minute amounts of food left me feeling full. Doctor O’Keeffe said it was because the cyst was compressing my stomach – any other time this would have been great news but now it just meant that I was worried about the baby. He assured me the baby was getting what it needed from me and would be just fine. He was more worried about me.

“I’m fed up of this place, Noel,” I said for the umpteenth time. “I just want to go home.”

“Well, you’re nearly there now.”

“How are the kids?”

“Great.”

“Did you get those jeans for Kate?”

“I did – they cost enough though.”

“I can’t wait to see her face when we give them to her. Will you do it in here? I’d hate to miss it.”

“Of course we will, love – we’re hardly going to do it without you.”

“Is she still out till all hours with Aidan?”

“Yep – he’s a grand fella and all but I don’t see them from one end of the day to the next and God knows what they’re getting up to. I think she’s smoking, Eva.”

“Oh yeah?” I was lying back on the pillow with my eyes closed. My head was pounding like someone was thrashing a lump hammer between my brain and skull. It was so warm in the ward and the window at the end of the room could only be opened back an inch.

“Well, I could definitely smell something the other day and then a packet of Benson & Hedges fell out of her pocket during the week.”

I opened my eyes and sat forward. A pain shot through my abdomen as I did so. I grimaced for a moment.

“Benson & Hedges? I thought she’d have better taste in cigarettes – bloody awful things they are!”

I had smoked briefly for a time in my twenties, before the kids were born, when it was a cool thing to do and people didn’t know about the damage it did to your health.

“Can you just be serious for a minute, Eva?”

“Sorry, Noel – I’ll talk to her the next time she’s in. This is tough on her. First of all her mother is pregnant at forty years of age, then she ends up in hospital, possibly with cancer. I know she acts like she doesn’t need me but teenage girls need their mothers more than ever to help them through the difficult years. Don’t I remember it well myself?”

“Well, I just hope they’re not having sex – we don’t need any more unplanned pregnancies in this family.”

“She’d have more sense,” I said and we both laughed then.

Chapter 35

My life became more or less confined to my hospital bed. The nurses would help me out for a short walk down the corridor every day but other than that I was on the flat of my back staring at the mint-green walls of St Brigid’s ward. My legs were sore and swollen and I was short of breath even though I wasn’t doing anything. They were all the normal symptoms of pregnancy but magnified because of the growing mass.

Visiting hours were between six and eight in the evening so usually Noel marched the kids in to see me. Mam sometimes would come as well.

Kate’s birthday came and went. Mam had baked a chocolate cake and we lit some candles and sang Happy Birthday to her. She was thrilled when she opened her present – she couldn’t quite believe that she finally had a pair of the jeans that she so desperately craved. She had gone into the bathroom on the ward and changed into them straight away. I smiled at Noel and we both knew they had been worth every penny, just to see the happiness on her face.

“All by yourself today?” I said to Noel when he came in one evening.

“The boys were out playing – I couldn’t get them in. And Kate, well, Kate –”

“What’s wrong?”

“Ah, you’ve enough on your plate.”

“Tell me.”

“Well, Sergeant Trevor brought her home in the back of the squad car last night.”

“Why, what did she do?” I tried to sit up straighter but my whole abdomen felt as though it was being pulled apart so I lay back down again.

“Herself and Aidan were found sculling back a flagon of cider in the church car-park.”

“Ah for feck sake – she’s only fourteen! She’s too young for that carry-on.”

“Tell me about it! And you should have seen the fanny pelmet she was wearing when she arrived home – she had gone out wearing her jeans! It was so short that she’d have every dog in the village sniffing after her and I told her as much!”

“I’d say that went down well.”

“Ah you know yourself, lots of screaming and shouting and door-slamming, but she knew by me that she had gone a step too far this time.”

Even I could see that Noel had been very snappy of late. Normally it took a lot to push his buttons but the littlest things would send him over the edge or off on a rant these days.

“I gave her a good talking-to this morning. That’s why she wouldn’t come in to see you – she’s afraid of what you’ll say.”

“Well, she can’t avoid me forever. God, this is a nightmare . . .”

“What is?”

“This whole thing – me being confined to hospital while the kids run wild and things fall apart at home – and I can’t even do anything about it!”

“You’re nearly there now and then we’ll get you back home again.”

“Yeah. It’s dragging though – all day only allowed out of my bed to walk up the corridor to the shower and even that is such an effort. I’m sick to death of looking at these four walls. I’m so fed up.”

We were interrupted by June, the nurse looking after me. She brought a wheelchair up to the side of the bed for me.

“Ah my wheels – what exciting place are you taking me to now?” I asked. It was bad when the highlight of my day was when June came along with my wheelchair.

“You’ve a date with Doctor O’Keeffe,” she said brightly. “We won’t be long.”

“Do you want me to come too?” Noel asked.

“No, you go down and get yourself a cup of tea in the coffee shop.”

“Well, how did you get on?” Noel asked when I got back.

It wasn’t good news.

“It’s been two weeks now that the baby hasn’t put on any weight. They’re saying something about the growth being restricted now by the mass – what did he call it – throw me over my chart for a minute, Noel.”

He took my chart from the holder at the end of the bed where June had put it. I flicked it open and tried to read Doctor O’Keeffe’s handwriting.

“Yeah, here it is – ‘intrauterine growth restriction’. Although he didn’t say it, I reckon he’s thinking of delivering this baby pretty soon.”

“Well, you’re almost thirty-one weeks now . . . look, we just have to put our trust in him – he’s the doctor, he knows what he’s doing. You’ve given it your best shot.”

“But it’s so early!”

“I know but they can do wonderful things for babies born early these days – it’s not like it used to be – things have advanced so much.”

“I hope I’ve done the right thing.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, not getting the surgery. I never thought about this side of it – it’s restricting the baby so that’s not good either.”

“Look, they’re keeping a close eye on you, they won’t let anything happen.”

“I just want to hold him or her in my arms – that’s all I want.”

“You will, Eva, you’re doing great. You’re nearly there now, love.”

“I know – I just wish I could fast-forward a few weeks and have the whole lot over me.”

“Just hang on in there now, it’ll all be okay and we’ll have you and the baby back home again in no time.”

“You look wrecked, Noel. Are you all right?”

“I’m okay.” He was sitting forward, his elbows resting on the side of the bed, massaging his temples with his fingers.

“I know it’s tough on you, keeping it all afloat at home.”

“I’m grand. I’ll be glad when it’s all over though.”

“Me too.” The whole ordeal was taking its toll on both of us.

After Noel had gone home, I read my book for a while but I couldn’t concentrate so I closed it again and put it back up on top of the locker. Today was one of the days where I was having doubts about my decision, although I would never admit it to anyone. I knew by the whispering and mannerisms of the team looking after me that they were worried about me. I had overheard their conversations with Noel – out in the corridor because they didn’t want me to hear. But by now I was too far gone to change my mind. In for a penny, in for a pound. I would just have to ride it out. When I looked at Kate, full of her teenage angst and anger, or the innocence of the two boys, I would feel so guilty. Was Noel right? Had I put this baby before the needs of my other children? And God love them, they didn’t realise how serious it all was. In their heads this was something related to the baby and once the baby was born, all would be well again. I desperately hoped that they were right. My three children needed me. In my mind the risks had seemed small but now it appeared that I might be on the wrong side of the statistic that I was so fond of quoting to Noel.

Chapter 36

Doctor O’Keeffe came round on his visit the next morning. He pulled over a chair to my bedside and sat down on it. He never sat down – he always did his morning rounds standing up. Noel wasn’t in yet. He usually didn’t make an appearance until visiting time in the evenings, after he had the farm sorted out.

“Eva, with your consent we would like to deliver the baby this week. As you know from the scan your baby’s growth is being restricted by the mass so I don’t think there is any benefit to be gained by leaving him or her in there any longer.”

“When?”

“Ideally tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes. You are coming up to thirty-one weeks and usually babies born at this stage do very well. You have already had a steroid shot to help mature the baby’s lungs. Now, obviously, a baby born at this time will require a stay in the special care unit but there hopefully will be no adverse outcomes.”

“I see.”

“Regarding the surgery, the plan is to do a Caesarean section delivery followed by debulking of the mass all in the one go – there is no point in doing two lots of surgery. Now there is quite a high chance that a total abdominal hysterectomy will have to be carried out – that is the uterus and both ovaries and maybe the omentum too. Would you be okay with this or are you planning on any more children?”

“Oh, believe me, Doctor – I am done. You can whip the lot of it out for all I care.”

“Well, you do know that you will experience earlier onset of the menopause?”

“Ah, the change of life – sure I might as well get it over with now than in a few years’ time.”

“Okay, good – now, unfortunately, unlike most C-section deliveries you will require a general anaesthetic so you won’t be awake when your baby is born and Noel won’t be able to be present either. There will also be quite a few teams, headed by myself, involved in the surgery – an obstetric team to deliver the baby, paediatrics, and then the surgical team to remove the mass.”

“Sounds like there’ll be no staff left in the hospital!”

“Now how are your pain levels today?”

“I’m okay.”

“Well, tell the nurses if you need anything and try and rest as much as you can tonight because you have a tough few days ahead of you and you need to be as rested and relaxed as possible.”

“Relax – in this place? Are you mad?”

I told Noel when he came in later. He breathed out slowly.

“So it’s all systems go then?”

“Yeah.” Even though it felt like I had been hanging around here for ages, it still felt as though it came on quite suddenly in the end.

“Are you all set for it – do you have everything you need?”

“Well, can you bring in the bag with the baby’s stuff that I have in the spare room?”

“I’ll bring it with me in the morning. Will I be allowed into the theatre?”

“No – he said you wouldn’t be allowed in because I’ll be out cold.”

“Right, well, sure I’ll be here anyway for the moral support.” He reached for my hand on the bed and squeezed it.

“Thanks, love. I can’t believe that by this time tomorrow the baby in here –” I pointed to my bump, “will be born!”

We chatted about the kids and the weather and then June came around and gently suggested that Noel should head on home because we had a long day ahead of us tomorrow. He leant over and kissed me goodbye and said he’d see me bright and early in the morning.

I didn’t really sleep that night. I felt a mixture of nervous excitement because I had been waiting for this day to come for months now. Everything hinged on tomorrow’s operation and the results of that. I was just glad that I was finally getting the keys to get away from this limbo state.

The next morning, with Noel by my side, June helped to move me onto a trolley. Noel gave me a kiss on the forehead and said he’d be waiting for me when I came around. Then they wheeled me down to theatre.

Even though Doctor O’Keeffe had warned me, I was still shocked by the size of the team waiting for me.

“All this for me? I feel very honoured.”

“Are you okay?” Doctor O’Keeffe asked.

“Just a bit nervous, that’s all, but sure I’ll see you on the other side.”

“Of course you will.” And for the first time since I had been under his care he smiled at me.

The anaesthetist put the mask over my face then and chatted away to me so I relaxed and then he counted me out.

Chapter 37

I woke up in the recovery room and the first face I saw was Noel’s. His face was blurry at first but then the edges around me sharpened as I began to focus. He was smiling down at me.

“You’re awake!”

I smiled back up at him.

“Well done – we had a little girl!”

“A little girl – well, isn’t that great!” My voice was crackly.

“Here, have a sip of water.”

He held the glass to my lips.

“That’s better. How is she, Noel?”

“She’s a tiny little thing but she’s doing really well. They’re giving her some treatment at the moment to help with her breathing but they said she’ll be fine. She just needs to get a bit bigger and stronger.”

“Oh, thank God!” The relief coursed through me.

“How are you feeling?”

“Sore.” My whole body felt bruised and battered. My skin was on fire.

“I’ll go and get June. She said to call for her if you woke up.”

He came back into the room with June following behind him.

“How are you doing, Eva? You are hooked up to a morphine drip. If you want to press this pump here every time you’re in pain, it will help. Be aware it will send you as high a kite though.”

“Thanks – I’ve always wanted to try morphine – it’s the closest thing to heroin I’ll get. Do you know how the surgery went?”

“Unfortunately you’ll have to wait for Doctor O’Keeffe to find out about that – he should be around to see you soon.”

“Can I go to see her?”

“The baby?”

I nodded.

“Not just yet, dear. Wait for Doctor O’Keeffe and then we’ll bring you up. But, don’t worry, I was just talking to the special care nurse and she assured me that she’s doing really well.”

Doctor O’Keeffe came around a while later. This was the bit that I was dreading. I knew by his face that it was serious before he even started to talk.

“How are you doing, Eva?”

“I’ve been better.”

“Congratulations on your baby girl.”

“Thank you.”

“She’s doing very well, I believe.”

“She’s a little fighter by all accounts.”

“Well, I’m sure you want to know how the surgery went – we managed to debulk some of the mass but it wasn’t as successful as I had hoped. Unfortunately we had to do a total abdominal hysterectomy. In the meantime I will send the biopsy to the lab to confirm whether or not it is malignant.”

“Right, so it’s a waiting game until then?” Noel asked, giving my hand a quick squeeze.

“Yes, I’m afraid so – hopefully we will know more soon. In the meantime try and get some rest. I know it’s easier said than done but your body has been through a lot and an operation like that will take a lot out of you. You will be tender for a while too so just be careful getting out of bed not to put pressure on the wound.”

That evening they brought me up to the neonatal intensive care unit in a wheelchair. I was pushed along the vinyl corridor with my drip trailing beside me. I was still woozy after the surgery. Noel was beside me.

I was shocked by all the beeping machines and wires everywhere, the clinical starkness of the room.

“Oh God!” I shrieked.

“It’s okay – parents always get a fright when they come in here for the first time.” The special care nurse came over to me. “It looks worse than it is. You have to remember that all these machines are helping your baby. She’s over here.”

I was pushed along behind her and I saw my beautiful baby girl. She had a pink hat on her head and was wearing a nappy which seemed to cover up most of her tiny body, but otherwise she was naked. The needles and tubes sticking out of her were frightening. She looked lost – a tiny baby inside a huge incubator.

“Look, Noel, look at how small her hands and feet are!” All my other children had been born at full term so I had never seen a baby so small before.

“She’s small but perfect,” the nurse said to me softly over my shoulder. “She’s strong.”

“What will we call her?” I turned to Noel.

“Well, I was thinking of this while I was waiting for you to come round. How about Aoife? It means beautiful.”

“It’s perfect for her. Can I touch her?” I asked the nurse.

“Of course – she would love to hold her mammy’s hand.”

I slotted my hand in through the holes of the incubator. She immediately curled her small fingers around my index finger like she knew who I was. I wrapped the rest of my palm around her small hand and held it in mine. I felt such a surge of love for her – it was like my heart swelled again just like it had with the others. I thought of all the heartache and worry over the last few months but I knew I had done the right thing.

Chapter 38

I tossed and turned all night long waiting for the time to come when I would know the biopsy results. I saw every hour on the clock. I wasn’t sure what to expect but, from the sound of it, Doctor O’Keeffe wasn’t confident it would be good news. I tried to stay positive but it was hard in the early morning darkness when everything seemed so bleak. I almost welcomed the lights being switched on at 6 a.m. and the sound of nurses bustling around getting ready to start a new day.

A lady came in pushing the breakfast trolley. She put the tray on the table at the end of my bed and pushed it up towards me. The smell of the scrambled egg was nauseating – even the sight of the melting butter on the toast made me want to vomit. I pushed the table away as best I could without stretching my stitches.

“Morning, Eva – are you not in form for your breakfast this morning?” June came in sunnily and stood beside me.

It was the same every morning – sometimes I might pick at a slice of bread or have a yoghurt, but for the last few mornings I couldn’t face eating anything.

I shook my head.

“Do you want me to take it away for you?”

“If you wouldn’t mind, thanks.”

“Well, I know you’re anxious to speak with Doctor O’Keeffe. He has just started his rounds so he should be with you soon.”

“Oh thank God – the worrying and not knowing is a killer.”

“I was talking to the nurse on duty in special care last night and she said Aoife had a good night and they hope she’ll be breathing by herself soon.”

“Oh that’s good news. Thank you, sister.” My heart surged with love for Aoife. I longed to be able to cuddle her properly, away from all the tubes and wires and this blasted hospital.

She left me alone then and no sooner had she pulled the curtain back along on its track when Doctor O’Keeffe pulled it back and stuck his head around. My heart started thumping at the sight of him.

“Good morning, Eva. How did you sleep last night?”

“Not great.”

“Well, I hope you’re taking all the pain relief available to you?”

I nodded.

“So . . . I have your results here.” He tapped his folder. “Would you rather I waited until Noel gets in?”

“No! C’mon – spit it out. I’m going out of my mind with worry here.”

“All right. I’m afraid, as feared, the lab results have confirmed that the growth is malignant. I’m sorry, Eva – I truly am. What we’re dealing with here, is ovarian cancer. Our next step is to assess how far advanced it is and whether . . .”

I sank my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes. This was not what I wanted to hear. He talked to me some more about our next steps but I didn’t hear what he was saying and I didn’t even notice him go back out of the ward.

June came in soon after and fixed the sheets on the bed.

“How are you doing?”

“I just can’t believe it, I can’t take it in.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t good news, Eva – it always comes as a shock to get news like that. Is Noel coming in soon?”

Noel had been trying to come in to visit during the day since Aoife was born.

“He’ll be in in a while – Seán had a football final this morning so I wanted him to go to it – so at least one of his parents would be at the sidelines to cheer him on.” I could hear the bitter edge in my own voice. I felt I had missed out on so much over the last few weeks.

“Well, that’s good. Look, I know it’s not easy but try to stay positive, Eva – treatments are very advanced nowadays. It’s not like it used to be when the C-word meant a death sentence.”

“I know,” I said wearily.

“We’re just going to take you down for your scan now, dear.”

“Scan?”

“Didn’t Doctor O’Keeffe tell you? He told me he did – he wants to check for metastases to see if the cancer is localised to the ovaries or if it has spread.”

“Oh sorry, I just zoned out after he told me the biopsy results.”

“Of course you did, love. You’ve had a lot to take in today. Once you have the results of the scan back Doctor O’Keeffe will have a better idea of what we are dealing with and he can plan your treatment accordingly.”

I was glad I’d been alone when he told me – it gave me a chance to get my head around it before I saw Noel.

When he came in that afternoon the familiarity of my husband brought it all to the surface and the tears started instantly.

“What is it, Eva – is everything okay with Aoife?”

“Yes, don’t worry, she’s fine – she’s doing great.”

“Well, what is it then?”

“My biopsy results came back –”

“And?”

“I have cancer, Noel.”

“No, Eva – please tell me this isn’t happening. Oh Eva!” He broke down.

As he sat there, heaving in the chair beside me, it was unnerving.

“This whole thing is a nightmare – what did we ever do to deserve this?”

“I know, love, I know, but we just have to stay positive.” I knew it was a platitude but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. “Cancer isn’t a death sentence any more. There are lots of treatments for it nowadays.” I knew that I was copying what June had just said to me but I couldn’t think of anything else to say to him.

That evening Doctor O’Keeffe came around to give me the scan results. He pulled the curtain around me again. I was really starting to despise its old-fashioned terracotta-and-yellow floral fabric. Noel was sitting beside me and he reached out for my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

Doctor O’Keeffe nodded to me and then turned to Noel. “Good evening, Noel.” He didn’t sit down.

Noel mumbled hello.

“Okay, well. I haven’t good news, I’m afraid . . . the scan has shown secondary metastases on your liver and lungs . . . what we are dealing with here is an advanced form of ovarian cancer. I would like to treat the remaining tumour – the part we couldn’t get with the surgery – and metastases with further treatment asap, I’m afraid.”

I was too stunned to speak. From my limited knowledge of the disease, I knew that once cancer had spread to other organs it wasn’t good news. I had heard of people in Ballyrobin being diagnosed with cancer but when it had spread, that was it, it was curtains then.

“I would like to start chemotherapy treatment as soon as your body has had a chance to regain some strength after the surgery.”

“And then what?”

“We will then see how well it has responded to the treatment before deciding on our next steps.”

I looked at Noel, watching his whole face changing as it registered with him what the doctor was saying. It felt like they were words for someone else.

Doctor O’Keefe talked me through all of the side effects that I had heard about – nausea, exhaustion, susceptibility to infections, hair loss, loss of appetite – and I tried to make a joke of it, saying that the loss of appetite might be a good thing but they had both looked at me like I was daft so I had shut up pretty quickly again.

Long after Doctor O’Keeffe and his white coat had left, his words were still ringing in my ears. Noel and I sat in silence, ruminating over our own thoughts, and then one of us would speak and then we would go silent again.

We went up to visit Aoife, Noel pushing the wheelchair. I needed to be close to her.

The special care nurses said she was doing very well. She was breathing by herself now which was great for her prematurity but she was being fed through a tube until her sucking reflex developed some more. We watched her stretch out her little body, arching her tiny back and straightening her skinny arms above her head. I reached into her little world and gently stroked the soft skin on her hand and the downy skin of her arm. Metastases, secondaries, chemo – the words kept playing on a loop inside my head. I didn’t understand most of what he had said, only that it definitely was cancer and it had spread. And judging by his reaction it wasn’t looking good.

“You’re strong, Eva – you will beat this,” Noel whispered to me as we both stared in at our tiny baby daughter. “There is no way, after all you’ve done to get Aoife here safely, I’ll let you be taken away from us – no way. You’re like Aoife, you’re a fighter.”

“I hope you’re right, Noel, I really do.” The tears started up again.

He leant over me in the wheelchair and pulled my head in against his chest as if he could protect me there.

“Is everything okay here?” It was the special care nurse.

I pulled back from Noel’s chest and wiped my eyes.

“Yes – sorry, we’re going now.”

Noel wheeled me back down to the ward and helped me back onto the bed. Even that short activity had left me exhausted.

“We have to tell the kids,” Noel said.

“But they already know.”

“C’mon, Eva – they haven’t got a clue how serious it all is. They need to be told. If things get . . . worse . . . well, it will come as an awful shock to them.”

“Not yet, Noel – can we just wait and see how the chemo goes – there’s no point in worrying them unnecessarily. They’ve been through a lot lately.”

He sighed heavily. “All right, it’s your decision,” he said, putting his hands up in the air.

Noel brought the children and Mam in to see me the next day. They all wanted to see the baby and I felt awful telling them that they weren’t allowed into the special care unit. So instead they sat on various chairs around the bed.

After a few minutes I could see the boredom starting to kick in again. Seán asked me when I was coming home and I said soon. I could see Noel’s disapproving look from the corner of my eye. Kate sat there sullenly, with her Walkman on that she had got for Christmas last year. The music could be heard buzzing through the headphones so it must have been blaring. She had dark eye make-up on, thick-pencilled eyeliner and charcoal eye shadow – if I didn’t know her and just saw her in the street, I would find her intimidating. The contrast was harsh against her blonde hair and pale skin but I said nothing. I asked Noel to bring them all down to the coffee shop for a bit – he knew that I wanted to talk to Mam on my own. I could see the kids were delighted. They were fed up of this place. I couldn’t blame them – I was too.

“How are you feeling today, love?”

“Still sore and tender. I managed to walk a bit earlier on but I was knackered before I even got out of the room.”

“Well, take it easy now, do you hear me?”

“I just want to get Aoife and myself out of this place.”

“Well, you’ll both be able to come home soon.”

“I have cancer, Mam.”

“Ah no, Eva, no!” She pressed her fingers into my hands. It hurt.

I nodded and then I couldn’t help it, tears filled my eyes and started spilling down my face.

Her first reaction was to start praying and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it would take a lot more than prayers to cure me now.

I asked her to keep an eye on Kate. I knew she was a typical teenager feigning indifference but I also knew her well enough to know that she was finding this whole thing very hard.

I just needed to get well enough to be allowed home to get everything back on track again. Noel was doing a great job but he was being pulled in ten different directions between coming in to visit me, worrying about our new baby, keeping the three of them at home out of trouble during the summer holidays and then trying to run the farm so we could keep a roof over our heads.

Mam said another prayer before she left and blessed me with her rosary beads.

Chapter 39

The surgery had taken a lot out of me. I felt weaker than I had felt since the whole ordeal started. My body no longer had to support a baby, part of the tumour had been removed yet I felt at my lowest. I hadn’t expected that. Doctor O’Keeffe told me that he wouldn’t start the chemo until my blood counts had improved and I was a bit stronger. The time passed very slowly, the days were long as I waited in limbo until I could start my treatment to fight the disease.

I would go up and sit with Aoife and marvel at how much modern medicine can do for tiny babies. She was growing much stronger and I was allowed to hold her now and I would spend hours cuddling her in my arms. And I missed the kids desperately. It just felt like one hurdle after another. I worked hard at trying to get my body stronger. I would eat small amounts of food and sleep whenever I could – I didn’t have much else to do anyway.

After I had started my first round of chemo, Doctor O’Keeffe said there was no point in keeping me in hospital any more. I was delighted to be allowed go home after weeks of being on St Brigid’s ward. I would still be in and out of the hospital every day to see Aoife but she was nearly at a weight where they would let her come home with us soon. I willed her to keep growing strong. I just wanted to get some normality back into our lives. I felt if we could just get her home then everything would be so much better – no more driving to the hospital and back, nearly an hour each way, over bouncy bog roads.

I told Noel not to tell the kids that I was coming home because I wanted to surprise them. As soon as I got in the door though, I realised that things had changed drastically with Kate. She hadn’t been in to see me in two weeks. Her heavy eye make-up was only the start of it. She walked into the kitchen with a nose ring and nearly had a heart attack when she saw me in the room.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“Well, thanks for the nice welcome home!” I said sarcastically. “What’s that thing in your nose? I told you that you weren’t allowed to get one of those.”

“You can’t just come home after weeks away and start giving me orders.” She was angry and I knew she was taking it out on me.

“Oh yes, I can, Kate, I’m your mother. I may not have been around for the last few weeks but this is still my house and my rules apply.”

“‘My house and my rules!’” she mimicked.

I was only just home and I didn’t want to ruin it by getting into a fight with her so I let it go.

Seán and Patrick came running into the room and over to me and gave me big hugs.

“Where’s Baby Aoife?” Patrick asked.

“She’s still in hospital but she should be home very soon. She’s thriving now. She’s even taking her feeds by mouth, would you believe!”

“You won’t be going back there then, Mam, will you?” Patrick asked.

“No, love, that’s it now.”

Noel glared at me.

“How can you lie to them like that?” he said after the boys had gone off outside to play football.

“I didn’t lie.”

“You haven’t told them the truth! For all you know you might very well need to go back in. It’s not fair to only give them half the picture, Eva.”

“Ah stop Noel, I’m only home – I don’t want to fight with you. You never told me about Kate getting her nose pierced!”

“I know, I said I’d wait till you were home. She just came home with it last week – she never even bothered to ask.”

“She has some cheek, that one.”

“Now don’t be getting yourself stressed out about Kate, it’s not good for you. You heard what Doctor O’Keeffe said – you have to take it easy now.”

We were allowed to take Aoife home a few weeks later. She was still so tiny – she wouldn’t even have been due yet. We bundled her up for her first journey home. The cool autumn air had started to creep in. Leaves were falling from the trees, gathering in huge rusty piles begging to be jumped in. It was September so the kids were gone back to school and it was a relief to have order and routine back in our lives once again.

Kate and Aidan were still going strong. He would walk her home after school. She had managed to persuade her dad to let her go to a concert in Galway with him. I wasn’t happy about it but she wasn’t listening to me at the moment. It was like she was punishing me for my absence over recent weeks.

I continued going back to the hospital for my weekly chemo sessions. It was gruelling and exhausting and, even with the anti-nausea medication, Noel would have to pull over on the road sometimes to let me be sick into the ditch. My throat was raw from vomiting. It was tiring at the best of times having a newborn in the house. I knew that already because I’d had three of them, but doing it while going through chemotherapy was in a different league altogether. I would hear Aoife crying in the cot beside me at night and I wouldn’t have the energy to get out of bed to see to her. Noel was great and he took over most of the night feeds and Mam came over every day to help me out while Noel was out in the fields. I didn’t want to worry them but I wasn’t feeling any better, I was still in a lot of pain and I was having trouble catching my breath – the littlest thing would leave me breathless as if I had run a race. I would have to go into the bed and lie down and when I would wake up again half the day would be gone. My hair had started falling out after the second session – great big clumps of it came away in my hand one morning as I was brushing my hair. It was frightening. I immediately stopped brushing because I was afraid that I was making it worse but, even if I didn’t go near it, another bit would fall out. I’d find it on my shoulder or some on the floor. I would put my hand up and feel a huge bald patch on my scalp. I put on a headscarf and felt utterly ridiculous – it was like it spelled out ‘cancer victim’. There was no way I would go out in public with it on me. When Kate had seen it she started to laugh and then I had laughed too.

“You should at least get a wig, Mam.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right, love.”

Although I hadn’t exactly told Kate I had cancer, she knew I was having chemo. I’m not sure whether she understood what it actually meant. I had warned her that I might start losing my hair. I never thought I’d say I was happy to lose my hair but it was a relief to laugh with my daughter again – it had broken the ice between us.

I was trying to stay positive about the whole ordeal. I was due to have my last session the following week and then it would be back for the moment of truth where Doctor O’Keeffe would do another scan to see if it had worked.