Chapter 9

The weekend after, Ben and I decided to have brunch in Café Les Cloches down the street. It was a warm sunny day and we strolled along, Ben’s arm slung around my shoulders. We liked to do it now and again – it was our treat to ourselves on a lazy Saturday morning after a busy week in work. Anton, the owner, was from Lyon in France and had moved over to be with his English girlfriend Flora and they had set the café up together. Its pretty periwinkle-blue timber shop-front stood out on the otherwise residential street. Café Les Cloches was a treasure. It was tiny with seating for a mere twenty people inside but Anton had recently put some more seats on the pavement out the front to accommodate his ever-growing number of customers. Those of us in the know kept Les Cloches a secret for fear we’d never get a seat there if the rest of London found out about it. It was a busy little spot and had a reputation for its breakfasts. You needed to get there early at the weekends because it was full of people like Ben and me lounging over a long breakfast and reading the newspapers. I’m sure Anton was driven demented because the table turnover was so slow but that was why it was so popular. Sometimes you’d have to queue to get a table but we were lucky to see a couple getting up to leave just as we arrived, so we were able to get their seats outside in the sunshine. We sat down at the Parisian-style table and chairs, as people stopped on the street to read the chalkboard menu listing the daily specials. For once I was actually looking forward to the food and didn’t feel queasy at all. Maybe my nausea was finally starting to go. Our Polish waitress had taken our order and I had decided on the Full English while Ben had gone for waffles with fresh berries. He had asked her to leave off the whipped cream.

After we had eaten our breakfast, we ordered coffees – decaf for me, a macchiato for Ben. I always felt a bit pretentious ordering specialty coffees – I could imagine Dad’s voice saying, ‘It was far from macchiatos you were raised!’ And it was – coffee was unheard of in our house when I was growing up – coffee was for other people. Tea was what we drank and if you came to our house you were only offered tea – there was no choice in the matter.

Ben had the newspaper stretched wide between his toned arms and I was flicking through the magazines, which were my favourite part. We had been at a gig in the Old Vic Tunnels the night before and my ears were still ringing from the sound that had bounced around inside the old barrel vaults.

“See, you can get flights to Dublin for only £9 plus taxes each way,” Ben said as he read aloud from the paper.

I knew he was waiting for me to say something so I pretended that I couldn’t hear him and continued to read a review of some play in the Culture section. He just wouldn’t quit.

“Oh shit!” Nat said that evening as she rushed back into her kitchen. A cloud of grey smoke rushed out to meet us. She had invited Ben and me over for dinner that evening. She was really pushing the whole ‘get-to-know-Will’ thing – I had to resist the urge to tell her that we had already got to know him, and we still thought he was a dick. I knew Ben was dreading it as much as I was.

She was in a flurry as she slid her hands into a pair of oven gloves and removed the offending dish from the oven. She stood fanning the smoke with the gloves.

“I’m so bad at timings – this is the first and last time that I will be having a dinner party.”

Her hair was parted in the centre and plaited elegantly in two French plaits, which were gathered up loosely on the back of her head. She was wearing black peg-leg trousers and a long-sleeved silk blouse with delicate pearls sewn along the neckline.

“Need a hand?”

“Brill – Kate, could you stir that sauce for me, please? Oh and Ben, would you mind opening this bottle of red? I could do with a glass.”

“Sure.” He took the bottle off the worktop and started rooting in a drawer for a corkscrew. He uncorked it and poured them both a generous glass.

Nat sat on a stool and took a sip. “I needed that, I’m parched.”

“Where’s Will?” I asked.

“Well, I’m not sure – he should be here soon though.” She glanced up at the clock.

Suddenly she bolted up from the stool.

“Crap! I forgot to put on the potatoes!” she wailed. “Fuckedy fuck!”

We made ourselves useful while Nat busied herself peeling potatoes. I could see the worry lines knitted between her eyebrows. I knew she was wondering where Will was. It was nearly eight thirty and I was starting to wonder if he was going to show. I suppose that was one of the hazards of dating a married man – you never really knew if he would be able to make it to events you had planned together – his wife might blow him out of it at the last minute, asking questions about where he was going, or his kid might get sick. You probably could never fully relax.

At eight forty-five, Nat had to take the meat out of the oven.

“Damn it!” she said. The pork belly that she had been slowly cooking was now nicely charred on top.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “We can just cut that bit off.”

“I’ll just try and ring him again . . .”

Ben and I pretended to be deep in conversation while Nat phoned Will.

“There’s no answer . . . I hope nothing has happened . . .” She bit down on her bottom lip nervously.

“Don’t worry – I’m sure he’s on his way.” I rubbed her arm. She had gone to a lot of trouble for this evening – I hoped he wasn’t going to let her down. The table was set and the tea-light candles that she had scattered around the room flickered softly. Florence & The Machine was playing in the background.

Nat topped Ben’s and her glasses up again. The bottle was nearly gone now. I felt desperate for her. I wanted to go and give her a big hug. Plus I was starving and Pip was thrashing around inside me, complaining about the delay to her dinner.

“Do you think we should eat?” I finally asked when it was close to nine. I thought I was going to collapse if I didn’t eat soon.

“Yeah, I suppose we’d better – no point in letting it all go to waste.” She sighed.

Ben uncorked the bottle we had brought over with us and handed a glass to Nat.

Although she hadn’t said it, I had seen Nat phoning Will twice more but he hadn’t answered.

“Are you –” I was interrupted by the buzzer.

Nat rushed over to it and pressed the button to sound the intercom.

“I’m so sorry, Nat!” Will was panting on the other end.

She buzzed him up and went out into the hallway to let him in.

“I’m so sorry!” I could hear him saying to her over and over again breathlessly.

They came in the door then.

“Sorry, guys – I hope you weren’t hungry?” he said. “It was Noah’s birthday party today and of course some of the parents didn’t get the brief that the party was over at six and we couldn’t get rid of them. Cue fourteen overtired, screaming four-year-olds and, even worse, their hyperactive parents getting excited at the sniff of free wine and the chance to compare every mundane milestone in their kids’ lives! I’m so sorry.” He turned to look at Nat forlornly. He gently brushed a piece of hair out of her eyes. A look passed between them. Ben and myself might as well not have been in the room.

I wondered what lies he had told his wife to get here. ‘Sorry, darling, I promised to meet some of the lads for a few drinks’? Or maybe, ‘Sorry, darling, I’ve got to entertain some clients who are in London for the weekend’? I don’t think ‘Sorry, darling, I’m going to meet my mistress and her friends for a quick bite to eat’ would have washed somehow.

“Well, don’t worry, you’re just in time. We haven’t started yet. Here –” She handed him a glass of wine before hurrying into the kitchen to put the pork belly back in the oven to warm it up again. She started plating up the now cold starter of fried halloumi with cherry tomatoes. We all sat down around the circular table.

“God, this is good,” I said through a mouthful. “You can nearly taste the sunshine from those tomatoes. Where did you get them?”

“In the market up the road.”

“Did you see the footie today, Ben?” Will asked. He was necking back the wine – he’d only been here for five minutes and already his glass was empty.

“No, I didn’t get to see it – myself and Kate were out looking at buggies.”

After breakfast we had decided to tackle the minefield that was buggy-shopping. Ben had done a lot of research into the different types of buggies – manoeuvrability, ease of folding and tyre specs – but I, being a bit more shallow, just cared about what looked best. We had gone to a nursery store to road-test a few before we made up our minds.

An awkward silence lapsed between the two men.

“So how did the meeting go yesterday?” Nat turned to Will.

“It was a fucking nightmare. The whole thing is a mess – it ended up being complete carnage and old Smithy was shown the door.”

“No way!”

“But I told them that was what was going to happen – our customers don’t want to deal with a computer interface no matter how ‘real time’ it is. These are people that are investing a lot of money with us and they want to get a real person on the other end of the phone to answer their questions, no matter what time of the bloody day or night it is.”

Nat was nodding in agreement.

“We’ve spent millions on installing this system and no one wants to use it now!” Will went on. “The whole thing is a damp squid. I said it all along but Smithy was too far up the board’s arse for anyone to notice. It’s such a complete waste of money.”

“It’s ‘damp squib’ actually,” Ben said.

“What?” Will looked at him irritably as if he was a fly on his arm that he couldn’t manage to swat.

“The phrase – it’s ‘damp squib’ not ‘squid’.”

“Whoa there, teacher boy!” Will raised his hand to Ben. “Relax, would you, mate – you seriously need to get out more.” He put the glass to his lips and drank more than half of it back in one gulp.

We all sat in awkward silence until Nat pushed back her chair and got up to serve up the main course. I got up to help her.

Soon we were busy eating the overcooked pork belly.

“This is great, Nat,” Will said.

“Are you sure it’s okay? I won’t be offended if you can’t eat it.”

“Once you cut away the burnt bits it’s great,” I said.

It was after midnight by the time we finished the lemon meringue pie that she had made for dessert.

“That was amazing, Nat – I’m stuffed,” Ben said.

“You did really well – you’re not just a pretty face. Sorry again for being late, sweetheart.” Will put his hand over hers on the table and gave it a squeeze.

When Nat got up from the table and started clearing plates, Will stood up to help her.

“Can we do anything? I feel bad looking at you two cleaning up,” I said, standing up.

“Sit down, Kate – you’re our guests for heaven’s sake!” Will said.

Nat cleared the leftovers into the bin and then passed the plates to him to stack beside the sink. There was something about them working together, doing the most banal of chores. Even I had to admit that there was a certain tenderness between them.

To look at them there, they were like any ordinary couple that had invited friends around for a bite to eat and were now doing the clearing-up. I found myself wondering if Will helped out like that at home. I seriously doubted it – I’m sure, with his money, he had cleaning staff to take care of things like that.

When they had finished the dishes, Nat made Irish coffees for everyone, while I just had a regular coffee. I needed it – the meal had made me sleepy. I was trying hard to stifle my yawns. They sat back down at the table again and Will topped up everyone’s glass with more wine. He sat back and draped his arm over Nat’s shoulders.

I watched them, relaxed in each other’s company, as we chatted. The lamplight glinted off Nat’s hair so you could see its reddish tones. They were a good-looking couple – they matched each other in the beauty stakes. His six-foot-two height complemented Nat’s five-foot-ten. When you were out with them, eyes naturally followed them. They attracted attention wherever they went.

“Would anyone like the last slice of pie?” Nat asked.

“Maybe Kate would like it – she’s eating for two after all?” Will suggested.

“God no, I’m grand.”

“I love the way you still say ‘I’m grand’ after fifteen years living here,” Ben teased.

“What part of Ireland are you from?” Will asked.

“Mayo, in the west.”

“Do you go home much?”

I squirmed on my chair. “Now and again.”

I could see Ben looking at me open-mouthed. I shot him a look.

“My mum was Irish,” Will said.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, she was from this tiny little village called Inistioge in County Kilkenny.”

“Oh, gorgeous spot.”

“Yeah. We went over there once on holidays when I was thirteen and, coming from a council estate in Slough to a farm in rural Kilkenny, I thought we’d arrived in the most backward place on Earth. The first day we arrived I witnessed a man sticking his hand up inside a cow’s you-know-what to artificially inseminate her!” He laughed.

“Euggghhh!” Nat said.

“But it wasn’t all bad. I did have my first kiss there . . .”

“Oh yeah?” Nat said sitting up.

“Yeah, her name was Cathy. A fiery little thing she was – jet-black hair and cool blue eyes. She took no shit, did Cathy. She was a real eye-opener. I thought we’d do a long-distance relationship – y’know, wait by the payphone at five o’clock on a Tuesday because she said she’d ring, or write letters to each other – but my cousin rang me a few weeks later and told me she had met another boy from the town and it was ‘Bye-bye, Will’.”

“Ah, my poor Will!” Nat laughed as she tousled his hair.

They were so touchy feely. They couldn’t keep their hands off one another.

“Yeah, I was heartbroken, I really was. Absolutely gutted. There’s nothing quite like your first love,” he said wistfully.

“Do you think there’s only one person for everyone?” Nat asked.

“Hardly,” I said.

“Do you know what, Nat?” Will said. “I think there might be. I mean, I think that you can love a lot of people but there’s an ultimate one out there for all of us.” He smiled at her and there was a look exchanged between them. “But one wrong decision can change how things work out for the rest of your life . . .” He sounded sad.

“But if that’s the case what happens if ‘the one’ is living in a yurt in Outer Mongolia?” I said.

“Well, then you just have to hope that destiny intervenes and brings you together,” said Will.

“But what happens if ‘the one’ is already dead?” I said.

“I never thought of that,” Nat said. “God, that’s very sad, isn’t it? To think of someone spending their whole life looking for ‘the one’ and not knowing that they’re never going to find them!”

“Nah. I’m pretty sure there are lots of ‘ones’ out there for us,” I said.

“Thanks a lot, Kate!” Ben said, feigning indignation.

“Oh, you know what I mean . . .”

“You are such a cynic, Kate Flynn!” Nat said.

“No, I’m not, I’m just realistic. We can’t all be hopeless romantics like you.” I smiled at Nat who was looking very comfy cuddling up to Will.

Everybody was well on, Ben included, but I had hit the wall of tiredness. I couldn’t help myself from yawning. I tried swallowing them back but I couldn’t stop – it was like my body was trying to search out the last of the oxygen in the room. Finally I couldn’t fight them any longer.

“Sorry, guys, I’m falling asleep – I’m such a lightweight.”

“Well, you’re also nearly six months pregnant,” Ben said.

“Yeah, maybe we should start making tracks.” I yawned again.

“Really? Ah, that’s a pity!” Nat said.

They both saw us out to the door. Will had his two arms around Nat’s waist from behind and was lightly kissing her hair.

“Well, thank you for coming,” she said.

“No, thank you – we had a great time,” I responded.

They closed the door behind us and Ben turned to me and said, “Asshole.”

Chapter 10

On Monday morning I had a meeting with Charlie, the graphic designer we used whenever we needed to get artwork designed for our exhibitions. I wanted to talk to him about the booklets and the postcards. He was waiting for me outside the door of the gallery.

“Sorry, Charlie,” I said, rushing up and opening the door to let him in. Usually Nat was there first but she wasn’t in yet.

“No worries, I was a few minutes early,” he said.

He took a seat while I got myself organised. A few minutes later Nat came in.

“Morning!” she said breezily. “Oh hi, Charlie. How are you?”

“I’m good, thank you, Nat.”

She was wearing a burgundy dress with a repeating cat pattern, knitted mustard tights and brown suede ankle boots. Her hair was tied up loosely on top of her head.

While Charlie set up his laptop, I went down to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee.

First Nat talked him through the theme of Silence and what photos we would be displaying. Charlie flipped open his notepad to take notes. Then I talked him through the practicalities, the number of artists displaying work, the style of booklet we wanted, the colours and fonts. Rather than use a standard template, we liked to have it newly designed for each exhibition to keep it all looking fresh.

After Charlie had gone, I started work on the press release while Nat made some calls to a few of the photographers to discuss some more of the details.

“Thanks again for Saturday night, Nat. We really enjoyed ourselves.’ That pork was amazing.” I wasn’t lying – we had enjoyed ourselves even with Will’s arrogance. Although I still didn’t approve of her relationship with him, I was tolerating it for her sake.

“Yeah, it was fun.”

“Did Will stay long afterwards?”

“No, he was up with the lark.”

“But how does his wife not hear him come in?”

“They’re in separate rooms – you know that! She doesn’t know what time he gets in at – once he’s there when she gets up in the morning, she doesn’t notice. I hate when he has to leave me though, to go back to his family. It’s getting harder every time. Just for once I wish we could just wake up together in the morning without him running home at some godforsaken hour in the middle of the night.”

“It goes with the territory, I suppose.”

“I know, Kate, I’m just saying, that’s all.”

I knew it sounded bitchy and I felt contrite then. We were only just getting back on track again after our last argument about Will. I knew that I needed to leave my judgmental side out of it but I couldn’t just stand back and watch her get hurt. I could see that she was falling deeper and deeper for him. And the truth was that after watching them together the night before, I couldn’t blame her. He was so attentive towards her, it was easy to see why she had fallen for him. It was obvious that he idolised her and he was affectionate, kind and considerate. The only problem was that he was also married.

“But you don’t have to put up with half a relationship, Nat.”

“It’s not ‘half a relationship’ – it may not fit into a stereotypical box but that doesn’t make what we have together any different from other couples.”

“Come on, Nat, you just said yourself you’re getting fed up of sharing him with his family. It’s only normal to want more.”

“Well, he can’t leave his wife because of the kids and, as someone who grew up in a broken home, I have to say that I respect that.”

“Well, at least he’s not filling you full of lies.”

“He’s not like that, Kate. We get on so well. He always says that if only we had met at another time, things could have been so different.”

I’m sure he was full of lots of romantic nonsense when it suited him. Nat was a sucker for things like that.

“So you’re happy to settle for being the other woman then?”

“For the moment, yeah. I’m happy to just be with him and whatever comes with that I’m willing to accept. It’s part and parcel of loving someone, for better or for worse.”

I didn’t say it but they were the same vows that he once would have made to his wife.

Chapter 11

The following Saturday evening Ben had arranged to meet the boys for drinks – it was his mate Thom’s stag party so it was going to be a wild one. I had persuaded Nat to call over and we were going to order a take-out. I heard the buzzer just after seven. I buzzed her in but, when I opened the door, I saw she wasn’t alone. Another woman was standing beside her.

“Hi, Kate – this is Gill.”

“Hi, I hope you don’t mind me crashing on your evening like this?” Gill smiled weakly at me.

“No, not at all, come in.”

We all went inside and Nat and Gill sat onto the sofa while I rooted in the drawers for the take-out menu.

“You don’t mind if we have a glass, do you, love?” Nat asked me, holding up a bottle of Pinot Noir.

“No, not at all – we can’t all abstain.” I would have given my right arm for a glass of the red stuff. I knew I could have a small one if I really wanted to but then I’d just want more so it was better to have none at all. “I’m going to drink a small river though when this baby is born.”

“Bet you won’t,” said Gill.

“Eh, why not?”

“Women who are pregnant always say that but then when their little bundles arrive they are usually too in love to miss drink any more.”

“Hmmh, well, we’ll see.” I put two wineglasses and a corkscrew down on to the coffee table.

The others read the menu and then I ordered the food.

“Any word from Pete?” Nat said, turning to Gill while we were waiting on our food to arrive.

“No.” She sighed heavily.

“Who’s Pete? Your boyfriend?”

She nodded.

“Gill was let down at the last minute, weren’t you, darling?” Nat said.

“Yeah, he has to baby-sit his kids – his wife had to go to visit someone in hospital at the last minute.”

Ah, it was one of those ‘friends’, one of Nat’s mistress friends. I had been wondering why I had never met her before. Gill was attractive, mid-thirties, well kept, trim figure – probably from not having had children yet, brown glossy hair, nice tan – probably from using sun beds. It was easy to see why a middle-aged married man going through a midlife crisis would be attracted to her.

“Well, you don’t ‘baby-sit’ your own kids,” I said.

Nat shot me a look. “Oh, you know what she means, Kate,” she said wearily.

“I’m just saying . . .”

Gill looked a bit scared of me so I said no more about it after that.

The food arrived and we all tucked in. I was dying to ask her why she put up with the limitations of being in a relationship with a married man but I knew Nat would probably kill me. Just like Nat she seemed ordinary – there was no obvious childhood traumas or apparent lack of self-worth – but I didn’t understand why two beautiful women would sell themselves so short.

The girls called a cab after eleven and I headed up to bed myself but I was woken up after four by Ben’s loud snoring. He always snored when he had been drinking. He had himself wrapped up in the duvet and I only had an inch to cover me. I yanked it back out of his arms and turned over again.

The next morning I opened the window to let the smell of stale air out of the room. I left Ben to sleep it off and went out and started cleaning up the flat. We were rapidly outgrowing it – there just wasn’t enough room for all our stuff. I was a regular in IKEA, snapping up all their latest storage gadgets but I now needed somewhere to store all the storage. What was it going to be like when Pip arrived? Everyone knew that babies came with contraptions and all sorts of bulky equipment.

Ben finally roused from his slumber after eleven. I was sitting with my feet up on the sofa flicking through a magazine.

“It’s awake! How was last night?” I said, putting the magazine down.

“Good, I feel rough,” he croaked. He sat down at the kitchen table. “Have we any painkillers?”

“Yeah, hang on a sec.” I got up and rooted around the presses and popped out two tablets for him with a glass of water. I sat down at the table beside him.

“Thanks. It must have been a dirty glass.”

“And nothing to do with the ten pints you sculled back of course.”

“Leave me alone, I’m dying.”

“Rate it on the scale.”

When we had first moved into the flat we had thrown a house-warming party involving Mediterranean quantities of red wine. We had been horribly hungover for days afterwards. It was full on – the shakes and reactions slower than the last hour of work on a Friday evening. We felt dire for three days straight. That party was our gold-standard scale for hangovers ever since – we now rated all of our hangovers against it.

“Eight point five.”

“Wow, that is bad. My poor Ben!” I said, stroking his head.

“Ouch, that hurts!”

I laughed.

“It’s not funny, Kate!”

“Oh, I don’t miss hangovers. That’s definitely one of the pluses to this pregnancy business.”

I made him a cup of strong coffee and then threw sausages, rashers and eggs into the frying pan to make a big fry-up breakfast. Normally Ben was so health-conscious that he wouldn’t touch a fried breakfast but today he was glad of the greasy salty food to feed his hangover.

“So how about we do some baby-shopping today then – cross a few more things off the list?”

“No, Kate, pleeeeease, not today! Any day but today!” he pleaded.

“Don’t worry, love, I’m only winding you up. I’m not that cruel.”

That afternoon, I persuaded Ben to take a water-taxi down the Thames to Greenwich. There was a gastro-pub there that we both loved and I had been dreaming about their sausages all morning from before I had even got out of bed. The sausages I had cooked for breakfast hadn’t killed my craving. The weather was hazy as if the clouds were just too lazy to fully move off and let the sun come through. We walked up past the Cutty Sark and along the pretty streets until we reached it. We went inside the dark interior and sat down on a comfy couch in the corner. I almost salivated over the menu even though I already knew what I was having before I even went in the door. We ordered a battered cod with mushy peas for Ben, bangers and mash for me, and Ben also asked for a bottle of beer. The pub was full of thirty-somethings like us, catching up with friends over a hearty lunch. Finally our food arrived and we both tucked in. A couple came in with their dog who lay down obediently at their feet.

“So have you thought any more about going back to Ireland?” Ben said for what seemed like the hundredth time over the last few weeks as he cut into his cod.

I could feel my tummy wind itself ever tighter into a knot whenever he mentioned it.

“Can you just leave it, please, Ben?”

“Kate, you have to face up to it – you can’t run away from it forever. When was the last time you even rang your dad?”

“A few months ago.”

“No, it wasn’t! It was Christmas Day, that’s when!”

“Really?” Even I was surprised. I thought back over the last few months. He was right. It was now June – I hadn’t rung home in over six months. I’d had a missed call from Dad a few months back but I had forgotten to ring him back. I felt a pang of guilt then. Dad was getting on – he had retired from the farm and my brother Patrick had taken it on. I knew he was disappointed when I hadn’t gone home for his sixtieth the year before. The rest of them were all there of course.

I pushed away my plate of half-eaten bangers and mash. My appetite was gone now.

“Are you not eating that?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“But you’ve been banging on about the bangers here all day!” He shrugged, then pulled the plate over towards him and started taking my uneaten food and piling it all onto his own plate.

We went home soon after and Ben went out for a run. Unlike me, his conscience always got the better of him whenever he pigged out. I was feeling sleepy so decided to climb into bed for a quick snooze. I seemed to be spending my whole life catching up on precious sleep these days.

I had just got comfy when the buzzer went a few minutes later. I groaned, assuming it was Ben after forgetting his keys. I got out of bed and went down to the kitchen and pressed the intercom.

When I heard Nat’s voice, I knew there was something wrong. She didn’t just drop in, she always called first.

“What’s wrong? Has something happened?” I said as I let her in.

Her whole body was shaking as she plonked herself down on the sofa.

“Have you got any alcohol?”

“Em, I only have wine . . . or hang on a minute . . .” I checked the press above the cooker. “Vodka?”

“Vodka.”

I poured a generous measure into a glass, mixed it with some orange juice from the fridge and handed it to her. She took a big sip and exhaled loudly.

“Are you going to tell me what’s happened?”

“I saw him with his family earlier in Hampstead Heath.”

“Who? Will?”

She nodded. “I was cycling along and there they were, having a picnic.”

“Well, you did know he was married,” I said, trying not to sound too harsh.

“Yeah, but it was different actually seeing them in real life. The three boys were running around on the grass in front of them – I recognised them from photos on his phone that he had shown me before. Oh, it was horrible – it only really hit me there how young they actually are, I mean Jacob has only just turned one!”

“Did he see you?”

“No, he didn’t. I thought I was going to fall off the bike in front of them though – my whole body just went weak but I got out of there as fast as I could.”

“I’m sorry, Nat.”

“Just seeing them like that – it was such a shock, y’know?”

I nodded but I didn’t know. I wasn’t the one having an affair with a married man.

“I’ve been thinking about it the whole way over here. Who am I kidding? He’s married, he has children. I can’t do this to his family any more. It’s very different hearing about these people because then they aren’t real to you – you’ve never met them and you can distance yourself from them. If they enter your head you can block them out again but seeing them there like that with him playing happy families – well, it made it all very real.”

“Well, what are you going to do?”

“I can’t do it to them any more – to the three boys especially.” She took a deep breath. “I’ve made up my mind to end it.”

“Really?” I was shocked by her decision.

“Yeah, Kate, I can’t do this. I love him but it’s not right. I don’t want to be a home-wrecker.”

“I think that might be for the best, Nat,” I said softly.

“Oh God, I’m dreading it. It’s going to be awful – the thought of not being with him is tearing me apart but I think it’s the right thing to do – before anyone else gets hurt. I can’t do it to his kids . . .”

I was trying to leave my feelings out of it but secretly I was relieved. “You’re doing the right thing.”

“I’m going to call him tonight and tell him.”

“Will you be okay? Do you want me to come over?”

“No, I think I just want to be by myself if that’s okay? It’s something that I need to do on my own.”

“Okay, but you have to promise to ring me straight after and let me know how it goes.”

Nat rang me that evening as she had promised.

“So how did he take it?”

“Not good. He was very upset. It was awful.” Her voice was quivering.

“I’m sorry, Nat. Maybe he just doesn’t like not being in control.”

“No, that’s not it, Kate – he was genuinely gutted. He begged me to change my mind. It’s just so hard.” Her voice broke and she began to cry. “Why does he have to be married? Why, Kate? You were right all along – you said it would all end in tears and it has – mine.”

“Well, I don’t want to be right if that makes you feel any better. Look, are you sure you don’t want me to come over? You sound like you could use a tissue-holder?”

“No, I just want to be on my own right now.”

“I hate hearing you upset like this.”

“It just hurts, that’s all – knowing that both our hearts are breaking but we still can’t be together.”

That night in bed, I was lying back against Ben’s bare chest. He was reading his book and I was rubbing hand cream into the backs of my hands.

“I hope she’s okay?” I said again. “Maybe I should have just gone over there to check if she’s okay?” I sat up and turned towards him.

“But she said that she wanted to be on her own, Kate – you have to respect that.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I sighed, sinking back down on my pillow. “This is going to be so hard on her though – she really fell for him.”

“Well, you’re just going to have to be there for her and help her through it.”

“I know. I have to say, though, I’m very relieved – I was getting really worried about the whole situation.”

“Yeah, it’s hard on her having to go through this but it’s for the best – it could have got very messy if his wife found out.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I sighed and lay back against his chest and he hooked his arm around me as he continued to read his book. “Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m very lucky to have you – I don’t think I tell you enough.”

He put the book down and looked at me. He wasn’t used to such bursts of emotion from me. “Are you feeling okay?”

I laughed and gave him a kiss on the lips.

Chapter 12

The next morning, I pressed snooze on my alarm clock before I eventually dragged myself out of bed. I got into the shower and then dressed. I texted Nat to see how she was and to tell her not to bother coming in if she wasn’t up to it, I could hold the fort. When I was finished I blow-dried my hair and checked to see if she had replied but there was no message back from her, which made me anxious. She was normally quick to text back.

With a slice of toast in my hand, I kissed Ben goodbye and hurried to the Tube station. I held my Oyster Card up to the reader at the turnstile but the barrier didn’t open and then I remembered that I hadn’t topped it up. The man behind me sighed loudly so that I, and the whole Tube station, knew he wasn’t impressed with me. I felt the knots tighten in my shoulders as I moved out of his way and went over to the machine. Finally, when I had money on my card, I made my way to the platform and stood there shoulder to shoulder with every other weary commuter, all wishing that we were still in bed.

I came up from the Tube and, as I walked under the archway of the Ritz, I checked my watch. It was already five past nine. I hurried on half running, half walking, until I reached Jensen’s. I put the key in the door and went inside. I turned off the alarm, took the strap of my bag from around my neck and let it slide down my arm until it landed with a thump on the desk. I switched on the computer and while I waited for it to load up I went and made myself a cup of ginger tea. I came back out front and sat down and started filing away invoices.

A few minutes later I saw Nat’s head passing the window before breezing through the door. She literally had a spring in her step. I placed the folder I had just picked up back down on the desk in shock. As she got closer I could see that she was actually beaming. This was a very different woman to the one that I had spoken to last night. This was not a woman who had just broken up with the man she loved.

“Eh, Nat, but did you win the lotto or something between last night and this morning?”

“It’s even better. You’ll never guess what?”

“Go on.” I said nervously, picking up my tea. I was dying to know what had brought about this transformation.

“Well, a couple of hours after I got off the phone to you last night, Will showed up on my doorstep. He’s left her.” Her voice was triumphant.

“What?” I accidently banged the mug on to the desk with the shock.

“Yeah, I know! Can you imagine how shocked I was?”

“Wow!” I was stunned. “But I thought you said he would never leave his wife and kids?”

“That’s what I thought but I guess when it came down to it he just didn’t want to be without me.” Her face broke into a big grin.

“So he’s moving in with you then?”

“Uh huh – for the time being anyway – and we might look at getting somewhere else when things settle down a bit.”

“Jesus.”

She grinned widely as she took off her furry gilet and hung it over the back of the chair.

“Are you sure this is what he wants? I mean, it’s a big step leaving his wife and children.”

“I know, Kate, but I never once asked him to leave them. This was entirely his decision. Of course he’s a bit hurt and lost but this is what he wants so I’m going to help him through it.”

“And how’s his wife doing?” All I could think about was this poor woman who was probably falling apart right now behind the four walls of some big posh house in Chelsea.

“Well, Will said she was devastated . . .” She trailed off.

“I bet she is.”

“Look, it’s difficult for everyone involved but hopefully things will settle down soon for the boys’ sake.”

“Well, it’s going to be tough – I hope you know that?”

“Kate, please, I know things are going to get worse before they get better but isn’t it better for the boys to have parents who are happy instead of making each other miserable?”

“That’s not for me to say.”

“Oh Kate, just for once can you not at least try to be happy for me?” she said wearily before storming off into the kitchen.

I had to admit that this really had shocked me. This was the last thing I’d expected. I was obviously happy for Nat that he loved her enough to choose her over his family but, on the other hand, there was a family out there that had just been ripped apart because of her and it was hard to jump up and down to celebrate about it.

The rest of the morning went by with Nat and me barely speaking to each other. When I was going up to the deli at lunchtime, I offered to buy her a sandwich but she said she would pick something up later. So I went and bought my sandwich and took it to the park to eat it.

We didn’t really say much to each other for the rest of the afternoon. I heard her and Will on the phone making arrangements for him to get keys cut so I got stuck into tidying up the press release that I had drafted before sending it out. I needed to check with Nat to confirm if one of the photographers who had been a bit indecisive about coming on board had made up his mind yet.

“Has Darryl Jones come back to you yet?” I said when she was finished on the phone.

“Nope.” Her eyes were fixated on the brochure in front of her.

“He’s not interested then?”

“Nope.”

“So he’s definitely not going to do it?” I asked.

“That’s what I said, didn’t I?”

“All right! I was just checking.”

It was uncharacteristic of her to be snappy with me and I didn’t like it. She was my best friend but lately we just seemed to be constantly at each other’s throats and it was all because of Will. I was glad that I had to leave early anyway that day because I had a check-up in the hospital.

“Okay, well, I’m off so I’ll see you tomorrow then,” I said, picking up my satchel and slinging it around my neck.

“Bye.” She didn’t even bother to look up at me.

I met Ben outside the hospital and we walked to the antenatal clinic together. We sat down on the plastic seats in the waiting room and waited to be called. When I told him what had happened, he couldn’t believe it either.

“What?” He was as stunned as I was. “He left his wife and kids for Nat?”

“Yep.”

“So that’s it now? They’re shacked up together in Nat’s place?”

I nodded.

“Well, I hope Nat knows what she’s letting herself in for! The whole thing could get really messy if things get bitter. He’ll be dragged through the courts, custody battles, the lot!”

“I know, that’s what I’m afraid of – you know what Nat is like – she’s so soft, she’d never be able for anything like that.”

“Well, you can bet your house on it that his wife is going to take him to the cleaners and screw him for every last penny.”

“If we had a house,” I sighed wearily. “I can’t say I blame her though.”

All was going well with Baby Pip – she was growing away and doing everything she was supposed to do. It really was amazing every time to see her. I could never get bored of watching her. I could see her practising her swallowing. Her arm was over her eyes.

“I think your baby is a little camera-shy today,” our sonographer said.

Ben was leaning forward, studying the screen intently.

“Stop trying to peek at the sex!” I said.

He sat back on the chair again. “I can’t help it. It’s killing me not knowing!”

Chapter 13

“C’mon, we’d better make a start at hanging some of these photos.” I sighed wearily. The exhibition was taking place the following day and we liked to have the photos up the day before so we could spend the day itself doing all the last-minutes bits and pieces. I was sitting on the top step of the gallery while Nat was standing on the stepladder.

“To the left a bit,” I directed.

“There?”

“A little bit more. Stop.”

“There?”

“Hmmh, just a tiny bit to the right . . . hang on, stand back for a sec.”

She climbed down from the ladder and we both stared at the photo on the wall.

“Looks good to me,” she said.

She picked up another one and dragged the ladder across the floor to do the same thing again.

“Look, Nat, I’m sorry about the other day – of course I am happy for you but it’s just a messy situation.” It had been two weeks since Will had left his wife for Nat. We’d had another argument about it a few days before and we still weren’t really on speaking terms. We communicated where necessary about things for the exhibition or when an email came in from Tabitha asking about something but that was the extent of it. I just wanted everything to be normal between us again. I hated this constant battling between us. Even when we were speaking, all it took was one stray remark to get Nat’s back up and unravel the whole thing again.

“No offence, Kate, but no matter how ‘messy’ you think it is, it really doesn’t impact on you, now does it?”

“Well, no . . . I guess not.” I paused. “Please, Nat, can we just forget about it? I hate fighting with you.”

“Sure – it’s all forgotten about.”

But I knew by her tone that it wasn’t.

I set about sticking the vinyl of the artists’ names in the window while Nat was doing something up on the mezzanine. When she came back down the stairs, I offered to get her a coffee from the deli, my treat. I wanted to get myself a scone anyway. I was so hungry all the time these days. I would bring little tubs full of fruit and nuts or carrot sticks with houmous to work with me but inevitably I would have eaten them all by ten o’clock and I would be still hungry, so I’d have to run down to the deli for a scone to keep me going until lunchtime.

“Nearly there now,” the woman in the deli said to me as usual. She had been saying this to me since my bump became noticeable.

“Yeah, I’ll be glad when it’s all over . . .” As usual I forced a smile on my face. We had this same conversation every day. She said to me, “Nearly there now” and I usually replied with a variation on my standard response as above but, unlike me, she never seemed to find our daily exchange awkward or embarrassing whereas I was cringing at its predictability. In fact I think she enjoyed the repetition, maybe she was the kind of person that hated surprises. Maybe she liked to know exactly what was coming next in life, even in her conversations. The machine started hissing and splurting as she busied herself frothing milk. When she was finished, I chose a red velvet cupcake too because I knew they were Nat’s favourite. I paid for the lot and she handed me the coffee for Nat with my brown-paper bag and paper napkin. And I knew we would do the same thing all over again tomorrow . . .

When I got back to Jensen’s I handed Nat the coffee and cupcake.

“What’s this for?”

“It’s my way of trying to say sorry.”

She smiled then. “Thanks, Kate.”

I started spreading butter and then jam thickly onto my scone.

“I wish I was pregnant so I could eat all around me with no guilt.” She sighed as she watched me.

“There are matchsticks bigger than you! You’re tiny – I’m really starting to think you have body dysmorphia!” Nat always thought she was much bigger than she actually was. “Anyway eating for two is a myth, you know. You only actually need an extra three hundred calories a day when you’re pregnant.”

“What? But that’s not even a Yorkie bar!” She was horrified.

“I know.”

“But that’s not fair – I’ve been looking forward for years to making a complete pig of myself when I’m pregnant!”

“Yep – it’s cruel all right.”

“Christ on a bike, I’d go so far as to say it’s right up there with finding out about Santa!” She was tucking into her cupcake.

I decided to broach the subject. “So how’s it all going?”

She knew I was referring to her and Will.

“Great.”

“Has he seen his kids since?”

“He’s picking them up tomorrow afternoon.”

“I see. He must miss them a lot.”

“He does – that’s the hardest part. I know it’s going to be a difficult transition, especially for the kids, not having their dad living with them any more, but I just hope that she makes it as painless as possible for everyone involved.”

I didn’t say anything else. I was afraid we’d end up arguing again.

She left a little before six that evening because she wanted to run to the market to pick up ginger before it closed. She told me that they were having friends over for dinner so I told her to go on and that I would close up on my own.

When I got home that evening Ben was fuming. I could feel the tension in the air as soon as I opened the door. He was moving noisily around the kitchen, opening the cupboard doors and banging them shut again. He didn’t even hear me come in. He had been in good form when I said goodbye to him that morning.

“Who rained on your parade?” I asked, going to the fridge and pouring myself a glass of juice.

He swung around when he heard my voice.

“Sorry, love, I’m just having a bad day. How are you doing?”

“Want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

“It’s just this kid – remember the one I was telling you about that was falling behind the rest of the class even though usually he was right up there on top?”

“Elliott, right?”

“Yeah, well, you know how I had called his parents into a meeting today?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Except his parents didn’t even bother their arses coming – they sent the au pair along instead!”

“No way!” I was shocked that there were parents out there who would actually do that.

“At first I thought it must have been Elliott’s older sister but then she introduced herself as Annika, the family’s Swedish au pair! She must have been about seventeen and she really didn’t seem too interested in my concerns. I felt like such a fool. I mean, if they’re not concerned enough to turn up to a school meeting, well, then, why should I be?”

“Yeah, you should just let it go,” I said absently as I scanned through the post that Ben had left on the counter.

“But I can’t just leave it, you see? That’s the problem – it’s bugging the hell out of me. There’s something going on at home, I just know there is. I mean, to look at him he’s perfect – he’s always very well turned out and he has the best of everything, but there is something troubling him.”

“You don’t think he’s being bullied, do you?”

“Well, that was my first thought, but I’m with the class the whole time and I’ve been keeping an extra close eye on him in the school yard, but he seems to be fine with his friends.”

“So what can you do now?”

“Well, I can either give it another shot and ring the parents again or else I’ll have to refer it on to the principal.”

“Are you that worried about him? Are you sure you aren’t overreacting? I don’t know much about kids but don’t they go through, y’know, phases and things like that? He might catch up again in a few weeks.”

But he shook his head. “There’s something more to this, I’m telling you.”

“Hey, don’t let it stress you out.” I put the letters down and reached out to rub his arm.

“I try not to but it makes me so mad. It’s funny – this kid never wants for anything financially – he has the best of everything, yet he doesn’t get the one thing that he needs which is his parents’ time!”

“You really do care for those kids – they’re very lucky to have you as their teacher.”

His face flushed from my compliment.

Chapter 14

We spent the next day sorting out the final bits and pieces for the exhibition. We had the champagne chilling in the fridge and the glasses all washed and ready to go. I had managed to get the renowned photographer Kimy Flowers to launch it for us. He was always a supporter of Jensen’s anyway so he was happy to do it for us.

I pointed to a photo. “We need to straighten that one up a little more.”

Nat, who was closest to it, walked over and tilted it to the right slightly. “Okay now?”

I stood back and looked at it critically. “A bit more.”

“There?”

“Yeah . . . go on . . . that’s better. So how did his visit home go?”

Nat had been a bundle of nerves all day yesterday worrying about it – she was hoping it would go okay for everyone’s sake. I think she was still so surprised by Will leaving his wife for her that she was really afraid of something going wrong.

“Yeah, it went okay – as well as can be expected, I suppose. He picked the boys up and they went and played football in the park, they got something to eat afterwards and then he dropped them home again. He didn’t go into the house though – he stayed in the car.”

“Were the boys okay?”

“They were super-excited when they saw him waiting for them outside but they got upset when he was dropping them back home and they realised that he wasn’t going to be coming inside with them. They kept telling him that their mummy wanted to see him and asking why wouldn’t he come in . . .”

“Oh God, the poor little things!”

“I know, it’s so hard on them. Sometimes I just feel awful for being such a home-wrecker . . .”

I said nothing. It was true after all.

“Will didn’t sleep at all last night. He tossed and turned all night long. It’s really tough on him right now.”

“Ouch!” I said.

“What’s wrong?” Nat asked concernedly.

“Just Pip kicking the life out of me.” I placed my hand on my bump and tried to move the offending leg out of the way.

She smiled. “You’re very lucky, Kate, you know.”

“What – for getting kicked alive by my baby?”

“Well, it must feel very special to know there’s another life growing inside you.”

“Yeah, it is, I suppose. So have you and Will, y’know . . . ever talked about babies?”

“No.” She shook her head. “I guess it was never really on the agenda for discussion before – but now that we’re a proper couple . . . well, who knows? I really hope so, Kate.”

I knew that she wanted kids – she was more excited than me when she found out that I was pregnant – but I wondered if Will was done with that stage now. He had already done the family thing – he had just decided that it wasn’t for him.

I had to eat humble pie and admit that things seemed to be going from strength to strength between them since Will had moved in with her. Although she didn’t talk to me about him much – it was still a touchy subject – they seemed to be very loved-up. She said she knew that he was finding the adjustment hard but it was so good waking up every morning, knowing that he would be still in her bed. They were keeping a low profile in case they bumped into friends of his wife – they didn’t want to rub her face in it. I would overhear them on the phone during the day, chatting about what they were going to have for dinner that evening – or he would ask if she would mind picking up his dry-cleaning. She would go to the market during her lunch-break and stock up on fresh ingredients to make dinner – there was no Uncle Ben’s for her and Will. I think Nat was enjoying being able to care for him properly. They had already slotted into the cosiness of domestic life. I think they were also enjoying nesting in for the first time like every other couple does when they move in together. They would spend weekends lazing around her place – probably in bed, I thought to myself. She no longer had to grab snatched moments where he could sneak away – or plan their dates around his wife’s schedule. She had a proper boyfriend now and she was enjoying not having to share him for once. Nat was a positive person anyway but it was like she was permanently walking on a rainbow. Nothing could get her down. I knew that he must care for her or he wouldn’t have left his wife but I was still finding it difficult to accept that he was Nat’s partner now. I knew I had to put my feelings aside if I wanted to keep Nat as a friend but I still couldn’t forget the murky origins of their relationship.

I was exhausted when I finally put my key in the door that evening. Ben was sitting watching some cookery show on TV. He turned to greet me when I came in.

“So how’d it go?”

“It went really well. Kimy attracted a big crowd, like I knew he would and the gallery was full to the brim. We sold quite a bit of stock, which the artists were happy about. Tabitha should be impressed when I send off the report at the end of the week. I’m glad it’s all over though, I can tell you – it takes weeks to plan it and then it’s all over in less than a few hours.”

“Well done! Do you want something to eat?”

“No, myself and Nat had something before the exhibition started.” I plonked down on to the sofa beside him. “Did you get through to Elliott’s parents?”

“Yeah, I decided to phone the house this time so that they couldn’t avoid me. His mother answered but she was really noncommittal when I asked her if she wouldn’t mind dropping by in person. She actually said that she would drop in ‘at some stage’ when she was doing the school run over the next few weeks!”

“What is wrong with the woman?”

“Well, I said that if she didn’t make it a priority I would have no choice but to refer it higher up the line, so I think I managed to get through to her and she said she’d call in when she picks him up from school tomorrow.”

“Well, hopefully you’ll get to the bottom of it then.”

I knew that whatever was going on with Elliott was bugging the life out of him. He really did go above and beyond for the kids in his class.

Just then my mobile rang. When I picked it up to see who it was, I saw Dad’s number on the caller display. I let it ring out without answering.

“Who’s that?” Ben asked.

“Oh, it’s just one of those market-research companies – they rang earlier wanting me to take part in a phone survey but I was busy – I recognise the number from before.”

“Well, they really pick great times to contact people,” Ben grumbled.

We both turned back and focused on the TV.

Chapter 15

I could tell by her eyes that Nat was hungover when I saw her come through the door. She was pale and her eyes were glassy. She told me that she and Will had stayed up late over a few bottles of wine after she had gone home after the exhibition. They were still all wrapped up in one another, it seemed. I offered to go down to the deli to get her a proper coffee – I knew that the instant stuff wouldn’t cut it for her this morning.

The day flew past with people coming in for a browse. We had a well-dressed American tourist come in who seemed interested in a group of Sam Wolfson’s photos of Battersea power station with its iconic four towers reaching up to the grey sky, bleak black-and-white photos showing the landmark in a grim and pitiful manner. I walked over and enthusiastically talked him through Sam’s choice of lighting, angles and perspective.

“See, it’s taken from Chelsea Bridge. The photographer is Sam Wolfson – you may have heard of him? One of his pieces sold at our exhibition last night for over £3,000 – he’s very up and coming. We’re lucky that he started out here at Jensen’s and his work seems to be in demand. The galleries are falling over themselves to display his work at the moment. It’s likely to be a good investment piece in years to come.”

I couldn’t believe it when he said he would take all three. I secured them in bubble wrap and then wrapped them in brown parcel-paper and tied them up with string for him to take away. He thanked us profusely and went off on his way, delighted with his purchases.

“Hi, love,” I said as soon as I came in the door that evening.

Ben was sitting on the sofa – I looked around and saw that he hadn’t even started to make dinner. “What’s wrong?”

“Sit down, Kate. I need to talk to you about something.”

I did as I was told and sat on to the sofa beside him. “What is it? You’re starting to worry me now.”

“Well, you know that I had that meeting with Elliott’s mum after school today?”

“Sorry, I forgot that was today. How did it go?” My brain was gone to pot these days – it was like my body was too busy looking after Pip to put the energy into something as insignificant as actually being able to remember things.

“Well, I was correcting exercise books and I didn’t hear her come in until I saw a manicured hand with a bloody huge emerald stone stuck under my nose. She introduced herself as Thea Boucher.” He looked at me and paused.

“So?”

“Well, I told her to take a seat but she said she’d rather stand because she was in a bit of a hurry. So then I stood up because it felt as though she was talking down to me. Anyway I told her that I was concerned about Elliott because he had been falling behind the rest of the class, though he was usually one ofthe top performers. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘That’s why I sent my au pair to meet you. I don’t understand why you need to see the both of us though.’ So I lost my patience then and told her that I didn’t need to see ‘both of them’ – I needed to see her, as Elliot’s mother. Of course she took offence at my tone then, so I explained as patiently as I could that Elliot was making no effort – that, in fact, he had regressed. That he also had no interest in learning new songs and joining in like he usually did.”

“And?”

“Well, she said, ‘He’s a bright boy, maybe he needs more stimulation’ as if it was all my fault!”

“The cheek of her!”

“Anyway, I said that I agreed with her, that he was a bright kid but I didn’t think that that was the problem. So I asked her if there was anything going on at home? And as soon as I said that, her straight face lost its composure and I knew that I was on the money. And that was it – the poor woman broke into a million pieces in front of me. She sat down on the chair and the tears flowed. I didn’t know what to do – it wasn’t like I could exactly put my arms around her!”

“So what did you do?” I asked.

“I offered her a tissue from the box on my desk. ‘I’m sorry,’ she kept saying as she dabbed at her eyes. She said that was why she’d sent Annika her au pair to meet me – because she knew she herself would never be able to keep her emotions in check. So I asked her again what was going on and that’s when she said she recently discovered her husband was having an affair.”

Immediately an alarm bell went off in my head. It all sounded too familiar.

“Oh my God, Elliott is Will’s son, isn’t he?” I said.

Ben nodded. “When I thought about it, I remembered Will mentioning that he had a six-year-old son, that night we were in Ransan’s.”

I nodded. “So what did you do then?”

“Well, obviously I had to try and compose myself and act professionally. So I asked her if her husband was still in the family home, even though I already knew the answer to the question. But this is the worst bit: she shook her head and said, no, that she had thrown him out three weeks ago!”

“But Nat said that he left her!”

“I know,” Ben said, nodding.

“But Nat wouldn’t lie to me!”

“Well, someone is telling lies,” Ben said. “And I bet that it’s Will . . .”

“So you think his wife threw him out and then he told Nat he had left her?” I was fuming.

“Well, I wouldn’t put it past him and he would have needed somewhere to stay . . .”

“The bastard!” My blood was boiling. I’d known the whole thing about him leaving his wife for Nat was too good to be true. “Oh God, poor Nat, she’s going to be devastated.”

“So anyway, I said to her that that made sense because it was around the same time that I had first started noticing problems with Elliott. She got very upset then, saying, ‘God, I can’t believe this has affected the kids – I’ve been trying to keep it all together. I’ve been putting on a brave face and I thought the kids were doing okay but clearly not. I’m not good at anything – I thought I was a good mother but clearly I’m not even good at that. God, I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this – I’m so sorry, Mr Chamberlain – you must think I’m frightful!’ So I told her not to be so hard on herself, that she was obviously going through a difficult patch in her marriage and that it’s hard to keep it all together when you’re falling to pieces yourself. ‘That’s exactly how I feel,’ she said. ‘My heart is breaking because of what my husband has done, and then also because my boys are asking me when their daddy is coming home and I just feel as though I’m being pulled apart at the seams.’”

“Oh my God, this is just awful!”

“It gets worse . . .”

“Go on . . .”

“Well, then I asked her if there was any hope that her marriage could be salvaged.”

“You did not?”

“I had to, Kate –”

“What did she say?” I felt sick in the pit of my stomach, waiting to hear what he was going to say.

“She said that she hoped so, that she doesn’t want to raise the boys on her own and that they’re clearly suffering. She still loves him but she knows that he never really loved her in the same way and that it was probably her own fault because she had always hoped that he might one day grow to love her, especially after the children arrived. Basically she wants to fight for her marriage even though she knows that it’s going to be hard to trust him again, but that the boys have to come first.”

“Oh no!”

Ben nodded his head.

“So she’s going to take him back?”

“Well, that’s the impression I got. And it sounded as though it was her decision – like Will will do whatever she tells him to do!”

My heart broke for this woman but it also broke for Nat because this wasn’t good news for her.

“I felt so guilty watching her break down in front of me when all the time I’ve been complicit in her husband’s affair.”

“You didn’t know though.”

“It’s such a mess – are you going to tell Nat?”

“I don’t know what to do, Ben – she’s my best friend but this will break her heart. I can’t believe the bastard told her that he had left his wife for her!”

“What is he playing at?”

“Oh God, I really don’t want to be the one to have to tell her, Ben. This is going to kill her . . .”

“I know, Kate, but you don’t really have many options, do you?”

I stood up off the sofa, pulled my hands down over my face and exhaled loudly. “Shit!”

Chapter 16

I didn’t sleep that night, worrying about telling Nat and how I was going to break it to her. I took my time walking down the sandstone pavement towards the gallery the next morning, trying to delay the inevitable. I saw her outside, chaining up her bike.

“Morning!” she sang brightly as I got closer to her.

“Hi, there.”

We went inside and busied ourselves with our usual morning routine. My stomach flipped every time I thought about the conversation that I needed to have with her. After several false attempts, eventually I took a deep breath and came out with it.

“What school do Will’s children go to?” I tried to sound casual but even I could hear the nervousness in my own voice.

“Oh God, Kate . . . I’m not sure of the name of it . . . what do you want to know that for?” She used her baby finger to pull a strand of hair away from in front of her eye.

“Well, what are his kids’ names?”

“Why do you want to know, Kate?”

“I think one of them might be in Ben’s class.”

“Oh! Well, Elliott is the only one in school – the other two are in nursery.”

“Sit down, Nat.”

“Why – Kate, you’re freaking me out -”

“Will didn’t leave his wife – she threw him out.”

“What are you saying?”

“Ben is Elliott’s teacher. He had a meeting with his mum yesterday, Will’s wife – Thea – is that her name?”

“Yes, but –”

“He was concerned because Elliott was falling behind and he knew something was up so he called Thea in to meet him and she broke down in front of him and told him that she had thrown her husband out recently because she discovered he had been having an affair.”

Nat looked as though I had kicked her full force in the stomach. Her face blanched. “But how do you know she wasn’t lying?”

“Why would she lie to Ben – what reason would she have? She didn’t know that he knew you and Will!”

“Will wouldn’t lie to me.”

“Well, someone is telling lies here . . . look, there’s more.”

“What?”

“Well, she said she’s going to take him back – she sees the children are suffering and she wants to try and save her marriage for their sakes.”

“Well, then, why was he still in my place this morning, Kate? You’ve got this all wrong!” She looked at me despairingly like she was rapidly losing patience with our friendship.

“Well, it only happened yesterday so perhaps they haven’t spoken about it yet.”

“Kate, how can you be so vindictive? You don’t even know for sure.”

“But, c’mon, Nat, you have to admit it’s a bit too much of a coincidence!”

“I know you never approved of Will but this is a step too far even for you, Kate! Will wouldn’t do that.”

“But why would his wife lie to Ben?”

“Well, I’ll call him now then, shall I?” Angrily she lifted the phone and punched out Will’s number.

I looked away while she waited on him to pick up.

Eventually she left a voice message. “Hi, it’s me – look, can you call me when you get a second, please?”

We didn’t say much after that. I went upstairs and took Sam’s photos off the wall – we were moving him into the window downstairs as we were getting such a good reaction to him.

We didn’t really speak for the rest of the day. The tension was heavy in the air between us. I knew she was pissed off and I was starting to doubt myself. What if Ben and I had got this all wrong? Nat might never forgive me for it. I hoped I hadn’t just thrown away our friendship.

I saw her pick up the phone later. I presumed she was trying him again. I could see that she looked uneasy.

“Look, Nat, do you want me to go home with you – y’know, just in case?” I said when we were finishing up to go home.

“Oh I don’t think so, Kate!” she said, grabbing her bag off the desk.

I picked mine up too and put it over my shoulder. We locked up wordlessly and Nat unchained her bike and cycled off without even a goodbye.

Nat 2012

Chapter 17

I pounded the pedals on my bike the whole way home. All I could think of was fucking Kate and her stupid theories. Why couldn’t she just be happy for me for once? She always had to stick her nose in. And why the fuck was Will not picking up? We were supposed to be going out tonight but I hadn’t heard from him all day.

I breathed the city air deep into my lungs and powered on. I stopped at a red light, before taking off again when it changed. I went to go straight but the car beside me was turning left and he had to jam on. I stopped the bike just in time. He sat on his horn. Instantly I felt my temper rise.

“Watch where you’re going!” I roared at him. I could see him shouting back at me through the glass. I gave him the finger and got back up on my bike.

I reached my flat and opened the door. Will’s car was already outside. Well, thank goodness for that, I thought. I wheeled my bike into the hall and climbed the stairs.

When I opened the door and saw the suitcases, the same ones that he had used to move in just three weeks earlier, I knew. The expression on his face said the rest.

“What’s going on, Will?”

“I’m sorry, Nat – I’m so, so sorry.” There were tears in his eyes. “I have to go home.”

“No – Will – no – please don’t do this!” I begged.

“She wants me back – I have to go.”

“But why?”

“I have to – she rang me today to talk. The kids have taken the break-up badly and she wants me to come home.”

“But you left her for me – you can’t just change your mind three weeks later!”

“I didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?”

“I didn’t leave her . . .” He let out a heavy sigh. “She threw me out.”

So Kate was right. “But, but . . . you said, you said that you left her?”

“No, I didn’t, Nat, I never said that I’d left her.”

“But . . .” None of this was making any sense to me.

“She overheard us talking on the night you rang to finish with me. She confronted me then. After talking to you I was a broken man and I didn’t bother trying to deny it. So I came clean. I told her everything and she threw me out. And then when I turned up here with my suitcases, well . . . you just assumed that I had left her and I didn’t have the heart to tell you . . . I’m sorry, Nat, I should have been upfront with you.”

“So you came running to me then – oh, good old Nat will take me in, was that it?”

He shook his head and came over and put his arms around me. I pushed him away.

“No – it wasn’t like that. I wanted to be with you.”

“Wanted?”

“Want – I still want to be with you. The last three weeks, waking up beside you every morning, have been the best of my life – but I have to go.”

“So that’s all I was then? A roof over your head – a stopgap while your wife made her mind up about what the future held for her marriage?”

“No, Nat – that’s not it at all. That was never it. I love you, you know I do.”

“But you lied – you let me think that you had left her to be with me!”

“Because I knew you’d think I didn’t choose to be with you otherwise.”

“Well, you didn’t!” I was screaming now. I could hear my own voice shrill with emotion and it didn’t sound like me at all.

“But it’s you that I want to be with – you know that if things were different –”

“I never asked you to leave your wife! I was happy with the way things were. You didn’t have to lie to me, Will!”

“I know, Nat – if you only knew how shit I feel right now.”

“I had accepted that you would never leave your kids, so then, when you landed on my doorstep telling me that your marriage was over, I thought it was a dream come true – something I had never dared hope might happen! You’ve sent me up to the top of the world so I felt I was flying above the clouds and then brought me back down again, without the parachute!”

He said nothing.

“I just can’t believe you would do that to me. I thought what we had was special,” I said in disbelief.

“It was – is. Look, you have to believe me: if I had my time again, I would be with you and only you.”

“There you go again, why do you keep saying that? Look, it’s not too late, Will. You don’t have to go. Just stay here – with me. I know it will be tough for a while but you’ll ride it out – you’re strong.” I walked over and brushed his cheek with my finger. There was a faint trace of stubble. I ran my finger over the scar in his eyebrow from when he fell against the kitchen table as a child. I knew every inch of his face – what his face felt like under my fingertips. What he tasted like. How he breathed. Everything.

“But can’t you see? It’s just not that straightforward. We have three children together and she doesn’t want them to grow up in a broken home. Elliott’s teacher called her in for a meeting yesterday because he’s falling behind. It’s affecting them.”

“I know.”

“How do you know?”

“Ben, Kate’s husband, is Elliott’s teacher.”

“Ben is Mr Chamberlain?” he asked incredulously.

I nodded.

“But when did you find this out?”

“Only today,” I sighed. “Ben was telling Kate about his meeting with a pupil’s mum yesterday and they put two and two together and realised that the pupil’s mum was also your wife.”

“I see.” He ran his hands down over his face. “Fucking hell, what are the chances of that in a city of over eight million people!”

“Please don’t go, Will.”

“She calls the shots. It could never be any other way – it’s not my decision!”

“Of course it’s your decision.”

“I have to go, Nat – whatever she wants I have to do it.”

“No, you don’t, Will. No, you don’t! You’re a grown man so why can’t you stand up to her?”

“She has me over a barrel – she hasn’t told her father about what happened yet but, if she does, I can guarantee that he’ll squeeze me out of the firm.”

“But even if you go back to her, she still could tell her dad and what’s to say he won’t push you out then?”

“He wouldn’t do that, because it would injure her and the children. In any case, she won’t tell him – I know her – she’s too proud. And everything – our whole lives – is built around my job. If I go home we’ll go back to our charade of happy families and no one will ever know about this.”

“So that’s what it all comes down to – the prestige of your job means more than what you have with me – is that it?” I spat at him.

“It’s not that simple, Nat – you know that. It’s not just the job – we have three children together too.”

“But you can’t, Will, you can’t do this to me!” I was trying hard to digest what he was telling me. I started to cry then. I think it was starting to hit me. “Why did you marry her?” Tears of frustration and desperation spilled down my face because things were spinning so far out of my control. This was not in my hands.

“You know why. I had no choice.”

“Yes, you had – we all have choices in life but you wanted the glory of being at the top.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I did.”

“But you don’t have to keep on living by one wrong choice.”

“Yes, I do,” he said wearily. “My whole life is built around Thea – she’s my wife, the mother of my children, the daughter of my boss, the friend of my friends’ wives.”

“But money isn’t everything. You would walk into another job tomorrow. Surely love means more than a job?” I knew I was pleading, begging even.

“It’s not just a job, Nat – I have worked hard my entire life to prove myself and to get to where I am today – I have three children who I can afford to put through the best public schools and top universities, who can go on skiing holidays to Klosters in the winter, Sandy Lane in Barbados in the summer and to the south of France at half-term. They do after-school activities that I have never even heard of. They will grow up and marry people like them, who grew up with the same privileges that they had. I can give them all of that. They can have everything that I never had growing up. Love can’t put food on the table or provide the upbringing for my family that I never had, but money can.”

His words pierced through me. I slapped him across the face then. It just happened – I didn’t know I was going to do it. We both recoiled from the shock. I had never hit anybody in my life before.

“I suppose I probably deserve that,” he said as he put a hand up gingerly to touch his face.

The palm of my hand stung as the blood rushed to the surface of my skin from the force of the slap, so it must have hurt him.

“So that’s it then, it all comes down to money,” I said, my voice bitter.

“Please, Nat, I don’t want things to end like this.”

He reached for my hand. I could feel the roughness of his skin as I pulled away from his touch.

“I think you should leave now,” I said coolly.

I held open the door for him. He walked out the door with his cases. He stood there and looked at me.

“I’m sorry.” And then he turned and walked down the stairs.

I knew this would be how it ended – deep down I had always known it.

After he had gone, I closed the door and dissolved into a heap on the floor. I raged and I threw things around my living room. Bell X1’s ‘Eve’ was playing on the radio in the background. I had never listened to the words properly before but they seemed so apt now. Then I had to run to the bathroom to be sick. I sat on the cool white tiles of my bathroom floor, with my back resting against the shower door. I cried breathless tears that just kept on coming.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that because when I woke up I was still slumped on the floor and it was bright outside. My neck was stiff and sore from the angle that my head had been hanging at. I stood up, using the shower to lever me, and walked over to the sink and splashed water on my face. I stood staring at myself in the mirror, water dripping off my face. I looked terrible. My mascara had run down my cheeks leaving kohl trails, like something painted by a child on a white page with watery paints. My whole body literally ached for him. I had given him my heart and he had trampled on it.

On autopilot, I took off my clothes and got into the shower. I just stood there, letting the water drain down around me, unable to squirt shower gel onto my loofah or raise my arms to shampoo my hair. This was what happened when you opened yourself up to someone, I thought – you paid the price.

Chapter 18

I honestly never set out to have an affair. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I always thought that women who had affairs with married men were somehow weak and needy and even a bit dysfunctional. But I now know that we don’t choose who we fall in love with. My usual types were musicians, artists, that sort. The scraggly hair, unkempt clothing, that whole skinny-tortured-artist look did it for me. They were usually distant sorts and usually had their problems. But Will was the very opposite of all of that. He was loving and attentive – when I was with him no one else mattered. He wore suits tailored in Savile Row, white-collared dress shirts with cufflinks, silk ties and shiny Oxford shoes – in fact, he was the furthest removed thing from a tortured artist. He was a partner in a leading City investment bank. But he did have something in common with those other men, a roughness around the edges. He had a ruddiness in his cheeks and lines in his face that no amount of money could eradicate.

He grew up on a council estate in Slough – his dad was a plumber and his mum a cleaner. He went to the local co-ed school. He got the job in the bank through a stroke of luck. He had been selling cars as a seventeen-year-old when a banker came in to buy a car from him. The man had been so impressed by Will’s bolshiness that he had offered him a job as a junior trader. Will moved to London and had started on the floor alongside people with college degrees, but he had quickly learned the ropes. His aggressive nature stood to him and he wasn’t afraid to put in the hours. He was promoted to senior trader soon after, then to floor manager, and he continued to work his way up until he was made partner. It was where he had met his wife Thea. She was the daughter of the company’s founder and head of the board but he hadn’t known this when they first met. He told me that it was clear that she liked him from early on, so he had asked her out. They had started seeing each other casually for a while but it was obvious that she wanted more from their relationship whereas he wasn’t looking for anything serious. It was at the same time that Will had made up his mind to finish with her that she had dropped the bombshell of who her father was. He hadn’t had the balls to end it then. Will knew already that he didn’t quite fit in with the usual fuddy-duddy Eton-educated types that populated the top ranks of the company and he was afraid that if he crossed her, he could kiss goodbye to any chance he had of gaining access to the higher echelons that he so desperately craved. So their relationship had coasted along and he tried his best to make it work. He had wooed her with romantic gestures like punting along the River Cam and lunchtime picnics on the Heath. He had even surprised her with a once-in-a-lifetime holiday to the Galapagos Islands. Weekends were spent visiting her friends or licking arse on the golf course with her parents. He had asked her father for her hand in marriage soon after and then he had proposed. He told me that their wedding had been a lavish affair – there were more people from the firm there than from his own family but it suited him that way. Their honeymoon had cost more per night than most people in London spent on rent in an entire month. Two weeks after they came back from honeymoon, Thea had found out she was pregnant and then her father had finally made him a partner. That was the way it was.

We met when his firm had hired the gallery for a party to thank their clients. We did it the odd time, rented the gallery out as a venue – usually it was to friends of Tabitha’s or to some of our regular customers that enquired about using it. It provided some further income and also we sometimes sold photos during private events, so it was good for marketing as well. I was liaising with Will’s personal assistant to organise the details like the catering and the wine. I had been left open-mouthed at the wine bill – each bottle cost upwards of two hundred pounds but it seemed as though money was no obstacle for this company. After the guests had gone home, Will had come down to thank us. I had been struck by his tall broad stature and the twinkle in his eyes. I guessed that he was close to fortyish. He had a little paunch around the waist but other than that he was in good shape. He had given Kate and me a leftover case of wine to share – we had debated as to whether or not to sell it on eBay but then Kate had said, “Fuck it – when are we ever going to get the chance to try wine like this again!” and we uncorked a bottle, then another and another.

He had called me personally the next day to thank me for my help. The party was very successful and their clients had been impressed. He used the gallery a few more times after that for other events and I came to know him. Then, by chance, I met him in a wine bar one night and we got chatting and ended up spending the whole night together just talking. Properly talking. I had never felt so at ease with anyone before.

He told me from the start that he was married – he never hid it from me – but the chemistry between us was obvious and we both knew it was the start of something special. There was an intensity between us that I had never experienced before. We could spend hours just staring at each other, with neither one of us needing to speak. It soon became a regular thing and, yes, the sex was great – some of the best I had ever had – but there were also tender moments when I would lie against his bare chest with its sparse hairs that shot up randomly and we would just talk until the sun came up. It wasn’t the money or the glamorous lifestyle that attracted me – I can honestly say that none of that mattered to me.

The only way I could describe the aftermath of Will leaving was that I existed day to day. I went to work, I came home. I could still smell his aftershave on the sheets – it took me ages to finally give in and wash them. I went out with friends or over to Kate and Ben’s place to hang out. Kate had tried talking to me about it but it just hurt too much and I would change the subject. Anyway she had enough going on with being pregnant and everything. And, if I’m honest, I wasn’t sure that she really got it. I think Kate thinks that I have commitment issues. She always says that I choose men that are wrong for me. I reckon she thinks that I chose Will purposely because he was married but that’s just silly. She sees it as quite black and white, that I was just another mistress being cast aside as soon as the wife found out and in many ways I was, but I knew I meant more to him than that. I could almost see Kate trying to leave her judgment-hat off and just listen to me but she really thought I’d been saved more heartache in the long run. I knew she and Ben felt sorry for Thea and I did too – I felt sorry for everyone involved in the whole sorry mess – there were no winners. Kate kept telling me that I would meet someone else but I wasn’t looking for a replacement – I didn’t want to be with just anyone. I wasn’t sad because I was on my own, I was sad because I had lost him. She didn’t see that. I just wanted Will, not anybody else, just him. You can’t substitute one love for another.

I saw him two weeks later, just by chance, in a café. I was ordering a coffee to go and there he was sitting in the corner. I had to look twice. My heart had started racing and I could feel myself starting to sweat. He didn’t see me though – he was too engrossed in writing a message on his Blackberry. I was glad because it allowed me to stare at him for a few moments. I longed with every part of me to go up to him and for him to take me in his arms and hold me against his chest so I could hear his heart and whatever other rumblings went on beneath his skin. I desperately wanted to touch his familiar face. He was so near – I reckon there were about five metres between us. I knew I could just walk over there and in a few strides he could be back in my life again. It was that close. My heart said it was fate and that I should take my chances and go over to him. I longed to be back in his life even if I could only just have a small part of it but, instead, I had taken my coffee and left the shop quickly. I forgot to get my sugar.

If anyone had asked me if I would do it all again, knowing the way it was going to end, then I would have said ‘Yes, in a heartbeat’. The few months that he was in my life were worth the pain, rather than saving myself the heartache and never having met him at all. He had changed me. He was the first man I had ever truly opened myself up to. I now knew what true love really was and for that I was thankful.