I never wanted to see the complete removal of implants from the market. We wanted a safe implant and to ensure that women have the opportunity to make an informed choice about what they were electing to put into their bodies, especially for cancer survivors. We also wanted to shed light on a system full of conflicts of interest that was seemingly allowed to hide facts from consumers.
I fear that may never happen now. After years working toward these goals, in 2006, the FDA approved lifting the ban on silicone implants. This was quite a blow to all of us who had worked so hard to raise awareness and to ask for long-term research. I reflected on the disregard for what we’d been saying about how ill the devices had made us, how suspicious we were of the procedures, especially given the coincidental circumstances: the very scientists who’d performed testing, and the doctors who defended their safety, were often paid by the manufacturers to tell us there was no connection to our illnesses.
I couldn’t wrap my head around the conflicting information. The FDA supported the approval recommendation the panel made without the data the FDA itself had asked for. It felt like years of our work was for nothing. Then the FDA loosened the guidelines, allowing both companies to sell implants. When we met with the FDA to ask about the follow-up studies, they asked Sybil and me to continue to inform women and educate them on their choices.
We still work to educate and inform. I still receive e-mails from women who are ill, wondering if implants could be the cause. My hope is that this book sheds some light on a few events in a controversial and heated debate that taught me to question authority and ask again. I also learned that every individual has a voice, and finding yours and using it wisely can make a difference.
FACING THE MOUNTAIN
Similar to the feelings I’d had when I raised my glass to toast the courageous women and men in the implant movement, I realized what the experience has cemented in me. I was meant to learn how to make the best of a bad situation. The connection to a cause and the people affected was the journey, and “winning” not the destination. It was what it was. That revelation led me to where I am today.
Looking back, I realize I battled my fears and tears all my life, until I met the greatest challenge of all. Facing my fears head-on in a cause I truly believed in—one that affected me down to my very bones. It taught me I could speak up; I didn’t have to be alone; I did have a voice, even against those in authority.
Here’s something I wrote when I was twenty-one. It’s amazing how even that many years ago, mountains were such a metaphor for me:
Loneliness is a very sad thing. Everyone finds it on their path of life. But for some it is a rock to climb over. For some, it’s not even on the path and for others, it is a mountain. You can’t see over the mountain so you start to climb. I climb but it seems I get to the top and I fall down. I tumble with the rocks, sand and gravel which are my feelings, tears and hopes.
They swallow me up in the tumble. I am lost and again at the bottom of the mountain. I start to climb all over again. Maybe this time I will make it to the top. If I don’t, my soul and spirit will. They will fly away into the sky, leaving my body and mind behind to deal with the fears of the mountain.
Looking at this, I see I always had an inner strength to know I could fly, even when I felt I was falling down. My mountains of “stuff” ultimately brought me back to myself, my inner knowing. I listened from every level on the mountain and found my spirit. When I flailed and got swept up in the landslides of my emotions, I felt lost. Now it’s a moment-to-moment awareness of where I choose to stand on my mountain and how I look at every rock and boulder.
LETTING GO OF OLD APPROVALS
As much as I believed in what I’d done as an activist, after ten years of undiagnosed illness and fifteen years after explantation, I was even further from my goal of an acting career in Hollywood, which I had yearned for after leaving Walton’s Mountain. Now I know my path may not have led me to be a movie star, but it did lead me to find my soul and my spirit:
Some beauty here is still, some in motion. There is the stillness of the mountains, the rocks and trees high above us. The vegetation seems as still as the mountain it is attached to. Yet, we know it is growing. Silently, motionless. Lower we see the deer run, birds fly, ants roam and aspen leaves fluttering in the breeze. Motion and stillness coming together as one. Simply living and abiding each other. We as a race should strive to do the same. To live together in stillness and motion, aware of the other, living together in peace and harmony.
As I watch the water flow approach a boulder I wonder which way it will go and how it decides. In a moment I know. There is no hesitation with the water’s flow. It simply divides and meets up on the other side; the water effortlessly slides to one or the other side. Never pausing to make a choice. Simply going its own merry way. I must remember this when I want to stop life’s flow to pass boulders I see in my way.
MORE THAN ERIN
I learned to accept I would always be associated with Erin. I also learned to direct my life into other areas I was interested in. I had always wanted to try all aspects of filmmaking, including directing. Teaching acting for years helped me direct actors to performances. When I wrote my movie, For the Love of May, I decided to make a short film first as a teaser to the long form. Of course, I pulled all my “family” into the making of May. Wonderful June, my dear friend, produced it and asked all her own fabulous friends to help. My brother Michael, a director himself, came to work on the film.
May is about four generations of women who deal with the effects of waiting for Mr. Right. I asked both my “mothers” to be in the film. Patricia Neal was incredible as May, a woman who gets a call from a lost love she has pined over for fifty years. Nick and Nina Clooney let me use the image of their uncle George from a WWII still, and his bomber jacket is a beloved prop Patricia holds. He is Edward, the long-lost love. Rosemary lent me her version of “Sentimental Journey.” Michael Learned played Patricia’s daughter. When she heard we needed a house to film in, she let us use hers.
I was so scared something would happen to her gorgeous house. I was there the night before, putting away her valuables and breakables, and taping cardboard over her beautiful hardwood floors. I feared a light would fall or a camera dolly tire would scuff them, but Michael wasn’t worried at all. Just like a mom to support her kid.
As I mentioned, Alexandra Paul and Alison Arngrim were in the movie, with Annie LaRussa and Karle Warren rounding out the generations. I used Tony Becker, who was Drew in The Waltons, for a photo boyfriend. There was only one man in the film, so it was perfect that Jimbo was played by RuPaul. Out of drag. I loved the irony of that one. Ru is one of the most beautiful people inside, so he was perfect to play the spiritual counterpart to Alexandra’s Emily. He radiates incredible energy. I adore him. I had so much help on the film, it was a love fest all the way around. We shot on 35mm, and won several awards at film festivals. I learned so many wonderful lessons from May—gratitude being first on the list—and the project confirmed I adored filmmaking from the director’s seat.
MOSAIC OF LIFE
Adding filmmaker to my résumé reminded me that it’s never just one thing with me. I remember on a speaker’s tour for YAU, my friend Mitchell said, “So much has happened to you, you talk about so many issues, maybe you should pick just one to talk about.”
The same thing happened while I wrote this. People wanted it to be just The Waltons, or just lupus, or implants, or acting, or activism, but I am not just one element of my life. So, with this book, you get many facets of the mosaic that is my life. I have been a child performer, former child performer, nonprofit worker, filmmaker, wife, mother, blogger, activist, actress, writer, acting teacher, and producer.
And now I have a new role. I found my Mr. Right. I’ll tell you more about him soon.
MOSAIC IN MOTION
I found healing in communication and shared experiences, and decided I wanted to inspire others through the terrain of their own mountains and molehills, so I became a public speaker and workshop leader. As a certified life coach, I help people realize their true potential.
I never want anyone to be as terrified as I was. I faced so many situations not having a clue. I have combined my coaching and communication skills with acting techniques to teach “Acting for Life.” Not just designed for people in entertainment, my acting lessons are for everyone who needs a boost of confidence or just a push toward being the best they can be.
Another tile in my mosaic is my body image workshops: “Body Branding, Getting Comfortable in the Skin You’re In.”
In all the classes, seminars, and talks I give, my goal is to use my own experiences to prepare people for the most important role they’ll ever play: being themselves. All our lives, we audition for new jobs or deal with people and their emotions. I teach communication and confidence, how to look someone in the eye and sell yourself, a product, or a concept.
DON ON THE MOUNTAIN
After being a single mom for eight years, I feel blessed to have found a partner in life. Indeed, I found my own leading man.
Like Erin, I went through some interesting times dating—something I didn’t like as a teenager, and enjoyed less as a grown-up. One man dumped me because I had lupus, so you can imagine my hesitance to date. After so many years alone, I met my mate, partner, and love, Don, who is handsome, smart, and very funny. Like Erin, I had had heartbreak and I waited a long time to find love again, until I met Don and his daughters in 2004.
Don and I have mutual friends and experiences from throughout our lives. We were probably crossing each other’s paths numerous times, until the right time. Our first date was July 5 and we still celebrate our anniversary on that day. We met at a seafood restaurant and I had steamed clams. I gave him the first one, and that is our tradition now. We have the same meal and I always share the first clam with him. Is that goofy romantic or what? But I am a hopeless romantic.
I had always hated dating and this was no exception. I had a lot of support, though. If it wasn’t for my friend Scott talking to me on the phone the whole way, telling me I had to go, I might have turned the car around. I even had my friend Maria Calleia as a backup escape call. When she called during appetizers, Don looked at me knowingly and said, “Is that your exit call? Here, give me the phone.” Busted, I handed it over. Now, Maria has one of the quickest wits I know; so when Don answered with a witty barb, she was in stitches and they talked for ten minutes. When he handed the phone back, all I heard before the click was “He’s hilarious, have fun.”
We found out that we had been in all the same places growing up. My dad developed land in Orange County with automotive centers, restaurants, shops, and strip malls. One of his automatic transmission shops was in Buena Park. We used to go with my dad and walk to Knott’s Berry Farm when we were kids.
On our first date, we talked about Los Angeles, my being a Valley girl and Don being from the OC. Turns out Don knew the auto center, he ate at the same Love’s Restaurant where I went with my family, and even worked at Knott’s. As kids, we ate at the same coffee shops, the Van de Kamp’s restaurant, with the famous windmill, and he went to the Pop Shoppe on my dad’s property. We had been in the same places all our childhoods.
A few years before our first date, I was shooting a Macaroni Grill commercial. At 5:30 A.M., the trucks and equipment took over the parking lot as film companies often do. Don was an Ironman competitor who would swim, run, or ride a million miles in early-morning training. He was in that parking lot that day, hating that he couldn’t find a place to park. We laughed about it later, and I said he should have come over and said hello.
Our ninth date was to one of Miss Carolyn Grinnell’s Walton Fan Club reunions in Los Angeles. Picture this: Don has never seen an episode of the show. So here he is with the cast members and fans at a Walton reunion! There was memorabilia piled up on our table for me to sign. One was the cover of a TV Guide. He looked at me and said, “You were on the cover of a TV Guide?”
I don’t think he knew what he was in for. It was even more humorous to see the look on his face when he saw the paper doll book. “Yes, I am also a paper doll,” I said. It was refreshing to meet someone who had no idea who Erin was. He wanted to be with Mary.
When my brother John heard I was taking him to the reunion, he asked me, “Aren’t you pushing him a little?”
I said, “No way. If he can’t handle this, then he can’t be with me. Better to find out sooner rather than later.” Don was a good sport and listened to all the speeches and stories of how the show touched every person in the room.
I introduced him to Michael Learned at the beginning of the night. After dinner, she pulled me aside and said, “You’re going to marry him.”
I was shocked. “What? You don’t even know him. How can you say that? I don’t even know him yet!” She just smiled, knowing she was right.
I met Don a year before my mother was diagnosed with acute myelocytic leukemia. She loved that he held out his arm for her to hold when they walked together. She was always a lady and loved a gentleman, which Don is. When she was close to the end, he told her in a private moment not to worry because he was going to take care of me and Sydnee. I think she left this life feeling a lot better about my future after hearing Don’s reassuring words.
After my mom passed, it was a tough time. Don planned a trip so I could visit my brother and go to Sonoma to get away from it all. While we were at a dinner with my brother John, and my sister-in-law Beth, Don ordered champagne for us, then pulled out a beautiful diamond ring and asked me to marry him.
We merged our families. His daughters, Kylie and Robyn, and Sydnee all got along, and I felt accepted when Kylie and Robyn begged me to marry their dad. All three promised they would get along, clean their rooms, and never fight if we were together. They were young at the time. With three teenage girls, it was pretty wild at times.
Don’s also great with Sydnee. He has been supportive and a great sport living with all of us girls. My brother Michael said I should marry him quick before he realized he was living with four women. I always joke that Don and Sydnee get along better than anyone in the house, which was so important to me.
They do gang up on me when they watch the show, which I have now forbidden. Let me explain. Sydnee, who had not seen it, either, and Don started to watch The Homecoming a few years ago. Well, that was a big mistake. They got to the “I am not a prissy butt” part, and the howling began. In stereo, they would chant, “Mama, Mama…Mama, Mama!” You get the picture. Then they would laugh and go on to other choice Erin quotes. The television went off, and I don’t think either one of them has ever seen the whole movie.
The same thing happened with the DVD set of the shows. Robyn was watching with them and they decided to imitate Erin and Mary Ellen in one scene. We laughed, and I forbade them to watch any more episodes, but it didn’t stop the teasing.
Life is good and I am happy for us all. Now Sydnee has the sisters she always wanted. Having stepdaughters and merging a family is a whole other book, but we have managed to find fun, enjoy traveling, create new traditions, and have a true sense of family together.
On my first birthday after my mom left us, I was sad when I realized she would not call me at the time of my birth, as she had done every year. Knowing I dreaded the approaching hour, Don sent me flowers and signed the card from my mom. He is a good man who makes me laugh, holds me when I cry, and supports me to be everything I am. I am so glad to be a part of his life and have the gifts he shares with us. I could not have written this book without his love and support.
WHERE I SIT NOW
I feel blessed to have had so many great friends and family over the years. I still act, and having my great friend Kari Lizer, who created The New Adventures of Old Christine, create Mrs. Wilhoite for me was a true blessing, and I’ll be forever grateful. When Don and I got engaged, she threw the perfect engagement party for us.
I am getting to do more character roles now, and I love it. No more worrying if I have to wear a bathing suit. Mrs. Wilhoite is a mom at the school. She’s not tiny or a blonde, like the meanie moms. I joke that she’s a bit matronly. Not that I don’t worry about my looks and don’t have image issues. I think I’ll always wonder “Does this butt make my pants look fat?” As an actress and as a woman, I may always worry if I look fat. But today, I work with it differently.
In Christmas at Cadillac Jack’s, I played Madge, a sassy waitress with an ill-fitting bright uniform. I begged the director to let my eye shadow be bright blue to add an offbeat look.
A VIEW WITH THE MOUNTAIN
Through all my ups and downs, I searched for meaning, the why of it all, and my truth. I’ve stumbled and examined every rock, trying to get off the mountain, or at least move it. I worked so hard, I was exhausted. Mama Rosemary Clooney once asked me if I would ever stop searching, exploring, and looking for answers. I didn’t understand her question at the time, but I think it had something to do with sitting down and just taking in the view. I get it now.
I finally realized I didn’t have to move it at all. I can finally accept my mountain and where I am today, look back and learn from the people I loved and the lessons I learned traveling its many paths. I returned to myself and the valuable lessons of my life. I now embrace every path I took and myself in the process.
I am not perfect and I work daily to accept myself as a whole person who is a result of the combined experiences, good and bad.
When I was in my early twenties and first went to therapy, I believed I would be healed when all my emotions were gone and I didn’t cry anymore. I thought that would be success. Now I know it’s not about the emotions and challenges, but how I deal with them. I’ve learned about the storms of my emotions and how to avoid stepping into them. And that it is a daily, moment-to-moment process without any expectations of perfection attached. The long journey up the mountain, around and down it, returned me to my roots and what was inside me all along. I found the strength of my own inner Mary/Erin and allowed her to guide me. I listen to her now, instead of trying to change her. I love my inner Hog Body and my outer one. I work on accepting them both. Some days, the old voices rear their heads, but most of the time, I appreciate the journey that led me to my mountain.
Despite the disappointments I have felt personally and professionally, I have learned to trust people—even doctors sometimes—because I have learned to trust myself. I believe in people, the brotherhood of mankind. I still believe in the God-ness in people, that they and I will do the right thing if given a chance.
Through my own mountains and molehills, I finally found my inner strength. I learned to “Re-Me,” an attitude I’ve incorporated into the self-esteem and body image workshops for women and girls that I conduct around the country.
I worked long and hard to redefine how I saw myself and how I presented myself to the world around me. It’s been incredibly cathartic and healing for me to use my own experiences to teach others the repercussions of “negative branding.”
When I was young, there were virtually no resources for girls like me who were uncomfortable in their own skin. I struggled alone and was ashamed. In my workshops, I can share my lessons. Our thoughts and images do affect our lives in every moment. If our choices about ourselves are negative, that’s what everyone else sees and experiences. However, I discovered if we each begin with a more positive self-image, we then project that to the rest of the world. Once that new “branding” happens, we’re less likely to project or be perceived in a negative way. I see women change their brand and change their lives. They receive more positive feedback, interact more positively with themselves, and have a healthier outlook on life.
THE COLORS OF THE WIND
Indulge me while we go back to Walton’s Mountain for a few more memories, and I promise you’ll enjoy the trip. In the fall of 1992, The Walton’s Mountain Community Center opened in Earl Hamner’s hometown of Schuyler, Virginia. All the cast, Earl, his family, and the writers and producers gathered for the amazing event organized by Woody Greenberg. It was huge. This small, two-lane town was bursting at the seams that weekend. Over six thousand fans came out to pay tribute to Earl, the Hamner family, and the show. I heard they had to turn people away from the overcrowded town.
I was especially excited to meet the “real” Erin, Audrey Hamner, and see the other counterparts, the real-life people on whom our characters had been based. It was fun to see Elizabeth and Jason’s children. We talked and compared notes, such a rich history of family.
During the opening ceremony, a woman came forward and committed to starting an official Walton fan club. Carolyn Grinnell didn’t know what she was getting herself into that day, but she started what is still the Walton’s International Fan Club. It continues to grow and holds annual meetings, usually on alternating coasts. With our busy schedules, we cannot all make the trip every year, but whenever we can, we enjoy going back to Walton’s Mountain. The cast is still so close that when we are together, we have a blast. So gathering us all up to visit was also fun for our kids, who became like cousins.
My mother donated her wedding dress to the center’s memorabilia exhibit. They kept it on display for a few years, with a photo of my mom in the dress the day she married my dad, next to one of me wearing it as Erin.
The community center had brought us back to Schuyler to help raise funds for the center. It would be the first of many trips Sydnee and I looked forward to taking, usually in the autumn, my favorite time of the year, and it is especially spectacular in Virginia. Sydnee loved to collect the beautiful fall leaves and bring a bit of what she called “Jaginya” home with her to California. One year when Disney’s Pocahontas had come out, she told me, “I have to go get my colors of the wind, Mommy.”
Signing autographs all day was a lot of work, but we were honored so many people still loved the show and had an interest in connecting to our “family.” Fan club members came from as far away as the U.K. to spend some time on the “real” mountain where it all began. Over the years, we have gotten to know many of them and their own families. We now consider them our dear friends and visit with them off the mountain, too.
As you know, I had a lot of trouble with allergies when I was sick. I’ve told you about my animal allergies, which did not bode well for Sydnee getting the dog she dreamed of having. We had fish, red-eared sliders (turtles), and a few rats, but no dog for Syd. (Besides, I was never a big animal lover myself; perhaps the bone-crunching cow and the runaway mule had something to do with it.)
Because Sydnee has her own health challenges, she often felt like an outsider, different from everyone else. I felt she needed something to love her unconditionally, something that was hers, with no judgment or pressures on her otherwise tough days. We started researching hypoallergenic dogs. Poodles were high on the list; yet I couldn’t really see myself as a poodle person. We put our names on a bichon frise rescue list, but got no calls. Then we tried a rescue shelter. Sydnee fell in love with a little dog, but they decided she would “love the dog too much” and rejected us for adoption. Syd was devastated. I was livid these people let her bond with this little dog, let me put in a doggie door, came to inspect our home, and then said no.
As the Universe always works wonders when we allow it to, Scott Vestal, one of the fan club members who had become like family to us, wrote and asked if Sydnee wanted a dog. If so, he’d like to give her a poodle. What? Manna from heaven? Soon, our toy poodle, Runtie Schuyler Vestal, was born, and Sydnee was a happy girl. I am now not only a poodle person, I am a dog person. I love that dog like I never thought I would. He watched over me while I was sick and slept on my lap while I wrote this book. He taught me to open up and try love again.
We not only found new friends and became dog lovers, the fan club gave me another special relationship that filled a particular hole in my life. One night, we were all sitting around after a reunion dinner and I felt a wave of nostalgia. I shared with them how much I missed my dad, who had been gone for several years. I knew he would have loved these Walton reunions.
On the spot, Charlie and Marlene Kruger wrapped their arms and hearts around me, and Charlie and Marlene “adopted” me and Sydnee.
Recently I shared with Dad’s brother, my uncle Steve, how much I missed my parents. He encouraged me to talk to them to keep them close. I have found this worked, and I even felt they helped guide the process of this book. I finally realized I didn’t need to keep dancing; I had my dad’s love and approval all along.
When Sydnee was little, she played my daughter in one of the reunion specials. She didn’t know the difference between the show, the reunions, the Hamners, and the fans—everyone blended together as one big family to her. When we were headed to Virginia, she’d say hopefully, “Mommy, we’re going to see the Waltons, right?”
She was right. We are all the Waltons, really. The “Walton Way,” as the fan club calls it. The caring sense of community, family, and support for each other is something we all share, and it comes from the feelings Earl created from that mountain and that live in us still. Even though we stopped shooting over thirty years ago, The Waltons continues to touch my life—and the world’s hearts—daily.
I believe the closing voiceover from the episode A Wedding on Walton’s Mountain, narrated by Earl in his beautiful Virginia lilt, reflects the poignancy and mountain strength of the bond between all the families who were brought together by the show, and is a fitting end to this book:
“My sister Erin’s wedding is as clear in my memory as it is in my mother’s, although neither of us was there. And that fact has caused me to marvel many times at the power of the human heart over mere time and space. There was a special bond of love in our family, which brought us to that small church…that’s as strong today as it was then.”
My wish for you is to appreciate every lesson, and know you have the strength to climb your own mountain. May you enjoy every rock and difficult step, and remember you can always just sit and enjoy the view.