Chapter 1

Gratitude? I Think Not!

Now, it is generally expected from the author, after they ingratiate themselves with the readers, to say ‘thank you’ to those who may have contributed to shaping them along their journey through life, or perhaps to those who lent a hand with the publishing or editing etc. Who in their right mind would object to this? Surely there’s nothing wrong with expressing one’s gratitude to the kind and generous people who have helped someone to become the person they are today? And surely there’s no good reason to withhold gratitude or, worse still, not to even feel gratitude in the first place?

Well, herein lies the problem. Gratitude has to actually be felt in order to be expressed. Whether gratitude arises or not is contingent upon whether it naturally arises or is extruded by someone else from the source of feelings. Contrived gratitude is not gratitude! Now, I don’t generally find expressing my true feelings a laborious task, but what I am vehemently objecting to right now is the tacit expectation to give thanks.

Many of us fail to make the distinction between saying ‘thanks’ and actual gratitude itself, and, further still, are prepared to accept even the most perfunctory and unfeeling ‘thanks’, even though there might not actually be a scintilla of accompanying gratitude. We would all rather some ‘thanks’ than no ‘thanks’ at all, and I include myself in this because I can become quite enraged when I am not thanked after I take time out of my day to help someone in need. So, depending on what the reasons are, I suppose I am not immune to a little hypocrisy. It is, after all, very bloody annoying!

I can remember one time when travelling on the London Underground I stopped to assist either a foreign student or a tourist who didn’t know how to use the ticket machine. I slowly talked him through it step by step until the machine eventually dispensed his ticket. I was stood there gormlessly awaiting a ‘thank you’ that never came. He just picked up the ticket, didn’t even think to look at me and walked off. In the height of my anger, I yelled at him. Still no reply. He carried on walking and disappeared down the escalator. I would never see him again. Now, there are so many reasons as to why that young man didn’t thank me. Maybe gratitude just didn’t arise, maybe he was never taught manners, maybe it was just part of his culture, maybe he couldn’t speak English, maybe gratitude did arise but he felt too reserved to express it, or maybe, just maybe, he was having a demand avoidant moment where he was resisting the expectation to feel gratitude? I will never know. But gratitude isn’t solely about mechanically voicing the words ‘thank you’. If anything, it’s about feeling genuine and organic appreciation for something that brightens up one’s life even if for the briefest of moments, and there are many reasons as to why gratitude sometimes just won’t arise. Some parents, for example, expect their children to say ‘thank you’ to them as an automated response with absolutely zero regard for gratitude. Without gratitude, ‘thanks’ is nothing more than an impotent word.

If a child were to return home one evening after a long and excruciating day at school and their mother presented them with their favourite snack upon arrival, then I’m sure they would be delighted. The act would almost definitely elicit gratitude. But being delighted is not the same as being grateful; one must acknowledge the source of that about which one is delighted and express due appreciation. Let’s imagine that this doesn’t elicit gratitude, and the child doesn’t say thank you, proceeds to eat the snack, and eventually the mother prompts, or demands, they do it instead. I would argue that this would be a useless way of teaching the child about gratitude. The only outcome of this situation is that the child would utter some words and the mother would get what she wants. If the child had PDA on the other hand, she may not have even got that. I have found that gratitude is something I can only cultivate myself contingent upon my relationship with (and awareness of) external circumstances, and it is not something others can extract from me. Perhaps ‘thanks’ is just a provisional linguistic symbol of gratitude and ‘sorry’ is just a provisional linguistic symbol of an apology, and the actual symbols, or words, are irrelevant so long as the actual feelings are cultivated and, hopefully, thereafter expressed.

I have always instinctively done the opposite of what people expect of me; unless, of course, people expect me to do the opposite of what’s expected of me, which can be an even bigger problem. Some parents may resort to using reverse psychology in an attempt to get their child to meet a demand, but the child may be shrewd enough to see through this. Thus, the tacit expectation will override the direct demand. For example, I have been a passionate guitar player for many years and I can recall many a time when certain family members may have innocently asked me to play them a song. I wouldn’t for obvious reasons, but sometimes they’d think before asking and would say something like, ‘Hey, Harry! Why don’t you not play us a song?’ Ha-ha! Nice try.