Early Saturday morning, we headed to St. Mary’s again. Don’t get it twisted; Pops was still mad but this morning he hadn’t said anything else about what I did last night.
We stood in the long line full of men, women, and children. I never knew before how many families were homeless until we became homeless. As we moved slowly forward in line, I started wondering about the other people who were here. I saw a few little girls around Nyla’s age, a boy who looked to be about the same age as me, a few kids who looked no more than four or five years old, and women who looked raggedy, tired, and broke down. Some of the men looked like they hadn’t bathed in months, and they smelled like it too. What had happened to them? Had someone they loved died too? Did they get fired from their job like Pops had? Were they crackheads? That’s what I used to think about homeless people, that they were all crackheads. But my dad and sister and me weren’t like that. Sure, Pops drank a little, but he was still a good dad compared to some kids who didn’t even have a dad in their life, like Zach. Zach and his brother didn’t know where their dad was according to Zach. His mom was raising him and his brothers and sisters as a single mom. But they still had a house to live in, a place to keep warm, and all of that. So why couldn’t we go back to living the way we used to? I had a lot of questions for Pops. Thing is, no way would I ask him any of them. I was too afraid that he would get mad. He used to not be like that.
I wish Momz knew how bad off we were now that she was gone. I’ve heard some church people say that the dead know what the living are doing. If that’s the case why didn’t Momz make something happen for us up there in heaven. If she’s with God, seems to me like she could at least go to him and put in a good word for us, ask him to open some doors for Pops and help him get a job and us a decent place to live. Why wouldn’t she do it if she sees what we’re going through? This whole world is one big ball of confusion. Maybe I’ll understand it better as I get older, but for now I couldn’t manage to wrap my brain around any of what was going on in our lives right now. None of it made sense. Not heaven, not God, nothing.
I tried not to think about it anymore. I had enough to worry about. I helped Nyla get her tray and plastic fork and spoon while moving on up in the line.
I know I must have turned three shades darker when I saw guess who? Sierra! She was standing behind the long counter serving food. What was she doing here? Man, I wanted to crawl up in a hole and die. I looked at my Pops. This was all his fault. At that moment, I hated him. Hated him for having us in this terrible, terrible situation. I just knew I was going to be the laughing stock of Fairley High if Sierra had anything to say about it.
“Nyl? Oh my God,” she said right away. She had a weird look on her face. I guess she had to be shocked to see me in a soup kitchen line because I was just as shocked to see her serving food at St. Mary’s. As many times as we’d been to St. Mary’s in the past, I’d never seen Sierra. Man, what bad luck.
“Be quiet,” I heard one of the servers tell her.
“Nyl, what are you doing here?” she asked, as I came closer, ignoring what the server had told her. She couldn’t take her eyes off me and she almost missed putting a sandwich onto the plate of the person ahead of me. Her mouth dropped wide open and I could see her eyes buck. “Excuse me for a minute. I need to go to the bathroom,” she said to the lady standing next to her. “I’ll be right back.”
“Can you wait until we serve this group?” She looked at Sierra. I watched as Sierra shrugged her shoulders and then looked back at me.
“Wassup, Sierra,” I mumbled, trying to sound like I was cool and could care less. I couldn’t face her, so I kept my head down and hoped she wouldn’t keep talking to me. As bad as I wanted to rush out of there, I knew I wasn’t because this might be the only meal I would have for the day or for days. Plus, I wasn’t going to run off like some little girl, I was no wuss so I had to stand my ground. I had to suck it up and suffer the horrible consequences I knew would probably follow.
Pops stared back at me and nodded for me to keep moving forward. There were still a lot of people in line behind us and the soup kitchen only stayed open for four hours total.
Nyla was singing one of the songs that some of the volunteers at St Mary’s would sometimes sing while people stood in line to be fed. It was like she was in her own little fantasy world where nothing bad ever happened to her. But here I was, face to face with the girl of my dreams, the one who just yesterday I had made out with. Now here she was looking at me like I was. She placed the food on my plate, and then the rest of the servers passed out fruit, chips, and gave us our drinks. It was the most embarrassing moment in my whole life. How was I going to go back to school and face everybody after this?
“Aren’t you going to say something, Nyl Person,” she asked me while batting her eyes.
Say something? I thought. What else did she expect me to say, thank you Ms. Sierra for giving me some food? Did she actually think I was going to tell her or her sidekick thank you? She was out of her mind.
Jeesh, I wished I could up and disappear, but instead I forced myself to say, “Whaddup.”
“You’re…you’re homeless? I can’t believe this.” She elbowed the girl standing next to her who bowed her head and starting laughing.
“Nyl Person is homeless?” I heard the girl say to Sierra. “And he supposed to be your man?”
“He is not my man,” she snapped at the girl.
“Talkin’ about mad; I was so fired up. They were talking about me like I wasn’t even standing there. And Sierra was dissing me too. Yesterday she was all over me and today she didn’t wanna have nothing to do with me.
Sierra passed my plate to the girl and she gave me two sandwiches instead of one, like she felt sorry for me. Any other time I would have been happy to have an extra sandwich on my plate, but today was a horse of a different color as my mom would say. I was mad as hell, not to mention embarrassed and ashamed. They kept talking and then it looked like Sierra was laughing too.
“Sierra, Kirstie, enough of the talking. We have a long line of people to feed. Save the talking for when you’re finished,” some woman came up and told her. I guess the woman must have heard them or something, but it didn’t make me feel better. If anything, I felt worse because now it was like both of them and a couple of more teenagers were laughing at me with their eyes; if that makes any sense.
While the woman was preaching to Sierra, I couldn’t get out of the line fast enough. I quickly picked up my tray and walked off, leaving Nyla and Pops behind. I found a seat in the very back of the cafeteria, which wasn’t that large in the first place.
“Somebody you know?” Pops asked as he came and took a seat next to me.
“Only the most popular girl in ninth grade,” I answered roughly. “And the girl who was crazy about me…until now.” I looked at my dad with eyes full of anger and disgust. Any other time, I know he would have jawed me, but this time he looked at me and all I saw in his eyes was sadness. It was like maybe he finally realized how living like this was killing me, tearing me apart. How did he expect me to leave here, go to basketball practice, and pretend like none of this had ever happened? My secret was exposed and there was nothing I could do about it.
As hungry as I had been, now my appetite was gone. I looked up and saw Sierra and the Kirstie girl talking to each other while looking over at me. I know they had to be talking about me.
“Son, look I know how you feel. And I’m sorry. I really am, but I promise you, things are going to get better,” Pops said as he started eating his food. “Don’t worry about those girls anyway. You have too much to be thinking about, like getting your books, and doing well on the basketball team. Those girls will come a dime a dozen.”
If he was trying to make me feel better…well, let’s just say, he missed ‘cause I was mad as hell.
“Eat, son.”
“I’m not hungry anymore,” I said. “And you don’t understand who she is. You don’t know what’s going to happen when I go back to school. I have a feeling it’s not going to be good. She’s the most popular girl in the ninth grade and she likes me. I’m supposed to be her boyfriend, Pops.”
“I don’t wish anything bad on you, but you see what happens when you do wrong? You stole from me. You lied to me. And if she’s the one you stole money to go be with, now look at her. Look how she’s treating you. That’s why I told you, we have to stick together. We only have each other.”
Yeah, maybe he was right, again, but still how could he expect me to sit up in this place and eat? He must really be crazy or something. On top of that, he’s telling me not to be bothered about Sierra? He must have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager.
“You’re not hungry? Boy, you betta eat that food or pack it up or something. I don’t wanna hear you talking about you’re hungry later on.
I took a bite from one of my sandwiches then used some napkins that were on the table to wrap it back up. The other sandwich, I had never opened.
I didn’t look back in Sierra’s direction. It seemed like it was taking forever and a day for Pops and Nyla to get through eating.
“I gotta go to the restroom,” I finally said, and got up and left outta there as fast as I could. I went outside instead, and next thing I know Sierra pops up. She’s standing next to me.
“What are you doing at a place like this?” she asked.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t even look at her. I couldn’t handle it right now. This was so foul.
“Nyl, don’t you hear me talkin’ to you? Do you volunteer here too or something ‘cause I know you aren’t like, like one of them.” She looked around at some of the homeless people standing outside and turned her nose up at them.
“Yeah, we volunteer here sometimes.”
“Ohhh,” she answered and when I turned and looked at her, it was like she could tell I was lying.
“Me and some of the cheerleading team just started volunteering not too long ago. But, still, what you’re saying doesn’t make sense, because they told us that the volunteers can’t eat any of the food, because it’s only for the homeless people.”
“They didn’t tell us that,” I said. “Look, I gotta get back inside. Uh, I got to help clean up after they finish serving everybody.”
“I think you’re telling a big fat lie. I know for a fact if you volunteer here you can’t eat the food.”
“Look, stay out of my business already. I said we volunteer here, so get outta my face with that crap you’re talking. I don’t wanna hear it,” I snapped.
I walked past Sierra, leaving her standing outside with a funny look on her face. Why did she have to be the one, of all people, to see me here? I went to the restroom and hid out until I heard Pops calling my name.
“Nyl, you in here?” I heard him ask. At first I started not to answer but then again, I thought, forget it. If I don’t answer him, then I’m just going to cause more trouble for myself.
“Yes, sir. I’m coming out,” I answered.
“Come on outta there then. We need to get going.”
I waited until I heard him leave and I slowly came out of the restroom stall where I had been sitting on the toilet thinking about how miserable my life was. When I opened the stall door, the restroom was empty. I washed my hands, then drug myself back to the cafeteria where Pops and Nyla were standing next to the table we had been sitting at.
“Here, take your food,” Pops ordered. “Let’s go.” He put his hand on my shoulder like he was trying to make me feel better. It didn’t work.
I was glad that I didn’t see Sierra when we left St. Mary’s. I got in the Yukon and didn’t say a word. I was still too mad at everything that had happened.
When we got to Fairley, Pops tried to tell me again that everything would be all right.
“Nyl, when I say that things are going to get better, believe me they are. But still, you have to be strong in this situation, son. You have to suck it up and know that this is not how things are going to always be.”
I nodded, but I was so sick and tired of his crap. When was he ever going to realize that everything was not all right and it hadn’t been all right for the past year, and it surely hadn’t been all right since Momz died.
“Have a good practice, and Nyla don’t give your brother any problems, you hear me?”
Nyla nodded her head and then followed me as I got out of the truck and walked to the gym.
“Wait on your sister,” I heard Pop say as I walked off. “I should be off by noon and I’ll be back and get y’all.”
I turned and looked back at Nyla. She was walking slow like concrete was in the bottom of her shoes. “Come on, will you already?” I told her.
When we got in the gym, I warned Nyla to sit on the bleachers and not say a word, or else I was going to take that Barbie doll she loved and stuff it in the nearest trash bin. Yeah, I know it was wrong of me to threaten my little sister like that, but I’d had enough humiliation to last a lifetime, and I wasn’t about to have her embarrass me anymore by running her mouth around Coach or the team.
I already saw it coming. Coach Byrd was coming my way and the look on his face was one that I didn’t want to see.
“Hello, young lady,” he said and smiled at Nyla. His smile turned into a frown when he looked at me. “Come with me.” He walked a few feet away from Nyla and I followed. “What’s going on? Coach Byrd asked looking back at Nyla and sounding like he was about to go off. “I thought you had this worked out.”
I explained to him about my father having to work again and not having a babysitter. Hell, I was the babysitter. I usually don’t curse but this was one of the rare occasions when I wished I could curse out any and everybody who came my way.
“Coach, I’m sorry, but my Pops had to work this morning. I didn’t have a choice.”
Coach barked. “Well you already know she can’t come in the locker room. She can sit here in the gym and that’s it.” He turned and walked off. I looked at Nyla, rolled my eyes at her like she was the blame for my life being the way that it was.
“You heard Coach. You better sit here. Don’t you move and don’t say a word to anybody or else you know what will happen to Barbie, don’t you?”
She cowered and squeezed her Barbie doll close to her chest, gathered her coloring book and crayons and answered, “Yes.”
Nyla looked like she was about to cry, but I didn’t care if I did see tears in her eyes. The thing is, if I had to deal with her, she had to deal with me and it was going to be on my own terms.
During practice, I couldn’t get my mind off seeing Sierra at St. Mary’s. When practice was over and Pops picked us up, he drove to Overton Park and we sat in the Yukon doing nothing. I got out of the truck and walked around for a minute, but heck it was cold outside. I was about to go get back in the Yukon until I heard the beep letting me know I had a text message. It was from Sierra.
“ u didn hve 2 talk 2 me lik u did.”
“Then dont b all up n mine,” I texted back.
Wher u live?
Why?
Cuz I wanna no.
I gotta go. I texted her.
“U make me sick,” she replied.
“whateva.”
“I’m not ur girlfriend anymore. I don’t wanna boyfrien who dont hav a place 2 liv. U embarrass me.”
“4get u then,” I texted.
Dang, knowing Sierra, she probably couldn’t wait to broadcast it over the whole school. This was my first year at Fairley and already I was going to be the brunt of a lot of the kid’s checking me. I could feel it. My name and situation plastered all over FaceGroup, posted on Tweetgram and any and every other social site she and her little crew could possibly think of. God, where are you and why are you destroying my life?
“do u liv unda a bridge or n da park?” she texted.
I didn’t even answer her. I didn’t know what she was up to, but Sierra James had turned into somebody that spelled trouble for me. I could tell. I turned the phone off and headed back to the truck. I got inside the Yukon and tried to get some sleep.
“Y’all wanna check out a movie? We can go to the two dollar movie,” Pops suggested.
“Yay, yay, yah,” Nyla answered and started bouncing up and down on the seat like she was a basketball.
“I don’t care,” I answered. And I didn’t care ‘cause going to a movie with them was not the same as hanging out with my friends. Plus, anything was better than sitting up in the Yukon all day. Plus, I needed to try to get my mind off Sierra. There was nothing I could do about what had happened, so I was just going to have to suck it up.
When we got to the theater, there were a couple of movies I wouldn’t mind seeing, but Pops let Nyla pick out something.
“Yippee, I get to pick out my own movie.” Nyla clapped her hands and jumped up and down. Of course, she picked out some kiddie movie that was really boring and corny. If this was Pops way of paying me back for what I had done, then it was working. The movie was so bad that I wished I could have gotten up and walked out. But instead, I laid my head back on the seat and almost as soon as the movie started, I went to sleep. When I woke up, Pops and Nyla were laughing and talking. There had only been a couple of other people in the theatre so we sat around for a minute, and watched the names scroll on the screen.
“Y’all ready?” Pops finally asked and stood up to leave.
“I didn’t say anything. I just got up and followed him and Nyla back to the Yukon.
“Hey, Nyl.”
I stopped and looked around when I heard my name called. It was Juvaun and two other dudes from school.
“Hey, wassup Juvaun?” I answered and then kept on walking out of the movie theatre.