“I’ve come here to chew bubblegum
and kick ass…
…and I’m all outta bubblegum.”
Roddy Piper in They Live (1988)
Before you dig into this pile of notes, stray ideas, and hard-worn advice that some have generously called a “book”, I feel you need to be given some kinda warning.
First up: if you are looking for a basic strength or muscle-building workout, don’t pick up this book. You’ll find that stuff in the original Convict Conditioning. In that book, I let loose the goods on how convicts use bodyweight skills to develop maximum strength and muscle—especially the old school guys who were around before the weight piles hit the yards.
Since Convict Conditioning landed on the shelves, I’ve been asked lots of questions about stuff that go beyond the basics. Questions like:
• What about the extremities of the body? The neck, forearms and calves?
• How do I train the muscles at the sides of the body?
• What’s your philosophy for building strong joints?
• How do convict-athletes get so big on the prison diet?
• Do inmates have any tricks for dealing with injuries?
• What about mental training in jail?
The answers to all those questions are in this book. If you want to know this kinda thing, pick it up. (And preferably pay for it. I got bills too, dude.)
That leads me to a second warning to potential new readers. This manual is not like the thousands of other books about strength and fitness that you can find on the internet or littering the shelves of Barnes & Noble. Those books are written by guys with dozens of certificates, maybe doctorates, all with their own websites and Youtube accounts.
That’s not me.
If you want to be told s*** like:
• Lift weights
• Do three sets of ten
• Stretch
• Eat six times a day
• Consume lots of protein
Then you are wasting your time reading this book. I don’t say any of that—in fact, the stuff that comes out of my mouth is, very often, the exact opposite of what the modern fitness scene thinks is acceptable. (That’s why it works.)
I’ll say it straight. I’m not certificated, I’m not officially ranked, and you won’t find me on Youtube. I don’t pretend to have degrees in nutrition or kinesiology. If you are looking for all that, you won’t get it here.
I learnt what I learnt behind bars. I spent nearly twenty years total in some of the toughest prisons in America. I’m not proud of it, and I don’t want to glamorize it, but there it is. I can’t teach you anything about the latest exercise machines, current studies in nutrition or biochemistry, or even the new workout fashions.
I’m not claiming that I can tell you stuff “experts” and personal trainers will agree with, and I’m not trying to be contentious. I’m just trying to teach you—in the best way I can—about all the stuff I picked up on the inside.
Bear this in mind when you read this book, and don’t get too hot and sweaty about the controversial stuff. I just ask that you read it. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t take it too seriously. If you do like what you see in these pages, then try it, test, it, use it.
It worked for us. Who knows? It might work for you too.
Paul Wade