The North Parade. [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
ABSOLUTE ’Tis just as Fag told me, indeed. Whimsical enough, faith! My father wants to force me to marry the very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my connection with her yet awhile. He has too summary a method of proceeding in these matters. However, I’ll read my recantation instantly. My conversion is something sudden, indeed — but I can assure him it is very sincere. So, so — here he comes. He looks plaguy gruff. [Steps aside.]
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]
Sir ANTHONY No — I’ll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I’ll live these fifty years to plague him. At our last meeting, his impudence had almost put me out of temper. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and sisters! — for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment, and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I have done with him; he’s anybody’s son for me. I never will see him more, never — never — never.
ABSOLUTE
[Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.
Sir ANTHONY
Fellow, get out of my way!
ABSOLUTE
Sir, you see a penitent before you.
Sir ANTHONY
I see an impudent scoundrel before me.
ABSOLUTE A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit entirely to your will.
Sir ANTHONY
What’s that?
ABSOLUTE I have been revolving, and reflecting, and considering on your past goodness, and kindness, and condescension to me.
Sir ANTHONY
Well, sir?
ABSOLUTE I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.
Sir ANTHONY
Well, puppy?
ABSOLUTE Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is — a resolution to sacrifice every inclination of my own to your satisfaction.
Sir ANTHONY Why now you talk sense — absolute sense — I never heard anything more sensible in my life. Confound you! you shall be Jack again.
ABSOLUTE
I am happy in the appellation.
Sir ANTHONY Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is. Nothing but your passion and violence, you silly fellow, prevented my telling you at first. Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture — prepare. What think you of Miss Lydia Languish?
ABSOLUTE
Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?
Sir ANTHONY
Worcestershire! no. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,
Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last
ordered to your regiment?
ABSOLUTE
Malaprop! Languish! I don’t remember ever to have heard the names
before. Yet, stay — I think I do recollect something. Languish!
Languish! She squints, don’t she? A little red-haired girl?
Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no.
ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can’t be the same person.
Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?
ABSOLUTE As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, ’tis all I desire.
Sir ANTHONY Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! not a glance but speaks and kindles some thought of love! Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing at the insinuations of her tell-tale eyes! Then, Jack, her lips! O, Jack, lips smiling at their own discretion; and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting; more lovely in sullenness!
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] That’s she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.
Sir ANTHONY
Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!
ABSOLUTE
And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?
Sir ANTHONY Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy, I despise you! When I was of your age, such a description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt indeed! Odds life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched anything old or ugly to gain an empire.
ABSOLUTE
Not to please your father, sir?
Sir ANTHONY To please my father! zounds! not to please — Oh, my father — odd so! — yes — yes; if my father indeed had desired — that’s quite another matter. Though he wa’n’t the indulgent father that I am, Jack.
ABSOLUTE
I dare say not, sir.
Sir ANTHONY
But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?
ABSOLUTE Sir, I repeat it — if I please you in this affair, ’tis all I desire. Not that I think a woman the worse for being handsome; but, sir, if you please to recollect, you before hinted something about a hump or two, one eye, and a few more graces of that kind — now, without being very nice, I own I should rather choose a wife of mine to have the usual number of limbs, and a limited quantity of back: and though one eye may be very agreeable, yet as the prejudice has always run in favour of two, I would not wish to affect a singularity in that article.
Sir ANTHONY What a phlegmatic sot it is! Why, sirrah, you’re an anchorite! — a vile, insensible stock. You a soldier! — you’re a walking block, fit only to dust the company’s regimentals on! Odds life! I have a great mind to marry the girl myself!
ABSOLUTE I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing Miss Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or if you should change your mind, and take the old lady— ’tis the same to me — I’ll marry the niece.
Sir ANTHONY Upon my word, Jack, thou’rt either a very great hypocrite, or — but, come, I know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie — I’m sure it must — come, now — damn your demure face! — come, confess Jack — you have been lying, ha’n’t you? You have been playing the hypocrite, hey! — I’ll never forgive you, if you ha’n’t been lying and playing the hypocrite.
ABSOLUTE I’m sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so mistaken.
Sir ANTHONY Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I’ll write a note to Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Her eyes shall be the Promethean torch to you — come along, I’ll never forgive you, if you don’t come back stark mad with rapture and impatience — if you don’t, egad, I will marry the girl myself!
[Exeunt.]