The North Parade. [Enter Sir LUCIUS O’TRIGGER.]
Sir LUCIUS I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience! these officers are always in one’s way in love affairs: — I remember I might have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a little rogue of a major, who ran away with her before she could get a sight of me! And I wonder too what it is the ladies can see in them to be so fond of them — unless it be a touch of the old serpent in ’em, that makes the little creatures be caught, like vipers, with a bit of red cloth. Ha! isn’t this the captain coming? — faith it is! — There is a probability of succeeding about that fellow, that is mighty provoking! Who the devil is he talking to? [Steps aside.]
[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
ABSOLUTE [Aside.] To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward for all my schemes, upon my soul! — a little gipsy! — I did not think her romance could have made her so damned absurd either. ‘Sdeath, I never was in a worse humour in my life! — I could cut my own throat, or any other person’s, with the greatest pleasure in the world!
Sir LUCIUS Oh, faith! I’m in the luck of it. I never could have found him in a sweeter temper for my purpose — to be sure I’m just come in the nick! Now to enter into conversation with him, and so quarrel genteelly. — [Goes up to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] With regard to that matter, captain, I must beg leave to differ in opinion with you.
ABSOLUTE
Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant: — because, sir,
I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all.
Sir LUCIUS That’s no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an untruth as well as speak one.
ABSOLUTE Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think they might stand a chance of escaping controversy.
Sir LUCIUS Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same thing.
ABSOLUTE Hark’ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman, upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot conceive!
Sir LUCIUS I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your apprehension. — [Bowing.] You have named the very thing I would be at.
ABSOLUTE Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations. — But I should be glad you would please to explain your motives.
Sir LUCIUS Pray, sir, be easy; the quarrel is a very pretty quarrel as it stands; we should only spoil it by trying to explain it. However, your memory is very short, or you could not have forgot an affront you passed on me within this week. So, no more, but name your time and place.
ABSOLUTE Well, sir, since you are so bent on it, the sooner the better; let it be this evening — here, by the Spring Gardens. We shall scarcely be interrupted.
Sir LUCIUS Faith! that same interruption in affairs of this nature shows very great ill-breeding. I don’t know what’s the reason, but in England if a thing of this kind gets wind, people make such a pother, that a gentleman can never fight in peace and quietness. However, if it’s the same to you, captain, I should take it as a particular kindness if you’d let us meet in King’s-Mead-Fields, as a little business will call me there about six o’clock, and I may despatch both matters at once.
ABSOLUTE ’Tis the same to me exactly. A little after six, then, we will discuss this matter more seriously.
Sir LUCIUS If you please, sir; there will be very pretty small-sword light, though it won’t do for a long shot. So that matter’s settled, and my mind’s at ease! [Exit.]
[Enter FAULKLAND.]
ABSOLUTE Well met! I was going to look for you. O Faulkland! all the demons of spite and disappointment have conspired against me! I’m so vex’d, that if I had not the prospect of a resource in being knocked o’ the head by-and-by, I should scarce have spirits to tell you the cause.
FAULKLAND What can you mean? — Has Lydia changed her mind? — I should have thought her duty and inclination would now have pointed to the same object.
ABSOLUTE Ay, just as the eyes do of a person who squints: when her love-eye was fixed on me, t’other, her eye of duty, was finely obliqued: but when duty bid her point that the same way, off t’other turned on a swivel, and secured its retreat with a frown!
FAULKLAND
But what’s the resource you ——
ABSOLUTE
Oh, to wind up the whole, a good-natured Irishman here has — [Mimicking
Sir LUCIUS] begged leave to have the pleasure of cutting my throat; and
I mean to indulge him — that’s all.
FAULKLAND
Prithee, be serious!
ABSOLUTE ’Tis fact, upon my soul! Sir Lucius O’Trigger — you know him by sight — for some affront, which I am sure I never intended, has obliged me to meet him this evening at six o’clock: ’tis on that account I wished to see you; you must go with me.
FAULKLAND Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain himself, and I dare say matters may be accommodated. But this evening did you say? I wish it had been any other time.
ABSOLUTE
Why? there will be light enough: there will (as Sir Lucius says) be
very pretty small-sword light, though it will not do for a long shot.
Confound his long shots.
FAULKLAND
But I am myself a good deal ruffled by a difference I have had with
Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me treat her so cruelly, that
I shall not be myself till we are reconciled.
ABSOLUTE
By heavens! Faulkland, you don’t deserve her!
[Enter SERVANT, gives FAULKLAND a letter, and exit.]
FAULKLAND Oh, Jack! this is from Julia. I dread to open it! I fear it may be to take a last leave! — perhaps to bid me return her letters, and restore — Oh, how I suffer for my folly!
ABSOLUTE Here, let me see. — [Takes the letter and opens it.] Ay, a final sentence, indeed!— ’tis all over with you, faith!
FAULKLAND
Nay, Jack, don’t keep me in suspense!
ABSOLUTE Here then — [Reads.] As I am convinced that my dear Faulkland’s own reflections have already upbraided him for his last unkindness to me, I will not add a word on the subject. I wish to speak with you as soon as possible. Yours ever and truly, Julia. There’s stubbornness and resentment for you! — [Gives him the letter.] Why, man, you don’t seem one whit the happier at this!
FAULKLAND
O yes, I am; but — but ——
ABSOLUTE Confound your buts! you never hear any thing that would make another man bless himself, but you immediately damn it with a but!
FAULKLAND Now, Jack, as you are my friend, own honestly — don’t you think there is something forward, something indelicate, in this haste to forgive? Women should never sue for reconciliation: that should always come from us. They should retain their coldness till wooed to kindness; and their pardon, like their love, should “not unsought be won.”
ABSOLUTE I have not patience to listen to you! thou’rt incorrigible! so say no more on the subject. I must go to settle a few matters. Let me see you before six, remember, at my lodgings. A poor industrious devil like me, who have toiled, and drudged, and plotted to gain my ends, and am at last disappointed by other people’s folly, may in pity be allowed to swear and grumble a little; but a captious sceptic in love, a slave to fretfulness and whim, who has no difficulties but of his own creating, is a subject more fit for ridicule than compassion! [Exit.]
FAULKLAND I feel his reproaches; yet I would not change this too exquisite nicety for the gross content with which he tramples on the thorns of love! His engaging me in this duel has started an idea in my head, which I will instantly pursue. I’ll use it as the touchstone of Julia’s sincerity and disinterestedness. If her love prove pure and sterling ore, my name will rest on it with honour; and once I’ve stamped it there, I lay aside my doubts for ever! But if the dross of selfishness, the alloy of pride, predominate, ‘twill be best to leave her as a toy for some less cautious fool to sigh for! [Exit.]