The South Parade. [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE, putting his sword under his great coat.]
ABSOLUTE A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an alarm as a mad dog. — How provoking this is in Faulkland! — never punctual! I shall be obliged to go without him at last. — Oh, the devil! here’s Sir Anthony! how shall I escape him? [Muffles up his face, and takes a circle to go off.]
[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]
Sir ANTHONY How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I see he don’t know me, I could have sworn that was Jack! — Hey! Gad’s life! it is. — Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? hey! — sure I’m right. Why Jack, Jack Absolute! [Goes up to him.]
ABSOLUTE Really, sir, you have the advantage of me: — I don’t remember ever to have had the honour — my name is Saunderson, at your service.
Sir ANTHONY
Sir, I beg your pardon — I took you — hey? — why, zounds! it
is — Stay — [Looks up to his face.] So, so — your humble servant, Mr.
Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now?
ABSOLUTE
Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, sir.
Sir ANTHONY You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky: — but what are you muffled up so for? — what’s this for? — hey!
ABSOLUTE ’Tis cool, sir, isn’t it? — rather chilly somehow: — but I shall be late — I have a particular engagement.
Sir ANTHONY Stay! — Why, I thought you were looking for me? — Pray, Jack, where is’t you are going?
ABSOLUTE
Going, sir?
Sir ANTHONY
Ay, where are you going?
ABSOLUTE
Where am I going?
Sir ANTHONY
You unmannerly puppy!
ABSOLUTE I was going, sir, to — to — to — to Lydia — sir, to Lydia — to make matters up if I could; — and I was looking for you, sir, to — to ——
Sir ANTHONY
To go with you, I suppose. — Well, come along.
ABSOLUTE Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world! — I wished to meet with you, sir, — to — to — to — You find it cool, I’m sure, sir — you’d better not stay out.
Sir ANTHONY
Cool! — not at all. — Well, Jack — and what will you say to Lydia?
ABSOLUTE Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her — promise and vow: but I detain you, sir — consider the cold air on your gout.
Sir ANTHONY
Oh, not at all! — Not at all! I’m in no hurry. — Ah! Jack, you
youngsters, when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE’s breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here?
ABSOLUTE
Nothing, sir — nothing.
Sir ANTHONY
What’s this? — here’s something damned hard.
ABSOLUTE
Oh, trinkets, sir! trinkets! — a bauble for Lydia!
Sir ANTHONY
Nay, let me see your taste. — [Pulls his coat open, the sword falls.]
Trinkets! — a bauble for Lydia! — Zounds! sirrah, you are not going to
cut her throat, are you?
ABSOLUTE Ha! ha! ha! — I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn’t mean to tell you till afterwards.
Sir ANTHONY
You didn’t? — Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly!
ABSOLUTE Sir, I’ll explain to you. — You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, devilish romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she refuses to forgive me, to unsheath this sword, and swear — I’ll fall upon its point, and expire at her feet!
Sir ANTHONY Fall upon a fiddlestick’s end! — why, I suppose it is the very thing that would please her. — Get along, you fool!
ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, you shall hear of my success — you shall hear. — O
Lydia! — forgive me, or this pointed steel — says I.
Sir ANTHONY O, booby! stay away and welcome — says she. — Get along! and damn your trinkets!
[Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]
[Enter DAVID, running.]
DAVID
Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire! — Stop fire! Stop fire! — O Sir
Anthony — call! call! bid ‘m stop! Murder! Fire!
Sir ANTHONY
Fire! Murder! — Where?
DAVID
Oons! he’s out of sight! and I’m out of breath! for my part! O Sir
Anthony, why didn’t you stop him? why didn’t you stop him?
Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the fellow’s mad! — Stop whom? stop Jack?
DAVID
Ay, the captain, sir! — there’s murder and slaughter ——
Sir ANTHONY
Murder!
DAVID Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there’s all kinds of murder, all sorts of slaughter to be seen in the fields: there’s fighting going on, sir — bloody sword-and-gun fighting!
Sir ANTHONY
Who are going to fight, dunce?
DAVID Every body that I know of, Sir Anthony: — everybody is going to fight, my poor master, Sir Lucius O’Trigger, your son, the captain ——
Sir ANTHONY
Oh, the dog! I see his tricks. — Do you know the place?
DAVID
King’s-Mead-Fields.
Sir ANTHONY
You know the way?
DAVID Not an inch; but I’ll call the mayor — aldermen — constables — churchwardens — and beadles — we can’t be too many to part them.
Sir ANTHONY Come along — give me your shoulder! we’ll get assistance as we go — the lying villain! — Well, I shall be in such a frenzy! — So — this was the history of his trinkets! I’ll bauble him!
[Exeunt.]