A Garden.
LAURETTA discovered. Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and
LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR.
Just. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off?
Lau. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing.
Just. Why, hussy ——
Lau. Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with — and I wish I was run away with — I do — and I wish the lieutenant knew it.
Just. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. [Exit.]
Lau. How this booby stares after him! [Sits down and sings.]
O’Con. Lauretta!
Lau. Not so free, fellow! [Sings.]
O’Con. Lauretta! look on me.
Lau. Not so free, fellow!
O’Con. No recollection!
Lau. Honest Humphrey, be quiet.
O’Con. Have you forgot your faithful soldier?
Lau. Ah! Oh preserve me!
O’Con. ’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this disguise.
Lau. Well now, I declare this is charming — you are so disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha! — You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to keep close to me.
O’Con. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil ——
Lau. O pray now, dear Humphrey ——
O’Con. Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [Offers to kiss her.]
Re-enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS.
Just. Laury, my — hey! what the devil’s here?
Lau. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet.
Just. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me — pray don’t let me interrupt you!
Lau. Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured — indeed there’s no harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey?
O’Con. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me.
Just. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you don’t take yourself out of my sight ——
Lau. Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms.
Just. Oh! was that all — nothing but a little giddiness, hey!
O’Con. That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up instantly.
Just. Oh, ’twas very kind in you!
O’Con. And luckily recovered her.
Just. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes —
Lau. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again! — Oh, help!
O’Con. O dear lady, she’ll fall! [Takes her into his arms.]
Just. Zounds! what before my face — why then, thou miracle of impudence! — [Lays hold of him and discovers him.] — Mercy on me, who have we here? — Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget!
O’Con. Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm.
Just. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers!
O’Con. You know my love for your daughter —
Just. Fire! Cut-throats!
O’Con. And that alone —
Just. Treason! Gunpowder!
Enter a SERVANT with a blunderbuss.
Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant.
Lau. O papa, you’ll kill me!
Just. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please.
O’Con. Nay, sir, but hear me ——
Just. I’ll shoot.
O’Con. And you’ll be convinced ——
Just. I’ll shoot.
O’Con. How injurious ——
Just. I’ll shoot — and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. [Exeunt separately.]