“BUT IT MUST have dawned on you at some point, since Prague at the latest.”
“Why since Prague?”
“Or even earlier, you had my gym bag after all.”
“So what?” Adam laid the open book on his stomach.
“Everything was in there—my grades, birth certificate, vaccination card, even my proof of baptism.”
“And how was I supposed to know that?”
“Didn’t you open the gym bag?”
“No.”
“And the jewelry? Why’d you bring the jewelry along?”
“I told you, it seemed too risky too leave it at home.”
“But you were smiling that funny way. For me that was a clear signal.”
“Because I finally had you sitting next to me again.”
“And today—I said that I finally had to tell my mother.”
“You wanted to call your mother because she doesn’t know where you are. I thought if you’re staying on here, then it was for my sake, so that we could drive back together. Do you really want to go to the West?”
“I hoped you did too.” Evelyn plumped up her pillow, hugged it with both arms, and lay down atop it.
“Do you think I can just turn my back on everything—on the house, the garden, the graves, everything? How do you picture that?”
“There’s not one person waiting there for you, it’s really a lot easier for you.”
Evelyn got up and closed the window.
“I’ve told you over and over that I’ll be driving home. What’s in the West for me?”
“But you’ve been acting completely different. Why did you drag all that stuff along, my documents, the jewelry, Elfriede. You can find work anywhere. And be paid a hundred times better. Why were you questioning Michael about that? I thought you were seriously considering it.” Evelyn leaned against the windowsill in her nightie and crossed her arms.
“And I thought, if you’re staying, then you’re staying. Why didn’t you go with him?”
“What a stupid question—really, that question’s enough to make me want to … oh, just leave me alone.”
Adam had got up now too and walked over to face her.
“Do you think I would have gone through all this if I didn’t love you?”
“Then don’t ask such dumb questions. I’ve gone through some things myself, you know.”
“Okay fine, then we’re even now.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“That I don’t blame you for anything, and you shouldn’t blame me.”
“Sounds like a divorce agreement.” Evelyn fell back onto the bed.
“And since when have you known that you want to leave?”
“I’ve only been really sure since this morning.” She was staring at the ceiling.
“You can’t be serious? Since he left?”
“All I know is, I’m not going back.”
“And why?”
“Why didn’t I know it before this morning?”
“Why do you want to head across?”
“Because I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to keep on playing waitress, keep on applying for university, keep on being refused, keep on looking into all those fat-ass faces that ask why you’re not for peace—all that shit.”
“That will change, third time’s a charm, they’ll accept you.”
“No. There’s too much freedom here already. I’ve got used to it.”
“Used to what?” Adam sat down on the edge of the bed.
“To the idea of moving on. I want to move on.”
“What sort of sense does that make?”
“I don’t know myself if I’ll really like it over there, but I want to give it a try.”
“Give it a try—great, and when it doesn’t work out? We have only one life.”
“Right, you said it.”
“You never talked about this before.”
“Of course we’ve talked about it. You were always coming up with ideas about how to meet somebody in a waiting lounge and exchange boarding passes. That was your idea.”
“That was just a game. We never talked about trying anything like that.”
“But I was constantly thinking about it, constantly.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“How can you say that? Mona and I talked about nothing else—Mona was already on her way!”
“And went back.”
“So what? What does that prove?”
“That she loved him.”
“That’s not true, simply not true at all. Why do you think she stopped giving a hoot? She just laughed whenever Frau Gabriel said something, laughed in her face. For her Mike was a ticket to the West, that was the whole point.”
“Then she could have stayed on here.”
“What are we talking about here, exactly?”
“You quit your job too. Did that have anything to do with cutting and running?”
“In some way, sure.”
“And what way was that?”
“Mona always said that these were our baby teeth, that our real teeth hadn’t grown in yet.”
“Now that’s absurd—don’t you see how absurd that is? Baby teeth—”
“It gave me a such a sense of freedom, though. I’ve always felt this way. They could kiss my ass, because I’m out of here.”
“That’s so childish, Evi.”
“And why’s that?”
“ ‘Such a sense of freedom’!”
“If freedom is childish, then I’m childish. But it’s how I feel.”
“Giving it all some serious thought would be better.”
“I don’t need to give it any more thought, I’ve thought about it for a long time now. Why don’t you want to go across?”
“Why should I want to?”
“Then you’re not thinking! I could say whoever doesn’t want to go across has never done any real thinking.”
“Why should I have to think about it if I don’t even want to go across?”
“Why should I have to think about it if I don’t even want to stay here? Do you have any idea just how arrogant you’ve become, how narrow-minded.”
“But for me it’s not even an issue. Why should I want to leave?”
“Well, you certainly did ask Michael—”
“Bull! We were just discussing it. We had to talk about something.”
“Everybody thinks about it, you do too. There’s nobody who doesn’t think about it.”
“Which means either I come with you, or it’s over?”
“This just keeps getting worse and worse.” Evelyn rolled over on her side and looked across at Adam. “After the fortieth anniversary, they’ll really clamp down. You’ve always got a lot more upset than me. Have you forgotten how the Chinese handled things? Why can’t you see it?”
“This’ll be different. Just think of the Poles. And if the Hungarians leave the border open—”
“I’m telling you they won’t let us out after this—fat lady sings, curtain falls. You can count on it!”
“They won’t be able to get away with it.”
“They’ve always been able to get away with a lot of things.”
“And what happens from here on?” Adam said without looking at Evelyn. “We’ve asked an awful lot of them already.”
“The Angyals?”
“Did he pay them, by the way?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Pepi dropped a hint. At any rate he didn’t pay the whole bill.”
“Well, he can’t help it if we were robbed.”
“Neither can the Angyals.”
“If in fact he didn’t pay it all, then he’ll send it. They’ll get their money. Is that why your conscience is bothering you?”
“What do you mean, my conscience is bothering me?”
“You don’t have to help clean up—they don’t want you doing that, they want to admire you, maybe even as a son-in-law, but they definitely don’t want a man who helps clean up.”
“What’s wrong with a man who helps clean up?”
“Nothing, but you’re not at home here.”
“I know what I’m doing.”
“Can I ask you a question? Out of pure curiosity, and I won’t blame you—did you do it with Pepi’s mother?”
“What makes you think that?”
“No, but why the question?”
“Sounds a little weak.”
“Evi, please. Let’s not go there!”
“I just want to figure out what your type is.”
“That’s something you heard from your precious Mike. He thinks I’m capable of just about anything anyway.”
“She’s been so moody. First she was all pissed off because I showed up with him—”
“I can understand that.”
“Then suddenly everything was just like before, and I was her second daughter, and now she’s back to grimacing just to manage a smile.”
“What do you want? What more is she supposed to do for us?”
“They’d love to keep you here.”
“Is that right?”
“As a tailor, as a son-in-law, as a lover. And you can stop laughing!”
“And what do we tell them? We’re going to vacation here forever?”
“Not forever.”
“Are we staying till tomorrow, for three more days, another week?”
“Whatever you want. Whatever our Herr Adam wants.”
“Do you have any idea what we’re talking about?” Adam slammed the book shut and slipped it onto the nightstand.
“You were going to read me the Laocoön story,” Evelyn said.
“Tomorrow,” Adam said, turned out the light, and stretched out on his back. He pulled the blanket up to his neck and took a deep breath.
Once she got used to the dark, Evelyn could make out the silhouette of his face. She cautiously raised her head to see if his eyes were still open. By the light of the streetlamp she could see the sweep of Adam’s long lashes. His right hand lay between their pillows, his left across his chest. She heard the turtle in its box.
Even when they argued, she knew her Adam only too well. She didn’t want it to be like this. She deserved something better than a man who cheated on her. Nevertheless she bedded her face against Adam’s right hand. She stroked his forearm, threaded her hand up the sleeve of his T-shirt, thrust her palm across his shoulder, reached his throat, and touched his Adam’s apple with her fingertips—it scurried away like an animal, but in the next moment had already turned back to her.