Learning to Say 'No'

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. ~Matthew 5:37

“How do you do it?” I asked.

She replied, “Do what?”

“How do you put your foot down sometimes and say no?”

“I just had to learn to say no,” she answered. “I used to feel so guilty when I said no, but I had to learn to be true to myself.”

This was the start of a conversation between my co-worker, Ms. Delayna Anderson, and I. We were discussing the difficulties of saying “no” to people, especially to individuals we love.  We both agreed that saying “no” could seem uncaring and somewhat selfish. We also confessed that a small amount of fear exists in letting other people down. Moreover, there is a fear of being ostracized or criticized, or of jeopardizing a friendship. Then Delayna said something I thought was brilliant.

She said,

“Learning to say no can earn you respect from yourself as well those around you.”

“WOW!” I thought. “She is right!”

When I think about it, the ability to say no is carefully linked to self-confidence. When I had low self-assurance and low self-regard, I frequently felt anxious about upsetting others and I had a habit of ranking other people’s needs more highly than mine. I would feel drained, worried and irritable because I was undermining any efforts to improve my quality of life.

As Christians, there are times when we find it difficult to say no. Many of us feel compelled to agree with most requests because we are people-pleasers. However, did you know that being a people-pleaser is a form of idolatry?

The Apostle Paul teaches us in Galatians 1:10 that we should not try to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people is the goal, then we must question whether we are serving Christ. Let me say it this way: when you are a people-pleaser, you have allowed people’s opinions and thoughts about you to become first in your life, anything you put before God becomes a god. But, if you focus on pleasing Jesus, everything else will fall into place.

I want to start the day by helping you say no, just in case you need to say it today. So, here are five tips for saying no:

1. Keep your response simple. If you want to say no, be strong and unwavering, but you do not have to be rude. Use expressions such as “Thanks, but I’m afraid it’s not convenient right now.” Or, “I’m sorry but I can’t help today.”
2. Give yourself some time. Use expressions like “I’ll get back to you later” and then contemplate your options. This tip will give you more confidence to say no.
3. Consider a compromise. Suggest ways to move forward that help both of you, but do not compromise if you really want to say no.
4. Separate refusal from rejection. It is important for you to remember you are turning down a request, not an individual.
5. Be true to yourself. Be clear and honest with yourself about what you truly want. Get to know yourself better and examine what you really want from life.

I want to encourage you today to stop worrying about the way people feel or think about you. Focus on what God wants you to do and leave the consequences to Him. When you learn to say “no” confidently, you will be able to say “yes” faithfully. By the way, many times what God tells you to do is not going to make any sense to the people around you, and it's not supposed to. You have God’s approval, and that is all you really need!

Cream and Sugar...

• “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
• “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,” Colossians 3:23

Say this prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Today, I pray that the thoughts and opinions of others do not distract me. Lord, You know that in my heart I want everyone to be happy, but help me to not put anyone’s happiness before You. Please give me the strength to be my honest and authentic self, and guide me by Your Spirit every step of the day. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.

Day 18