Grandma? Grandma! Please come back, please tell me that is not the Devil lurking, trying to lure me down under to the fiery pits of hell. I know I’m not exactly a saint, but surely I wasn’t that bad?
Or do you automatically go to hell for not believing in it?
I’m not a religious person, never was. Neither were my parents. I’m not even sure they got me christened, they never mentioned it if they did. I certainly don’t know of any godparents, and I was never subjected to Sunday school or endless masses, like so many other kids of my era.
But if it helps, I wanted to! You know me, I half envied those brainwashed brats, dressed in stuffy clothes, sitting in a stuffy church, snoring their way through a stuffy sermon (or catching the eye of other kids and trying not to giggle). That just seemed preferable to sitting at home, playing by myself.
I was never indoctrinated with the whole heaven and hell thing, never warned to watch out for Satan or believe God was secretly watching me like a paedo under the bed sheets. Yet there is something decidedly evil about that dark presence which is now chilling me to my core.
Is it really the Devil? Has he come to fetch me? Or is it something else entirely?
A voice whispers in my ear, and I would jump through my skin if I still had some on. “Don’t worry about that, Ludovica, you just need to focus.”
Well, hello, Grandma has seen fit to grace me with her presence again.
“Who let you out?” I say and then, “What the hell is that dark evil splotch?”
She shakes her head. “It’s not important now.”
“Is to me—it’s freaking me out!”
“Just take my word for it, Lulu. It’s irrelevant, let it go.”
Easier said than done. It’s still lingering, like a bad smell in a public toilet block.
“Seriously, my dear, you haven’t got much time. You mustn’t waste a moment.”
“All right, take a chill pill. How long have I got?” I keep forgetting I’m on a deadline (excuse the pun).
“Enough. If you use your time wisely, just enough.”
What the hell does that even mean? I scowl at Grandma. I want to tell her that I am losing patience, the clues are beginning to get muddled up, and I am not sure I am making any progress. Even if I had another twenty-four hours, I’m not sure I can work this thing out, and it’s killing me all over again.
But she knows all this already of course and gives me a comforting smile.
“You will get through this, my darling, and you will discover what you need to know. I have faith in you, maybe you need to have a little faith in yourself.”
I must not look convinced because she then adds, “Just think of the lovely wish you get at the end of it all. That’ll keep you going.”
I’d forgotten about that! It does cheer me up.
“Can’t I just have it now?” I say. “Can’t I just wish to know who killed me and be done with it?”
“It doesn’t work like that, and there’s a good reason it doesn’t because, frankly my dear, that’s a pretty stupid wish. Of all the wishes in the world… really?”
Well excuse me if I think uncovering a murderer is important. “So what do I wish for then? World peace?”
“You could do worse,” she says, then laughs. “Just try to be smart about it. I mean, most people wish for basically the same thing, but occasionally we get some doozies. There’s a woman in here who wished to spend eternity with Elvis. We like to have a laugh about that one.”
“So is she?”
“Hmm?”
“Spending eternity with Elvis?”
“Well, let’s just say she thinks she is. The rest of us know better. I mean poor Elvis, that’s hardly fair on him, now is it? There’s another guy, oh he’s a hoot that one. He wished for an eternity’s worth of liquorice.”
“Liquorice?”
“I know, right? He was four when he died. Pretty sure he regrets it now.” She laughs again.
Yes, death, so amusing. Ha, ha, ha.
“And what did you wish for?” I ask.
She smiles. “Oh I was boring. I wished the same as almost everybody else.”
“Which is?”
She smiles wider. “You’ll work that out.” Her smile drops. “At least I hope you will.”
Then she begins to waft back to the light.
“I’m not Miss bloody Universe!” I call after her. “It’s not my job to fix the world’s shit you know!”
But Grandma has vanished, and I am left wondering what kind of wish most of humanity wants and why, for the life of me, I can’t work out what it is.