‘Hannah!’
Charlie’s voice isn’t calm any longer. Instead, there is an urgency to it that jars. I close my eyes and try to return to the peace I felt just a few moments ago, that comforting sense of safety and wellbeing. But though I try to relax, I cannot find again that feeling of grace I had when I started swimming across the lake.
‘Hannah!’
The shriek goes right through me like an electric charge, jolting me into life, and now I am scared, feeling myself being sucked under the water. I open my eyes and everything is black around me. Holding my breath, I try to propel myself upwards, but my foot is caught on something deep down there in the darkness. I start to flail around with my arms, panicking, fighting against the lake and the blackness.
I struggle furiously, kicking out with my legs, trying to free my foot, but I cannot get loose. The pressure is building inside me from holding my breath.
Is this really how it ends?
I’m still fighting, but I can feel myself weakening. There’s a darkness on the perimeter of my thoughts that seems to be growing, pressing in on me.
An image of Mum comes into my mind, curled up on her old squishy sofa with her feet tucked under her and a glass of wine in her hand, smiling at me, with our sweet old dog Madge by her side, and I send a silent message to her. I’m sorry. I love you.
And now the pressure is becoming unbearable, causing a pain that mushrooms out from my chest until it fills every part of me, and I press my lips together, but the urge to breathe is too great to keep them pressed, and I can’t help it. I open my mouth.