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“What makes life so difficult?” – Terry McKay
“People.” – Nickie Ferrante
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
Izzy
I glanced over at the twinkling Christmas tree in the corner of my mom’s living room of her adobe house. The handcrafted terracotta tile floor and viga ceiling were a far cry from the Manhattan penthouse apartment where we’d lived growing up.
But as I snuck a look at my mom sniffling on the other couch as she watched the ending scenes from An Affair to Remember, I smiled.
Even crying because of the movie, she was happier than I’d ever seen her. Since moving to New Mexico she’d taken to dressing in long, flowery skirts and had her long grey hair fashioned in long braids that would have made the mother from my childhood shudder. But her new life and outlook suited her.
She dabbed at her tears and then caught me watching her. “What? When he realizes why she didn’t show up, it gets to me every time.” She tilted her head at me in question. “It used to get to you, too. Why aren’t you crying?”
I glanced over at the closing credits on the screen and shrugged. “I guess I wasn’t paying that close of attention.” Even though this was one of my all-time favorite movies. But it was hard to watch a movie about a couple perfect for one another, falling in love, and their life coming together when every aspect of my own had fallen into pieces.
Mom flipped off the movie. “You’ve been here for thirty-six hours and you still haven’t said much about what’s going on. I know you’re not here just for Thanksgiving. Do you want to talk about it?”
Tears filled my eyes. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.” After everything had happened, I’d come here needing some mothering, but somewhere along the way I discovered I’d become an adult. My mom couldn’t fix my life anymore. I had to do it.
She pushed over the platter of cookies that one of her neighbors had brought over a couple of hours ago. “Eat a cookie. Maybe it will help.”
I giggled through my tears at the absurdity of sugar and chocolate helping. But hell, it couldn’t hurt. Right?
An hour later, I’d inhaled four cookies and amazingly felt much, much better, although I still hadn’t told my mom about the tragic state of my life.
Her cell phone chimed. After glancing at it, she frowned at me. “Is there a reason your father is texting me looking for you?”
My skin tightened. “Didn’t he say?”
“No. He said to call ASAP. Care to fill me in about what’s going on now?”
I waved a hand in the air. “I finally got fed up with dad and his bullshit, took Leo’s advice, and quit.” Then I burst into tears.
Mom wrapped me up in her arms. “Oh, honey. I’m sure he’s calling to tell you he won’t take your quitting seriously. If not, I’ll fix it.”
“No.” I was rubbing snot all over her top, but she didn’t seem to mind as she hugged me tighter. “I don’t care about dad or my job...well, I do, but it’s not what I’m upset about. It’s Leo.”
She drew back, looking confused. “What happened between you and Leo?”
“We had sex, and then I screwed it all up.”
Her eyes widened, and I realized I’d just admitted to having sex to my mom. Ew.
I began to giggle about the absurdity of it all, although it wasn’t the slightest bit funny.
“Maybe we should put away the cookies now.” She gently shoved them to the far side of the coffee table.
“Mom,” I said slowly as realization dawned, but the giggles continued to escape. “What’s in those cookies?” No matter what torture, normally I would never even mention sex with my mom in the room. Even now I could feel the urge to tell her everything...how good it had been, life altering...in exquisite detail.
“Um, I’m not positive,” she stammered, and wouldn’t meet my gaze.
“Okay.” I giggled and covered my mouth in horror. Why couldn’t I stop? Mom knew. I raised an eyebrow at her. “What do you think is in the cookies?” I tried to sound serious.
“Um... Well... It’s just that Tammy has been known to doctor her cookies to allow for true relaxation. What’s better than a little chocolate and marijuana?”
“You drugged me?” I probably would have screamed that question normally, but I truly was feeling pretty mellow...considering.
“That sounds much harsher than it truly was. I could tell you were uptight about whatever brought you to my door unexpectedly.”
I gasped, and she rushed to correct herself.
“Not that I don’t love having you here. I just wanted you to feel better. Tammy’s cookies always make me feel very Zen, and honestly your aura is truly looking so much better. Tell me you don’t feel better and I’ll apologize.”
I blew out a sigh and reached across the table to snag another cookie, although I hesitated before taking a bite. “I can’t overdose by eating these cookies, can I?”
Mom rapidly shook her head to the negative.
We sat silently while I chewed, loving this new mellow feeling. I liked being free of all the stress about everything. “Mom, I think I’m in love with Leo.”
She gave me a soft smile and nodded. “Well, that doesn’t surprise me. I’m just shocked it took you so long to realize. I always thought you were smarter than that.”
“Hey!” I knew she’d just insulted me, but honestly, after the last few weeks, I had to kind of agree with her on that one. “I guess that’s fair.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“I screwed it all up. It took me too long to figure everything out and now he’s moving to New York to run the family business, and—”
“He’s going to run House of Bennett?” Mom looked shocked.
“Yeah. He’s been running it ever since his mom’s accident and it looks like that will need to be permanent.”
“Is that what he wants?” A small frown erupted between mom’s brows. “I never thought he was that interested.”
“I don’t think he really is, but it’s his family business. He can’t just bail.” Like I had with our family business. While I had good reasons for leaving, were they enough to justify abandoning my family legacy? Didn’t I owe more to the sweat and tears the business had taken from the generations before me?
I’d been studying my hands, but now I looked up at my mom. “Did I do the wrong thing by quitting?” I whispered. So, maybe I was still a little upset about the upheaval with my career, too.
Mom shook her head at me. “I’m honestly shocked it took you this long. Your father quit on both of us a long time ago. I just think you’ve had a hard time coming to terms with that.”
My therapist would probably agree since she constantly told me I had abandonment issues.
Mom pursed her lips, as if debating what to say. “Your relationship with your father has always been complicated. When our marriage fell apart, you navigated that conflict well, but I know your respect for him took a hit. For relationships to work, whether it’s a romantic, family, friendship, or even a work relationship, respect needs to be present. That’s lacking between the two of you now and until you sort that out, nothing’s going to feel right. That’s become more complicated since you went to work for him. You both have to figure out how to rebuild that for your relationship to work.”
I noticed she didn’t say anything about rebuilding my career or the family business.
“Give it time,” she said. “And stop ignoring the genuine hurt you’re feeling. Men who hurt you don’t deserve to be in your life.”
What a profound and simple statement.
I had been letting the men in my life walk all over me. Dad sabotaged my career with his attitude simply because I was female. Phillip didn’t respect me enough to break up with me before having sex with someone else. Even Shane had created that photo shoot without regard to my safety, the thing that had been forefront in Leo’s thoughts.
Leo.
He’d always cared for me and taken care of me. My safety and happiness was at the forefront of his thoughts, always.
“What do you plan to do about Leo?” It was like she could see into my brain.
I laughed, but this time it wasn’t the giggly, happy sound. I was too worried that I’d fucked up everything with Leo. “I don’t know. He hasn’t even tried to reach out to see if we can figure out a way to see one another again. What if he’s decided I’m more trouble than I’m worth?”
After sex, maybe he’d discovered the reality wasn’t as good as the fantasy he’d built up in his head of what we’d be like together. We’d had sex and on the surface things seemed okay between us. He still texted and had begun lightly flirting with me, but nothing deeper, no hints about anything more in the future, including plans for how we could even see one another again. Was he only going through the motions because he thought that’s what I wanted? I wouldn’t put that past him. I knew my BFF loved me and would do whatever he could to not hurt me.
But that didn’t mean he loved me romantically.
“No man, or woman, worth your time would see you as more trouble than you’re worth. The question you have to ask yourself is...is he worth the trouble?”
“Oh my god, yes.” Tears filled my eyes. I missed Leo. I needed him. In my life. In my bed. In my heart. I needed him by my side.
She handed me a crystal. “Well, maybe it’s time for you to take the roll of Rock Hudson and go get your man. Just ask yourself, What would Rock do to get Doris back in his life?”
I nodded and looked at the stone in my hand. “What is this?”
Tingling like electricity traveled up my arm and across my chest. Had I imagined that?
“It’s a dream amethyst. It connects you to your spirit guides and deeper into yourself. It enables and guides you to what you truly want and dream. It will help you visualize what you need to do and guide you to where you need to go. Hold it tight in your hand and think about what you desire in life, what Leo means to you, and I think the answers will come.”
I’d never bought into my mom’s new age of enlightenment, but I owed Leo to try. I had to figure out how to get him back, so I closed my eyes and concentrated on my love for Leo while the cold stone in my palm heated my skin. Then I wished.