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“So now what do we do?” Elliot asked Vic, raising his voice over the hubbub of the decontamination room. The crew had left their biohazard suits behind and been cleared to leave. Dozens of other people were going through the process now, and it was a wash of noise. No one stepped forward to chaperone the TV crew.
“We’re going to find Mr. Lee,” Vic said. She strode to the door. “Waiting here is no good. Let’s get some fresh air.”
“Yes, please!” Elliot agreed. He followed her into the welcome daylight outside the science wing, with the rest of the team close behind. Hubcap brought up the rear. Elliot noted that the robot had one hand hovering near his hip like a gunfighter, with the SedEgg in his leg compartment in easy reach. This was both a comfort and a reminder of the danger that could strike at any time. Elliot was glad that Hubcap was guarding their backs.
Once outside, Vic paused to take stock of the several pathways leading to the main compound. To Elliot’s eyes, they all looked the same: concrete weaving toward airlock doorways, with a local or two walking to and fro. The low grass was closer to an Earthlike green here, though faded-looking and stubby. Nothing overgrew the pathways. Elliot didn’t know which path led to Mr. Lee.
And as it turned out, neither did Vic. “They never said where his office is,” Vic said, hands on her hips. “I could have asked, but it never seemed important. Guess we’ll have to ask around.” She strode down the pathway with the closest local: a stocky tan woman with safety gear slung over one shoulder.
Hubcap spoke up from the back. “I’d offer to track him, but I don’t know his scent. The meathead really should have met with us by now. Shoddy leadership.”
Vic talked over her shoulder. “The majordomo told me yesterday that he’s ailing somehow.” She glanced at Elliot. “We talked while you were in the med ward. He was supposed to be catching up with us today.” She frowned and faced forward. “Well it’s today. Let’s get some answers.”
The woman with the safety gear didn’t know where Mr. Lee was at that moment, but she did know where the office was. Vic thanked her for the directions and led the way toward the tallest building in the compound.
Elliot cast an appreciative glance at the scenery while he hurried along. He wasn’t all that eager to go back inside where frenzy was a higher risk, statistically speaking. Staying outside where there was alien scrubland up close and bizarre trees in the distance sounded much more appealing. He could have spent a long, pleasant time studying the differences between the twisty bushes with mint-green leaves and their Earth analogues, or trying to come up with some excuse to visit the pyramid-shaped things that passed for tree trunks off to the east. He only had a brief look now, and it wasn’t enough.
The air-conditioned coolness that breathed over him when he entered the building made him shiver. Everything smelled stark and sanitized compared to the alien world outside. Familiar, but unwelcome.
Vic made a beeline for the elevators. Elliot said nothing during the ride up, leaving it to Hubcap to fill the air with chatter about an elevator shaft rescue he’d done once.
“The thing was stuck between floors, so getting folks out through the top hatch was the way to go,” the robot said. “Humans in the hallway were going on about getting a ladder down there, but no need. Dispatch had sent three of us, after all. So we just jumped down and did it. Thankfully I got to be the standing part of the ladder, not the kneeling footstool. I would have liked to be the one on top of the car boosting people up to safety and gratitude, but... no seniority.”
The door dinged and opened, punctuating his story. Vic led the way across the hall to a spacious waiting room and a receptionist’s desk. She told Elliot and the others to stay put while she had words with the man who had convinced the producers to film here.
Elliot was happy to do so. “We’ll be over there,” he told her, wandering over toward the arrangement of cushy chairs, panoramic windows, and a table with bagels and coffee.
“Good. I may call Earth afterward,” Vic said before turning to address the receptionist, who Elliot recognized as the liaison who had met them when they first got off the shuttle. She was a sturdy gray-haired woman with eyes that missed nothing. Elliot would have looked right past her in a crowd, but he got the impression that this woman ran the place, and ran it well.
He left Vic to the conversation while the camera crew made themselves comfortable. Elliot peered over Graham’s shoulder at the stale bagels and decided against them. Hubcap was moving chairs aside with the announcement that he would be practicing his handstands and fancy dance moves.
“You do that,” Elliot said. “Just don’t break stuff.”
“I promise nothing.”
Elliot walked over to the windows. This third-floor vantage point had a stunning view of the alien landscape, much better than what he’d been able to see from the ground on the other side of the building. There were even different plants on this side. Like the coast, the area looked familiar at a glance: mossy soil rose and fell, marked by tall feathery things that put Earth ferns to shame. But the waving fields of green grass below them were migrating as he watched.
Elliot blinked and looked closer. It was the grass itself moving; he hadn’t imagined it. Then a section of turf raised its head briefly, and he remembered something Owen had said. Grassback flatworms, he thought. That’s nice and weird. Might make some good scene-setting footage.
Elliot was about to suggest it to the camera crew when something closer to the building caught his eye: a man walking with a shovel held like a broadsword. He was treading a concrete path toward a good-sized garden, where Elliot thought he saw dirt moving. His boots shone with armor plating.
“Hey Hubcap,” Elliot said. “What did you say those supergophers look like?”
He was greeted by an excited whoop and a thud. “Do you see one?” the robot demanded, springing to his feet and leaping over chairs to get to the window.
“Not yet, but I’d hazard a guess that they live there,” Elliot said, pointing.
“That’s the garden, all right! We’ve got to go film it. Come on, we can leave a note for Vic. She’ll probably be talking to Unhealthi-Lee for ages.”
Elliot was reluctant to go off without the director. But at Hubcap’s insistence, he let himself be convinced. He hoped privately that it wouldn’t be a mark against him in getting recommendations to direct his own show later. But this show came first, and they needed good material.
“We won’t be far,” Hubcap told him. “The outside is safer anyway, right? That guy isn’t even following the buddy system. And this should definitely be interesting footage!”
“Okay, as long as we’re careful. I’ll tell the receptionist.”
“All right!” Hubcap exclaimed. “Come meatheads, eat your fuel later!” He clapped metal hands at the three at the snack table. “If we get out there fast, there’s a good chance we’ll get to see an epic fight against an ankle-biting beastie, and maybe even a decapitation with a shovel. C’mon!”
Elliot had a brief conversation with the sharp-eyed woman, who said she’d pass on the message, then he rejoined his team. As he arrived, Hubcap insisted that the stairs were faster than the elevator, and led the charge downward. Elliot and the others followed at a reasonable pace. Soon they were trotting along the path outside with Hubcap narrating to the cameras.
“...Maybe even a decapitation with a shovel,” the robot was saying. “It should be great. Extreme gardening! Oh look, there it is!”
The garden patch came into view, looking innocent enough. It was one of several, Elliot saw, reaching around the building with greenhouses and other structures for food cultivation. People moved in the distance, but up close there were just the many rows of leafy things, and the one man digging at the end of a row. His shovel sent the smell of spicy alien dirt drifting their way while the TV crew hurried to get closer. Elliot watched the ground for motion.
“Hello there!” Hubcap called out as they approached. “Mind if we join you?”
The solidly-built fellow looked up, flicking black hair out of his eyes. “Sure thing, just watch your feet,” he said. He lifted up one heavily armored boot by way of demonstration. “There’s biting creatures underground.”
“So we’ve heard!” Hubcap looked around eagerly. “How often do the toothy little bastards show up? I’m Hubcap, by the way.”
Elliot introduced himself and the others while the cameras got into position as best they could while staying on the walkway. The man said they could call him Ted, and told them that the alien gophers were never far from the surface. He spoke in a remarkably offhand manner, continuing to shovel as he did. Elliot wasn’t sure if he was putting on a show for the cameras or if he was confident that his shovel-fighting skills could handle a creature leaping out of the ground.
“No wire mesh underground, I take it?” Elliot asked. “That works pretty well on Earth gophers.”
“Oh, we tried it,” the man said, stepping down on the shovel edge. “These guys just force their way through. But they don’t take enough of the crops to be what we call a ‘budget priority.’” He unearthed a pair of root vegetables the same dark brown as the dirt. “Oh good, no bite marks.”
“Is this one of the gophers’ favorite foods?” Elliot asked.
“Anything we plant is their favorite food,” the man said, tucking the round things into a bag at his hip. “These grow really well here, so we eat a lot of them. They have to be cooked hard though, cuz they can kind of poison you if they’re raw.”
Elliot glanced in the direction of the science wing. “Yes, there seems to be a lot of that going around,” he said. “What kind of poison would this one be?”
“The pooping your guts out kind,” the man said, digging up another tuber and brushing dirt off it. “Depends on how much you eat and how raw it is, of course, but yeah, it can be pretty bad.”
Hubcap put a hand on his partner’s shoulder. “Enjoy your dinner tonight, meatling!”
“Some day I will find a way to give you the robot equivalent of diarrhea,” Elliot said. “And I will laugh.”
Hubcap just patted his shoulder and smiled.
“Hold it,” the local said, raising a hand. “Everybody shut up for a second.” The offworlders went silent, with the cameras searching the ground for any sign of motion. Dale shuffled nervously. After a long few seconds, Ted shrugged. “Never mind. Keep an eye out, though. They can sneak up on you.”
“So what do they actually look like?” Elliot asked. “Are they furry like Earth gophers? Large snaky things?”
Ted shook his head, getting back to shoveling. “Naw, nothing like that. They’re built more like big drills with feet.” He stood up and gestured about his head. “They’ve got this pointy horn thing going on that lets ‘em break through the hardest dirt, and there’s lots of feet with digging claws. I forget how many feet exactly.”
Elliot nodded while Hubcap stared at the ground. “Now I really want to see one,” the robot said. “Is there a way of attracting them? Any sounds they like?”
“Not that I know of,” Ted said. “They usually don’t like loud noises, but I haven’t seen anything in particular that could be said to draw ‘em in closer.”
“That’s a pity,” Hubcap said, still scanning the dirt. “Maybe if we squeak like little defenseless eatable creatures? What do they eat aside from plants and ankles? What sounds do those make?”
Ted described it as best he could, and Hubcap made an experimental squeal. Ted shifted his grip on the shovel. “Yeah, it’s a lot like that, except with more interruptions, not so much one long sound, if you know what I mean.”
“I think so,” the robot said, then repeated the note with some chattering thrown in.
Elliot made a show of wincing and covering his ears.
“Like that?” Hubcap asked.
“Yeah, that’s a lot closer,” Ted said. “If you can make it sound smaller and weaker, then I’d say you’ve got it.”
Hubcap gave it his best, squeaking away while the cameras panned across the garden and everyone listened for digging. Nothing happened.
“Hey Ted,” Elliot said. “When they do jump out at someone, do they do it from the side or from below? Can you see them coming?”
“They’re pretty stealthy,” Ted said. “Sometimes you see ‘em try for something in a different place first, but a lot of the time they just appear from underneath you.”
“Seems like they would just end up biting the soles of people’s shoes,” Elliot said.
“Well, their mouths aren’t at the tip of their heads,” Ted explained. “So they have to kind of lunge out sideways.” He gestured with his hands, pantomiming something like a whale breaching. “They’re pretty fast, so they usually don’t miss. And they can bite through boot leather.”
“But not metal,” Hubcap added pointing to the man’s armored shoes. “Right?”
Ted nodded. “Right.”
“So I’m safe,” the robot announced. “You lot, not so much. What’s that?” He pointed at the other end of the garden.
Everyone whirled to look, and Dale yelped suddenly.
“What? What?”
“Something bit me!” The cameraman hopped on one leg, then looked down to see nothing more ominous than Hubcap’s foot where he had been standing. Dale swore. The robot whistled innocently and pulled his foot back.
“Hubcap!” Elliot admonished, smiling despite himself. “That was a little heartless.”
The robot rapped his chest with metal knuckles, making a hollow sound. “Yeah, well, that’s just me all over, isn’t it?” he said lightly. “I’m lacking many of your squishy organs. And you can’t tell me that wasn’t funny.”
Ted snickered, leaning on his shovel. “That was a cute little yelp you made, son,” he said to Dale with a grin. “Sounded almost like a little prey animal yourself there.”
Dale harrumphed and readjusted his camera while the others hid their smiles.
“Anyway,” Elliot said, getting the conversation back on track. “How many of those plants do you need to get today, Ted?”
“Oh, not too many more,” the man said. “Just enough to go in tonight’s casserole. There’ll be plenty of other ingredients, especially with the haul of edible water plants that we just got in.” He dug up a few roots in quick succession.
“Would that be Earth waterweeds, or native plantlife that’s safe for human consumption?” Elliot asked.
“Ooh, who was the first to test it?” Hubcap wanted to know. “What daring soul risked death by intestinal misadventure for the sake of food?”
“Honestly, it was probably tested by computer scan,” Ted said. “No messing about when it comes to unknowns like alien food.”
“Wise choice,” Elliot said.
“How boring,” Hubcap said at the same time. “Messing about is half the fun. At least that one scientist made some knot-tying artwork with the other seaweed. That’s some fine messing about.”
“Knot-tying?” Ted asked, standing up from shoveling. “Which scientist?”
Elliot was curious too. This was the first he’d heard of it.
“Ilsa something,” Hubcap said. “But if she gets in trouble for it, you didn’t hear that from me.”
“That’s weird,” Ted said. “The guys were talking about some other waterweeds they found tied in knots.” He shook dirt off his shovel. “Must be the new craze in slacking. Couldn’t have been the same person; there’s no Ilsa on their team.”
Elliot glanced at a camera. “Is there a chance the native life is doing it?”
Ted looked into the distance. “Hm. Doubt it. I haven’t heard of anything with fingers dexterous enough for that. And it sounds like some complicated knots. Anyway,” he said, rooting around in his bag. “I’ve probably got enough for the casserole. Should be heading back now.”
“Aw, we didn’t see a supergopher,” Hubcap pouted. “Maybe if we squeak some more.” He let fly with a series of high-pitched chirrups that made all of the humans cover their ears. Elliot winced as Hubcap held a pose with one hand cocked to the side of his head, listening with a hopeful expression. When only silence greeted him, he dropped his hand. “Well, poop.”
“We can always check back later,” Elliot told him.
“Yeah, we should go hurry up and wait,” Hubcap said with a look at the third-floor windows.
Elliot thanked Ted for the education on the gardens and dangers therein, offering to help carry the bag of tubers. Ted politely declined and led the way back along the concrete pathway. As they walked, Elliot pointed out the grassback flatworms for some long-range footage, but otherwise the cameras stayed off.
He was talking about a friend’s escape-prone pet ferret with a talent at hiding in tall grass when Hubcap jumped and pointed back at the garden.
“That plant just moved!” he said. “Come on!” Hubcap sprinted away. Ted dropped his bag on the concrete and raced after him with the shovel at the ready. Elliot and the others hurried, cameras clicking on.
“There!” Hubcap said, pointing to a jiggling plant at the end of a row. “It was just sitting in a burrow waiting for us to leave!” He dashed forward and leapt with a yell to land heavily next to the plant. “Missed it!” He began leaping around with both feet, apparently trying to stomp on either side of the animal and trap it.
“It’ll be gone by now,” Ted told him, jogging to a halt. “Just dug straight down.”
“Crapdoodle,” the robot said, ending his hopping dance and regarding the many footprints he’d left. “Should we dig this plant up and see what’s left of it?”
“Naw,” Ted said. “If it’s dead, we’ll know next time we’re out here, but if it’s good, it’ll keep growing. Let’s be off, then.”
“Oh, fine.”
The group moved out again, but this time they didn’t get far before Hubcap yelled. “Wait!”
“What now?” Elliot asked as his co-host sprinted away in a different direction, this time launching himself toward a half-buried boulder at the far edge of the garden. The robot plunged his hands deep into the soil.
“Ha!” he exclaimed, rearing back and pulling free a wriggling shape that flung dirt everywhere.
“Wow, nice catch!” Elliot said in surprise while the camera crew spread around to get better shots. The creature was roughly the size of a house cat, with a horn-covered head that tapered into a point, and multiple feet with long claws doing their best to maul the impervious robot who held it.
“Hold him still!” Ted instructed, taking a stance with his bladed shovel.
Hubcap started to object, but the animal squirmed violently sideways. Ted’s shovel clanged harmlessly off its drillbit head. The impact was enough to jolt it loose from Hubcap’s grasp, and despite the robot’s quick reflexes, the creature kicked free and dove for the ground where it vanished with impressive speed.
Hubcap dug after it, but the thing was gone. He finally sat back and exclaimed in good-natured frustration. “Dang. At least I caught one!” he said to the others. “And no killing defenseless beasties on camera,” he told Ted sternly.
Ted shrugged. “Got to protect our food somehow. Good catch, though. That’s the first time I’ve seen anybody pull one out of the ground like that.”
Hubcap bowed while Elliot speculated whether the squeaky animal impressions had really attracted the creature.
“Could be,” Ted said, swinging his shovel back onto his shoulder. “We can play with it another time. But fun as this is, I really need to get those roots to the kitchen. There’s a lot of chopping and washing to do.”
“Well, thank you for talking with us,” Elliot said with a handshake. “We’d love to do this again another time.”
“And I will show off my critter-catching prowess!” Hubcap said, getting up.
They walked back at a brisk pace, with Elliot asking Ted about nonlethal pest deterrents and Tarja pointing out halfway there that Vic was in the window waving for their attention. The TV crew said goodbye to Ted and ran for the stairs. Elliot hoped desperately that Vic had some good news.