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“...And stay down!” Hubcap yelled at the prone form of his partner. “You daft running bastard! You were so sure that you’d never get the frenzy, then when you finally do, you take off like a rabbit on rocket fuel! You batty meatwad!”
He sat down with a thump, watching the unconscious human’s lungs heave. The pulse beating visibly at his neck was already starting to return to normal.
Hubcap looked back toward the distant mess of humanity. They had come a long way. Broccoli-shaped trees and other weirdness was all he saw.
“And now I have to carry your fleshy self back there. No gratitude at all.” He stood up and put the new SedEgg back in its compartment, making a note to get it refilled as soon as he reached base.
Well, right after seeing this maniac safely to the medcenter. He crouched and gathered the limp human in his arms, tucking his head in close, then set off at a brisk trot.
“You could have frenzied a different kind of fear, you know,” Hubcap said in a conversational tone. “You could have decided to climb a tree, or stick your head in a bush. Heck, you could have gotten angry at the rest of the idiots and taken a swing at someone. I’m sure you can hold your own in a fight. I’d bet money on you.” He chattered away as he ran, picking up speed now that Elliot was balanced securely.
The run took much longer this time. And yet, as he approached the battered clearing, he saw that a number of fighting humans still lurching around.
“You sleep well, like a good human larva,” Hubcap said, setting Elliot down under a tree. “Daddy has to go knock some heads together for the good of all humanity. Or at least the humanity in this forest.”
With that, he was up and running with his SedEgg at the ready.
“Sit down, dammit!” he shouted. “I have a medical fist! Don’t make me use it on you!”
In the end, there were a half dozen stubborn humans who needed the tender ministrations of his medical fist, all tough worker types who hadn’t managed to fall down on their own. The people in suits were mostly at the bottom of various piles. Once the remaining belligerents were down and snoring, Hubcap began checking the still forms on the ground. And those in the branches and shrubbery. And the heaps of humanity under the trees.
“Good shot, Vic,” he said to the director who had fallen from a tree squarely onto the only bush big enough to break her fall. “You probably could have landed on one of those guys too, if you had a choice. They look like they would make fine cushions.” The camera pile was intact. Good.
The men in question were sprawled on top of each other, bruised and bloodied but still breathing. Hubcap pulled the humans into more comfortable positions and moved on, still talking to no one and everyone.
“And they wondered why I keep pushing the employers to look for more robot workers,” he said. “Look at this! What a mess! None of you meatbags would be getting out of here alive if not for me. You’re welcome. And you’re welcome, and you’re welcome...” He found more bodies in the bushes, and carted them back to the clearing for a head count.
“Eight, nine ... How many of you idiots were there?” Hubcap said to the unconscious forms. “I’d never hear the end of it if I missed somebody, and let one of you fleshies shiver himself to death in a shrub somewhere. Especially when I have my nice fresh MEDICAL FIST!” He held the SedEgg up, looking around for replies. “It’s sterilized!” No new faces popped up, and he resumed counting. “You lot had better be grateful, is all I’m saying.”
He uncovered Xian in the middle of the biggest pile of fighters, looking like he may have been knocked out by an actual fist instead of a sedative. At any rate, he was breathing fine but had a lump on his forehead that would make an impressive bruise the next day. The other medics back at base could handle any concussion damage.
“No more headbanging for you, young man,” Hubcap quipped as he laid Xian out on the grass instead of on another human. “Or you either! Goodness, you all look a fright. I told your father that mush pot was a bad idea, but did he listen? Heavens, no! The man never does.” Hubcap paused and thought, with a limp arm still held in his hand. “Is it mush pot or mosh pit? I always get those confused. Oh well, it’s some form of human stupidity. Always trying to hurt yourselves, and I get to pick up the pieces. Pieces of you!” He pointed to an unconscious man who was missing teeth. “Keep track of your pieces, blast you!” He muttered away, lifting and pulling and checking vital signs. All of the idiot meatbags appeared tenderized but still functional.
“Thanks to me,” he repeated.
“Heeey,” called a faint human voice. “Anybody still alive back there?”
“Yeees,” Hubcap replied. “Do you require assistance?”
“Yes please,” said the voice, sounding relieved and female. Hubcap left the field strewn with sleeping meatheads and followed the voice, which turned out to be coming from a human he hadn’t talked to before. She was quite some distance away, at the bottom of a muddy ravine, with two unconscious men at her feet.
“What ho,” Hubcap said with a wave, looking down. “Are the gonads breathing?”
“If you mean these guys, yes,” she said with a strained smile. Her brown hair was coming out of its ponytail, and she brushed it aside tiredly. “I don’t think they even broke anything. Wanna help me get them back up there?”
“I would love to,” Hubcap said, picking his way down the slope. “I would like nothing better than to lug two more humans across the landscape. This terrain will be a nice change of pace.”
He slipped a little at the bottom, managing to turn it into an intentional slide. “Ta da!” he said, raising his arms at the dismount. “Which one first?”
“Doesn’t matter,” said the woman. She and the men wore the armor of conscripted locals rather than imported kneebreakers. “How about this one. Do you want me to get his feet, or would that not help at all?”
“Bah, I am robot; I am mighty! You just focus on getting your fleshy self up the hill without falling and breaking that neck you all prize so dearly.”
“Yes sir,” she said. “I’ll be up there, then.”
“Come, meathead,” Hubcap addressed the first sleeping man. “We’re going up the hill.”
His feet sank much farther into the mud with the human in his arms, making his progress undignified and slow, but he managed. He didn’t even topple forward and drop the guy.
“So what happened?” the woman asked from atop the slope as he approached, covered in mud. “Is everybody okay?”
“Everybody is breathing,” he told her. “And that’s the best that can be said. I think you three are the last to join the happy circle of snoring, which makes you the only fleshling to retain consciousness throughout this frenzy attack. I am most impressed.”
She chuckled as he set down the man and went back for the other. “Thanks. I figure it’s ‘cause I got far enough away when the mess started.”
“Ah, the tactical coward’s retreat, then?” Hubcap asked from downslope. “A wise gambit for protecting your squishy self.”
“It was not a retreat,” she said with a stern smile. “I was chasing these guys. Fred here got the mad frenzy and took off after Vince, who was running like the wind. Somebody had to track them down before they ran off and died. Or killed each other.”
Hubcap nodded as he lugged the man upward. “Ah, I see. A glorious victory then. Well done. You have won yourself bragging rights over every other meatbag in this lot. You should get your selection of mates.”
“My what?” she laughed.
“Your pick of the herd,” Hubcap said, dumping the second man next to the first. “Individuals who are heroic and impressive get to select any mate they choose, since all are in awe of their skills and virtues.” He nodded. “That is how it works. I have done studies.”
“...There’s a little more to it than that,” the human said. “Let’s get these guys back to the others, and I’ll see if I can explain it on the way.”
Hubcap bent down to pick up the man again. “Nonsense, there is nothing more to explain. I have seen it many times, with your firefighters and other such heroic specimens. You will do well. Tell me, did you tackle them both at once, or one at a time?”
“I tagged Fred when he was trying to get — What are you doing? Do you want help?”
Hubcap draped the limp man across his shoulders. “Nonsense. I am robot.”
“You are mighty. Right. And this is a creative way of — ah, carrying both. All right, then.”
Hubcap got to his feet, balancing one human across his shoulders and one in his arms. He could barely reach the arms and ankles of the one on top.
“Yes. I am mighty. Onward!”
“Right this way.” The woman went first, holding branches back for him, and he followed, leaving a trail of extra-deep footprints. “Here’s hoping the radio signal is strong enough to reach base from here,” she said. “I’d rather not have to hike all the way back.”
“I can fly an aircar!” Hubcap said.
“Really.”
“Probably. Given a moment of study.”
“Uh huh. The real question is, do you want to lug all of these people carefully back to the cars, and get them strapped in, making sure any injuries don’t get worse and no one wakes up screaming, with just the two of us to do it all?”
Hubcap regarded the human. “You make a fine point. Rescue vehicles it is.”
“Good. Cuz I don’t want to lug them around either.”
“Yes, unconscious humans do get awkwardly floppy when they are lifted,” Hubcap said, stepping around a fallen corkscrew tree. “It can be annoying. Someone else should definitely do it for us. We have handled the difficult part, and deserve to relax. After all of the meatbags are safely in the recovery pose. And arranged into conga lines for our amusement.”
She laughed at that. “The CEO should be at the front.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
The woman shook her head as she walked. “I’ll have quite the stories to tell when I get back to Earth. I’m glad I made it out of that one! Granted, I would have had good stories to tell in the afterlife, but even so. Here’s to living for more!” She raised an arm in tired victory.
His own arms occupied, Hubcap could only look at her. He privately decided that there was a conversation he needed to have. Then he changed the subject.
“That is an admirable outlook,” he told her. “You should indeed have your pick of mates. Might I recommend the eccentric redhead who is always followed adoringly by the camera people? He is prime breeding stock.”
She made an awkward smile. “Sorry, but I like girls.”
“Ah. That is unfortunate. Elliot has many girlish qualities, but he does not officially qualify. Perhaps one of our lovely camera ladies.” He freed a hand to pat her on the head. “We’ll set you up with a nice girl.”
The human laughed. “Thanks, Dad.”
“You are welcome,” Hubcap said with dignity. “Then we will plan a lavish wedding... with pink and purple bows on everything... and human foods with frosting... and a conga line with people who are actually awake!” He rambled on in this vein as they navigated the forest, making the human laugh and the time pass much faster.