twenty-six

Barbara Browning Philpot’s Diary

June 2

Coop and I broke up last night at the drive-in. All because of a green worm. It crawled real fast like it was doing push-ups all the way down his sleeve. I couldn’t drag my eyes away from that worm. Up and down up and down. One minute I was in love with Coop and the next I hated him and I was gagging. How could he not know what was crawling on him? I couldn’t love somebody that ignorant. But where had the worm come from? A tree or out of his body?

June 10

My friend Linnea said that Coop and Teeny Templeton went to the lake. Gag me with a spoon. That didn’t take long, did it? I just wonder if that worm came from Teeny’s peach farm. Maybe he’s been seeing her behind my back. I hate her and I hate Coop. I hope he drives his Mustang off the bridge and I hope Teeny is with him and I hope they suffer the way I’ve suffered.

June 19

I wasted four precious years of my precious life on a boy who attracts worms. He was just the water boy in high school and didn’t even play football. I was Miss Everything. I am destined for greatness. If I was Catholic, I’d pray to the patron saint of bad boyfriends because Coop was super bad.

June 21

Tonight I helped Father put together a Big Ben puzzle and I don’t even like the British. I hid five pieces under the rug. I’m not sorry I hid them and I’m not sorry I broke up with Coop.

June 29

Teeny and Coop went to a pool party at his house. I would like to cook her in a soup pot and feed her to the O’Malleys. They would all want my recipe. Teeny isn’t the only one who can cook. If someone reads my diary they will see my brilliance and know that I am bound for greatness. Even Hollywood. Even with the lack of commas my diary will make a good movie.

July 1

Coop is still dating the peach bitch. I have been thinking of ways to kill her. I could push a shish kebab skewer up her nose and her brains would leak out but I don’t like blood.

I might stop keeping a diary because it’s a time suck.

July 31

Today I didn’t think about Coop. I went shopping with Linnea and every outfit I put on looked so cool. I should be on a soap opera or a TV game show. I wouldn’t mind a job like Vanna White. I could spin the wheel for a show called I Want To Buy A Consonant.

August 2

Coop won’t return my phone calls and I don’t know why because he’s always worshipped me. Is he screwing Teeny? Maybe I should have screwed him. Maybe I still can. But how can I get him alone?

August 8

Today is Coop’s 19th birthday. I called his house and his mama answered and she made Coop talk to me. I told him I’d had a flat tire and I was afraid a rape/strangler would snatch me. I wasn’t lying. I am very beautiful and men follow me down the street and I just ignore them.

When Coop showed up to fix my tire, I laid on top of him and I wasn’t wearing panties and that was the end of Teeny Templeton.

August 28

Coop left for college today. He’s going to Chapel Hill, NC. I cried and cried and ruined my mascara. I thought I might go blind. I’m not cut out for a long-distance romance. I’m cut out for marriage and a membership in the Bonaventure Country Club. I’m beautiful and smart and glamorous. I’m the daughter of two professors and you don’t see me in college. I’ll let Coop take care of me.

September 18

Coop came home last weekend and tried to break up with me. I cried and he weakened. Linnea says he’s dating a cute cum dumpster at Chapel Hill but he denied it so I did some new things to him and he shut up and went back to North Carolina.

October 31

Coop was home for the Bonaventure Halloween parade and we watched it with his parents on Oglethorpe Square. Teeny walked by. Coop smiled and she smiled back. I pretended to be sick and made Coop take me home. Mother and Daddy were still at the parade so I took off my clothes but Coop pushed me away and said, I don’t love you, Barb. It’s over.

I’m too upset to write another word. I might commit suicide if I can find a way that doesn’t involve blood or pain.

November 2

I drove to Lester Philpot’s new drugstore today and asked if he had anything for a headache and he gave me an illegal pill. He broke the law just to relieve my pain. Now that is impressive. I let him kiss me. If he gives me more pills I’ll give him more than a kiss. Maybe.

November 4

I went back to Lester’s for more pills and he asked me out to dinner. He has a big forehead and big eyes and I bet the rest of him is big too. For our date I’m going to wear a black angora dress and high heels and a push-up bra. Coop will be so jealous when he hears I’m dating a pharmacist.

November 10

Lester and me didn’t make it to the Sailmaker Restaurant. He kissed me in the backseat of his Cadillac, which is an old man car. It was dark and he wouldn’t let me touch him there but he is a good kisser so I got distracted. He got on top of me grunting and pushing and grinding and breathing. The car fogged up. I shut my eyes and pretended he was Coop. But something was wrong. I didn’t feel anything inside me and then it was over and there was a grody wet spot on the backseat.

November 14

Tonight my parents went to Augusta. Lester came over and when he pulled out his you-know-what I thought it was a piece of string. He is no consolation prize. He’s not. I miss Coop but he’s gone, gone, gone and Lester is here, here, here. But his pharmacy is filled with pills that make me forget about his tiny parts.

November 16

I looked it up in the library and think Lester has a micro-penis. This is a real affliction. I don’t see why I should be saddled with it. Just until something better comes along. At least he has good drugs and I don’t have to pay for them.

November 20

I called Coop’s dorm but his roommate said, Sorry, he’s gone to a party with Megan. How can I love a man who doesn’t love me? I will find this Megan. Then I will cut out her kidneys, but I will do it carefully so she won’t die right away and then I will make her drink lots of water. And I will laugh when she can’t pee. People can die that way for real.

November 24

Lester invited me to spend Thanksgiving with his parents on Curry Island. I told him I was busy, then I drove to Savannah and met a guy with blue-gray eyes. When I squinted, he looked just like Coop. He says his name is A.M. Jones, which sounds fake. I told him my name was Teeny Templeton. I went to his room and it was a relief to see normal body parts.

November 26

I went to Savannah and had sex with the Coop-look-alike. I could fall for him if he didn’t wear polyester pants but you can’t have everything in a man.

December 1

A.M. left Savannah and went to sell insurance in Jacksonville. But we talk on the phone every day. I am a little bit in love with him but I wish he drove a cuter car. I will think about him tonight while I am having sex with Lester.

December 5

The key to handling a man is to maintain a pecking order. Chickens have the right idea. The top chicken gets to eat first. I met A.M. in Savannah and we went to a café and I gobbled up my food. I drove back to Bonaventure and had dinner with Lester.

December 9

Drugs I Stole from Lester’s Store

1. Xanax

2. Oxycontin

3. Percocet

4. Adderall

5. Ambien

December 14

I missed my period and it’s too soon to take a pregnancy test. Plus I threw up. Twice. I don’t want a baby. Who is its father? A micro or macro? Either way the baby will bust me wide open when it comes out and I don’t like pain. So I hope I’m just late.

I have to stop writing now and get dressed for my date with Lester.

December 18

Met A.M. and told him I might be pregnant, and he promised we’d elope. I’m meeting him tomorrow at our hotel.

Things I Don’t Like About A.M.

1. Travels

2. Drives a shitty Buick

3. Doesn’t floss his teeth

4. Cheap clothes from Target

P.S. I have to decide if I want big money or a big man.

December 19

I am sitting in the hotel room wearing a black thong and a lace bra. I am waiting for A.M. I have been waiting all day. Where is he? When he shows up I will act kind and then I will wait until he’s asleep and I will scoop out his eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon. I will look the other way when the blood runs down and his body convulses. I know what the initials A.M. mean.

A Man.

I bet he is married and who cares, he has to do right by me.

December 20

A.M. never showed up. And I’ve got his demon seed inside me.

December 21

I am at art class, sitting in Miss Emma’s sunroom, pretending to paint clouds, but I am watching Coop. He is in the gazebo, reading a book. If only he was my baby’s father. He almost could be. I’m freshly pregnant. If I sleep with Coop today, a baby will pop out in nine months and he will think he is the father. This might work.

More later.

December 22

I had Coop on his back in 3 seconds. He tried to make me quit but I was wearing the black thong and I bet he’s never seen one. I forgot how huge My Lord Hugeness is. Now that is a real man. I wrapped my legs around him so he couldn’t get away and then it was over and he wouldn’t talk to me. He got dressed and went into his house.

Ha ha, I whispered. Just wait. I’ve got you now.

December 23

I can’t wait to tell Coop that we made a baby. He will marry me. He is half Catholic and he will not let me have an abortion. I will get us an apartment in Chapel Hill and I will decorate it with blue and white plaid curtains. I will bake bread. I will be such a good wife.

December 28

I just got back from Savannah. The doctor said, Congratulations, Miss Templeton, you’re expecting a baby. I hope words gets out that Teeny is pregnant. I still hate her for dating Coop. We’d be together if it wasn’t for her.

December 31

This is the most unhappy New Years Eve of my entire life. I drove by Coop’s house. He was in the yard with his crazy granny and a petite brunette with big boobies. They were holding hands, watching the granny shoot fireworks.

I needed a new babydaddy. I drove straight to Lester’s drugstore. He was just closing up. I wished him a Happy New Year and wa-la, I took off my clothes.

January 4

Things I Hate About Lester

1. Tiny-meat

2. Big ego

3. Bad breath

4. Drives an old man car

5. Big eyes

6. Horrid ears

7. Ugly kneecaps

8. Mole on his right nipple

January 15

I mailed Coop a coded letter and he mailed it back. I sent another note and it came back with RETURN TO SENDER written on it, in Coop’s neat-nick handwriting. I called his dorm and his roommate said Coop and his girlfriend were at a movie. The roommate told me to stop badgering Coop. He said I was pathetic. I’d like to spray-paint his body so he’d suffocate, but I’m not a cruel woman.

January 28

Will an abortion hurt? Probably. Unless they give me pain medicine. I bet they don’t do that unless you have an actual baby. I want lots and lots of pain medicine. When I go into labor, I want a bikini caesarian. I’d rather have a scar than a big vajayjay.

February 3

I looked up the number for a family planning clinic. I don’t want my stomach to swell and get stretch marks. I don’t want big boobies and swollen feet and hemorrhoids. I’ve seen the heads of newborns. I might as well get pills from Lester and kill myself now because how will the fetus come out without killing me?

February 14

I am getting married today. I am carrying the child of a traveling salesman, but I am marrying a guy whose micro-peen should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. I threw up twice today. I am so nauseated I can’t keep a diary. I will never write another word. I will recover from childbirth and I will go to Savannah and find lovers and babysitters. I will get over Coop. I will be child-free and famous and everyone who was mean to me will kiss the hem of my petticoat.