29
Aura could hardly contain herself. Group therapy was always unpleasant, though less so than Dr. Hope’s excruciating tests. But today she had an agenda. Which she was having a difficult time implementing. “Smug? Me?”
“You heard what I said,” Mnemo replied.
“I am, like, the least smug person on the face of the earth.”
“Not from where I’m sitting.”
“You don’t know me.”
“We know you well enough.” Tank folded her arms across her broad chest. “You’re not the first pretty face to waltz into rehab, you know. You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you? You don’t need this place. You don’t need help from anyone.”
“I don’t think I’ve got it all figured out.” She scooted her pool chair closer. “I don’t think I’ve got anything figured out. All I said was that I didn’t understand why people have such negative attitudes toward Shines. I mean, it’s not as if we asked to be Shines.”
“We’re abominations,” Tank said. “That’s what everyone says back in Nebraska.”
“That’s a little harsh.” Dr. Coutant interjected herself into the convo. This was the first time the purported leader had spoken since the therapy session began. After what that woman had put her through, she had a hard time even breathing the same air, much less pretending that she considered Coutant a trusted advisor. “Aberrations, perhaps. But surely not abominations. At least not all Shines.”
“Thanks for that strong show of support, doc.” Dream tipped a finger. “Good to know someone’s got our backs.”
Gearhead leaned forward. She still avoided eye contact, but at least the girl spoke to her. “We don’t sense the desperation in you that we all feel.”
“Oh, shut up,” Dream said. “And by the way, I know you’re the one who stole my iPod.”
“I needed parts for my teleportation experiments.”
She blinked. “I don’t get it Gearhead. Do you want me to feign desperation? What good does desperation do anyone? I try to stay positive. And aren’t we supposed to say what we think?”
“Yes,” Gearhead replied. “And we’re supposed to tell you when we think you’re full of it. Which would be, essentially, always. Right, girls?” The three members of 4B nodded.
This was not going the way she’d hoped. She wanted this to be the next step in recruiting 4B to their escape plan. But this clownfest was increasing the acrimony, not decreasing it.
“I don’t get why you think I’m full of it just because I don’t think we should be embarrassed about who we are. Shines would be a lot better off if we stopped fighting with each another and started working together. Like, as a team of kindred spirits. Not prisoners trapped in the same cellblock.”
“That’s exactly what they’re afraid we’ll do,” Mnemo said. “I’ve read several books on the subject of mass psychosis. Perceived fear. They locked us up to prevent us from banding together.”
“Now Mnemo,” Coutant said, “I don’t think that’s the—”
“Is that where all these rumors about Ohm come from?” Tank asked. “Is that part of the brainwashing? Holding out the promise of heaven if we just behave ourselves?”
“A Shine paradise,” Mnemo rolled her eyes. “Don’t chainmail me. We know how ridiculous that is. We can’t go ten seconds without jumping down one another’s throats.”
She felt exhausted. But she refused to quit trying.
And at that moment, the answer popped into her head with such clarity that it startled her.
“We do not have to give in to self-loathing, girls,” she began. “I know that’s how we’ve been taught to think. But we don’t have to buy the party line. We can think for ourselves. We don’t have to believe we’re bad or evil or freaks just because other people say we are.”
Dr. Coutant peered through her narrow eyeglasses. “Did you ever consider the possibility, Aura, that you could be in denial?”
“Did you ever consider the possibility that all Shines might not be exactly the same?”
The corners of Coutant’s lips twitched.
She remembered that she had promised to be good. Not to stir up trouble. If she made Coutant think she was inciting insurrection, she might end up back on the wrong end of the cattle prod. And Beverly would get worse.
But she was supposed to express her feelings in group, right? So she would tell the girls something they all needed to hear—but she’d tread carefully. Coutant wouldn’t get a whiff of her endgame.
“We’re still people, you know. And all people are not alike. What kind of people criticize others for something they can’t control? For the way they were born?”
“Do you remember the first step, Aura?” Coutant asked.
She nodded.
“Say it for me.”
“Why? You know it. We are powerless and our lives have become unmanageable.”
“But you don’t believe that.”
She glanced at the other girls in the circle. “I don’t feel powerless. I feel like I could make a positive contribution, if someone would give me half a chance. And I don’t think my life ever became unmanageable.”
“So in your opinion, what happened in Seattle was perfectly managed.”
She should’ve seen that cheap shot coming. “That—was not what I intended. Things got out of control.”
“Which would be the very definition of ‘unmanageable.’”
“You told us to be honest about our feelings, so I will. I feel like you don’t even listen to what I say, like you’ve already decided what my diagnosis will be—what everyone’s diagnosis will be—before we arrive. I am a Shine, but I am not sick. I do not have a disease.”
Tank’s brows knitted together. “Are you completely delusional? You brought down the flicking Space Needle.”
The entire circle fell silent. For a long time.
“Okay,” she said, flipping her hair back, “so I’m not perfect. I’ll admit that. But that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of…complete loony loser. And it doesn’t mean I should be locked up.”
Coutant leaned forward and patted her on the knee. She almost cringed. “Give it some time, Aura. Everyone has difficulty admitting they have a problem. At first. But you’ll come around. I know you will.” Coutant gazed deeply into her eyes. “It’s the only way you’ll survive.”