The 1992 film The Crying Game is arguably the most notable movie with a significant trans role. In it, the main character, Fergus, an Irish Republican Army operative, pursues a woman, Dil, whom he knows little about except that she is the former girlfriend of a man he captured. Like many other films and TV shows about trans people by nontrans people, including Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Crocodile Dundee, and The 40-Year-Old Virgin, the “big reveal” is the trans character’s trans identity. In The Crying Game, this reveal, to both the main character and the audience, comes as Dil undresses and we see her penis and scrotum. In predictable fashion, Fergus responds by running to the bathroom to throw up.
Trans people, especially trans women, are repeatedly cast as deceptive. A constant barrage of news stories portrays “unsuspecting” men who have been “fooled” into sleeping with trans women. Online forums such as Debate.org discuss whether it should be illegal for a trans person to sleep with someone without disclosing their trans identity. In 2013, a UK court of appeals sided with a teenage girl who claimed she had been sexually assaulted by a teenage trans boy because the two had dated and he had given her consensual oral and digital sex without disclosing that he was trans.
Though cisgender men are often painted as the victims in these stories, statistics demonstrate that it is the trans people who are commonly the subjects of emotional and physical violence. In August 2013, James Dixon and a few of his friends began chatting up a group of women on a New York City sidewalk. Among the women was Islan Nettles. Dixon reportedly asked Nettles if she was trans, and when she answered affirmatively, he began to beat her. He punched her so hard that her head hit the ground, causing her such serious brain injury that she died in a hospital five days later. “I just didn’t want to be fooled,” Dixon admitted during a police interview.
Every third day, a transgender person is reported murdered, and this is likely an underestimate, as many murders of trans people are never brought to the attention of authorities. Heterosexual cisgender men are, by far, the majority of perpetrators in these crimes, and there is social acceptability in some circles to claim “trans panic” as a defense—the idea that learning someone is trans can cause a temporary inability to prevent yourself from killing them. In 2014, California became the first state to ban “gay panic” or “trans panic” as defenses in court, but elsewhere in the United States these arguments are still permitted.
The concept of disclosure is very complex to a trans or gender-nonconforming person:
The first step in coming out is coming out to yourself. This can take a significant period of time—often years and sometimes decades. People who are exploring their gender identities often start by reaching out to online or in-person support groups in order to build community and hear stories so they can compare them to their own. Once they feel they understand themselves, they may begin to consider if and how to tell others.
Some trans people make a decision to be “stealth,” keeping their identities private from all or most people. On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who feel it is important to be open to a large number of people about their identities, sometimes for political reasons. Almost all trans people are open to some people and not to others, and most fall somewhere in between these two ends of the spectrum.
Although there is often a lot of focus on trans people coming out to potential sexual or romantic partners, most people come out to those they are not intimately involved with, such as family, friends, and coworkers. Deciding who, how, and when to tell can be extremely complicated. For some people, coming out may not be a choice. For those who decide to make physical changes, it may be obvious to those around them that something is different about them.
For those who are able to make choices about coming out, there are many potential issues to consider: Who should you tell first? Will certain people feel hurt if they aren’t the first to hear? Is the best way to come out in person or in a letter? Is there any possibility of physical danger in coming out?
Friends are different from family. Close friends are different from acquaintances. And strangers are something distinct altogether. Coming out at work may be unavoidable if you are changing gender markers on official paperwork, such as a Social Security card. For some people, it is possible to collaborate with their human resources department to maintain privacy from the rest of a company, but in small offices this may not be an option. Coming out to every stranger on the street is inappropriate and potentially dangerous.
Being transgender is not the only thing about ourselves that we disclose in different ways to different people. There are many other personal matters, such as health issues, whether we have children, and histories of incarceration, that we may keep private until we feel ready to share.
It can be especially challenging to decide if and how to disclose your trans status to a child or teenager. Children are at different developmental stages and may not see gender in the same ways as adults. For example, most small children have not yet learned that gender is usually stable, and they may believe that growing one’s hair long or wearing certain clothes “magically” changes a person’s gender. Adolescents may react with embarrassment or anger, or they may feel uncomfortable and take out their feelings on the person who is coming out. On the other hand, given the increasing openness to gender and sexuality issues among adolescents, teens may be some of trans people’s greatest advocates.
One’s stage in life and geography may affect how and when a person comes out. Young people starting college may have the privilege of leaving their high school and starting “fresh” in a new place—although, in the age of social media, it may no longer be possible to start over completely. People living in small towns may be forced to transition in a very visible way, often not by choice. Rural areas can be difficult places to come out but can also sometimes be surprisingly supportive.
For those trans people in intimate relationships, or hoping to find them, the decision whether and when to disclose can be one of the toughest. Many people, such as well-known author and New York Times columnist Jennifer Finney Boylan, are already in long-term relationships when they come to understand their trans identity. Some partners are aware that there is something “different” early on and may find the trans person’s gendered feelings and behaviors attractive. For other partners, learning about someone’s trans identity can be difficult, and some relationships end after disclosure. It can be one of the hardest choices of a trans person’s life to decide to disclose if it means risking losing a long-term partner.
For trans people who are dating, every step of the relationship-building process with new potential partners can be anxiety provoking. For many, it feels like a catch-22: disclosing too early may not give someone enough time to get to know you as a whole person, while waiting too long can sometimes lead to feelings of betrayal. But when is too early and when is too late? Is it always important for trans people to disclose if they are interested in short-term sexual partners? What about in potentially unsafe situations? Trans people do their best to navigate these situations, and all people have the right to decide what will make them most comfortable. Everyone has different answers.
Often, when a heterosexual cisgender man is angry about a transgender woman not disclosing her history, it is because the man fears what it would mean to admit that he was attracted to her. Because the man fears social judgment from his peers and the implication that he might be gay, and because transgender people’s identities are often not honored, cisgender men can suffer shame and ridicule for the possibility that they could be attracted to someone who currently has or ever had a penis. It only remains an attack on someone’s masculinity to be attracted to someone with a penis if being gay is stigmatized. Were homophobia not so prevalent, a man who was initially attracted to a trans woman, but was no longer interested once he found out what body parts she had, could politely say so and move on without any stigma.
Popular media may focus on cisgender people who are “tricked” into believing a trans person is cis, but many trans people spend significant amounts of mental energy on managing disclosure, carefully working to keep themselves safe and maintain a basic level of privacy. Trans people make decisions on a daily basis about revealing information to friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances, and potential partners. Rather than painting them as deceptive, we should consider how difficult it is to face every day with such difficult questions about how to be who you are in the world.