Like so many others, the majority of transgender and gender-nonconforming people search for romantic and sexual partners with whom to share feelings and experiences; they also seek to give and receive comfort and to build a life with rich emotional and physical intimacy.
But there is a persistent myth that most trans people end up depressed and lonely. This belief is predicated on the notion that trans people are so maladjusted or outside the “norm” that they cannot be loved, and the assumption that there is something shameful about being attracted to trans people. There is also the underlying fear that being in a relationship with a trans person will make an otherwise heterosexual person gay. Though trans people do have dating and relationship challenges like everyone else, many enjoy thriving personal lives.
Sadly, the myth that trans people cannot find partners has a basis in truth. Trans and gender-nonconforming people often lament “dating while trans,” finding it to be a disheartening experience. After claiming our true selves, or examining the meaning of gender in our lives, being unable to find a partner can instill loneliness and trigger depression. “Stigma by association,” the stigma felt by those whose identities might be mainstream but who are around stigmatized people, or judgment from families or peers, can also be difficult for our potential partners.
Trans people often face rejection, including from those who might otherwise be interested. Jazz Jennings, a well-known trans youth activist, notes:
Let’s face it, your average straight cis-gender teenage boy isn’t going to pursue a relationship with a trans-girl [sic]. Even if he does find her attractive, it could be social suicide if he acts on his feelings. I know this, because this is my life. . . . Boys flirt and hug my friends, but they just whisk by me as if I don’t exist. Maybe they’re afraid they’ll get cooties, but this is high school so I doubt it’s that—but it sure feels that way.
Jazz’s situation is not uncommon. In a study of 889 trans people living in the United Kingdom, 79 percent agreed with the statement “When I think about having sex, I worry that there are very few people who would want to have sex with me.” Some participants—experiencing their own dysphoria and their fear that others would not find them attractive—believed an active sex or romantic life was impossible until after surgical intervention. One study participant stated, “I used to fit into a neat category but now I don’t, so it is hard to find sexual partners who are interested in me as I don’t have what they are looking for.”
Trans and gender-nonconforming people often develop social anxiety earlier in life due to internalized shame and fear of discrimination, which can hamper their dating even post-transition. Geography and age often also present problems. Younger people who live in urban or progressive communities have greater access to potential partners, but older people or those who live in conservative regions may face more difficulty.
Sometimes it is assumed that LGBQ+ people will be more open to dating trans partners than heterosexual people are, but the same biases often exist within queer communities. According to a recent survey by the dating site Match.com, less than half of LGBTQ+ people expressed openness to dating someone transgender or gender nonconforming.
Genderqueer people face specific obstacles. Not fitting into traditional male or female categories can make it difficult for others to classify them. People who are unfamiliar with genderqueer identities may not feel comfortable interacting with them or negotiating sex that does not necessarily have predictable roles.
Cisgender lovers of trans and gender-nonconforming people also face prejudice. “Stigma by association” was first described by Erving Goffman in 1963 as “courtesy stigma,” and it refers to the process by which the people around an individual with a stigmatized identity are often subject to similar shame, abuse, and discrimination.
Dating someone trans can be challenging in other ways. A trans partner may or may not have the genitalia one is accustomed to. Many cis people report fear of not knowing how to make love to someone trans.
Identity issues are also complex. A cis man dating a trans woman—whether or not she has a penis—may wonder what this means for his sexuality or may fear that the relationship could make him appear to others as gay. In same-sex relationships, the opposite might be true. Some people consider sexuality to be about anatomy; for instance, a lesbian dating a trans woman may question her own sexuality or be afraid that others will interpret her as suddenly heterosexual, especially if the trans partner retains a penis, just as some gay men may wonder about their identity after having sex with someone who possesses a vulva.
In lesbian communities, identity issues often come up when one formerly female-identified partner transitions to male. “Lesbian” is, for some women, a political identity as much as a sexual one. It can signify an opposition to a mainstream culture that has been oppressive to women. When one member of a couple transitions to male, the couple may begin to be perceived as straight. Cisgender lesbian partners of trans men often report feeling robbed of their countercultural sense of self when their partners transition.
But there is room for optimism. The UK trans study mentioned above documented significant improvement in confidence and empowerment with transition. “Being able to express this part of my identity sexually has definitely improved my sex life,” said one respondent. Another commented, “Now I don’t feel that my body is gross and icky; I can actually enjoy it!” The increase in comfort and connection to their bodies translated into a better sex life for these trans people.
Some study participants also reported that hormones improved their libido, and mental health: “Before transitioning my sex drive had become almost non-existent due to my depression,” said one person. “Now that I have started transitioning I have become sexually active again.”
Magazines and mainstream websites have begun catering to the increasing number of cisgender people dating trans people. Articles such as Perks Magazine’s “A Beginner’s Guide to Dating a Transgendered Person,” Cosmopolitan’s “12 Things You Should Know Before Dating a Transgender Guy,” and Everyday Feminism’s “6 Things Every Man Who Dates Trans Women Needs to Know” address cis people’s questions and concerns, and have made cis-trans relationships increasingly acceptable within the broader society.
Many trans people find success by dating within queer circles, which can be particularly fruitful environments for gender-nonconforming people and those still in mid-transition. Queer communities often view body norms as outdated. Traditional “penis-in-vagina” sex sometimes happens, though it may say nothing about the identities of the individuals involved. The broad mix of activities and identities within queer communities often leads to interactions that sexualize other areas of the body. Often, participants are focused more on mutual pleasure then on specific genitalia. Sex organs may or may not be associated with any particular gender. Sometimes body parts are simply body parts.
Ultimately, trans and gender-nonconforming people are happily engaged in relationships of all varieties, some living more straightforward and heteronormative lives that include marriage and children, and others living radical, polyamorous, kinky lifestyles.
Whatever our bodies, identities, expressions, or orientations, we have an equal right to loving partners and rewarding romantic lives, and we are increasingly finding partners with whom to share these experiences.