––––––––
As I watched Shaw preparing to leave, I tried to fight off the impending dread by imagining I was in one of those movie scenes where the man is readying himself to leave for war or some other ill-fated quest and the love of his life, brave but teary-eyed, hands him some kind of token to remember her by. Of course I had no token to present to Shaw, nor was I the love of his life. However, in my own mind, I could picture the scene perfectly and even in my own fantasy where Shaw would hold me in a loving embrace, my depression could not be swayed. Even the weather reflected my mood. It was cold, gray, and drizzling.
The only ounce of joy I felt was being able to see the Elves' horses. They were honest to goodness unicorns. They looked exactly like regular horses, they even were the same size and colors of horses that I had seen every day back home, but they each had one glorious long horn coming from the center of their heads. The color of the horn was unique to the horse. Shaw readied a chestnut unicorn, and its horn was golden. I loved the idea of unicorns actually existing. It was a dream come true. Unfortunately, it had to occur during my nightmare of Shaw leaving.
Everyone who had been in the meeting a few days ago had reassembled to see Shaw off. Shaw stood a few yards away, saying a private good-bye to Markella. She had a huge grin on her face and she kept casting sidelong glances at me. I was paranoid that I was the topic of their conversation, and I really hoped Markella wasn't revealing anything to Shaw that I didn't want him to know.
"How long do you think he'll be gone?" I asked Charis as nonchalantly as possible.
Quite honestly, I annoyed myself with my desperate attempts to pretend Shaw was not constantly in the forefront of my mind. I'm sure my acting skills were subpar, so I was afraid everyone could see straight through me. It was truly tiresome to pretend that I wasn't infatuated with him, and I wondered how long I could keep up the charade.
"A few months, perhaps," she replied, looking solemn. "I think he plans on staying for a while to help with the fighting and to push back Leticia's army. This will aid the Giants. After that, he will return."
"Will he be all right?" I knew Shaw was the best warrior, but I shuddered at the idea of him going into battle.
"Do not fret, he will return to you." I couldn't tell if she was smiling at me because she knew how I felt, or because she foresaw that he would be perfectly fine, and any worry I had was completely in vain.
Markella and Shaw finished speaking, and Markella gracefully pranced over to us while Shaw spoke to the three Dwarfs.
"I'll have to tell you what he said later," she told me with a wink.
I just returned her huge smile with a weak one of my own, and walked over to the large fenced in paddock holding a handful of the Elves' unicorns. I was too depressed for Markella's jubilant attitude right now. I leaned on the fence and stroked the neck of a black unicorn that had a dark blue horn, my back to the group saying good-bye to Shaw. I didn't want him to see that I was fighting back tears.
Another unicorn wandered over to me. This one was palomino with a cream colored horn that matched his mane and tail. I was petting both unicorns when Shaw came and stood with me by the fence.
He didn't say anything, so I hesitantly looked at his face. He looked across the paddock, silvery blue eyes distant. I desperately wished I knew what he was thinking. I focused on the black unicorn and said, "I don't want you to go." I wanted it to be a strong statement urging him to stay, but my shaky voice betrayed me.
Shaw didn't respond to my statement. "We need you to be careful, we need you to stay safe." He turned to face me. His stare was very intense, his eyes never wavering from me.
"We?"
"The people of Meric. If anything happens to you, there will be nothing to stop Leticia. You are our only hope. I wish I could be here to protect you, but King Tornus is right. I need to be the one who speaks to the Giants." He sighed deeply, then touched his fingers to my shoulder. With sparks firing beneath my skin, he slowly moved his fingers down my arm.
I held my breath, wondering if I held it long enough I could die happy from this simple contact. Perhaps if I stopped breathing completely Shaw would have to stay. I thought about that as his fingers traced the curve in my elbow toward my hand. When he finally reached my hand he held it. I forced myself to breathe again, but was pretty sure my heart stopped for a moment.
I didn't realize any tears had escaped my eyes until he cupped my face with his free hand and wiped the tear with his thumb. He held his hand there, and I closed my eyes, trying to commit the entire moment to memory.
He sighed again and dropped both of his hands to his side. "I need to get going. Please stay safe."
He walked away, but didn't get more than five feet from me before I called out his name. He turned and I flung my arms around his neck. I held on to him as fiercely as I could. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and lifted me off the ground.
"You stay safe," I breathed into his ear, laying my cheek softly against his.
He slowly lowered me to the ground, but did not break the embrace. He pressed his body harder against mine, tightening our hug, and his face buried into my hair. Shaw took a long, drawn out breath, his fingers clutched the back of my cloak. He finally pulled away from me, and as he let me go, he brushed his cheek along mine. He turned his head a fraction of an inch and I felt his soft lips graze my cheek.
I gasped. Was that a kiss? Did Shaw just kiss me? Did he mean for that to happen? It was so soft, so quick, that I couldn't be sure.
Our eyes met and he offered me a humorless smile. A fraction of a second later he was astride his unicorn. Raising his hand in one quick wave to the entire group, he rode down the white gravel stone road toward the entrance of Verna Mount. It took him less than a minute to be out of my sight as the road curved around a bend, and I stared after him with my heart breaking in my chest.
"So, do you still think he's not in love with you?" Markella said from beside me. I didn't even realize she was there.
Not taking my eyes from the bend in the road, I simply replied, "No, he isn't."
"Perhaps you can't tell, but you should see the way he looks at you. It's written all over his face." She paused and then waved for Charis to join us. As soon as Charis was within hearing range, Markella continued. "Now, Charis. You see things right, the future and whatnot? What do you see in store for Christina and Shaw?"
Charis laughed out loud. She laughed so hard, she clutched at her chest, gasping for air. I didn't know what was so funny. Maybe the idea of Shaw and me together was a bit comical to someone like Charis, but did she really need to laugh that much? It was a bit insulting, really. She never answered Markella. She just continued to laugh while she walked away, as if the whole thing was one big personal joke for her.
"Well, there you go," I said, as if Charis' reaction was answer enough.
Markella didn't say anything else right away, and even though I still stared at the gravel road, I knew the people behind me were drifting away, going about whatever other business they had planned for the day.
Finally, Markella said, "So do you want to know what Shaw said to me?"
"I suppose," I replied with a depressed sigh.
"He told me that while he is gone, I need to act as your Watcher for him. He said, 'nothing and I mean nothing can happen to Christina'. He practically begged me to make sure you stay safe."
"Yes, well he wants me to stay safe so I can defeat Leticia," I said matter-of-factly, trying to show her how wrong her romanticized version of Shaw's feelings was.
"Maybe," she replied, "but I think there's more to it than that." She let the topic drop, which I was grateful for, because I might start believing her. A false hope that Shaw actually did love me, and that someday we would be together was something I did not need.
My life in Verna Mount revolved around routine, and I was thankful for this. It kept me busy, which was exactly what I needed to whittle away the days without Shaw.
Markella took her order from Shaw very seriously. She was always with me no matter who I was with, what I did, or where I went. The great thing about her was that she always gave me some personal distance. She stayed far enough away that she couldn't hear conversations, but she always kept me in her field of vision in case I needed her, although I never did. Markella explained to me that Shaw told her this distance was the mark of a good Watcher, never be intrusive on the life of the person you're guarding. Thinking back over my life, and how Shaw had always been there, I realized just how good he had been in this area. Always on my radar, but never in my way.
First thing in the mornings, my mother would venture from her rooms in the palace to mine so we could share a nice and peaceful breakfast together. I really enjoyed this time with my Elf mother. Having lost my—I guess she could be called foster—mother when I was only twenty-four meant we were only just beginning to enjoy quality time together as adults. I had always longed for more time like this, and even though Queen Lorna wasn't exactly the same, it was still very nice to have this interaction. She was such a kind and lovely person, very elegant and serene. I couldn't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had never been sent away from Meric. Would I have a similar serenity? Or would I still have my sarcastic attitude? Although I had to admit, the more time I spent in Meric, the more I felt my cynicism ebb away. This entire experience forced me to let go of my old ways, my old attitudes, and become the person I was born to be. But who that person was I really didn't know yet.
My mother and I would talk about everything. My life back home, her life here, my other parents, King Davis, my slowly emerging powers, basically anything that came to mind. It was wonderful to get to know her, and through her, I got to know my father. We even talked about Shaw, although I was a bit guarded with how I spoke about him. It was bad enough that Markella had managed to guess my true feelings. I didn't want anyone else to know. I was here with a job to do, and I shouldn't let anything get in the way of that, even my love for Shaw.
Love. Yes, I had to face the facts and call it what it really was. There was no sense in pretending or lying to myself anymore. I could attempt to hide my feelings from everyone else, but I might as well be honest with myself. I was in love with Shaw. But just because I was finally able to admit it to myself, didn't mean I wanted anyone else to know. Not only that, but I knew there was no way Shaw felt the same way about me. I had a mountain-sized pile of reasons why I knew this to be true.
After breakfast, Tamalie would collect me from my rooms and we would spend a few hours together. Originally, she assigned herself as my guide to show me all of Verna Mount, but after we had explored everything, we realized that we really enjoyed each other's company. We had become fast friends. In fact, I would go as far as to call her my best friend and I know she would say the same of me.
Sometimes we would go unicorn riding throughout the countryside. Other times, we would carefully cross the Stark Ravine and hunt for Lammerna flowers. She enjoyed seeing my astonishment as she pointed out different animals to me. She really found it interesting trying to imagine what animals from my home looked like as I explained them to her. She showed me raccoons that didn't have stripes. They were dark solid brown. I got to see birds so amazing I could never have dreamed them up in a thousand years. Some of them were large enough to carry away a human. One time, we even saw a bear that had a bluish green coat and a russet colored mountain goat the size of a horse. As much fun as our adventures out were, I think my favorite times with Tamalie were when we would simply sit together and talk. She told me she was the oldest of fifteen brothers and sisters. Because she was the oldest, she was the one who attended meetings with her father as second in line for the stewardship. She explained that Elves rule by seniority, not gender. If Prince Jonus had been a girl he would still be next in line for the throne. Tamalie and I related so well with each other that our conversations were effortless, like we had been friends for years. I was fortunate that I was able to make such a fantastic friend.
One day, while Tamalie and I sat just outside of Verna Mount looking over the Stark Ravine and enjoying a nice picnic lunch, she brought up the topic of men.
"Prince Jonus has certainly taken a liking to you," she said. She was right. The prince did seem overly attentive toward me, and I was frankly overwhelmed that he would even be interested. Every day after lunch, I met with Jonus and he instructed me on my sword fighting. Every day he brought me some new exotic flower, or some beautiful piece of jewelry, or a lovely article of clothing. He never came right out and said that he was interested in me, but from all the attention he bestowed my way, it was obvious. Even to me, and I'm usually oblivious to such advances.
"Yeah, I guess so," I said.
"What are you going to do about it? He is the prince, after all." Judging by the way she said prince, it seemed like this should be a no-brainer. I should just claim him, mark my territory, and become the princess of Verna Mount.
"I don't really know," I replied honestly. It was certainly hard not to feel flattered. After all, Prince Jonus was the epitome of Prince Charming. He was incredibly beautiful, a prince, wealthy, intelligent, and he was very kind and charming toward me. He had an unexplainable charisma that made a person naturally gravitate toward him. I'm sure under normal circumstances, I would have been more than interested in him, but my heart belonged to someone else. Even if that someone else was hundreds of miles away, I still thought about him constantly.
"Well, what's holding you back?" she asked in clear disbelief. "If it was me, and the prince was interested in me... I wouldn't hesitate."
I frowned. Even though Tamalie and I were becoming very dear friends, I still couldn't bring myself to tell her about my feelings for Shaw. Perhaps I had developed Shaw's sense of duty being the most important thing. Or perhaps I just felt that the possibility of Shaw and I was just so farfetched I didn't want to embarrass myself. What if I received the same reaction from Tamalie that Charis had given? It would be humiliating to be laughed at by my new friend. Whatever the reason, I decided not to tell her how I felt. I did decide to give her a half truth.
"There's just too much going on right now for me to even consider romance. I mean, eventually Leticia's forces are going to make it this far north, unless something happens. I'm supposed to be the one to stop her... I just don't know how I'm even going to begin to do that. My life is overwhelming enough right now without adding to it." This was true. As much as I wished I had the courage to approach Shaw, with everything that was going on, it probably wouldn't be wise. Not to mention the fact that it would be completely pointless.
"I guess you're right. But..." she exhaled deeply and made a noise of longing, "...Jonus is just so handsome."
I laughed at her and she laughed right along with me, throwing a piece of bread at my face.
Some days I would eat lunch with Tamalie, but most days I spent my lunch with the Dwarfs. They seemed to be adjusting well to life in Verna Mount. They really enjoyed the military training from the Elves. They raved about Glontor, the army general who trained Shaw. I was most impressed with Glontor when I met him. From just one conversation with him, I realized he was probably one of the most intelligent people I had ever met. It was like his mind was constantly in motion, like he was always trying to figure something out. He was marvelously polite and he spoke very highly of Shaw. He said that even as a young teenager Shaw had the most potential of any soldier he had ever trained.
Lunch with the Dwarfs was always entertaining. Since Shaw was unavailable, Matthias used me as his replacement. I became the object of his jokes and teasing, and I didn't mind it one bit. I figured out that this was how Matthias acted if he liked someone. He made fun of me for being tall. He made fun of me for being skinny. He even joked about me being the Savior, saying that we would all be better off if I was a Dwarf. I jabbed him right back, which he really got a kick out of.
Maxatte, of course, was the opposite. His admiration for me was a bit intimidating. It was funny to watch him blanch every time Matthias made fun of me. I loved the appalled expression on his face that screamed, "How can you make fun of the Savior? Are you crazy?" Matthias' teasing would intensify, and I figured he did it to get a rise out of his brother. I always had to stifle a laugh when I watched Matthias giggle behind his brother's back as Maxatte begged my forgiveness on his brother's behalf.
Cody meanwhile would watch Maxatte with so much love and affection it almost saddened me not to have something similar in my life. I'm sure I looked at Shaw in much the same way but my love was unrequited. It was obvious that Maxatte was every bit as in love with Cody as she was with him. And even though it was almost depressing to witness the love that flowed between them, I still relished the time I spent with the Dwarfs. I had become very close to them. They were truly becoming my very dear friends.
After my lunch I would spend a few hours sword fighting with Prince Jonus. He had a very different technique from Shaw, and I was glad to be learning both styles. This had to make me a better fighter. Where Shaw was a bit more forceful and strong, Jonus used a lot of finesse, and as impossible as it seemed, he was faster than Shaw. Jonus' style suited me a bit more. I certainly didn't have Shaw's strength. Though I didn't have Jonus' speed, either. I felt ridiculously inadequate when I worked with such highly trained men. But I was pleased to see improvement with each passing day.
Although I recognized Jonus' attempts to woo me, I was grateful he didn't let this leak into my training. He took his task very seriously. I did miss the joking moments Shaw and I shared when we practiced together, but I was learning a lot from Jonus. He always reserved a decent chunk of time at the end of each lesson to simply sit and talk with me. He was never overly forceful about his attraction toward me. He defined the word gentlemen. He always asked questions about me, and he seemed very concerned with how I felt and how I adjusted to my new life here.
We also talked about him, and I enjoyed getting to know him. I learned that he was an only child, and that his mother had died giving birth to him. He loved his father, and he loved the Elf people. He seemed pleased with the idea of one day being king. Not overzealous, like he couldn't wait to take over. He just seemed happy that one day he could make a difference, pleased his life would mean something to these people he cared about. I got the feeling he would make a great king.
It would be safe for me to say that I really liked Prince Jonus. I really enjoyed spending time with him. I found him easy to talk to and I knew we could have a great friendship. I was aware that Jonus wanted more than friendship, and if I wasn't in love with Shaw, I could have seen myself considering his advances. Who wouldn't? He was Prince Charming. But as long as Shaw was in my life, I didn't think I would ever have eyes for anyone but him.
When I finished sword fighting, it was Charis' turn with me. I was excited to find my telekinesis was really improving. It certainly wasn't as powerful as when I was under stress, but I could actually move things. It was the coolest thing I had ever experienced.
I still hadn't had any new premonitions. In a way, I considered this a good thing. All of my previous visions involved Shaw in some form of danger. If I was visionless, then perhaps that meant Shaw was okay. Then again, I couldn't help but think proximity had something to do with it. Since he was so far away, maybe I wouldn't be able to obtain a vision. Charis tried to reassure me that not only was Shaw fine, but I would eventually have visions that weren't directly related to him. I was pretty sure Charis knew I how felt about Shaw. I imagined to her it would be pretty obvious. All of my premonitions had involved Shaw. She had called him my trigger. She always served me with a knowing look when I talked or asked about Shaw. She simply had to know I was in love with him, but much to her credit, she never said anything about it.
My time with Charis encompassed several hours in the afternoon, and when we would finally wrap up things, it would be time for dinner. Dinner would take place in the palace with all of my newfound friends. I would always ask King Tornus for news on Shaw but there never was any. Dinner was a fun time. People discussed their day, what was going on in Meric, and where the latest Rayliex sighting had occurred. I really started to wonder if Rayliex was an actual person, and not just some imaginary wraith Leticia invented to frighten people. Every time he had supposedly been seen it was hundreds of miles away from the previous place he had been spotted. How could he travel so far so fast? It didn't seem possible.
Usually at the conclusion of dinner, either Prince Jonus or my mother walked me to my rooms. Whenever Jonus was the one to drop me off, he always said good night by gently kissing me on the cheek. Once in my collection of rooms, I would spend some quiet time by myself before I went to sleep. During this time, my thoughts always lingered on Shaw. Where was he right now? Who was he with? Was he thinking about me at all?
One night, about two months after Shaw left, while I was lying in bed waiting for sleep to overtake me, I let my mind conjure up an image of Shaw's face. I focused on picturing his amazing blue eyes. As I rolled onto my side so I could gaze out the window at a very pretty crescent moon, I wondered if Shaw could possibly be looking at the moon at this very moment, too. I thought it unlikely, but when I closed my eyes I felt that strange wave overtake my body again and I was overcome with the pins and needles feeling one more time. In my shadowy black and white vision I saw Shaw. He stood next to a person who I assumed was a Giant, because the person was so tall that even Shaw—at over six feet—only came up to this person's chest. They were in very rocky terrain looking over what appeared to be a battlefield. There were dead bodies in the flat plain area, and on the far side, where the rocks rose out of the ground like jagged teeth, a huge army made up of men in dark clothing ran toward them, preparing to attack. Shaw looked up at his Giant companion, then over at the dark army bearing down on him. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes, and just as my vision was starting to fade away into oblivion his mouth formed one word. There is no way I could be sure what he said, because there was no sound accompanying my premonition, but it almost looked like he said my name.