45
Have you completely lost your mind?” Mom slammed the cupboard shut. “You do remember how awful he was to you, don’t you?”
“That was before,” I said, moving out of her way when she reached for the canister of sugar. “He’s different now. Besides, it isn’t a date.”
“Do I need to make a list of the names he called you? Or the times you came home crying about how mean he’d been?”
“No, I remember them well enough, thank you.”
“You aren’t going on this date,” she said, pointing at me.
“I already told you it isn’t a date.”
“Does he know that?”
“Well, I’m not sure.”
She dug her ring of measuring spoons from the drawer. “What does a boy like him want with a girl like you?”
It felt like a slap to my face. “What do you mean by that?”
Mom closed her eyes and breathed through her nose. Her voice softened and lowered in tone. “Not what you think.”
The numbness started in my toes and my fingers, spreading inch by inch so fast it took my breath away.
“You aren’t like Caroline Mann,” Mom said. “Before you jump to conclusions, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?”
I nodded.
“You care about more than the kind of clothes you wear or how you do your makeup. For goodness’ sake, you don’t even own any makeup that I know of. You know that your worth isn’t in what we’ve saved up in our bank account.” Mom stepped toward me, putting her hands on my shoulders. “There’s depth to you. The soul inside you is startlingly beautiful. And I wonder how a boy who could love a girl like Caroline would ever be good enough for a girl like you.”
“Mom . . .”
“You can go on that date with him. Or whatever you’re calling it,” she said. “But don’t let him make you forget who you are.”
Jocelyn had ironed my hair as straight as a board. When I saw it in the mirror, I hardly knew it was really mine. It fell around my shoulders, soft and sleek. But our attempts to draw on eyeliner failed miserably.
I decided it would be best if I didn’t wear any makeup at all, especially if I didn’t want Walt to get the wrong idea.
Joel answered the door when Walt knocked, standing as tall as he could, his chest puffed out like he was trying to be bigger.
I came out of the dining room just as he was about to give Walt the third degree, I was sure of it.
“See you later, Joelie,” I said, reaching up and ruffling his hair.
“Don’t wait up,” Walt said, putting an arm around my shoulders.
I tried to remember to breathe.
The movie theater in Fort Colson only showed two shows at a time. That night they had either The Jungle Book or Cool Hand Luke. Without asking which I’d rather see, Walt bought two tickets to the Paul Newman flick.
“I didn’t think you’d want to see the cartoon,” he said, holding the door for me to step inside. “You want any popcorn?”
I shook my head. “No thanks.”
“You aren’t afraid of getting fat, are you?” He looked at my waistline.
“No,” I answered, putting a hand on my stomach. “I’m just not hungry.”
“Good.” He ordered a bucket of popcorn with extra butter. “Caroline was always worried about getting fat like her mother.”
I raised my eyebrows and looked away from him, glad that soon the movie would start and he couldn’t talk about her anymore. Since he’d picked me up, all he seemed to want to talk about was Caroline this and Caroline that. How she was always looking at herself in the mirror or how she complained about going to the movies all the time. We were only ten minutes into our evening and I was already wondering when I could ask him to take me home.
“At least let me get you something to drink,” Walt said, nudging me with his elbow.
Had he been one of my brothers I would have socked him in the arm. I hated being nudged. Instead, I told him I’d like a Dr Pepper and pushed up my glasses.
Blue, tan, green, and red. The whole movie flickered on the screen in muted colors the way I imagined they were in the South. Fist fights and egg eating and slow conversations drew my attention away from the buttery smell of Walt’s popcorn and the munching sounds of him eating it by the handful.
At the very end, the crack of a gunshot made me jump and cover my mouth with my hand. Warm tears rolled down my cheeks, and I was glad I’d decided to forgo the makeup.
It was a rough-edged movie and somehow so beautiful. By the time the credits rolled up the screen, I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me and that I’d been refilled by something with just a little grit to it.
“Ready?” Walt said, sounding bored. Popcorn fell from his lap when he stood up. “You wanna get some burgers or something?”
“Sure,” I said, wondering if he’d seen the same movie I had for how casually he was able to go on with the evening. “Did you like the movie?”
“It was all right, I guess.”
He didn’t bother asking me what I had thought of it.
I decided I was going to order the biggest burger on the menu, wherever we ended up going. And that I would eat every single one of my french fries dipped in ketchup. And if he said one more word about Caroline Mann, I would order a shake to go with it.
If I was feeling especially annoyed, I determined to dump that shake in his lap.
Just like your mother, Frank would have said.
He would have been right.
Walt walked me to the front door after driving me home, hands in the pockets of his letterman jacket. The front of his pants were not soaked in milkshake and I was glad he’d behaved himself. I stood on the first step and turned toward him.
“I had a good time,” he said.
I nodded.
“Listen, I don’t know how to do this.” He breathed in through his mouth. “Caroline really threw me for a loop, you know.”
“I’m sure she did.”
He rubbed at the back of his still-short hair. “Gosh, here I am with you and you’re beautiful and all I can talk about is her. What’s wrong with me?”
“Do you want me to come up with a list?” I smirked.
“I don’t know that my ego could take it.” He grabbed one of my hands. “You’re funny. I mean that in a good way.”
“Thanks?”
He moved closer to me. I blinked and then felt something warm and wet touch the corner of my mouth. I pulled my head back and looked at his puckered-up lips and closed eyes. Then he smiled and opened his eyes.
“Why did you do that?” I asked. “Was that a kiss?”
“I thought you wanted me to,” he said. “Didn’t you like it?”
“No. I mean, it was all right,” I lied. “But you don’t have to do it again.”
“I thought we were just going to be friends.” I hesitated, trying to find the right words. “You’re a swell guy and all, but you’re like a brother to me.”
“Oh,” he said. “All right, I guess.”
“Did I hurt your feelings?”
He shook his head. “Nah. I’d better get home.”
“Thanks for the movie and dinner.”
“Sure thing,” he said, walking to his car. “I’ll see you around, I guess.”
I put my fingertips to my lips, hoping he wouldn’t look back to see me wiping away the first kiss I ever had.
It was nothing like I’d always hoped it would be.