BE STILL AND KNOW – SOLITUDE
It all starts the moment we begin to wake up. We reach out, perhaps with our eyes still closed, for our phones. We open our eyes, the bright light temporarily blinding us, and while we wait for our eyes to adjust, we open Facebook – and the distraction from ourselves begins.
Perhaps we read the latest news, usually doom and gloom, or see that our friends seem to be living epic lives travelling around the world, eating at the best restaurants, watching sunrises in Iceland and sunsets in Bali while we’re pulling the comforter a little tighter on a cold winter’s day.
Articles fly by entitled ‘3 Steps to a Better Life’, ‘Life Hacks for the Family on The Go’, ‘How to Lose 30 Pounds in 30 Days’ or ‘10 Ways to Attract Your Soulmate’. You know the ones, right?
Wow! It’s like you’ve been hit by a truck containing all the doom that life has to offer and all the potential solutions all at the same time. Your head is full of mental chatter and you haven’t even got out of bed yet.
But that was your choice, yes? As soon as you had one eye open you grabbed for your phone. No one passed it to you. There wasn’t some uncontrollable force within or outside of you who forced you to pick it up, read through every grueling headline, or fill yourself with so much information about how other people live better lives, spend more time with family, lose weight or attract their perfect partner, right? It was you.
It would seem that for some reason you – we – are all at times afraid of being alone with ourselves. We’ve grown up in a world that is so infected with distraction that to stop and listen to the sound of our own inner voice is alien to us. We’ve filled our heads with so much of what others think that we don’t even have a clue what we think.
Go ahead – give it a try right now. Ask yourself what you are really thinking, and I guarantee you a whole lot of distraction and other people’s ideologies will fill your head. And perhaps you will start to get frustrated and uncomfortable – your chest will tighten and your head will start to feel heavy, because amongst all the chatter and the conditioned thoughts in this state, you just can’t seem to grasp what’s yours.
And if I asked you to take just 15 to 20 minutes right now to be alone with yourself, a similar reaction would occur – only this time your head would fill with all the reasons you don’t have time. ‘I have to get ready for work’, ‘I have to make breakfast for the kids’, ‘put in the laundry’, ‘clean up the dishes’, ‘finish a paper’, ‘answer emails’. The to-do list just goes on and on in the aimless pursuit of filling our days with stuff so that we don’t have to be alone with ourselves, and our thoughts.
’Cause that’s scary, right? I know. I can barely breathe sitting here thinking about it, wondering what’s going to come up. Maybe the fact that you’re living a life that you don’t want in the hope of buying the freedom to live it later – working a lucrative career that doesn’t make you happy. And that’s too painful. We don’t want to look at that. Or maybe you’ve been avoiding a necessary conversation with a friend about the way they are treating you for fear of rocking the boat, or avoiding fully examining your life for fear of seeing the reality that is your life versus the distractions you’re defining yourself by.
Whatever it is, as soon as we think about being alone it all comes flooding in. We’ve become afraid of solitude, for fear of not wanting to actually look at ourselves or that we’ll be judged as lazy for sitting there and doing nothing.
Solitude at some point seems to have gotten a bad reputation. And how can we truly know ourself unless we get still enough to listen to just ourself? Unless we give ourself the time and space to tune in. Perhaps we should change the name to ‘Me Time’ or better yet – ‘Finding Me Time’. Does that feel better? Will that work now?
No matter what we choose to call it, solitude is necessary for our development. Without taking the time to ‘be still and know’ ourself, we are just a distracted individual sifting through the noise of other people’s thoughts, ideas and ideologies; the noise of the life we let happen around us, never being able to identify our own self and our own choices. Our lives become dictators of the collective as opposed to a democracy of our own free will.
Solitude holds the key to the freedom of our own awareness – the time and space where we get to check in with ourselves, to find our own truth and to speak that into the world with all we’ve got. To reverse the outside-dictates-inside world we’ve been conditioned to live, and start living our inside outside instead.
Giving our true selves to the world gives others permission to do the same. Our outside world has become a world that’s out of touch, where our stories, pictures and posts have far more value than the actual events it took to collect them. Do you miss the sunset because you’re worrying over the shot? Does your child’s funny comment mean more because of how it sounds later online rather than in your heart?
Finding Your Own Solitude
So, what is solitude anyway, and what does it mean to you? What do you think of when you think of solitude? Do you see yourself all alone in a quiet padded room, or sitting alone by a brook? Are there other people in sight, or are you a long way from anyone? What are you choosing to do?
Wikipedia describes solitude as ‘the state or situation of being alone’. So in that case, the time, space or modality doesn’t really matter much, right? As long as you’re alone. Remember that it’s not as simple as being away from everyone else. We’re very good at not being truly alone – we’re usually on our phones, listening to music or a podcast, or distracting ourselves from being in our own heads. Let’s think of solitude as taking time to be with our own true self, and feeling ok about that.
And when you are, when you give yourself permission to take the time, to find a space to be alone with just you and your thoughts there is so much there to discover. Alone, without distractions, witnessing yourself, your thoughts and emotions, your inner search with practice brings clarity, freedom and self-renewal.
And the cool thing is that you get to decide how you do it – when, where and how. So how do you like your solitude? With a cup of tea and a warm blanket, a nature walk on a crisp fall day, or – for the OCD in you – in a pristine room all dressed up with your Yoga mat, your crystals and your eye pillow? Now you’re ready.
There are so many ways in which we can practice solitude and not one of them is the right or wrong way. Today you may choose a walk and tomorrow to sit still on a pillow. The right way is whatever way feels most authentic to you. So make sure you check in with yourself before your practice. What I know for sure though is that every time I tried to force myself to do something that I wasn’t naturally drawn to, I suffered.
I remember the first time I was introduced to Meditation. I was super-excited because from what I had heard and researched this was the key to my peace of mind. Picture it, I showed up to a class with my brand new green Yoga mat (green represents the heart chakra) in my Thai fisherman pants and tank top and I sat down with my legs in perfect position (I looked up how online …) I put my hands in the lotus position, closed my eyes and started listening to the instructor. But my heart started racing, my thoughts were out of control, and of course I found myself thinking more about whether I was doing it correctly or not than letting myself relax and slip into the peace of mind I was promised.
I tried over and over again because I was determined to make it work. Just like most of my childhood and adult life, I was trying to follow the path I was told to take versus getting still enough to listen to my own heart. Does this sound familiar?
Anyway, I’m sure Meditation in its ‘proper’ form works for some but it just didn’t work for me, and so as soon as I allowed myself the space to be a rebel about it, I found the way that worked for me. And I do that, perhaps not every day, but I go when I feel within me that I need it the most.
There is a form of solitude prevalent in many religions and spiritual traditions around the world. It’s crucial for our mental and spiritual development, and our awareness. And because our world has become so culturally intermingled we have a smorgasbord of options to choose from. We can pick just one or we can dabble in them all. That’s the power of authentic awareness. You get to play the creator every day in every way.
My Story: Into the Woods
It was a warm summer’s day and, as I woke up, my head was already pounding. The sound of construction just outside the window and the debris and dust it tossed around was filling my sinuses and I just wanted to take off my shoes, drive up the road and run barefoot through the forest.
Shinrin Yoku in Japanese, or Forest Therapy in English, is a trend that is really starting to catch on, but I find this strange: that we have to make it a thing in order for people to do what was once very natural and common.
It’s sad that we have become so disconnected from our natural element. I believe, pun intended, that it’s the root of much of our suffering, this disconnection from nature and essentially from those around us.
We’re so wrapped up in doing, having and showing that we’ve forgotten about just being. Connecting.
I’m totally guilty of it too; however, I have a constant awareness tugging at me and reminding me that nature is where I find solace, where I connect and regenerate and heal.
Taking off my shoes and feeling the dirt beneath my feet, looking up through the cedars, watching light dance through the leaves is where I regularly need to be. Magical and transformational even if just for a moment, it fills me up. Pictures flash through my mind of times at The Hive Centre, a wonderful holistic health community just up the road from my home, running barefoot through the paths and dipping my feet in the brisk spring-fed brook, collecting rocks and picking watercress. Divine.
Last weekend I attended a retreat there titled ‘Naturally Gifted – Relax, Reflect and Create’, led by my dear friends and co-owners of The Hive Centre, Elsii and Kevin. Elsii is an award-winning artist, wild food expert and wonderful human being and Kevin is a musician and expert navigator always steering us back on path when we get lost in the forest. I often refer to them as familia (Portuguese for family) as Elsii is Portuguese.
I arrived precisely in time for lunch with my friend, Brenda. For those of you who know me you know how much I love a good meal. I had missed the morning Frequency Meditation as I was strolling the beach with my puppies (they’re actually 11 and 12) – Mr Anderson and Oliver, as I wouldn’t see them for the rest of the day.
Lunch is a favourite thing of mine at The Hive Centre, especially when Elsii makes it; it is always something notorious, delicious and educational. Elsii likes to throw things in she’s collected from her walks in the forest, edible wild food.
It was so nice to meet everyone who attended. Some of whom I’ve been friends with on Facebook but had never really connected in person. How divine is it to connect in person? Such a difference, face to face, story to story, hug to hug … it wakes up your soul.
After lunch we took a long walk along the country roads and in the forest collecting plants, flowers and anything else we may have found with which to create works of art. I did it all barefoot of course, with a little apprehension because it had been a while. I was so happy that I did though, it was pure bliss.
In this place there was no past, no future, just pure presence. There were others around, but I felt alone and strong, focused on my task and in tune with nature. My body tingled with connection deeply rooted in the earth. My heart was open. I listened to the trees, the sound of the water rolling over the rocks, the leaves scrunching under my feet, mud between my toes and the sweet sounds of laughter amongst the group as we ventured through the forest. Home sweet home.
When we returned from the forest with our collection of wild things there was a silence, and a peace, as we all went to work creatively using what we had collected to express the intentions we had set earlier. My intention was wealth, in all aspects of my life. And after my natural masterpiece was complete I took in a few breaths, looked at what I had created and asked the universe, ‘What is this saying to me?’
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And what it said to me was ‘slow, steady, connected, focused’. And I felt that, right in the root chakra. That place that was a little shaky and filled with uncertainty from a life of hardship and conditioning. I – we all – have been conditioned to be faster and do more and work harder, whatever it is we need to do in order to ‘bring home the bacon’. I really hate that phrase. I don’t eat pork, but it’s what came to me. And it had been ten years since I left my corporate job in search of what fills me up; however, there is still some clearing to do there. We’re all a work-in-progress – students of life, right?
What I learned from that retreat, and what I am constantly learning, is the ebb and flow of life. That life is a series of experiences that are ever so gently showing up to remind us who we are and what we need to walk us home. Whether it’s the gentle voice of the forest calling us to connect, or the pounding headache reminding us that we’ve been too hard on ourselves.
Your heart, your body, your soul – they know. They are the constant forces ever so gently, and sometimes not so gently, leading us in the direction of our highest good. Whatever that might be only we know, and only if we get still enough to listen.
I’m ever so grateful for the whispers, and the screams, and for people like Elsii and Kevin who provide others with the space to connect and heal.
The Practice of Solitude
‘Oh Jeez,’ as my husband would say. The Practice of Solitude. I’m triggered already, my breath is shortening and the resistance is kicking up in me like a hurricane. But why? It’s just a word, right? But words have meaning to us: attachments, stories, beliefs. And our beliefs create our realities and, left unquestioned, unexamined, they can cause a great deal of suffering.
My first belief – about the word practice – is that it means pain. It means practicing things that I don’t want to do to be part of some team which I never wanted to be part of in the first place, but I long to be part of something so I settled. I did push ups, chin ups, shuttle runs, none of it any fun, none of it what I wanted to do. I would rather have been having tea with my grandmother, but she wasn’t a ten-year-old boy and I so longed to connect with someone my own age, my own gender. But it seemed they weren’t into practicing how to throw a proper English Tea, but to kicking around balls and getting dirty. So the word practice meant something very different to me. It meant doing something I didn’t want to do for a goal I wasn’t interested in – just to ‘fit in’, and to try to connect with other boys, to be a part of something.
And solitude, well, that’s another story. I spent days in solitude, or solitary confinement as you could call it, as a child, from sitting alone in the window of our childhood home in ‘the ghetto’, to being a loner and walking home from school without any friends.
So neither the word Practice nor Solitude meant good things to me. But like all things, my intrinsic self mustered up the courage to break through my own beliefs and take another look around, to experience them from a different perspective with a new awareness. After all, I’m not a child anymore, right? I’ve grown from these experiences, not having to follow the leader or being restricted by someone against my will.
I’m free to make my own decisions, to figure out what works for me. And it doesn’t have to be what everyone else is doing, or what I’ve been told. And this Solitude thing, this Practice of Solitude, has some pretty solid history to back it up as a means of direct transportation to our deepest desire, our purest intent, our destiny!
I like the sound of that, destiny! How about you? Don’t you want to cut out all the aimless chatter that whips you around in every direction, that picks you up and puts you down like a puppet, that causes you to question yourself even when you know with all your heart and soul what’s right for you? Don’t you want to silence the drunken monkey that seems to have taken control of your mind and run amok, got it all so chaotic you find it hard to even choose what you’re going to have for breakfast ’cause some health guru’s nattering in the back of your mind telling you that if you continue to eat eggs you’re going to have a heart attack and die. Geesh!
Stop, be still for a moment, drop your shoulders, close your eyes and take a long deep breath. Now let it out. Ah there we go. Now perhaps you’re ready to talk a bit about the Practice of Solitude: its history, how each practice has helped others to become clearer and more at peace with themselves and can help you too.
There are as many ways and names for the Practice of Solitude as there are languages. And thanks to globalization we have the opportunity to experience them all and to choose the one(s) that work best for us. In India they meditate, in the Amazon they use Ayahuasca, in Norway they practice Friluftsliv which in English means ‘free air life’, and in Japan, Shinrin Yoku is ‘forest bathing’. Some in the Jewish faith practice Hitbodedut, in Islam they have Muraqaba to watch over one’s soul or Tafakkur to meditate over your sins, your environment and the lessons which the creator has created for you. In Mongolia there is Vipassana, ‘to see things as they are’ and Indigenous Americans use Vision Quest.
When presented with so many options we can become confused, like a deer in headlights, and most often choose the one that’s ‘trending’, whether it actually works for us or not, causing us more mind chatter and taking us further away from our true or authentic self. In order to choose which path or practice of solitude works for us we must give ourselves the time and space to ‘be still and know’ and then walk in the direction that screams our name.
It’s time to step away from the noise and get to know ourselves better, to become more aware. The more time we spend getting to know ourselves the more we understand our purpose here and how that fits in with the whole.
Let’s start with a wee tour of some Solitude practices from around the world:
Meditation
Meditation is an ancient mind and body practice which has many forms and techniques all developed to help us focus and witness our thoughts without judgement. It has its roots in the East, India to be specific, where it has been practiced for thousands of years. Most recently it has become somewhat of a phenomenon in the West where, like everything, we have ripped it from its roots, studied it to death and are now developing our own East-meets-West practices which range from using it in Yoga classes to developing strategic lineages to help Wall Street executives become better at their jobs.
Like everything, as it expands, as we expand, so does the practice and so we get to choose which Meditation works best for us. I have tried everything from Kundalini Meditation and HRM (Heart Rhythm Meditation) to Guided Visualization, and what seems to work for me is, well, different practices at different times, as I and we are always changing and evolving and so do our practices. When I started meditating it made it easier for me to use Guided Meditations as they were really accessible, with thousands being available at our fingertips on YouTube. As I progressed I began to try more advanced types of Meditation, deeply studying each practice in my Yoga teacher training program.
To date, Meditation is not my favourite form of Solitude but its deep scientific and field evidence account for its power to change our brain chemistry and assist in hardwiring our brains for a deeper, more peaceful life.
Friluftsliv
Friluftsliv is a practice in Norway which was first termed in 1859 by the famous Norwegian writer, dramatist and poet, Henrik Ibsen. It is the practice of connecting with presence to your natural environment (nature). To be completely engulfed in nature and whatever you are doing or experiencing while immersed in it. It kind of reminds me of being a kid, filled with excitement and all dressed up like the Stay Puft marshmallow man marching outside at my grandmother’s house in the woods, making snow angels without a care in the world. Hours would go by as my cousins and I filled the forest with angels. No matter what the temperature, it seems the more present we were the less we felt the cold. The forest, the snow, the cold, we all became one; like we connected to a place where time didn’t exist, and perhaps we did.
But the purpose of Friluftsliv is not to go into nature to do a particular activity or with purpose but just to be in nature, be present to what is and connect to the natural biological rhythm of life. There is evidence to suggest that when we are in nature, in this state, we are deeply connected to the natural rhythm of our brain and circulatory system which creates lasting health effects and evokes a deep sense of lasting inner peace.
Similar to the Norwegians’ Friluftsliv, the Japanese practice of Shinrin Yoku, Forest Therapy or Forest Bathing was developed around the 1980s as a preventative to mental and physical health issues. Sounds odd, eh? We’ve become so disconnected from our natural environment and engaged with our fast-paced electronic environment that we have to give emo name(s) to rituals or practices that were once second nature.
But whatever we have to call something to entice people back to what’s natural, I’m in. Especially when the benefits are reduced stress levels, lower blood pressure and heart rate, increased mental clarity, reduced chronic fatigue, improved mood, and research has even shown it to increase the cells in our body known to prevent cancer and boost our immune system.
No wonder I feel like a million bucks every time I get barefoot and walk the trails at The Hive Centre, one of my favourite places to practice Shinrin Yoku. I actually feel high and the benefits last for days, even up to a week.
The details are in the name ‘Forest Bathing’. Google or GPS search for a green space in your area, or if you’re lucky enough to have some in your own back yard, or have good friends that live on a nature reserve like me, just take off your shoes if you’re risky like that, walk into nature and explore, dip your feet in the natural spring or pond, hug a tree or just lay down and breathe in the fresh air.
I guarantee it will lift you higher while grounding you at the same time. For those brave enough to bare their soles, my dear friend Sue Kenney, who’s walked the entire Camino de Santiago and who at one time I thought was crazy, has written a very comprehensive guide on barefooting and the health and wellness benefits – from better sleep to improved glucose regulation and increased immunity. Her book is titled How to Wear Bare Feet and available on her website and via Amazon.
Vipassana, meaning ‘insight’, is one of the most ancient meditation techniques, discovered by Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. Its purpose is to gradually eliminate mental distractions and impulses, eventually leading to a clear understanding and deeper connection to our truth beyond illusions.
It’s practiced by sitting still and slowly bringing our awareness to observing both our mind and body, and noticing what we notice without judgement. Not trying to rationalize with the ego mind but sitting still and resting into the deeper awareness behind the ego mind and then eventually with time and practice bringing that full awareness into our lives.
I studied and practiced Vipassana both in my Yoga teacher training program and in several workshops that I have attended throughout North America. It takes great self-control to focus our mind on what’s actually happening versus following our conditioned thoughts to conclusions which are illusions. The more we practice this awareness without judgement and break through our conditioned illusionary selves the deeper our sense of self, awareness of our own reality versus the collective or dictated reality, and the more at peace we are with whatever is happening in our mind and body.
With regular practice of Vipassana people have been known to be free from both mental and physical afflictions, discovering the deeper awareness that our thoughts affect our reality both in mind and body.
Reflection: Are You Ready to Step Away?
Solitude and structured practices of solitude have been used to help us maintain clarity and peace of mind for thousands of years. And it seems now, more than ever, we’re in desperate need of that peace. We are increasing the speed of living at a rate which is far too fast for us to keep up with. Our lives have become like rockets, under a lot of pressure and ready to lift off into space. So, what we need more than ever is to connect and ground ourselves. It’s amazing what insight comes when we stop long enough to listen and how fulfilled our path becomes when we use what we’ve found to live authentically.
Each practice has the same intent, with different yet similar paths, and you get to choose which path feels best to you. That’s what it’s all about. All are practices of processing, inquiring and connecting to our deeper selves. What’s been formally called Shinrin Yoku or Forest Therapy is what helps me to be still long enough to drown out the noise and puts me in touch with myself, my deepest intent and desires and leads me to the wisdom I need to step into my destiny. In order to find a path of your own you have to say goodbye to the path that you’ve been conditioned to take and choose a path of your own, and to be mindful not to become distracted by your desire to change others rather than to know your own truth, and to give it to yourself and to the world with all you’ve got. Be aware enough not to fall back into the conditioned life versus having the courage to step into your own.
By not practicing solitude we are constantly running away from ourselves and accepting a state of collective slavery versus a life of our own meaning, truth and radical authenticity. Having the courage to ‘be still and know’, to take the time to face our thoughts, and to sort out our own from the collective and then acting with conviction from that space, creates a ripple effect giving others permission to do the same.
Solitude can be scary. It causes us to question everything we have ever been conditioned to think, causes us to feel isolated, ostracized from the crowd and even from those we love, and it can create a deep sense of anxiety. But stay with it – close your eyes, take a deep breath and allow yourself to go deeper. In that space you will realize it’s better to live a life of your own free will than it is to remain a prisoner of the collective, never allowing yourself to reach the fullness of your potential.
To face our truest selves and to realize our destiny can be overwhelming, because once we realize it we can’t take it back and we must summon our courage to break away from our conditioned self and walk our unique path. If it doesn’t work, get up and try it again tomorrow. Just do yourself a favour. Don’t give up on finding you.