LETTING GO OF WHAT DOESN’T SERVE YOU – YOUR ENVIRONMENT
Letting go of the things that don’t serve us is probably one of the biggest frontiers we have to face in uncovering our conditioning and walking in the direction of our authentic self. Our entire lives have been spent attracting people and things unconsciously, often never really checking in to see if they, or it, serve our highest good.
Perhaps we’ve taken the beaten path when it comes to deciding where we live, who our friends are and even how our personal space is designed. Did I choose that house or was it a decision that was made based on how it will make me look? Did I choose that couch or was it chosen for me? Who are these ‘friends’ that I’m surrounded with?
It’s really about stopping and getting still enough to inquire within. Is this really what I want? Is this really serving me? And that goes for both people and things. It seems we become what and who we surround ourselves with.
Every time I think about letting go of what doesn’t resonate with me, or if I’m having the conversation with friends or family, I am reminded of and refer to a scene from the movie Labyrinth with David Bowie – the junk yard scene. (If you haven’t seen it you can YouTube it.) The main character, Sarah, meets a woman in a junk yard and she is covered in junk. It is piled so high on her back that she is hunched over and very ragged-looking. As Sarah enters the junk lady’s lair it begins to look like her own bedroom filled with her memories and childhood treasures. The junk lady begins to pile these treasures from the past onto Sarah’s back in a similar fashion to her own. As Sarah realizes that it’s all junk that is weighing her down and distracting her from her real mission or destiny, she is able to free herself and return to her path.
For me, as a child watching this, I didn’t really understand the message fully. But as I grew within, and as I paid more attention to my life and the messages within it, I was reminded when I watched the film to let go of what was weighing me down, or not serving my highest good. And this can be a very difficult task, especially when we attach our things and relationships to experiences, memories or people in the past. Whether those experiences or memories bring us joy or sadness we hold onto them, perhaps because we’re not yet ready to let go of what we attach to them.
However, in my experience the more we hold onto ‘stuff’, the less mental clarity we have and the more anxiety and suffering we experience in our lives. These relationships and things hold some sort of comfort for us, even when they are quite toxic and overruling our lives. We would rather endure the suffering than look for the freedom. Perhaps because that pattern we are in provides a sense of comfort and security? The familiar is far more comforting than what we see as the risks of an uncertain future.
And I totally get that. I think we all have this inclination to a certain degree. Even as I write this I am in the process of letting go of a life that’s fitting a little too snugly and exploring a path that is more in alignment with the real me. However, this life that I am walking away from has served me well.
And what’s next is the unknown – which our mind likes to create an abyss of drama around, which can spiral into bad decisions around holding on versus letting go.
So many thoughts, feelings and emotions come rushing in as we begin to let go of what’s not serving us and walking in the direction of what does. Even the little things like perhaps just cleaning out our closets can be a daunting task, not just physically but emotionally as well. Just one shirt can bring memories rushing in. Perhaps memories we’re not willing to let go of, or perhaps ones that send us into a spiral of negative self-talk and emotions.
Maybe you wore that shirt on your first date with your partner, and the reason for your closet reorganization is that you’ve recently separated. Or you’ve found an old belt that belonged to your father who recently passed away. Or perhaps you found a jacket that you wore to the hospital for your first baby or a pair of shoes you walked the Camino in.
Each thing or relationship attached to memories which invoke strong thoughts and emotions, whether positive or negative, we want to hold onto – perhaps as a porthole to the past or an attachment to a relationship. But we get to decide whether it stays or goes.
We evaluate this by feeling. By getting still and checking in with ourselves and really giving us the time and space to process the memories and emotions fully. Sometimes it’s through tears or anger, and a lot of times it’s through joy. But I allow all of the feelings their space, and when I come to the space once they’ve cleared, I make my decision from that place. I ask myself a simple question, from clarity, from that vivid space, and not distracted by temporary thoughts, stories and emotions but from the present. I ask myself, ‘What will this bring to my future? Does it make my life heavier or lighter?’
Life can be so heavy without holding onto everything that’s attached to an experience or memory and it’s quite amazing the shifts we experience when we do let go. It feels like a huge weight has been taken off our shoulders and a new energy knocks on our door.
However, the reason for holding on is not always experience- or memory-based. It can often be that the relationships and the things in our life are holding and reflecting our ‘value’, our sense of self. And that we’ve given that away to something outside of ourselves. Maybe it’s a car that makes you feel important or a house in a prestigious neighbourhood, or even a spouse or friend that you’ve given your value over to. Whatever it is, you’ve placed your value in outside things versus yourself and so to let go of what doesn’t serve you includes those relationships and possessions as well. And just because you’ve always found value in material things, or allowed your relationships to dictate your value, doesn’t mean you need to sell the car or obliterate your relationship. Perhaps it’s just an awareness and a shift in perception.
My dear friend, the author and meditation expert Ed Shapiro, once said to me, ‘If you have things, you’re good … if things have you, there’s work to do there.’ And that has always stayed with me through many of the major decisions I’ve made since.
Do I have it or does it have me?
Do you have it or does it have you?
Ask yourself? Are you calling the shots here? Are you in control or is it/are they in control of you?
And we always want to be in control. Not in control of others or things, but in control of ourselves. To have the wisdom to be able to discern in any given moment to let go of what doesn’t serve us. And in letting go of what no longer serves us, we welcome what does.
My Story: A Box of Memories
There’s an old ten-pound margarine container sitting in my in-laws’ storage room, and in that box are years and years of things I’ve collected that have memories and meaning for me. There’s a little yarn star that was made for me by one of my first roommates, there’s love letters from my first crush, pictures from my sixteenth birthday party, flyers from a series of shows I used to produce at the local bar, old programs from high school plays I was in, and a picture from the first play I wrote and directed as a preteen. All bring back memories and invoke a rollercoaster of emotions that both trigger and inspire me.
I’ve been moving this container from house to house since I was about 16, as well as carrying them in my heart. Each time I open it I bring those experiences to life. Some of them so painful they send me into a downward spiral that has often left me bedridden, lacking the motivation to even move – sometimes for just a day, and sometimes it lasts days on end where it’s an effort for me to just get up and shower.
A ten-pound margarine box of memories I’ve carried around from place to place for almost 30 years has in theory, and when revisited, caused an immense amount of suffering. Every time I open that box I am taken into each memory one by one but in a new way with a different perspective. My old perspective or conditioning has a way of creeping in and whispering self-defeating thoughts in my head.
‘You weren’t good enough to get the main role,’ ‘If only you’d had the courage to sing,’ ‘If only you’d kept doing events,’ ‘But if you hadn’t said that to her,’ ‘If you’d just changed one thing you could bring them back,’ ‘Look what you could have been had you not …’
You know the thoughts. I’m sure you have them every time you take a trip down memory lane. And not every experience was negative, but as you look back they can twist into unrecognizable stories. Our thoughts, as Alan Watts said, are ‘a good servant, but a bad master’. They run amok, melting stories of our past with our current reality and perception, feeding our self-limiting minds and beating us up over and over again with the thoughts of ‘what could have been …’
I’m not sure what possible power constantly looking at our past could have on our present and our future. I’ve visited this place, through this container many, many times and been thrown back into trauma each time. Iyanla Vanzant, host of Iyanla Fix My Life on OWN TV, says …
until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.
And conditioning would have us put the memories one-by-one back into the box and under the stairs, only to keep revisiting them over and over through emotions which never let go of us until we allow them the space to move and to heal. I used to bandage them with cigarettes, work, drugs, alcohol – and the biggest one, the one I use even to this day to bandage what I don’t want or am too tired to heal – food. I open the box of memories, up come the emotions, down goes the bag of chips and dip.
But then an AHA moment hit me right in the root chakra (life foundation/support) when I read these words from author and emotional eating expert Geneen Roth:
‘We eat the way we eat because we are afraid to feel what we feel.’
And from that moment forth every time I went to binge eat a bag of chips and dip or eat an entire box of cookies, I remembered her words. Sometimes I would keep eating but most of the time I would give myself permission to dig deeper, ‘to stick my hand inside and pull out the core of the pain’. Man, was it difficult. My conditioning shouting: ‘boys don’t cry’, and ‘you’ll relapse and end up back in the hospital’. But courage would overtake the voices and rock my cradle, rock it back and forth until I was calm enough to put it all into perspective and rip and burn that memory literally and metaphorically.
Later on my path, burning symbols of my distress would become an important ritual for me in clearing the past to make way for a more peaceful present and a vivid vision of the path before me. Although not before I allowed myself to process and make peace with the emotions, because I found when I burned a memory before I had fully processed it, it would keep coming back to haunt me over and over again until I did.
Not everyone has the capacity to revisit memories through attachments; whether physical, relational or metaphorical. Meditation and self-inquiry are my way, and resilience and vulnerability seem to be my superpowers. However, if you don’t feel you can do this alone safely, I suggest you work with a psychotherapist.
When I finally had the realization that my past, attached to experiences through relationships or things, was keeping me from a peaceful and healthy present I reached out to a psychotherapist as I knew at this point it was too overwhelming and I didn’t have the strength to go it alone.
After very few sessions I was able to gain the courage to share my story, the wounds that kept me prisoner to them and the margarine box of memories, and one by one, with practice and patience, watch them burn baby burn. I was able to let go of what no longer served me, holding the wisdom I gained from each experience, feeling the peace that comes with clarity and holding a clearer vision of who I was without the pain, and a brighter lighter future ahead.
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To this day I practice letting go of what doesn’t serve me in every area of my life, from food and clothes to people; and it’s such a mystical magical experience because every time I do, something, or someone, shows up to light the way for a new awareness.
And now I prepare to move house again. Ten years of memories from our annual holiday soirées where we fit 50 people in 650 square feet, to tea parties, sleepovers, family days in the pool, Mother’s Day brunches, walks on the beach, sunrises over the marina and sunsets on our balcony with friends.
So many laughs, epic memories and also tears. I lost three of the most important people in my life while living in this home, beginning just a week before we moved in: my cousin and one of my best friends, Kim. Then one year later almost to the day, my Grandmother Dorothy (like The Wizard of Oz), and just a few months ago my brother (and only sibling), Chris.
A home is not just bricks and mortar, or these days chipwood and siding, but a vessel that houses our most intimate moments and cherished memories with those closest to our hearts. And although I’m going to miss this place, my gypsy soul’s screaming that it’s time to move this wagon on. And as the pictures flash through my mind I’m reminded how blessed I have been to have experienced this all, and I can hardly wait for what’s next.
The Practice of Letting Go
Letting go takes practice and, as the old saying goes, ‘practice makes perfect’, right? Well, sort of – if you believe in perfect the way we were conditioned to believe. But perfect to me is where I am at. Wherever that is. That’s if I’m in alignment with my who, what, when, why, where and how … and even when I’m not, perhaps that experience is an opportunity to align.
But I do know that there are certain practices that have helped me and my good vibe tribe let go. Whether it was clothes that were cluttering up their closest or a relationship that didn’t serve our highest good. These practices are great tools.
Awareness
Awareness to me comes through self-inquiry and talking. It’s very practical. Too many theologies tend to confuse me so I like to just check in with my own inner guru. But first I like to meditate to clear the slate. My go-to meditation is my barefoot walking in the woods.
I start by taking off my shoes and socks, and then closing my eyes and feeling the earth on my bare feet, I then put one foot in front of the other, conscious of my heel hitting the earth, and then the front of my foot. I think, as Thich Nhat Hanh says, that I’m ‘kissing the earth’ with my feet, mindful of the impact I’m having on the earth and feeling as if we are one. More hocus pocus, I know … but it’s not so hocus pocus. Do a little research on the mind-body benefits of barefooting and I guarantee you’ll be getting kicked out of grocery stores in your near future.
This exercise is both a meditation and a practice of awareness. It slows down the mind and limits the mind drama, and allows us the space to get clear. From this space we can gain the awareness of what our attachments are, and why we have them.
While in Yoga teacher training I learned a valuable meditation for letting go of attachments that were causing me suffering. It was simple yet profound.
This instructor said a few simple words that felt like they took years of tension and pressure off my chest in an instant: ‘Allow it to be and it will pass.’
No more conflict with my thoughts, attachments and emotions: I could just let them be, let them have their space in my awareness and they would pass on their own.
I know it sounds like hocus pocus, new age bull, right? But what are hocus pocus and new age anyway, but theologies meant to ease our suffering? Whatever path works for us works, and we get to choose that path. Whether we choose oracle cards or a walk in the woods, all paths lead home.
Loving What Is
‘Loving what is’. Self-acceptance or acceptance. This is all the same idea: the practice of loving ourselves wherever we’re at, like the meditation I learned in Yoga teacher training, ‘Allow it to be and it will pass.’ Again, it’s not a fix-all or a bypass, but just one of the many tools we can utilize to assist us in life and in letting go.
We’re not all operating with the same awareness and so everything I suggest is just that, a suggestion. I’m but a student of life, and so I know what works for me and or what I’ve seen work for others, but only you know what works for you. Acceptance of what is, like the allowing meditation, works wonders for me. I can feel that when I am in resistance to what is, my anxiety amplifies, and then I automatically repress to band-aiding instead of processing and healing.
It’s kind of like in Monsters Inc. – when you don’t give the monsters your fear they don’t have power. And so when I’m in acceptance of what is, not dismissing it but with an awareness that it only has the power over me that I allow it, I am able to gain a sense of clarity and control, to put it into perspective and act from that space.
Forgiveness
Oh, it’s that word again. It can get thrown around so freely and be made to seem so simple. But what has held the most power for me is the perspective I get from these words:
‘Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.’
Mark Twain
And that includes our own heel. Because most frequently we are the ones holding ourselves hostage in unforgiveness, because we hold ourselves up to an ideal not created for or by us. We think we are supposed to be some sort of superhuman that makes all the right choices, says all the right things and never for a moment slips up, or live our lives by conditioning, stay in toxic relationships, buy things for our value or choose a career path for recognition.
Mistakes. I can’t find a better word. I don’t like that word, or the word ‘failure’ because I don’t feel like there’s such a thing. I feel that every experience is an opportunity to learn. Some of us learn the first time around and some the tenth, but what does it matter when there’s no judge except ourselves and so forgiveness begins with us.
We have to forgive ourselves for whatever perceived shortcomings or missteps we have made, whatever relationships we have stayed in for fear of letting go and falling, whatever jobs we stayed at for fear of looking small, and even for that closet full of clothes we can’t bear to part with. We just need to take a deep breath and forgive ourself. Set ourself free and give ourself permission to do it on our own time in our way. It doesn’t have to happen overnight.
Baby steps to big goals. It’s more sustainable that way.
Clearing
What does clearing mean to you? What does it look like? Where are you? Are you in a quiet space clearing your mind or are you sitting in a room filled with old papers, pictures and clothes?
Are you sitting in front of your book keeper or accountant? Or at your desk with a consultant reviewing systems that work and systems that no longer work? Are you with your partner/husband/wife/spouse prioritizing your life?
Whatever looks like you in your current situation, you’re clearing your current path to make way for a new path that works for you. It’s a path that’s more refined, easeful and in alignment with your intent or highest good.
It could be clearing old thoughts or patterns that don’t work for you. Or literally clearing out papers that are no longer relevant, or pictures that trigger suffering, or clothes that are worn out or no longer fit and that are creating physical clutter which also contribute to mental clutter. This is the premise of the art of Feng Shui, to clear and organize your space in a manner that creates a Zen-like energy flow. You’ve probably seen or read articles titled ‘Feng Shui Your Life’, ‘Feng Shui for Success’ or ‘Feng Shui for Better Health’. All with the intent of clearing your path for optimal energy flow. You might also have heard of the Marie Kondo art of tidying phenomenon, which encourages you to surround yourself only with what you need and what brings you joy.
Everything is energy, and so to have a clear space – whether it be our minds, our homes or our offices – is essential to our wellbeing and to being in alignment with our authentic selves.
‘Out with the old, in with the true,’ as my friend Jeff Brown says. Taking inventory of what’s relevant, essential and what’s true for you at any given moment or transition point. Clarifying what is blocking or causing suffering and clearing it from your path to make way for what serves to lift you higher.
Burning
The burning tradition or practice is something I learned through workshops and indigenous ceremonies. We would first begin with a round circle talk where we shared what was on our hearts and each offer our perspectives to those that shared in how we’ve broken through conditioning, got vulnerable with ourselves and others who’ve earned that space in our lives and begun the process of letting go and healing.
We would then write down on a piece of paper what we would like to be free from, take it to the fire and, one at a time, throw them in the fire to burn physically and metaphorically. We were welcome to share it aloud, or to let it silently burn.
I remember one of the first burning ceremonies I attended was on a journey I took with a company called The Divine Destination Collection to Muskoka, Ontario. We had a beautiful fall harvest dinner. After dinner our facilitator encouraged us to write down anything that we wanted to free ourselves from and bring it to the fire to burn.
The first word that came to me was faith. One would think it odd to want to rid yourself of faith but to me faith meant limitation. I had grown up with a family deeply engrained in the Christian faith, most predominantly on my father’s Pentecostal side, and within that faith at the time who I am, and most of my actions and relations, were considered an abomination. So faith to me meant judgement, restriction and suffering and I wanted to free myself from that so that I could experience an openness to learn spirituality on my own terms with an open heart and mind. A deeply conditioned faith, even though I had walked away from it, was picking me up and putting me down like a puppet in everything I did in my life and inhibiting me from being able to experience my life fully and authentically.
There were many other times I participated in burning ceremonies – some indigenous some not, some on full moons and some spontaneously on my balcony. However, each time the act of physically writing down what I wanted to clear somehow brought to the surface something to be meditated on, brought to awareness, accepted, forgiven, cleared and finally let go and burned, making its way back into the place from which it came.
Reflection: What and When to Let Go
Letting go of what doesn’t serve us is a process like everything in life. It takes great strength and courage to dig deep into our lives on whatever level and bring to awareness that which doesn’t serve us to make room for what does.
Sometimes it’s the end of a relationship, most recently many of my friends have ended their long-term relationships, some of 25 years, not because they had changed but they had finally awakened to the reality that their relationships didn’t serve their highest good.
Over the past 20 years I have watched so many walk away from careers that no longer worked for them, sold cars that once held value but with a new relation to them just became the things that they were – four wheels and an engine that took them from a to b.
I’ve witnessed friends that were borderline hoarders Feng Shui their homes and their lives and experience joy, peace and the feeling of freedom that had eluded them their entire lives.
We’ve all been, or maybe even still are in subtle and not so subtle ways, prisoners holding on and bandaging ourselves with relationships, food, alcohol, drugs, work, cigarettes or whatever things we collect to cover our wounds. Out of sight, out of mind – right? Wrong … The only way to it is through it, and we will not heal the wounds of our past by holding on, but by bringing our awareness to them, healing and then letting go.