POLISHING THE MIRROR – RELATIONSHIPS
Connections are our opportunity to be ourselves, see ourselves and heal ourselves. They are our mirror to our inner world and can either suppress or expand us. We choose. Part of breaking through resistance is learning to listen, to pay attention to the whispers and to focus on building upon our relationships with those whose intentions are in alignment with our own.
They begin with our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings, and then expand once we begin school to our teachers and peer group, as well as the people we meet along the way – from doctors and neighbours to janitors and our friends’ parents. Everyone has the potential to impact who we are, who we’ll become and our resistance to that – both positively and negatively.
Take yourself back to your first experience at school, or preschool if you started early. What did it look like? Who was there? And what impact did they have on you? Or even earlier – what is the first experience you can remember as a child? We come into this world an impressionable being and everything in the path of our growth has an influence on who we are, who we become and the character that will define us, through both our trials and tribulations.
Did your first interaction with a dog make you resistant towards animals, or your first interaction with a male figure make you wary of men? Was it an early interaction with a teacher that made you feel powerless or stupid? Each of those experiences has had an impact on the level of resistance you have. Maybe within you was the desire to become a veterinarian, but your fear of dogs held you back? Or your first interaction with men set the stage for your future relationships, and your teacher had an impact on how your entire educational journey would go?
As I sit here typing these words, I think of the teacher who told me I’d never be a writer and I know that her words had a powerful impact, and led to the resistance that keeps me from putting finger to key. Sometimes I sit here for hours, typing and erasing, typing and erasing, and then closing my laptop on an unproductive day. I’ve taken retreats to be inspired to write, walks with my dogs, meditations, made the environment just right with the perfect music, my favourite tea and the balcony door open letting in the cool breeze off the lake. But still nothing. And then finally I give myself permission to stop. I take the pressure off and say to myself, ‘What if you never write again, how does that feel?’ And it just doesn’t feel right. I feel an intrinsic desire to express myself, my deepest emotions, my stories and the wisdom I’ve gained, both for self-reflection and in hope of inspiring others. So then why can’t I just sit down and write? Or why can’t you seem to have a healthy relationship? Or why can’t you just walk up to that dog and pet him?
Resistance, that’s why. Resistance is that habitual force that kicks up in us, especially it seems when we’re ready to take action on something that’s deeply authentic. In my case, that’s writing. That voice comes again: ‘You will never be a writer,’ and because I saw that teacher as an authority in my life I gave her the power to choose for me. And so her voice became the resistance that shows up every time I sit down to write.
Even now at 40-odd years old, after a successful career in marketing, business development and events, as well as being the creator, producer and editor of one of the world’s largest online personal development resources VividLife.me, resistance kicks up every time I embark on a new endeavor. And especially when that endeavor is calling me higher. Does this sound familiar? When you’re called higher, maybe as a promotion at work or to take your relationship to the next level, that nagging voice is there waiting for you.
Each of these endeavors or experiences that prompts our resistance is a chance to polish the mirror – to look deep within ourselves, to pull out what’s blocking us and have a look at it. When was it? Where was it? Who was it? Take a journey through your mind’s eye back to the experience(s) that shaped you, back to the experience(s) that created the resistance standing between who you are and who you want to be.
We can apply this to every area of our lives and we can look into our relationships and connections past and present to find the keys to breaking through this resistance. Maybe you grew up with a bossy older sister and never found the courage to stand your ground, and that’s mirrored in all of your relationships today. Or you were the youngest sibling and you always felt left out. Or you were the oldest and felt you had to take responsibility for everyone and everything, and just wanted to break free from responsibility altogether.
Take a look at how those connections within your life moulded who you are, and created the resistance to who you’d like to become, or who you really are. Maybe you latched on to the first partner that gave you attention, but now you’re not feeling like this relationship is in alignment with who you really are. You might have children and have built a life together and be resistant to taking the leap for fear of what that will look like. Sometimes the friends that you grew up with just didn’t seem to actually grow, and you’re feeling called to build relationships that will help you grow, that take you higher. But there’s that resistance thing again … coming to us in voices, in memories and in conditioned thoughts that can keep us hostage to a life that’s not in authentic alignment. So we keep putting on the mask and showing up to the masquerade.
We have to be very careful not to place blame on the experiences and the connections we’ve made within them. Our life is our responsibility. Our karma is in our actions. We are responsible for every choice we make and the consequences for those choices. An Oprah Winfrey quote comes to mind:
Nobody but you is responsible for your life. It doesn’t matter what your momma did. It doesn’t matter what your daddy didn’t do. You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself, and you’re responsible for the energy you bring to others.
This is what I meant by ‘our karma is in our actions’. And so when it comes to resistance and the experiences that create it, we are responsible for reaching in, having a look around and then pulling them out by their roots. So then we can eliminate what, or who, is blocking us from the life we were born to live.
My Story: ‘No, this Way’
Once you know your own voice you can’t help but recognize when it’s drowned out by others and creating the resistance to being fully present to who you are.
As I put my headset down on my desk I realized that it was one of the last times I would ever do that, at least as creator and producer of a personal development radio network. I was tired – exhausted really. For almost seven years I had been creating, producing and promoting other people’s content, in what felt like my dharma (life purpose).
I can remember from being a little kid that I always thought I would be a producer or perhaps even an actor. Maybe in television, movies … I never really saw myself in radio, but it’s where it all ended up. And when the idea came to me through a friend, as a means for amplifying my platform at the time, like many things, I jumped on it.
I had recently let go of a job in the corporate world that no longer felt like it served my highest good, or any good at all really besides money. It provided. It gave me the means to buy and do the things that I thought perhaps would make me feel worthy.
They didn’t, and through the shows I produced I began to learn and remember that my worthiness was not an outside thing. And while I sat there at my desk, headset on and both producing and listening to each program, I would absorb the wisdom and feel a spiritual fire burning within my soul like nothing I’ve felt before. I felt invincible.
The shows started out with me both producing, hosting and co-hosting. However, I quickly took a back seat and began creating, producing and promoting the shows. My name went from headline to no line at all. But why was I so quick to withdraw my name?
That was a question I asked myself over and over again until a recent realization, but at the time I had no idea. I was convinced it was my life purpose. After all, from my earliest memory I remember getting all the kids together and writing and directing plays for our family. And yet from an early age I felt destined to be the star. I remember in middle school writing, directing and starring in a play about the effects of drug and alcohol abuse on the family. Back then I had no problem getting up in front of an audience. I mean I would have the butterflies, which is quite common, but the excitement would overrule any idea I had of withdrawing my role.
But somewhere along the way I started to resist the starring roles and instead faded into the background. From there a life-long struggle began, and my life took a series of twists and turns that would take me away from everything I loved, including myself. But why?
The problem was my relationships. My relationships started to become the focus of my life. I stopped giving my attention to myself and what was within me to give, and I started giving that attention to everyone else. Helping others has always been a part of my journey, and is still strongly with me today as I write these words, but this was beyond helping others. Every ounce of my being was focused on doing whatever I could to be liked. This became a main driver in my life, and created the resistance that would have me steer off course (if there’s such thing) for a major part of my life.
I chose to take my life in the direction of doing for others before I cared for myself, of asking others before I asked myself. And quite frankly it ended that day when I put my headset on the desk. I didn’t quite know why but a series of events, most poignantly a sharing group circle at one of my favourite places in the world, The Hive Centre, was the catalyst.
And it ended up being me – the person who created the program – who had a breakdown/breakthrough that day. Do you know those moments in life when things just hit you? You could have been told a million times, attended hundreds of workshops, been in therapy for years, but it just took one moment and one word to bring it all together for you, and then AHA! A ripple effect of awareness and understanding comes over you, and you can’t help but do something about it.
Well, that was that day, at a group at The Hive Centre, not far from my home. I had this deep realization, and it was the catalyst to an understanding I carry with me today that helps me keep more in alignment with my most authentic self. The little boy in the director’s chair, with the script in his hand, who jumped in at centre stage to steal the show.
I was ready to steal the show again – maybe steal is not the right word. More like I wanted to claim my role. Or better yet, to step into the truth of who I really am and give that to the world with conviction.
On that day, while others were talking and sharing what was in their hearts, I went into something of a trance and memory after memory flashed through my mind. Something like I’ve heard people say happens when you die. My whole life flashed before my eyes, but I didn’t feel like I was dying. What I felt was that I was being released.
The memories came one by one: my English teacher saying I wouldn’t be a writer, my friends saying I looked like a loser, my drama teacher failing me, my peers screaming ‘fairy boy’ at me while I ran with the ball during a soccer game, the cynical and angry voices of my peers envious of my progress.
One by one the memories came and with them were tears. I wept and wept and wept that day, right in front of a group that besides a few friends was mostly strangers. There I was centre stage, as vulnerable as I’d ever been, with everyone watching as tears flowed from my eyes. The pain left my heart and the reasons for my resistance to standing in my true power were revealed. There it was, playing like a movie in my mind: the faces, the relationships, the experiences that had held me hostage from my truest self for my entire life.
I had allowed them all in their own unique way to act as the resistance that stood between who I was and who I wanted to be. My friends were in my mind, picking out my clothes every time I got dressed, my teachers every time I thought about writing or stepping on stage, and my peers as I paid sharp attention to how I walked and talked.
All of these memories and many, many more came to the surface that day and, one by one, like thorns of resistance, I pulled them out and watched them heal. And with each moment I felt clearer and closer to hearing my own voice and having the confidence to speak it out.
***
I realized that I had been hiding – very well, I might add – behind the scenes of my own life and making everyone else the star, calling them all to be the greatest versions of themselves while I was allowing each of the thorns of resistance to keep me from being who I really was.
But that day I had the realization and the courage to be vulnerable enough. To stand, or in this case sit, centre stage and let it all out in an emotional performance deeply rooted in the truth of who I really am. And from that day forth I felt more free. Not that I wouldn’t be challenged many more times; however, I now had the awareness to know when I was allowing my relationships to create resistance in my life. Once you know your own voice you can’t help but recognize when it’s drowned out by others and creating the resistance to being fully present to who you are.
And about the headphones. I see them hanging out of my old laptop bag from time to time, and once in a while I think about picking them up and I feel resistance playing its game – ‘this way, no that way’. And then I remember, take a deep breath and put resistance in its place, check in with my highest self, and say, ‘No, this is the way.’
The Practice of Relationships
Be Open
Contrary to our conditioned belief, being open with ourselves and others is crucial to a radically authentic life. It’s not that you have to run down the street shouting out your story, but to share it with those who have earned it is in itself empowering. Obviously not every person we share our stories with has our best interest at heart, or sometimes they do at the time but as misunderstandings and the end of relationships would have it, they – for lack of a better phrase – ‘stab us in the back’. And that’s ok. Be open anyway, because to those who speak about others and share their secrets, it says more about them than it does about you.
It takes courage to open up and share the truth, and as Brene Brown says, ‘Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. … Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.’
When I want to be more open, I try to ‘tune in’ to what I’m feeling and my intent, and break through the resistance to speaking up. Deep breathing can help if I find this difficult, but I try to act consciously to deliver my true self in my communication. If that isn’t respected, then be strong and draw boundaries as you need.
And the more open we are the more connected we are to each other and ultimately to our higher selves. And ironically every aspect of our lives begins to align. We have higher self-worth, better friends, and are essentially happier, healthier and wealthier.
Ask Questions
Asking questions is very important in the quest to know ourselves, both of ourselves through deep self-inquiry and of others to identify their intent. To know the root of a situation is how we gain the power to fully understand it. And once we understand something or someone fully we can put that into context that makes sense on our path.
For instance, if we are constantly in conflict with, or triggered by, someone this is a great opportunity to ask questions. Both of them and of ourselves. For me it’s an invitation to not just run away because I feel uncomfortable, but to dive in deeper to discover the roots. Because what I’ve learned through my experience is that it’s not as I once thought, that everyone is out to get me. That in most cases it’s quite the opposite, and never really much at all to do with me and more to do with how they are feeling, and/or perceiving me through the filters which they have collectively adopted to protect themselves.
Which takes me back to reading a chapter in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz – ‘Don’t Take Anything Personally’:
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally … Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind … a different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you … the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds …”*
And this is a testament to why asking questions is so important to understanding others and ourselves and to knowing our authentic voice amongst the noise. And if I don’t receive the answer that feels right, either from others, or through my own self-inquiry. I keep asking until I do.
‘Be still and know.’
And eventually what resonates with your highest self will manifest. Either through your thoughts or your experiences, but what’s most important is that we pay attention with mindful awareness.
Listen
One of the keys to a healthy relationship with others and ourselves is listening. And to listen with our full awareness. Where we are inspired, and where we are triggered. We can learn so much about ourselves through listening to others. It is said that life, and our relationships, are constantly mirroring ourselves back to us and once we have the awareness to notice, we have an obligation to do something about it.
Many of us are not very good listeners, we seem to wait to talk. Perhaps it’s learned behaviour, or perhaps a protective device; however, whatever the case, taking a moment to notice how effective we are at listening to others is a step in the right direction towards a deeper understanding of ourselves through others.
For example, you’ve just purchased a new house, or a car, or decided to take on a new entrepreneurial adventure and you are so overwhelmed with excitement you can’t help but tell every person you come into contact with. And as quick as you are to share, as the feedback from others comes in you start to withdraw, feel resistance and second guess your decision(s).
Your mom says it’s too expensive, your dad says that specific type of car is prone to accidents, and your sister says you shouldn’t be taking those sorts of risks in your financial position. Each one of them projecting quite possibly their own fears, as well as mirroring back to you your own doubts and resistance.
But not in every case. In many cases the feedback you are receiving is educated through their own experience. And this is where a deep sense of listening and discernment comes in. Both taking a deep breath and listening to what the other has to say and then discerning whether or not their opinion rings true for yourself. Using every example, word and trigger to check in with yourself against your own voice.
It can get difficult to sort out all the voices in our heads. There’s the crossing guard from elementary school, the drama teacher from high school, the bullies, the old boss, Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother. However, amongst each of those voices is our own and the quieter we become the more we can hear it.**
Conscious Action vs. Reaction
And now this, conscious action versus reaction, has been my saving grace in many conflicts and triggering moments in my relationships. My conditioning, from witnessing relationships on my journey, would have me react when I’m triggered in any given situation, and from my experience, reacting causes war within and without every single time.
Our reactions to life, experiences, conflicts and triggers end up as projections of experiences and emotional trauma from our pasts not dealt with. Perhaps we are in a new relationship and our partner speaks words that are familiar from previous relationships, and we automatically react and project, which ends up creating the same relationship over and over again. Or we have a boss that questions us, or isn’t quite all sunshine and rainbows about a project we hand in, which takes us back to an experience in high school, and we react from that experience versus responding to the current one.
This reminds me of an interview that I listened to on Q on CBC Radio here in Canada about a Whitney Houston documentary, and the fact that she had been sexually abused by a family member and how every experience going forward in her life was influenced by that experience, which ended up affecting her relationships with herself, others, and eventually leading to the addictions that took her life.
If we don’t take the time to step back from our reactionary state to find the roots, and our truth within it, it can create a ripple effect of conflict both within and without, and can hold us hostage to an inauthentic existence without us ever being aware of it. We can begin to believe that we are the victim, or that the person in front of us, no matter who they are and what their actual intent, is the perpetrator of that pain, and then we project it on them. Whether they are responsible for it or not.
Conscious action requires us to take a step back, a deep breath, or even a few minutes, hours or days to do some deep reflection, self-inquiry, or meditation on why; to gain a greater understanding of ourselves, and to communicate clearly and compassionately from that perspective.
Reflection: Ask Questions, Listen and Respond
Wow, oh wow! Isn’t it interesting how our relationships can be the key to our freedom in discovering our most authentic selves? And if we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to open up and engage in them truthfully, vulnerably and with the understanding that we’re all perfectly imperfect, they can also be what holds us hostage from truly knowing ourselves.
I know, and have met, many different people – unique personalities from all different walks of life – however, it seems that no matter where people come from there are very distinct personalities amongst them. There’s the happy-go-lucky, the bad-tempered, the cool and collected, and the melancholic. Each personality is a collective of their genetic disposition and experiences, all interacting with each other; getting along, hitting triggers, causing conflicts, and projecting, but essentially all different points of difference and perspectives are opportunities to know ourselves and our voices better.
Whether it’s a conflict with a spouse, a point of difference in politics, or a personal opinion about our choices, relationships can either be a point of resistance, or a mirror of opportunity into the truth of who we really are. And what sets them apart is our willingness to be open, ask questions, listen and respond with conscious action versus reaction.
* FROM DON MIGUEL RUIZ, THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. AMBER-ALLEN PUBLISHING, INCORPORATED (2018)
** QUOTE ATTRIBUTED TO RAM DASS