PERPETUAL FIVE-YEAR-OLD – PLAY
It seems our lives are becoming more work and less play. Even our play time has become inundated with work, as we carry our cell phones wherever we go and the traditional 9–5 working culture disappears. And even if we’re not momentarily checking our emails or text messages, we become distracted from being present for play by making it all about capturing the moment for our followers on social media.
I can deeply relate to this as I have my phone with me wherever I go. Whether out on a walk with my dogs along the beach or sitting on a patio having a drink and soaking up the sun, I always have my phone right beside me, ready to click on a special view or event, and most of the time I spend so much time trying to capture it that I myself miss the moment completely.
Sound familiar?
It’s seems we’ve become so wrapped up in a culture of work, work, work, share, share, share – that we have become defined more and more through what we do and the number of likes, shares and followers we get via social media than by who we truly are. So much so that it seems every day when I log on to any platform there are countless ads for webinars, workshops and online courses to improve my social media game.
If it wasn’t bad enough that we’ve given ourselves limited, or no, play time at all due to work, we have now handed our leisure time to online interactions. We engage less and less in person and make our experiences about capturing the best photo so we can share it with our followers.
On social media, of course, everyone seems to be living a playful, happy and wealthy life. But is this reality? Of course not. I have friends from celebrities and millionaires to stay-at-home parents, and what I know to be true is that each one of them has become increasingly more attached to social media. With the common conversation being about how many followers you have, have you seen what so-and-so posted, my traffic has dropped, all the while sitting together with our faces in our phones.
Sitting being the key, except when we’re standing for selfies. We have become immersed in sedentary lives that lack a sense of playfulness. We’ve forgotten how much fun and joy we get from being playful, and actually being fully engaged in it. And how engaging in active play, and being fully present to this, has so many benefits to our mind, body and spirit. Playfulness can be the catalyst that helps us break through resistance, releases negative energy and draws us closer to our truest selves.
Our lives have become mundane and resistant because we keep on repeating the same actions, and we’re comfortable there. It works, it’s what we’re used to, it keeps us safe. But switching things up, embracing our inner five-year-old and being playful helps us break through the mundane and activates a force within us that can break through any form of resistance.
There is actually research (like we need it) to back up that play reduces anxiety, helps develop crucial life skills, helps us become more focused, makes us better team players, has ample benefits for our mental and physical health, increases our capacity to understand and retain information and, most of all, is fun.
When was the last time you engaged in active, present playfulness? Without your phone?
When was the last time you kicked a ball around, or played with your dog, engaged in a tickle fest, had a day with the girls (or boys), took up a new hobby, got that old water gun out of the closet and chased your partner or friends around, laughing until you peed?
Do you remember? Was it today, yesterday, or weeks or even months ago?
I know I can go long periods of time without play in my life, and most recently I’ve had a very sobering experience that’s shown me how short our life can be. And that waiting to play because I’m so wrapped up in ‘doing’ and forget about ‘being’ might never happen.
One of the most poignant examples of a playful human being was my younger brother and only sibling, Chris. His life was dedicated to living it up, not taking things too seriously, and making time for play whenever he could. He was always inviting me to BBQs, swimming, camping, fishing – you name it, he was doing it, and taking whoever he could along for the ride.
And through his contagious, perpetual five-year-old self, play became his legacy. My brother passed away suddenly at only 38 years old, leaving my mother, step-father, father, his wife Amanda and his three children, Brianna (20), Nathan (16) and Mariah (11). And my only regret is that I didn’t take him up on his offers. As I write to you now I am in tears remembering all the invitations he sent me, and each time I declined because I was too busy.
I was so busy trying to build a life that I was letting the one that was in front of me pass me by. Too serious for play, I passed up on my own opportunity to infuse my life with more joy, to let go of my attachment to proving my worthiness through how much I could accomplish, and my opportunity to take off my shirt and cannonball into the pool and enjoy life in the present with my brother. Not only that, but in doing so I passed up on the opportunities that would have created memories that I could have cherished today.
I don’t have many regrets in my life, if any (besides this one). I am of the belief that everything that happened to me happened through me, and is, if I am aware enough, an opportunity for growth. Play is the most important of them all, and I missed out on that opportunity with my brother. However, through this experience I have learned one of life’s most valuable lessons: to stop putting off till tomorrow what you have the opportunity to do today. Because there may never be a tomorrow. And to be reminded of the importance play has in our lives, not just as children but as adults, because in reality we may be in bigger bodies and with more serious lives, but we are never too far from that little five-year-old who’s always waiting to come out and play.
And in that space, when we’re running and diving in the pool, kicking the ball around, playing with our dog, or running around the yard (or in the house if you want to get in trouble) with water guns, we are free from the resistance that holds us hostage, completely present and engaged, and radiating our most radical authentic selves.
My Story: Captain of the Jungle Gym
I remember running through the field by the lake, so excited to jump up on that jungle gym and take my place as captain of the ship. My playful imagination ran wild, sailing me from Canada to Africa to Australia and all over the world. Closing my eyes and imagining the people I would meet, and of course the food, I would imagine myself stopping for picnics, meeting new friends and just soaking up every little bit that my life as captain of my destiny had to offer.
And when I opened my eyes reality would set in. I would have to run home for dinner. The clouds would cover and darkness set in. As I opened the door to our row townhouse in what we called ‘the ghetto’ the reality of life – not as captain of my destiny sailing the world – but as the seven-year-old son of a single mother trying to survive with two young boys.
Our food was limited and our experiences confined to that of whatever little amount my mother collected from the government to survive. And it was there in that place that it all began – my desire to rise up, to do better and to be better, and the jungle gym that was my dream boat to a better life. Not just for myself, but for my mother and little brother.
At the time my parents had recently separated, and my father was seeing another woman. However, he wasn’t around much. And I can remember my brother and I would spend long nights lying on the floor with our baggage waiting for him to arrive.
And when he did come, just like my brother he was full of life and playfulness. We would go tobogganing and ice fishing in the winter (although they weren’t my favourite things, I did them to be with him) and to carnivals and fishing in the summer. My dad was the best at carnivals, always winning; and he kicked ass at fishing too. My brother followed in his footsteps.
As I grew, though, the visits with my dad became fewer and life became darker as my father struggled with his own demons eventually leading him down the path of addiction, and my mother with the challenge of being a young woman raising two boys. Progressively the playfulness turned to isolation, the isolation to insecurity, and the insecurity birthed a desire to be seen at whatever cost.
It started with a lack of attention at school and quickly turned to taking the stage as the class clown. I would do whatever I could to get the attention I was lacking, and most often I ended up with my nose against the wall in the hallway, or even worse sitting under my teacher’s desk facing the classroom on picture day.
What I didn’t understand then, that I do now, is that I was projecting my inner pain into the outer world. A pattern that would create many challenges in my life as a child, teenager and young adult. As a young adult the desire to be seen, the desire to do and be better, took form as a desire to leave the ‘ghetto’ and be successful and seen in the world. At first I tried to take what seemed to be the easy road. I signed up for the theatre at my school and began auditioning. At that time I thought that becoming an actor would not only get me out of the ‘ghetto’ and make me wealthy, but that I would finally be seen. I ended up as an extra in a bunch of plays, and so it seemed as if my fast track out, through fame, wasn’t as fast and easy as I thought it would be. And through a series of unfortunate events – being severely ostracized and bullied in high school, and witnessing the deterioration of my father through drug addiction – in amongst the normal stresses of a teenage life, I tried to take my own life.
My life was literally no longer play. It took a serious turn of events that would lead me from the psych ward to experimenting with drugs and alcohol. All of these, as I am aware now, as methods of suppressing the past that had taken away my playfulness and created the pain.
I became more playful through drugs, alcohol and parties. Actually I became so playful I was the life of the party. Even the local taxi company knew when they dropped off at my apartment, ‘that’s the party house’.
And then I had the new and amazing influence in my life that I had fallen in love with, and am married to today. My husband Timm came along and whisked me off my feet to what I thought was a better life, the life I had always dreamed of, the life that would free me from the ‘ghetto’ and give me the means to take care of myself and everyone I could.
And so I put down the party crown in pursuit of reclaiming my role as captain of my destiny. I finished college, I got a job, and another, and another. I climbed the ladder, putting everything I had into becoming a success; and the more I focused on success, the more I left the playfulness behind. I began to become boring, and would go through periods of regret where I would become the life of the party again. I struggled back and forth so much, but eventually settled into the boring life, desperately chasing the idea of success that I thought would bring me what I so deeply desired.
Literally in pain almost every minute of the day and far away from that playful, imaginative kid who would run through the field by the lake, so excited to jump up on that jungle gym and take my place as captain of the ship. I wasn’t captain of any ship, least of all mine. I was becoming a slave to success. At this point I wasn’t even a slave to the corporation. I was running my own ship, but taking it in the wrong direction. At least the wrong direction for me.
I was repeating the life I’d seen of other successful men, but never realizing I was losing myself, my relationship, and my family along the way. ‘Busy’ was my excuse, and it was the truth. I would work from the time that I woke up till I eventually passed out on the couch beside my computer. My husband would just cover me up with a blanket and in the morning keep reminding me that the direction I was headed wasn’t healthy. And that if I wanted to let it all go, he would support and love me unconditionally. That he wasn’t in love with me for what I do, but for who I am.
He became a constant light in my life. Always guiding me to make the right decisions for me and always doing his best to entice me to play. Until finally one day the pain of remaining the same was worse than the fear of change. And I took him up on his offer. We ended up going out on a night on the town, meeting a few friends, and that event would be the catalyst to nurturing and expanding upon my desire to create more play in my life.
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But life can’t be all play and no work – or can it? I mean if you love your work (what you do) it certainly can be. And my mission from that day forth was to incorporate a little playfulness in whatever I did, and to start saying YES to playful experiences. And the amount of play joyfully expanded as I allowed it, as I learned to take life less seriously. Actually, I knew this all along. I had just decided to follow the path that I thought was mine, versus my own. My desire to overcome the ‘ghetto’, to be seen, took the place of captain and steered me in the direction of my ego’s desire versus the playfulness of my imaginative explorer. Now I travel the globe, stopping for picnics, meeting new friends and soaking up every little bit that my life as captain of my destiny, has to offer.
The Practice of Play
Start the Day with Play
The way we start our day has a lot to do with how our day actually unfolds. Do we just go through the motions with a lack of energy and purpose or will we glide through the day with intention and joy? We get to choose. But what is most in alignment with our truest self is to do it with enthusiasm.
‘The word enthusiasm comes from the Greek word “entheos”, which means the God within. And the happiest, most interesting people are those who have found the secret of maintaining their enthusiasm, that God within.’
Earl Nightingale
And the direct path to enthusiasm is playfulness. An innate force within us constantly calling us home to ‘the God within’. The more playful we are the deeper our connection to our authentic self. Playfulness washes away the stress, boosts our mood and keeps us in open communication with our intuition. And the more in touch with our intuition we are, the more authentic our path and everything and everyone that crosses it.
But what’s playful to me may not be playful to you. Playfulness to me is taking my dogs to the beach and watching my youngest play in the water and collect rocks, neatly lining them up along the shoreline; or channelling my inner five-year-old on the jungle gym as captain of my destiny; or taking a walk in nature barefoot with friends in the rain – running, laughing and splashing through brooks.
But what does playfulness look like to you? Is it being active in sports? Perhaps engaging in a game of squash? Is it joining a pole dancing or tap dancing class? Or taking a trip to your local pool (or the one in your back yard)? Whatever your idea of play is, incorporating that as a practice to start your day is key in channelling your best and most authentic life and brings with it copious benefits to your physical, mental and spiritual health. And the healthier you are, the more in alignment you are with your truest self.
Sing and Dance
Another of my late brother’s favourite things to do – and it didn’t matter where he was, whether the grocery store, the mall, or the doctor’s office – was to just break out into spontaneous song and dance. It was something to be admired as he made it none of his business what other people thought, something we could all use a little bit more of in our lives.
I know I tend to dance like everybody’s watching and it truly affects my ability to just break free. I know I’ve caught friends dancing in many situations: while vacuuming, in their cars, or down an empty aisle in the grocery store, and when they catch your eye they tend to go red and stop what they’re doing in their tracks. You see, we suppress our natural desire to cut loose for fear of what other people think, when the truth is, we all want to let go. ‘Now I gotta cut loose, Footloose, kick off the Sunday shoes.’ Remember that song?
One of my favourite things to do is to sing out loud, sometimes just spontaneously singing lyrics of songs (or making up my own) that have to do with something I’m thinking or a conversation that I’m having. And it usually ends up in a fit of belly laughter, or once in a while an accident (yes – I’ve peed my pants laughing) and I hope to incorporate more of it in my life.
The benefits of dancing and singing far outweigh any negative reaction we might get while dancing around and singing with our broom (do you remember that scene from Mrs Doubtfire, one of my favourites?). They increase our vitality, improve our flexibility both physically and mentally, reduce stress, and invoke a deeper connection to ourselves and our environment.
So the next time you’re feeling disconnected, stressed out, and low, put on Richard Simmons’ ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ (I used to watch my grandmother do this at 5 in the morning). It’s guaranteed to not only make you sweat, but give you the best possible start to your day, be a direct path to joy and keep you radically authentic. Ok, maybe ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ isn’t for you. But we all have something that brings us home to ourselves, so find out what it is, and giver!
Get Creative
Creativity is one of the best forms of playfulness. Whether it’s creating products for my husband and my bath and body company, planning our annual themed holiday soiree, picnic games for our birthaversary events, creating vision boards, making Malas (meditation beads), or doing one of my dear friend Elsii’s ‘Naturally Gifted’ retreats where she partners connecting with nature and creating natural art – merging two of my absolute favourite forms of play into one, nature and creative art.
No matter what the creative medium, it’s a direct path to stress relief, self-awareness, connection and growth. Creativity doesn’t have to look like a Picasso. We’re born creative beings and each one of us is a unique expressionist. For me my medium may be art and nature and for you it may be dance, music, drama, writing or photography. I’m open to and dabble in all of them. Some I struggle with, and some I thrive within. However, I find it best to keep open and keep exploring different mediums, as we never know what hidden talent we’ll find. Diving into a Mala-making class, I found that I was able to create the most unique and spiritually powerful Malas which ended up being in high demand. And who knew I had it in me to be an alchemist of scent using essential oils to create the fragrances for our company? What’s most important is to remain open, never limiting ourselves to what we might channel from within, and where that might lead us. But whatever medium we choose, creativity is definitely a direct path to our most authentic selves.
Playdate
Waaa hooo! Playdates … so much fun! Whether getting together for brunch, dancing or a picnic at the beach, playdates are crucial to our authentic selves. After all, we crave connection, and learn more about ourselves from our relationships (mirrors) than we do from anything else.
Scheduling time to hang out or chill with our friends and families is of utmost importance to our wellbeing. Especially hanging out with children as children remind us of our innate inner five-year-old, and bring out our deepest sense of playfulness. Just being around children is contagious. They remind us of our own spontaneity, curiosity and sense of joyful presence, and help us cut through the resistance that keeps us hostage as uptight adults. I know just spending an afternoon with my nieces and nephew brings me home to myself and leaves me with a deep sense of inner peace that not even hours of Yoga and Meditation can achieve.
Recently a few friends and I decided to take a walk alongside the water and as we walked we saw so many families together – playing games, BBQing, laughing and swimming. Which reminded us all of our own sense of playfulness, and how as adults who’ve adopted such a serious ‘all work and no play’ regime, we are missing out on that intrinsic desire, and in the process suppressing our most authentic selves. So, remember when you’re mapping out your schedule that it’s important not only to include work-related duties, but to make sure you make a conscious effort to include as many playdates as possible – especially with those who lift you higher.
Reflection: Enjoy the Journey
Playfulness seems to have taken a back seat to our pursuit of success, when in reality it is crucial to our success. What I know for sure is that none of us are getting out of here alive and so our purpose is to enjoy the journey as much as possible.
There is no place we will get to that allows us the opportunity to play. There is no time when we get to cash in on the payoff but now. After all, we’re the captain of our destiny and we get to decide where we sail. We get to say what, why, how, who and when. We are the architects of our own lives, how that looks, unfolds and what our days look like along the way.
And it’s of utmost importance that we do our best to incorporate playfulness in our lives. The more playful we are the more alive we are, and the more alive we are the deeper our connection to ourselves. And success, at least to me, is knowing ourselves and doing our best to give that to the world with all we’ve got.
After all, we don’t want to look back in regret, seeing, as I did, every opportunity we had to drop the act of being serious, focusing on what we thought was a ‘success-driven’ life and end up realizing we missed out on one of the greatest opportunities in our life.
Life is too short for that, my friend, and you are too valuable to sell yourself short. My brother was a shining example of what a radically authentic life, full of playfulness, looked like. No, he wasn’t a millionaire – and yes, he had his fair share of trials and tribulations – but what is most important is that he glided through life and left a legacy of playful memories that have inspired us all to let go, break out of our rigid shells (the memory that comes to mind is a video of my brother running and jumping into a swimming pool that had just been closed), to not take ourselves and life so seriously, and enjoy the journey.