GRATITUDE FOR EVERYTHING – GRATITUDE
‘Gratitude is the attitude’, ‘be grateful for all things’, ‘start the day with a grateful heart’ … Everywhere we turn we see gratitude quotes, articles about gratitude journals and thankfulness prayers. It started with our training as kids and has worked its way into every practice, self-help blog, book and social media feed. But what does it even mean, or mean to you?
The dictionary defines gratitude as ‘the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness’. And I get that, and I experience that to be true, but not as something that has come naturally but something that has to be cultivated or experienced.
As a child I remember getting gifts from my aunts, uncles and family friends and immediately my mother would tell me to say ‘thank you’. But what did it mean? Why was I saying thank you, and most importantly why was I saying thank you for something when I didn’t feel it, and in many cases didn’t want what they were giving me (unless of course it was food!) And yes, I was truly grateful for food – I felt that with every ounce of my being. The rush of gratefulness intoxicated my body as a huge grin graced my face. I think that’s when I began to understand and feel what gratitude was.
However, the gratitude that was forced upon me as an expectation from my elders didn’t feel authentic to me. I mean, at five years old I didn’t know what authentic meant, but I knew it didn’t feel right to say ‘thank you’ when I didn’t mean it. And so for me, and possibly yourself, we learned at an early age that gratitude was something that was expected, and so became another point of conditioning in our lives and like robots we went on aimlessly thanking people without perhaps even feeling it. And like anything authentic, if we don’t feel it with every ounce of our being to be true then it’s not, at least for us.
As I began to formally explore the path of personal development, every book, workshop and podcast would suggest a gratitude practice to start and end the day. They told me to start a gratitude journal. And a journal was something foreign to me. The only experience I’d ever had with journals was through my friends (girls) who called it a diary and kept it secret. I wasn’t familiar with writing down my thoughts, or my appreciation (gratitude). As always, though, I was open to trying new things, and especially at that particular time of transition in my life. After all, the practice of gratitude promised me fulfillment.
So I purchased journal after journal, taking my time picking out the one with the best design, often costing me an arm and a leg, and I would write:
I’m grateful for …
But nothing. I couldn’t feel anything. When I wrote the word on the paper I felt nothing and saw just words. I understood what they were associated with; however, I didn’t actually ‘feel’ the feeling of gratitude. And what does it feel like anyway? It’s described as an emotion or feeling in our bodies, like joy or sadness or anger. But all I had to relate it to was the feeling of getting food as a kid. And it wasn’t something I forced, it was an automatic response.
Just like most of life’s conditioning, I had no real connection to gratitude, and it most definitely didn’t feel like me. It isn’t like I’m some ungrateful human being, it’s just that when I was thankful, it was radically authentic, from the heart and felt with my whole body. And I think my conditioning of what gratitude was caused my resistance to actually feeling it.
And so I practiced and practiced and realized that the journal thing just wasn’t for me. Around that time I had read a few articles that said that journaling really isn’t effective for men. True or not, I know for sure it was true for me and so onward I went to find a gratitude practice that worked for me.
Practice after practice failed to give me the experience that I was being told or had read about. Perhaps it was because I wasn’t actually grateful, as life seemed to be constantly turbulent and the majority of my focus was on just trying to survive and to find my place in the world amongst the chaos.
But like everything in life, I kept on trying. Sometimes I tried a little too hard, causing me resentment. And the more resentment I felt, the further away from gratitude I became. But it made sense. How was I, or are you, if your life is or has been turbulent, able to be grateful for something that felt like nothing but struggle? It becomes all we focus on, and so I know the law of attraction says ‘what you focus on you attract more of’ and perhaps because I wasn’t feeling gratitude I wasn’t cultivating any experiences to be grateful for.
It’s a challenging endeavor undoing conditioning. Some studies have said that it’s even stored in our DNA. And so how do we undo that, how can we change our DNA? From my own experience I’ve learned that repeating the same action consistently creates a new pattern and new pathways in the brain, and so perhaps it could shift whatever deep conditioning that is embedded in our DNA as well.
And so, like any goals we have, we repeat and practice. I have that old saying playing over and over in my head: ‘practice makes perfect’. (And although I don’t believe in the idea of perfection, at least the one we’re conditioned to believe in, I do believe we are perfectly imperfect.) I also believe that with practice, and especially a practice that’s authentic to us and partnered with radical focus, we can cultivate newer and more progressive life-affirming habits.
Not everything comes naturally to everyone. It is an undoing of all you’ve been conditioned to believe, and a process of learning what gratitude meant to you as an individual. Finding and accessing that emotion, perhaps that had been buried deep through life experience, is our opportunity to take on the responsibility of whether we allow the experience to take us down or lift us higher.
Gratitude for someone who is in deep suffering could perhaps be a luxury, but if we can find the light of awareness to cultivate a gratitude practice that is authentic to us, it really is magical.
My Story: His Last Prayer
As I sit here writing my gratitude story it’s almost seven months to the day from my brother’s sudden death and a day away from an intimate gathering of my immediate family to spread my brother’s ashes. I’ve been contemplating what I am going to write for the better part of this week and, as the day draws closer, an upheaval of emotions and physical sensations has set in. All need to be processed in order to heal and all are amplified at the intensity that I loved him, and still do.
What does this have to do with gratitude, you might ask?
It took my brother’s death to teach me the most valuable lesson in gratitude. Not gratitude for the experience, as this would be one of the only experiences in my life I would wish to be different. If I had the power I would bring him back in a heartbeat. However, my brother in his life and perspective had little (in regards of material things) but was full of love and gratitude. He spent his life in the kind of presence we hear about in self-help books, and he never read one or attended a workshop. Life, his family, his friends and experience were his workshop. And what a glorious workshop it was, and the most valuable lesson in appreciation and gratitude I can think of to date.
You see, I’d lived my life in a state of ‘what’s next?’ I was always focusing on the future and succumbing to my anxieties about it and how I was seen in the world, as well as holding others to the idea I had adopted (from where I don’t know) of how they or things were supposed to be. I was literally terrified. Terrified to jump in the pool because my body wasn’t perfect, terrified to be around people that were different than me – whether perceived ‘higher’ or ‘lower’ than me. Something I know now to be an illusionary product of societal conditioning, but all along there it was. My brother and his living, breathing example of the way he lived – his bounce-back ‘don’t give a fuck’ perception – had once scared but now inspires me. I truly wish that it didn’t take his death for me to learn such a valuable lesson.
My previous experiences, however, had not given me the magnitude of suffering and pain that this experience has. From the deep emotional rollercoaster to the physical symptoms that had me feeling as if I wasn’t long for this world either, to witnessing the unbearable suffering my mother, his wife and three children endured.
You might ask how I could ever cultivate gratitude from the experience. How does anyone who’s had to endure such deep suffering find it within them? Some days it took everything in me to even stand up. I remember a conversation I had with my mother where she cried out, saying she didn’t even have the strength to move, and my words to her were, ‘Just stand up, take the first step, and then the second, and by some force, you will be given the strength to take the next.’ I don’t know where this strength comes from, but it’s real. However, you have to meet it half way.
My brother and grandmother both believe this strength comes from Jesus. That like the Footprints poem that once sat on my night table, when we’re in our deepest tragedies, we are by some mystical force carried through. My personal belief is that this force is innate from birth. And that throughout our lives it’s constantly whispering to us and we, as I’ve said over and over again, just need to be still enough to hear it. That voice is our most radical authentic self. And whatever medium we use to get there is our own personal choice. And though perhaps we don’t see things in the same way, much like my brother and I, I respect whatever it is for you.
‘Thank you, Jesus,’ is something I had been used to hearing my entire life, as I grew up, like most Anglos, close to the Christian faith. And as life would have it, ‘thank you’ through prayer with my grandmother, would be my brother’s last words before his passing. As I recall from my conversation with my grandmother, their very last conversation was filled with questions for Heaven and his final prayer was how he was thankful for every experience and connection that he had been blessed with. What a last conversation and prayer to have. The kind you most often read about in books or see in movies. But this is real. And the catalyst to a powerful shift, and perspective on gratitude for me.
Up until this conversation I had longed to feel what it felt like to be grateful no matter what, but I struggled with defiant replies as I saw the gratitude quotes go by on my social media. How can you be grateful for such tragedies? In my experience there is no easy way. The only way to healing, to a greater understanding and to higher wisdom, is through the pain. Not to take the path already beaten to a pulp but the one we must beat ourselves. It takes courage, strength and tenacity – or what they call blood, sweat and tears. But believe me, it’s the only way. Experience, and being totally present to what we are feeling and fully processing, that is the only way. And once we’re there, we will be able to look back with the light of a deeper awareness.
***
And it took this tragedy for me to fully experience and embody gratitude in and for everything. After all, the worst of the worst happened, and here I and my entire family were, with a choice to either be consumed by darkness or let his life, his message, be the light of awareness that carries us through.
And for me, even though I still wake up many days crying, wishing and hoping he would come walking through that door, I remember the light he brought to our lives. I remember the gratitude he had for everything, his last prayer, and the ripple effect it all had in my own awareness of gratitude.
And every time I feel myself slipping into a state of ungratefulness, I close my eyes and I see his smile, his amazing smile, forever etched on my heart, reminding me of the power of gratitude to shape our experiences, no matter where life has and will take us. And every day, as his last prayer, I cultivate the light of awareness within to be grateful for all things. Because all things have contributed to who I am today.
The Practice of Gratitude
Appreciation for What/Who’s Good
It’s challenging when we’re in the midst of chaos and suffering but essential too, as Cher said in Moonstruck (I’m aging myself again): ‘Snap out of it!’ Not that we need to snap out of or bypass what we’re feeling, because that’s very real and a very necessary part of the process, but we must allow the light of awareness to penetrate our perception.
When ‘the going gets tough’, it can send us on a downward spiral. We get on the negative train to Darkville that can sometimes be overwhelming to return from. But if we take a moment, perhaps between tears, to cultivate gratitude for the good things, experiences and people that we are blessed with, it can make or break us.
I’ve not always been able to ‘practice what I preach’, but when I do, this practice has been a life saver. Both when I returned from an unconscious state after trying to take my own life as a teen, and in the months following my brother’s sudden death. Yes, the experiences that surrounded me were grim; however, there was also so much in reality to be grateful for. As a teen the rush of support from family and close friends which was literally lifesaving, to know that you are seen and loved could make the difference that led to the experiences I am writing about today. And in the passing of my brother not just the people that ‘showed up’, but how deeply they showed up filled my soul with a level of gratitude that seriously felt like I was high, naturally, without the influence of substance. And to hear the stories of how he touched people’s lives, to know how he touched his children’s, his wife’s and my own life gave me butterflies that carried me through even the darkest of times. It gave me the light I needed to step in the right direction.
The circumstances don’t have to be as tragic. There are opportunities in every experience every day that can provide us with a greater understanding of gratitude, and create the catalyst to lift us higher or maybe just carry us through.
Take a moment now to appreciate what’s good. Perhaps they are small things, but just like taking baby steps eventually leads to running, building on the little things leads to a greater perspective that can save a life, or even just a day.
Remembering What’s Made You
You’re a beautiful person inside and out. Yes you are. I know perhaps you’ve thought, said or done things that are ‘out of character’ but at the core you are a beautiful radiant being. I know this to be true. And it’s through life experiences that we have the opportunity to cultivate the awareness.
Remember what’s made you – the light and the dark. Life is both yin and yang and hopefully we come to a place where as the pendulum swings we don’t allow it to define us but use the contrast to remember who we are.
The light has shaped us; however, from my own experience the darkness has the ability to shape us even more. The darkest experiences in my life have led me to the deepest perspectives, and once through them they have lit the path to the awareness that has brought me to where I am today.
Being abused as a child both sexually and physically, with a lot of psychological, physical, and spiritual work, has moulded me and made me the man I am today. Would I ask for it all again? The jury is out on that one. Don’t judge me or think that I want it to happen to anyone else, or that I condone such behaviour, but it awakened in me a place of deep non-biased compassion for people, both the victims and perpetrators. Not that one shouldn’t be held accountable for one’s actions – the projection of our pain in whatever form is never acceptable. However, once I was able to see my abusers as humans, disconnected and in deep pain, I was able to forgive and to free myself from the experience. It has been a lifetime’s work.
I’m not asking, or even expecting, that you do, or even can do the same. But what I am asking is that you perhaps take a journey through your life, if you’re capable, and work to find gratitude for the experiences both light and dark, and reframe them in a manner that makes you feel a little lighter in the loafers. Do please see a professional for guidance if this is needed. Life, even in its simplest day, can be challenging and the more we’re able to reframe our experiences with gratitude for how they’ve shaped our lives, the easier we sleep. And there’s nothing better than a good night’s sleep.
Gratitude Reflection (Meditation)
Taking a journey down memory lane can provide us with an instant dose of joy. Perhaps this isn’t the right practice with which to visit the dark experiences. Let’s just use this practice to focus on the light, and what’s lifted you higher.
Take a few minutes in the morning, during a break or in the evening – whatever works best for you – and close your eyes and take yourself through the experiences that have brought you the most joy. Start with maybe one experience from today, or if you can’t find one, then bring in a recent experience.
Focus on the experience as if you were taking a tour with the Ghost of Christmas Past (A Christmas Carol). Relive it through your mind and allow yourself all the feelings. Every time I utilize this practice I get goosepimples which are always a sign for me that it’s an experience I enjoy and the feeling of joy is, for me, a precursor to gratitude. Just like when someone gifted me with food as a kid, first the joy, then the gratitude.
My mind can be like a drunken monkey and so this practice can take a lot of practice. Some days it’s a breeze and some days our memories are covered in clouds, but as the great Maya Angelou said: ‘there’s always a rainbow in the clouds’. Just keep looking. You’ll find it, and then ride it like a dream. Allow it to penetrate you with joy and cultivate a deep vibrating sense of gratitude. And the more you practice, the better you get. Practice is the key to transforming our patterns from self-defeating to self-improving.
Act with Love
Ah, love. Sweet love. What the world needs now is more love. Such truth, and so many obstacles to truth and love. Layers upon layers of conditioning and resistance can make it really challenging to access the love. And to act from that place, as best we can, in all things.
But like all things, we start with the little things. We start where we are and when we can we expand from there. Maybe it’s just loving your morning coffee or sitting on your porch (or someone else’s if you don’t have one) and appreciating the effortlessness of nature; how as Lao Tzu said, it ‘does not hurry yet everything is accomplished’. Or watching the plethora of cat videos that go by on your Facebook feed.
I could be doing the dishes. I’m using this example because I hate doing dishes, but it’s a great reference for me because I’ve used it from time to time to practice this principle. When I’m completely present and loving the process, it makes a huge difference. I ‘crank the tunes’ (a phrase I learned from my mother early in life as she passed along her love of music) and smell the dish soap (I love to smell everything, a weird habit of mine). I fill the sink with warm water, and I giver (a term I learned in the ghetto) and while I’m in the process, dancing away, the feeling of loving what I’m doing and being completely present begins to help me cultivate a state of awareness for what I have to be grateful.
In order for there to be dishes I have to have eaten something, and in order to have eaten something I had to have the means to shop for it, and there creates the ripple effect of gratitude that has me appreciating everything from the delicious meal I ate, to the means to eat it, to gratitude for my health, and the gift of being able to see, feel, and hear everything in the process. Whatever act, however little, start there. Infuse love into your action(s) and take it from there.
And the gratitude just keeps expanding … I’m grateful for the home that houses the dishes, for the experiences that led to the sink being full, to my mom for teaching me to wash them, when I hated it and thought she was the devil for making me do them. Now I appreciate the lesson which I didn’t get then. As well as the time I got to spend with her doing them.
So give it a try. Take something little. Water the plants (if you have them), or take the dog for a walk, or give the dishwasher a break and wash them by hand. But use the process to cultivate loving kindness, and a sense of appreciation for all that it is. And watch your sense of gratitude grow in leaps and bounds. Far greater than you might expect from something so simple. It’s in the little things.
Reflection: Find a Good Place to Start
When you’re in the moment, and if the experience has caused or causes you deep suffering it’s difficult to experience gratitude for it or for anything. You may just want to punch whoever in the face (don’t do it) even if you’ve processed matters enough to access that emotion. Perhaps you’re too deep in depression or anxiety to even access such a basic emotion as anger. And from my experience you need to sit there with that, with the heaviness and the feelings and allow it all to move through you, without keeping you stuck in it. You need to keep moving and experiencing things until they pass, before you can cultivate the gratitude for the experience to take you higher.
And you get to decide when that is for you, when you’re ready. And until the pain of remaining the same is worse than the fear you have of facing it, you’ll stay there. And you may never move from that space. Perhaps you don’t have it in you. Perhaps life has given you so many lemons you don’t have the strength to make lemonade, and to sit on the porch enjoying it. However, I believe, if you’re reading this book, you have it within you. You may need a little inspiration, motivation or professional assistance. But you’ve got it, the light is there. Start with baby steps. Start right now and be grateful that you had the strength to find this book.
It’s a good place to start your appreciation practice. Today.