NOTHING YOU BECOME WILL DISAPPOINT ME – UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND COMPASSION
‘Nothing you become will disappoint me.’ Let that be your mantra. Let that be all of our mantras. Let unconditional love be the very foundation of our intentions, of ourself and of others. It doesn’t mean we don’t hold ourselves and others accountable, but what it does mean is that we love in spite of.
Wikipedia describes unconditional love as ‘love without conditions’. Love without conditions. Imagine that. Imagine a love like that. One where you wake up every morning no matter where you are in life, no matter what the conditions and you just love yourself, right where you’re at, in all your glory or messiness. Imagine that you forgive yourself for making ‘mistakes’, for not making the honour roll in high school, for skipping college to travel the world, for claiming bankruptcy, lashing out when you were hurt, or having a few lazy days when life knocked you down.
Because, aside from those experiences, you are a radiantly authentic being, born with the limitless potential to be yourself. Whatever that looks like. Whether you’re a doctor, a lawyer, a musician, artist or a laborer, whether you live in a big mansion in Hollywood or a tiny house on Vancouver Island, if that’s who you truly are then own that, and love yourself in that space unconditionally. Let go of the idea that everything and everyone, including yourself, needs to look, act, and reach a certain goal or status to be loved. You are worthy of that love right this moment. You are the champion, the one sperm that made it to the egg, creating and birthing a magnificent human being.
‘It doesn’t matter what your mama did. It doesn’t matter what your daddy didn’t do. You are responsible for your life.’
Oprah Winfrey
And you are responsible for the amount of love you let in and give out, and for undoing the conditions that hold you hostage to it. We have been conditioned our whole life that we must ‘do’ in order to be valued or loved. And that’s bullshit. Who decides? Where is this list of what makes us worthy or not worthy of love? And who is the one keeping score, except ourselves? After all, everything begins and ends with ourselves. We wake up and go to bed with ourselves and so ultimately we are the ones who choose.
And as Rupaul says, ‘If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?’ Especially with a list full of conditions – conditions which all become barriers to living our lives in radical, authentic love. When we limit love, we limit life. When everything and everyone must show up in a certain way. When our definition of love both of self and others is limited to conditions, we miss out on the depth of emotional vulnerability and spiritual growth that leads us to a profound understanding of who we are; stardust, the cosmic hands of the universe exploring itself. We perceive everything through our conditioning which is based on a collective of what we’ve experienced and what we’ve been told. Our beliefs. And often times our beliefs limit instead of expand us. Getting stuck in our beliefs is often the nemesis of unconditional love of self and others. Let’s take for instance that in your family there’s an expectation that you go to college, get a corporate career, get married, have kids, buy a house and start saving for retirement and so you happen to not meet that expectation. You’re an artist with a gypsy soul who doesn’t want kids and loves to travel the world never really staying too long in one place. And the push back for you to be what’s considered ‘normal’ creates a belief that for some reason you’re less than, and not worthy of love, maybe it was something that was spoken, or perhaps it was an uncomfortable silence, either way it became an obstruction to your unbiased love of yourself because you didn’t meet the conditions required.
Politics is another example, an extremely amplified one. Everyone must believe what you believe in order to be accepted. You could say that politics, religion and any group based on an ideology or system of beliefs is the cause for this separation, or amplification of a collection of expectations and beliefs that must be adhered to in order to be accepted (loved). But behind each of these groups, the commonality is people. Individuals who at any time have the free will to believe what they want to believe, and love who they want to love, including themselves, unconditionally.
Yes. You are that. We are all it. And the sooner we understand that the better off we will be, both individually and collectively. Any love we withhold from ourselves we’re withholding from the whole, and what the world needs now more than ever is love. We need the kind of unconditional love that heals, that magically inspires us to follow our highest good, to throw ourselves a buoy when we’ve perhaps been treading water too long. We need the love that brings food to the homeless, that wraps a criminal in arms of love because we love ourselves so much that our love unconditionally overflows to others. Without conditions. Sure, it’s easier to love ourselves when we’ve got the accolades and the money, or it’s easier to love a sick child, or a family that’s experienced a natural disaster than it is to love a criminal. But do we really love if that love is conditional? Again, I’m not saying that people must not be held accountable for their actions, including ourselves. But what I am saying may sound radical to you, and it is, because it requires us to dig into the depths of our radically authentic selves to find the place that lives in us all, that recognizes that we are one. It recognises that we need each other, and that it’s our responsibility when blessed with the gift of that awareness to bestow that on others.
I recently read of a tribe in Africa that when someone does something that perhaps we might deem as hurtful, or criminal, the entire tribe gets together, forms a circle and surrounds them for two days reminding them of everything good they have ever done, of who they are aside from whatever affliction or disconnected state that brought them to do what they’ve done. Because this tribe believes, as I do (which may be utopian but it’s my belief and I get to hold onto it), that every human being comes into this world as good, that each of us desires security, peace, happiness and love. And that this act of disconnection is a cry for acknowledgement or love. A cry for help. And so as a community, they stand together to remind them and reconnect them of their true nature, of their true self.
Fact or fiction, this brings tears to my eyes, both as an example of the kind of love that really heals humanity and of a powerful example of how we can use this theology not only with others, but with ourselves, so that when we become disconnected from the truth of who we are, we love ourselves back to life, unconditionally.
Love, of self, and others, is contagious. And our unconditional love of ourselves is not only the catalyst of liberation, but the foundation upon which we can build a life in deep alignment with who we are. When there are conditions on love, there’s resistance to it, and the more resistance to love, the deeper our suffering. Let it be your mission, beginning with yourself, to bring your awareness to all the obstacles you have to love, and one by one remove them, invoking a sense of radical authenticity one only sees in the likes of Nobel laureates and saints. Who, I might add, were all born of the same stardust as you. They just choose to nurture the goodness within, and to love themselves and others, unconditionally.
My Story: Listen Up, the Dalai Lama’s Speaking
Before that day, love and compassion to me were something I had for others. Most directly for people that were very close to me, and the suffering of children, animals or innocent people. However, that love and compassion didn’t include myself or those who I felt didn’t deserve it. Consistently beating myself up for making what I once considered mistakes, and holding others accountable to my conditioned understanding of what deserved love and compassion, I gave love and compassion in relation to what and who I felt deserved it. And when I heard that the Dalai Lama was coming to a city close to me to do a talk on unbiased compassion I immediately logged on to buy tickets for my husband and me, as I longed to be more at peace with myself and with others.
My husband and I arrived that day to an auditorium of thousands of people, all eager to hear the wisdom of the Dalai Lama. What had sparked my interest in hearing him speak was a book of his that I read on my journey to Tokyo called The Art of Happiness, which was one of the few books besides The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that I had actually read. Which reminds me of what my husband would often say: ‘reading is for prisoners’. And, well, I once felt that way too, until I fell upon literature that would become the catalyst to waking me up. And The Art of Happiness is to be included, and just so happens to include one of the most poignant messages I can remember to date: ‘Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.’ And this I know to be true, today.
However, at that time in my life, not only had I just begun the journey to undoing conditioning and learning to be aware of the resistance that came with it, but I was still carrying an immense amount of pain, unresolved emotions and anger, which would get projected unconsciously in many situations and on many people who perhaps didn’t deserve it but had accidently triggered the pain. And for years I regretted my actions and the relationships that suffered that expense.
And this talk on unbiased compassion felt like the key to redemption’s door. Both for the love and compassion I held from myself, and the love and compassion I held from others who had hurt me both consciously and unconsciously. I was withholding a whole lot of love, especially from myself, around whom I built a suit of armour to protect myself from any further suffering. But what I know now, that I didn’t know then, is that it’s impossible to avoid, that the world just keeps handing it to us in whatever form and that the more compassion and love we give to ourselves and others, the easier it is to get through. Because, as the Dalai Lama had said, it’s our very nature, and when we’re connected to our true nature, we connect to ourselves.
‘I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of inner peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion and elimination of ignorance, selfishness and greed.’
Dalai Lama
And from that day on my practice in non-biased compassion, which I see as the precursor to love, became my core mission. I looked back through my life and began to see the others who had harmed me through physical, mental, and sexual abuse and bullying – to see them in the tribal circle of remembrance and to remind myself who they were at their core, how they had been disconnected for whatever reason, and how their actions towards me were not a reflection of my worth and ability to be loved, but a reflection of their own pain and selfish pursuit at the cost of mine. Through this practice I began to look at all my experiences, both with others and alone, and began to see them with a heart of compassion. I did this in order to eliminate all the obstacles I had built to loving myself and others without conditions.
***
I flipped through my life like a storybook, stopping at each section where I felt pain and using my new-found wisdom to reflect on and release it. The experience took many, many years, and came in many difficult layers, and the more difficult the longer I sat with it. There were so many painful experiences and people that felt unforgivable that it took every ounce of spiritual light I could find to see in the eyes of love and compassion, including myself.
But I worked at it, and worked at it – baby steps every day, in every way I could. Some days it was more difficult than others, but the more I was able to see it all with the wisdom of non-biased love and compassion the freer I became, and the more liberated in authenticity my actions. I felt fewer lash-outs, less self-harm. It seemed that the armour that I had built up to protect myself was crashing to the ground, the heaviness turned to lightness, the pressure released and my world began to look like a vivid painting filled with light, radiant hearts and the possibility of healing and wholeness on the horizon. Everything about myself was transforming; I was a chrysalis of spiritual proportions I’d only dreamed about.
It only took one perspective, in this case through the words of one of the most admired and spiritual people in the world. But without the experiences that brought me to the auditorium that day, I would never have had the shift of awareness that opened the floodgates to the wisdom that walked me home to the truth of who I am, who we all are, at our core.
The Practice of Unconditional Love and Compassion
The Tribal Circle
Just as the African tribe surrounds those who have become disconnected from their truth with a tribal circle of love and remembrance, so should we shower ourselves and others with an abundance of unconditional love and compassion. No matter what we’ve done, everyone – but firstly ourselves – deserves our unconditional love. And although we may not practice this type of circle in our particular culture – in some cases we have graver consequences for our actions both for our own protection and the protection of others – the idea of the tribal circle is one that I would suggest as a practice to remind ourselves of who we are and what we are deserving of regardless of our actions and afflictions.
Maybe you’ve had a lazy week, you didn’t get the job you interviewed for, you’ve gained a few pounds, begun to lose your hair, are struggling financially, or struggle with anxiety or anger, and so perhaps when you’ve done something disconnected, or you haven’t lived up to what’s been expected of you, just close your eyes and imagine yourself surrounded by a tribal circle of reminders of who you are, what you’re capable of, and how regardless of circumstances and outcomes you are worthy of and entitled by birthright to your own unbiased, unconditional love and compassion.
Forgiveness
Ah forgiveness. That word again. If you roll in self-help circles or follow anyone in personal development on social media you have probably read enough on, and seen enough memes reminding you of, the power of forgiveness. The most predominant one that comes to mind is: ‘To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.’ That is Lewes B. Smedes, and it’s true.
Holding onto anything, any energy that creates heaviness in mind, body or spirit, keeps us prisoner to it. And that energy wreaks havoc on our entire system. Some even believe that holding onto the past mistakes and grievances is a precursor to disease (dis-ease) and that our body, our minds and our spirits are not at ease with anything that distracts from our natural state of being, which is peace and harmony.
But how do we forgive? Most importantly, how do we forgive ourselves?
For my entire life forgiveness of others is something that I have been able to achieve. It’s like a gift to be able to see through the bullshit straight to the heart. However, it’s always been difficult to forgive myself. For most of my life I’ve carried around feelings of self-condemnation: ‘I shouldn’t have said that,’ ‘I shouldn’t have done that,’ ‘I shouldn’t have gone there,’ and the biggest one: ‘I shouldn’t have eaten that.’ Constantly ‘shoulding’ on myself. It’s quite common really, not just for me but for almost everyone that has ever crossed my path.
We always believe we should have done things differently; however, that perspective comes from the place that we’re at, with the wisdom we have today, and looking back on all the things we perhaps could have done differently. We didn’t have the experience or knowledge that we do today. And so, if we can come to this understanding we can learn, just like a child that puts his or her hands on a hot surface, that when we know better, we can do better. Then we can begin to work on forgiving ourselves, and releasing ourselves from the self-imposed prison that keeps us hostage from the deeper understanding that no matter which way we choose, if it’s our way, it’s the right way.
A New Story
‘The story’ is what we have heard from our beginning and will far outlast us on this earth. Fiction and non-fiction, stories are all around us. Everyone and every living thing has a story but the only creature on the earth that creates them are humans. It’s like we constantly have a narrative playing in our head. It’s like a ‘drunken monkey bit by a scorpion’, as the great philosopher Alan Watts once said. Or like the Gremlins running the film in the movie theatre in the 80s cult classic Gremlins.
Crazy, erratic, stories of doom and gloom, how we’ve messed up, how we’re going to mess up. The narrative runs amok, sometimes so much so that we develop anxiety, depression and eventually perhaps mental illness. Stories created with bits and pieces from our past merged with ideas we have about how the future will work out. Stories that we must have this, and or do that, that if we do that, or this. That this person is better than us because, or this person is less than, or I have to have this to be this, or if I say this, or don’t say that. A war of words battling between our ears distracting us from our own voice – the voice of truth, peace and harmony that loves us unconditionally. And the only way to hear it, as I’ve said over and over again, is to be still enough to listen. And from that place of silence we can begin to create a new story, one based on fact not on monkey-mind fiction. From the truth of who we are, and from the depths of the creative being of potential we were created to be.
I like to begin creating my new story (or my real story) by reminding myself, usually using the tribal circle, that no matter what I do or become, I am not a disappointment to myself or others because there is nothing to measure against except myself, and myself is something that is consistantly evolving. The more aware I am of the truth of who I am then the more in harmony I am with the whole. And then like any creative brainstorming session I highlight my strengths and accomplishments and begin to build a new and empowering story with truth and positivity rather than with a bunch of conditioned bullshit, and fear-based projections that keep me hidden in a prison of disconnection, anxiety and shame. Creating a story that lifts, rather than limits me.
How many obstacles have we created to love both from others and ourselves? How many conditions have we put on when and whether we are worthy of it? It begins by hiding our eyes in shame when we were hurting as children, or resisting the love and adoration of guardians as we grow. It continues with running away as teenagers when someone asks questions or shows interest in our lives, being embarrassed when our parents brought us lunch in the school yard or deflecting when others swoon or compliment us.
Where did it all begin? Why have we built so many obstacles to love? I know in my case it all started with hurt. First with subtle comments that made me feel restricted, then bullying that made me feel worthless and unlovable, and so with every experience I created another shield, so many that at one time I felt incapable of being able to receive or feel love. As soon as it came my way a force kicked up and it was rejected. And to even begin to put down those shields meant I would be vulnerable to pain and suffering.
But what I learned from experience was that the more shields I put up the heavier life got. And as I garnered the strength to pull them down one by one, and the tenacity to persevere without collecting more then, yes, some pain momentarily set in, but what was far more profound was that I began to feel what love felt like again. And I wanted that feeling more. And so I worked on, and still work on, identifying the shields that I carry that are obstacles to the very force that lifts us higher: love, sweet unconditional love.
Reflection: The Final Frontier
Unconditional love is probably one of the most difficult of all things to master, and the final frontier in living a radically authentic life. But why is it so difficult? Why is it so hard to love ourselves and others right where we’re at. What’s created our resistance to it? It seems that it’s the great divide. It brings constant challenges in our own lives as well as in our relationships with others. We’re conditioned to believe that we, or others, must show up a certain way in order to receive it. And with the ideology of that conditioning is the birth of war: war within and without, in our own minds, our families and our societal structures.
We create boundaries and borders both within ourselves, our families and our communities. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with healthy boundaries; however, these boundaries create a resistance to empathy and an indifference to anything outside of our conditioning. They keep us static in our growth both individually and collectively and create barriers to interpersonal communication and self-love.
Why?
Because in order for us to love ourselves there is a plethora of conditioned criteria we must meet and the same goes for others. But where did it come from? Who decided? And why the fuck can’t we just free ourselves from it? What’s the hold-up? What’s going to happen if one day we just decide to tear down the walls we’ve built against love and embrace ourselves and others with loving kindness just as we are? To respect and celebrate our points of differences rather than use them as catalysts for inner and outer conflict. It seems like such an easy solution, with a ripple effect that creates the kind of peace that passeth understanding. But there’s just one problem, and depending who it is or you are, or how susceptible to conditioning you are, or your level of self-awareness, it could turn out to be the conflict of a lifetime. And that’s your conditioning. A collective of your thoughts about who you and others are. Perception versus reality.
You see, if we can love one another without conditions, and in spite of our differences; politically, religiously and ideologically. If we can put down our armour, drop our shields and build on our strengths both individually and collectively. If we can stop ‘shoulding’ on ourselves and others. Let go of the conditioning we have that everything and everyone must show up the same to be valued or loved, beginning with ourselves, and it always begins with ourselves because when we have the ability to love ourselves without conditions, we have the ability to love others just the same. No matter what. And we must remember that unconditional love is not without boundaries but without the conditions and bias that separate us from ourselves and others.