“HI!”
I shot up out of bed. “Dammit, Teagan. You’re gonna give me a heart attack. I want my key back.”
“No problem. I made twenty-seven copies. Gave them to all the relatives. Reminded them your fridge is always full and you love spontaneous get togethers, no need to call first.”
“You wouldn’t do that. You wouldn’t want the world to find out about A.J. and blow your chances to live happily ever.”
She didn’t say anything.
She looked different.
I hadn’t seen that look in her eye in a while.
I shrieked, “You’ve had sex!!”
“Excuse me? And shut-up!”
“Teagan Shannon O’Flynn, you heard me. I know that look. I personally, haven’t seen it in the mirror in, say, about four hundred years, but I know the look. You’ve had sex. Not only that, but you’ve had great sex, and you’ve had it several times.”
She didn’t confirm or deny.
“And, you’re gonna have it again. Who is he, and where did you find him? Does he have a brother, cute friend, harmless enemy, well-functioning robot? When do I meet him? Are you guys serious? Have you known him long? Hey, why didn’t I know anything about all this before?”
“Stop. One question at a time, and maybe I’ll answer. Maybe.”
“Fine. Is this a relationship we’re talking about, or does it fall under the heading of ‘other’?”
“I’m not sure. At the moment, we’re good friends.” She blushed. She looked seventeen. She gave herself away. Most often, it’s not what you say but how you say it, and her tones and body language spoke volumes. Steamy, happy, volumes. Good thing Mom isn’t here.
“Good friends? As in your he’s-just-a-good-friend Jessie, from when you were young and wanton? Did you track him down? When did all this happen? We were just talking about him the other day. Was this going on then, or is this new? I can’t believe I mention his name for the first time in years, and here you are having a torrid affair with him. Even if I believed in coincidences, which I don’t, that’s a pretty big coincidence.”
“Cara, dear, you’re assuming a lot. I never said it was Jessie.”
“Ah-ha! Then it’s true. At least the great sex part, ’cause you said you never said it was Jessie, but you didn’t say that it didn’t happen. Now it isn’t a question of if, but of whom.” I beamed, quite proud of my abilities at deduction, or really, setting a wee little trap for my sister; whatever, it worked.
I said, “True, you never said it was Jessie, but then, you never said it wasn’t.”
“You didn’t give me a chance to say anything.”
“You don’t need me to give you a chance; you make your own chances; you would have steamrolled right over the top of me just to shut me up if I wasn’t right.”
“As a matter of fact, I did have occasion to see Jessie.”
“How did that come to pass?”
“You’re the Internet wizard now. I’m sure you can figure it out if you try. The other day when we were talking about him, I got to thinking. I did a search on the Internet. Low and behold, he has a MySpace account that I was able to locate. It said he was still local and single, so I sent him a message. The rest, as they say, is history.”
“Oh my God! I should smack the crap out of you!”
“Excuse me?”
“That’s why you stormed out and blamed it on me. You took off with him, using our fight as a cover so Mom wouldn’t worry that you were out cavorting with some tall-dark-and-handsome. She figured, as we all did, that you were offended by what I’d done — sorry about that by the way — and that you were off trying to heal your psyche.”
“Oh, I healed my psyche. Several times.” She laughed the most wonderful laugh; it bubbled from her toes all the way up to the heavens. That’s just one of the reasons she could have a starring role in any princess movie.
I couldn’t help it. I had to be pleased for her. She seemed happy.
Her voice took a more serious tone. “Cara, for the record, you should know that I didn’t storm out to be with Jessie. I stormed out because you really did hurt my feelings. I went home, ate enough chocolate to sink a small battle ship, got on the computer, and IM’ed Jessie. He was so nice to me. He remembers you, by the way.” The way she said that he remembered me made it sound like there was the tiniest chance that he didn’t remember me in a good light.
She continued, “He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink. We ended up at that little bookstore on Belker. We drank tea and talked and caught up with each other. I went and talked to Mom the next morning. We had a good talk. On my way over to your place, to kill you in your sleep, Jessie called and invited me out for breakfast. We had a quick bite, decided to head out of town and spend a few days at the beach. I stopped by your house, left the note on your fridge, and took off.”
“I’m sorry I abused you.”
“Abuse might be a bit harsh, but you were a jerk.”
“I’m sorry I acted like a jerk.”
“I’m sorry you’re a jerk too.”
“I said I acted like one. I do not admit to being one. Teagan, I keep telling you, it’s all about the subtleties!”
We both laughed. Teagan gave me a big hug and headed for the kitchen to make tea. I jumped up, took a quick shower, threw on some yoga pants and a t-shirt, and joined her at the table.
Teagan poured out tea as I sat. She said, “Mom said that she has a job for us to do. She didn’t go into detail; she told me to head over here and you’d fill me in. She also said to remind you that she’s gonna need help with the food for the wake. Liam and I are in charge of setting up tables and chairs, setting the tables, all that kind of stuff. Sinead is in charge of the obituary and picking out the readings and stuff for the service. Seamus is in charge of getting all the old ladies Bernie hung out with to the church and the cemetery. Troya is doing the guest book and the thank you notes. Better her than me. I suck at thank you notes. What else?”
“Did Mom say what happened to Bernie? Have they figured out how she died?”
“I’m assuming old age, Cara. The woman was one hundred and forty-seven if she was a day.”
“I’m sure you’re right. I just get a funny feeling every time I think about it. Just kind of unsettled.”
“Mom’s also gonna want you or Maeve to go to the funeral home and help spiff Bernie up. O’Gorman’s does a great job with most things, but their hair and makeup department always leaves something to be desired.”
“No problem. If Maeve is busy with the kids, I’ll help Mom.”
“Better you than me. I think you guys are insane. There is no way I would go put makeup on a dead person. Or do their hair. I would freak.”
“Teagan, if they didn’t hurt you when they were alive, they aren’t going to hurt you when they’re dead. You, being the queen of all things glamour, would be much better at this than I would.”
“I know, but, yuck.”
“Mom has a hard time letting go of some of the old ways. I think the reason she drags us there to do the old-fashioned stuff is so that we won’t forget how to do it or that it needs to be done. One day, it will be her turn, and I’m sure that she wants it done the old-fashioned way.”
“You would actually do her makeup and hair?”
“I did Grandma’s.”
“You sure did. I still can’t believe that.”
“It isn’t a big deal. The funeral home already had her dressed. All I did was curl her hair with a curling iron, comb it out with my fingers, and apply her makeup.”
“You did a great job.”
“Thanks. For Mom and Daddy, it’s all about respect. I did it for them, not for Grandma. Grandma couldn’t have cared less at that point.”
Teagan gave me a look. “I fully intend to outlive you, but if I don’t, I want it known right here and now, that I am a organ donor, that I want to be cremated, and that I do not want an open casket. I already checked out the whole open casket thing, and it doesn’t work for me.”
“What? You tested it out? What did you do, climb in for a fitting?”
“No, not the actual lying in the casket part, the what I’ll look like lying in the casket part.”
“Teagan, what the hell are you talking about?”
“I checked to see what my face will look like when I’m dead. Cara, it isn’t pretty.”
“What?”
“You’ve never checked your face for death and being on top?”
“On top of what?”
A patented Teagan eye roll followed by, “On top of a guy, stupid!”
“Why would I be dead on top of a guy?”
“Are you just not awake yet or are you stupid?”
“If those are my only two options, I’m going with not awake yet.”
Teagan took a very loud deep breath, to make sure I understood how she has to suffer with me. “Then allow me to explain. Again. There are two very important things every girl should know. What she is going to look like dead and what she looks like when she is on top of a guy. I find it hard to believe that you’ve gotten to your advanced age and not only haven’t checked, but didn’t even know about it.”
“You’re insane.”
“Maybe, but I know what I’ll look like dead, and I know that I only have a few more good years on top and I’m making the best of them.”
“I think this is really more information than I need, Teagan. We’re dancing on the edge of trauma here.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“My sister, the porn star. I don’t even want to know where you were with all the mirrors.”
“What?”
“The mirrors. Hello? Watching yourself on top.”
Teagan rolled her eyes yet again. “Oh my God, you have no imagination at all.”
“I have enough of an imagination that the visuals from this conversation are going to cause me to seek help from a mental health professional for the first time in my life.”
With that Teagan sprang from the table, went into my bathroom, and came back holding my hand mirror.
I admit I freaked just a little bit.
Teagan saw the horror on my face and burst out laughing.
“You dingleberry! Relax!” She put the mirror on the table and went about teaching me yet another life lesson, life according to Teagan anyway.
In her best teacher’s voice — and remember, we went to Catholic school, so that teacher was a nun — she said, “Ok, it is important for you to relax. Take a deep breath, put your hands to the side of your face, one on each side, from your temple to your jaw, right at your hairline, and gently, very gently, pull back with even pressure toward the back of your head. When your lips are smooshed almost flat, that’s what you’re going to look like laid out.”
“This is ridiculous. Hopefully by the time I’m laid out, I’ll be so old I’ll be covered in wrinkles.”
“But when your muscles are relaxed because you’re dead, they won’t be as noticeable. Cara, this isn’t an exact thing, it will just give you an idea. Go ahead. Try it. I swear you won’t have an open casket either.”
Feeling completely foolish, but wanting to shut Teagan up, I decided to go ahead and give it a try.
Fine. I put all my fingers in all the right places, and I pulled back ever so gently until my lips flattened a bit, but not all the way to fourth-grade-scare-the-first-graders tight.
Teagan held up the mirror for me to take a look.
I gasped. I swear to God, I actually gasped. It was not a pretty sight. Not even a little bit. I said to Teagan, “When you’re right, you’re right. No open casket for me. Unless I should die before Mom and Daddy, then whatever they want works for me.”
“That’s good, ’cause whatever they want, is what we would do.”
Teagan was getting into this whole teacher thing. She said, “Lesson number two.”
“We don’t need another lesson. You proved your point.”
“Oh, that was nothing. You’ll be dead, it isn’t like anyone expects you to look good dead, and even if they say something mean, you can haunt them. This next one is for when you’re still alive.”
With that, she set the mirror flat on the table. One hand on each side of the mirror, she leaned over so that her face was completely parallel to the surface of the mirror. She grimaced, and said, “This one’s a shocker.” She shoved the mirror in my direction.
Feeling even more foolish, I centered the mirror in front of me, leaned over it, one hand on either side, and looked at my reflection. “Oh, dear God, this isn’t good!”
“I told ya!”
“Well, shit. As if my self-esteem wasn’t far enough down the tubes, Teagan, you just put that damn visual in my life forever. If ever I have the good luck to be astride the male of the species again, that’s the image that’s going to flash in my brain. I look like a redheaded lemur with baggy cheeks! Thanks.”
“That’s ok. When the vision comes to you, and you scream, he’ll think he’s just that good.”
We both burst out laughing, only to be joined by a rather male sound. A.J. was standing right outside my peripheral vision.
He walked up to the table, taking in the scene, and immediately understood all connotations, or more likely, he’d been standing there long enough to overhear our conversation. He said, “From the male perspective, can I just add something here?”
Teagan and her big mouth said, “Sure.”
I was already feeling uncomfortable, but then he looked right at me and said, “As a man, let me assure you, that should any male be lucky enough to have you astride him, the only thing on his mind would be how fortunate he was to have such a lovely woman in love with him. You are a woman who should be made love to, Cara. Just sex isn’t anywhere near good enough for you. Any man lucky enough to have you astride him would know that, or he wouldn’t have the good fortune to have you there very long.”
Somewhere in there he’d taken my hand. He held it just a second too long; then, without further comment, he walked away.
That’s hardly brother-in-law-to-be behavior, but then again, Teagan’s with Jessie, and me, well, I’m with nobody, as per usual.
I wonder how long I sat there. Not sure if I was drooling, but if I was, Teagan didn’t say anything when I finally snapped out of it.
She had this really obnoxious huge smile on her face.
She spoke first, quietly. “Well, well, seems your roommate is interested.”
“No, he was just being nice. It’s not in the cards.”
“How do you figure?”
“You know as well as I do, that everything good and everything bad comes in threes. First Suzi finds Mr. Wonderful. That was one. Then Liam falls madly in love with Morgan, and they’re building their happily-ever-after in record time. That’s number two. Now Jessie comes swimming to the surface, after years of you guys not seeing each other, and you two take up where you left off. That’s three. All done. No room for me in there. Besides, he’s Ken, and I’m certainly not Barbie.”
“Cara, maybe you’re actually Skipper and Ken moved on from Barbie.”
“Skipper was the younger, shorter sister. I’m the older, taller sister. Although Skipper and I do share a more streamlined body type than Barbie has. Still, Ken would never be interested in Skipper. That’s creepy.”
“Maybe A.J. was never Ken in the first place. Maybe Jessie is actually Ken, and A.J. is actually Allen. Maybe that’s what the A in A.J. stands for. Ever think of that? And maybe you aren’t Skipper, maybe you’re Midge.”
“What? What are you talking about? Who is Allen? Who’s Midge? Just when did you lose your mind?”
Teagan laughed, but it didn’t throw her off her theory. She continued, “Allen Sherwood is a buddy of Ken’s. Midge is a friend of Barbie’s. Her best friend as a matter of fact. I’m pretty sure Midge has red hair, and blue eyes, just like you.” Her voice raised as she got more intense. “And, she was made with bendable legs and maybe even a twistable waist, although I’m not sure about that part, but if she was, she could probably put her foot behind her head, just like you.”
I hissed, “Would you shut up? A.J.’s in the other room, and your weirdness is going to make him think we’re both insane.”
Almost jubilant, she said, “Oh, and guess what? Midge and Allen got married, and had kids. I think they had a boy named Ryan and a girl named Rickie, no, Nikki, and another baby that they didn’t name and was a surprise when you opened the box.”
“Teagan, are you aware that you know way too much about Barbie’s world?”
“If people started comparing you to a doll at the age of ten, you would take a moment and learn a thing or two too. Swear not to tell Mom?”
“Oh honey, if I’m gonna tell Mom something, it’s gonna be much better than your doll fetish.”
“I don’t have a doll fetish. I did, however, do a report on Barbie in school. Got a solid A, thank you very much.”
“Was it a male teacher? Did you come in as Malibu Barbie and sit on his desk for show and tell?”
She actually smacked me, which, to tell the truth, I can’t blame her for. That only increased the laughter, which was well out of hand.
Calming, and trying to sound stern, Teagan continued, “Cara Siobhan O’Flynn, that was uncalled for. For your edification, it was a class for Sister Dymphna. I wore my uniform, and it was presented in written form. It was a study on Barbie Syndrome. I researched and wrote about the ramifications of giving your impressionable child a Barbie. At the time, some people had a problem with Barbie.”
“And your conclusion?”
“Well, I played with Barbie. You never had any interest at all. I love football, and you wear all those take-me-now nightgowns, so I’m thinking Barbie didn’t make a huge difference in our psyches. As insightful as I was, as a mere child, I drew very much that same conclusion then.”
A.J. materialized without a sound. How such a big guy can do that is kind of amazing, but not the only amazing thing about A.J. He said he was going out to do a shoot, would be back in about four hours, and asked if we had plans for the evening, or did we want to do the movie and pizza thing.
Teagan begged off, using funeral arrangements as an excuse, but assured A.J. that I was not needed and would be home. My major role in all things Bernie would come after the fact, sorting out her belongings and figuring out what to do with them. Of course, I’m going to help Mom with the food for the wake, but really, fixing food for a hundred people is not an uncommon undertaking for Mom and me, so I’m not worried about that at all.
A.J. said he’d provide the movie and pizza, and I could provide the drinks and snacks.
A.J. took off in one direction, Teagan in another, and I tried to decide if I was thrilled or terrified. Getting involved with your male roommate, when you aren’t even supposed to really have one, might not be the best plan in the world. Yikes. Mom would know instantly.
When I was in high school and all my girlfriends were either experimenting with just how far they were willing to go, or having sex with their boyfriends, I didn’t do any of it. Why? Because my mom would know. Then she would tell my dad. Then they would talk to me.
After I finally did have sex, I stayed away from their house for two weeks. I was thinking that maybe the signs would wear off.
Sure, you can laugh, but my mom is weird. She knows things. Once, my girlfriend Julie was staying at our house for a week while her parents were off on some adventure. Julie met her boyfriend at the park. They kind of disappeared behind the bushes at the archery range. Mom was there within minutes, calling for us from the sidewalk. Julie just had time to run back over and sit by me before my mom got there. There is no way Mom could have seen her, because there were bales of hay between Mom and us. On the way home, Mom told Julie that she didn’t appreciate her slinking off to the bushes with some guy while she was staying at our house, and not to make her come down to the park to straighten Julie out again. We didn’t leave the house for the rest of the week, and Julie never stayed again. I’m just sayin’.
On a brighter note, if you’re going to have a problem, trying to decide if you should molest a painfully good-looking man, who seems willing, ready, and more than able, is a good problem to have.
Unfortunately, A.J. called before I had to make that decision. He was stuck at his photo shoot. He took a rain check on the pizza and movie. I was bummed but tried to talk myself into believing it was a God thing.
God runs interference for me whenever I haven’t really decided what I’m comfortable with.
Mom has told us all of our lives to be very careful what we wish for, because you might just get it.
Finally, after a particularly traumatic incident when I was a freshman in high school, I called her on it. I said something; I have no idea what it was.
Mom came right back with, “Be careful what you wish for.”
I had just enough frustration churning around inside of me that I snapped back “You always say that! I’ve never, not one time, seen it happen.”
She said, “That’s simply because you choose not to see, not because it isn’t there to be seen. You heard Mrs. Schwimmer say just last week how much she’d like to have a brand new car. She drives down to the grocery store, just as she has every week for years, but this week, out of nowhere, some hooligan plows right into the back of her car. A total loss. She asked for a new car, and I say she is out there looking to find one right now.”
“Coincidence.”
“There’s no such thing, child. Follow it back. If you follow it to the beginnings, you’ll always find the wish. That is why it is wise to be careful what you wish for.”