At five a.m. Nicola sat upright in a cold sweat. She’d been dreaming of candyfloss and carousels, a long-ago day out at a funfair. A sparkly dress, laughter, the world spinning as the horse moved up and down. And then he was there in front of her. Blue eyes, blonde hair… a hand on her arm… that smile. She was falling, her heels twisting beneath her. The ice was so cold against her back… that dreadful smile…
A plane flew overhead. Nicola pulled the duvet over her head and willed herself to stop shaking, and go back to sleep. It didn’t work. The worst thing was not the nightmare – she always had plenty of those this time of year – or the noise of the planes, or the cold darkness outside the window. It was the fact that it was five a.m., and a Sunday. So many hours to get through until the new week began and it was time to go to work.
Realising that sleep was futile, she sat up and turned on the light. She’d check her emails, do some work, go for a run. Maybe call Jules and see if she and the kids were up for a walk in Richmond Park. And then there was the bag of lingerie – she could drop it off at Oxfam today. What they’d make of it, or do with it, she had no idea. But even as the memories of the previous, magical day were becoming murky and indistinct, her resolve to make a new start was crystal clear.
Nicola got out of bed. After a few glasses of wine last night, she’d passed out and hadn’t even brushed her teeth. Her head ached, but it was her own fault. Dmitri didn’t drink alcohol. Maybe that was because of his father, who, from the sound of things, had been a violent drunk.
Dmitri. God, she wished she could just get him out of her mind.
She distracted herself by going downstairs to the kitchen and putting on the coffee maker. Sitting at the table, she ate some yoghurt and muesli and checked her emails on her phone. Her heroics yesterday had damaged the screen and she’d probably have to endure the hassle of getting a new one from IT. There were conference call invites to accept, documents to review, a few invitations to schmoozy client events in the new year. She thought of the homeless shelter – how surprisingly clean and cared for it had seemed. Not at all what she would have expected. People like Kolya obviously cared deeply for their work. It must be very difficult, but satisfying too.
She read over an email from a junior who’d been crunching some numbers for her on an Argentine company that made exquisite high-heeled shoes. They were looking for a buyer to take them into the European market. The numbers were a little marginal, but she had a few investors in mind. The prospects were strong enough that she could justify a trip there, spend a week in Buenos Aires, come back with a suntan and a suitcase or two full of shoes that would make Jules drool with envy. She should contact travel and start making the arrangements. Shoes. She scrolled down through her inbox. Other deals, other companies: specialising in jewellery, fashion, corporate away days. Her career had been built on these things, but right now, it all seemed so pointless, so lacking in humanity. That had never bothered her before. So why now?
Nicola continued to read and respond to emails until the sky eventually became light. Shutting down her laptop, she took her coffee mug and went outside on to the balcony that overlooked the river. The water was grey and murky but there was a bank of luminous pink clouds on the horizon. The temperature was still near freezing, and she blew out a white cloud of breath that mingled with the steam rising from her mug.
Nicola checked her watch. Eight a.m. Christ, maybe she should just go back to bed. Or read a book? She’d always loved books, and one entire wall of her front room had a built-in shelf that was full of them. But books evoked emotions, and that was something she wanted to avoid. Feel nothing. That was the goal right now.
Going back inside, she finished the coffee and put the cup in the dishwasher. It was early yet and the path along the river would probably be slippery with ice. But at least it wouldn’t be crowded. Heading to her bedroom, she put on her running gear. Maybe the cold and the exertion would help to clear her head.
On her way out the door, she grabbed her phone and her Bluetooth headphones. She scrolled through her music playlists: Energise, Endurance, Stamina, Relaxation. All of it was gym music, most of it pumping and tuneless, or schmaltzy and tuneless. On a whim, she went to Spotify and typed in ‘Rachmaninov piano’. There were hundreds of hits. She downloaded a popular playlist, realising that this was probably the last thing she should be doing. But it was done.
She put on ‘Energise’ and left her house. Having the piano playlist on her phone seemed daring and subversive enough. She’d save the listening to it for later.
Outside, it was even colder than she’d realised. In the cobbled yard outside the mews houses, she did a warm-up, but still felt chilled. She made her way around the back of the houses to the path along the river.
Though it was still icy, Nicola ran as quickly as she dared. The sun had risen a little higher now, but the path was still mostly in shadow. She ran past the buildings along the river that made up Richmond town centre: bars, restaurants, boathouses. She continued on through Petersham Meadows and past Ham House and Eel Pie Island. She had to watch every step. Several times her foot hit a hidden patch of ice and she almost went over.
Nicola continued on as far as Teddington Lock. There, she stopped, leaning over, gasping out white clouds of breath. Her head was aching from the exertion, the wine and from the God-awful music. She switched it off.
There were a few boats lined up waiting for the lock. She watched the giant concrete space fill gradually with water. There was a bench nearby and she headed over to it to do some stretches, push-ups, and tricep dips. When she was finished, the lock had nearly filled. A child on one of the boats waved to her. She waved back. It was too quiet. Her own thoughts began to creep back into her head.
Nicola scrolled to the new ‘Rachmaninov piano’ playlist. She put it on, turned up the volume and started to run towards home.