Her vanity really was unforgivable. He didn’t want anything to do with her – it was blindingly obvious. He hadn’t taken her number, hadn’t given her his. That ‘goodbye’ was as final as any she’d ever heard – or delivered herself. And yet, over the last few days, Nicola had been expecting to hear something. Been unable to believe that when he’d given her the brush-off and walked away, that it was final, irrevocable. She’d been wrong. Almost a whole week had gone by—
‘…Thought we had already agreed two years?’
‘What?’ Nicola snapped back to her senses. She was aware of all the people in the room looking at her. The ‘Timeless’ deal was supposed to have closed today, but at the last minute, management at the target company had come up with a few final demands that were holding everything up. She looked down at her notebook, flipped through the thick binder with the accounts, the due diligence summary and the term sheet. Her mind had been elsewhere; she’d lost track of the discussion, couldn’t find what had already been agreed. Worse, Ollie was there. He knew someone at the target and had ‘popped in to say hello’.
‘Yes,’ she snapped, conceding (she assumed) the point as if she were talking to a particularly irritating bug. ‘Fine. Now, can we just move on?’
Ollie raised an eyebrow. Nicola looked away. She was totally off her game – had been for most of the week. And the fact that Ollie was here to see it made her want to scream. As did the fact that he kept sending her texts, and she kept deleting them. He’d been in Frankfurt for most of the week, which had been a relief. But now, she was going to have to confront him in person.
‘I think that’s the last point for now,’ the investment banker was saying to her. ‘Thank you for that. Shall we have a break now and reconvene in, say, forty-five minutes.’
‘Yes, fine,’ she said. Thank God the meeting was ending and she could get her head together.
‘Perfect.’ The man she’d been negotiating with stood up and poured himself another glass of sparkling water. Nicola stood up too. The man’s eyes roamed over her. The skirt on her beige suit fell several inches above her knee, the jacket was tightly fitted at the waist. She gave him a practised smile, more for Ollie’s benefit, than his.
Nicola walked the length of the room carrying her notebook. Her high heels made no sound on the plush carpet. She went out the glass door of the conference room and down the hall to the executive washroom. Inside, the countertop was splattered with water, but she threw her notebook on to it anyway and locked herself in one of the black marble cubicles. She sat down on the lid of the toilet, her head in her hands.
It was gone – that ‘fresh from the fight’ rush of adrenalin that she used to have after a negotiation. She no longer had that feeling deep in her core that she was on top, in control and that nothing else mattered other than getting a result. In this game, desire was all-important. Desire to win, to achieve results, make money. Somewhere along the way she’d lost it and had barely even noticed.
Not until last Saturday, that is. For a brief moment, her life had been shaken up like a snow globe and filled with magic. Now, the flakes had settled, and inside, she saw something dead and plastic. Something worthless. The place where the desire had once been was hollow and cold, like a burnt-out star.
The door to the washrooms opened. Nicola waited until the door to the next cubicle banged shut, then went to leave. The good thing about men outnumbering women by four to one was that she normally had this loo to herself. She unlocked the door, flung it open. Only then did she realise that the bang of the door was a ruse.
Ollie was standing in front of her, his tie loosened around his neck.
‘You’re a hard woman to pin down, Nic.’ He raked his fingers through his hair, mussing it up, and gave her that grin that once used to excite her. Part of her had wondered whether when she saw him again, she’d fall back into the old pattern. Take the path of least resistance. Now, though, as he licked his lips and his hands circled her waist, she felt a desperate, clawing sensation in her chest.
‘Leave me alone, Ollie,’ she said. ‘It’s over.’
Laughing, he lifted her up like she weighed nothing. He swung her around, on to the wet countertop. ‘Is this a new game, Nic?’ he said. ‘Because I think I’m going to like it.’
Ice-cold panic flooded her as he pushed her skirt up, parted her knees and stood between them. She tried to push him away but he was much bigger and stronger. He started to undo his trousers.
‘No, Ollie,’ she gasped, barely able to breathe. It had come to this – again. She was powerless. Everything she had tried to build up in her life was nothing in the face of this one, inescapable truth. ‘I don’t want to.’
To her surprise, he stood back a fraction. She could tell that he was angry, trying not to show it.
‘Come on, babe,’ he said. ‘Stop acting this way. I’m sorry I cancelled on us. I didn’t want to, believe me.’
‘I know, Ollie. But I can’t do this any more.’ She managed to wriggle off the counter on to her feet. Her knees were quivering so hard that she could barely stand.
‘What’s up with you?’ He stood all the way back now, his face clouded with anger. But there was confusion there too. She felt weak with relief as she pulled her skirt back into place.
‘Nothing,’ she said. She grabbed her notebook and held it tightly to her chest. She tried to go past him, but he blocked her path again.
‘Hey come on, Nicola.’ The hard lines on his face softened. He looked genuinely surprised at the state she was in. ‘It’s me. I’ve missed you, that’s all. Christ, I think about you all the time. I know I’ve been a bastard – I’m sorry.’
She nodded, unable to speak.
‘Can’t I at least have a hug?’ He gave her his trademark lopsided smile that he’d used so many times to convince her of their glorious ‘future’ together – one she hadn’t really wanted anyway. Being with Ollie had once been exciting, but now it was simply habit. Those promises he had made had kept her on the back foot, made her hurt. She felt like a caged animal that had only just become aware of its own captivity.
She allowed him to put his arms around her, pull her head to his chest. She had wanted this once, this tenderness from him. But now, as she felt his erection stir against her, she just wanted to escape.
‘Let me go, Ollie.’ She pulled away from him and made a lunge past him to the door. Fumbling to open it, she went out into the hall, gasping for breath.
‘What the fuck?’ she heard him say as the door closed.
Holding on to the wall to steady herself, she walked as fast as she could to her office. She grabbed her handbag, shoved some papers and her laptop into her satchel and made her way over to the PA desks.
Chrissie looked up from her conversation with one of the other PAs with concern. ‘Nicola? What’s happened?’
‘I’m… not feeling well,’ she said. ‘Can you reschedule my meeting? I’m sorry…’ Her mouth was suddenly flooded with saliva. She turned and ran off towards the lifts.